the dwelling place of ligh-第36章

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the　leash　might　breakand　then　what？　　Here　was　a　situation；　she　knew
instinctively；　that　could　not　last；　one　fraught　with　all　sorts　of
possibilities；　intoxicating　or　abhorrent　to　contemplate；　and　for　that
very　reason　fascinating。　　When　she　was　away　from　Ditmar　and　tried　to
think　about　it　she　fell　into　an　abject　perplexity；　so　full　was　it　of
anomalies　and　contradictions；　of　conflicting　impulses；　so　far　beyond　her
knowledge　and　experience。　　For　Janet　had　been　born　in　an　age　which　is
rapidly　discarding　blanket　morality　and　taboos；　which　has　as　yet　to
achieve　the　morality　of　scientific　knowledge；　of　the　individual　instance。
Tradition；　convention；　the　awful　examples　portrayed　for　gain　in　the
movies；　even　her　mother's　pessimistic　attitude　in　regard　to　the　freedom
with　which　the　sexes　mingle　to…day　were　powerless　to　influence　her。　　The
thought；　however；　that　she　might　fundamentally　resemble　her　sister　Lise；
despite　a　fancied　superiority；　did　occasionally　shake　her　and　bring　about
a　revulsion　against　Ditmar。　　Janet's　problem　was　in　truth；　though　she
failed　so　to　specialize　it；　the　supreme　problem　of　our　time：　what　is　the
path　to　self…realization？　how　achieve　emancipation　from　the　commonplace？

Was　she　in　love　with　Ditmar？　　The　question　was　distasteful；　she　avoided
it；　for　enough　of　the　tatters　of　orthodox　Christianity　clung　to　her　to
cause　her　to　feel　shame　when　she　contemplated　the　feelings　he　aroused　in
her。　　It　was　when　she　asked　herself　what　his　intentions　were　that　her
resentment　burned；　pride　and　a　sense　of　her　own　value　convinced　her　that
he　had　deeply　insulted　her　in　not　offering　marriage。　　Plainly；　he　did　not
intend　to　offer　marriage；　on　the　other　hand；　if　he　had　done　so；　a
profound；　self…respecting　and　moral　instinct　in　her　would；　in　her　present
mood；　have　led　her　to　refuse。　　She　felt　a　fine　scorn　for　the　woman　who；
under　the　circumstances；　would　insist　upon　a　bond　and　all　a　man's　worldly
goods　in　return　for　that　which　it　was　her　privilege　to　give　freely；　while
the　notion　of　servility；　of　economic　dependencethough　she　did　not　so
phrase　itrepelled　her　far　more　than　the　possibility　of　social　ruin。

This　she　did　not　contemplate　at　all；　her　impulse　to　leave　Hampton　and
Ditmar　had　nothing　to　do　with　that。。。。

Away　from　Ditmar；　this　war　of　inclinations　possessed　her　waking　mind；
invaded　her　dreams。　　When　she　likened　herself　to　the　other　exploited
beings　he　drove　to　run　his　mills　and　fill　his　orders；of　whom　Mr。
Siddons　had　spokenher　resolution　to　leave　Hampton　gained　such　definite
ascendancy　that　her　departure　seemed　only　a　matter　of　hours。

In　this　perspective　Ditmar　appeared　so　ruthless；　his　purpose　to　use　her
and　fling　her　away　so　palpable；　that　she　despised　herself　for　having
hesitated。　　A　longing　for　retaliation　consumed　her；　she　wished　to　hurt
him　before　she　left。　　At　such　times；　however；　unforeseen　events
invariably　intruded　to　complicate　her　feelings　and　alter　her　plans。　　One
evening　at　supper；　for　instance；　when　she　seemed　at　last　to　have　achieved
the　comparative　peace　of　mind　that　follows　a　decision　after　struggle；　she
gradually　became　aware　of　an　outburst　from　Hannah　concerning　the　stove；
the　condition　of　which　for　many　months　had　been　a　menace　to　the　welfare
of　the　family。　　Edward；　it　appeared；　had　remarked　mildly　on　the　absence
of　beans。

〃Beans！〃　Hannah　cried。　　〃You're　lucky　to　have　any　supper　at　all。　　I　just
wish　I　could　get　you　to　take　a　look　at　that　oventhere's　a　hole　you　can
put　your　hand　through；　if　you've　a　mind　to。　　I've　done　my　best；　I've　made
out　to　patch　it　from　time　to　time；　and　to…day　I　had　Mr。　Tiernan　in。　　He
says　it's　a　miracle　I've　been　able　to　bake　anything。　　A　new　one'll　cost
thirty　dollars；　and　I　don't　know　where　the　money's　coming　from　to　buy　it。
And　the　fire…box　is　most　worn　through。〃


〃Well；　mother；　we'll　see　what　we　can　do；〃　said　Edward。

〃You're　always　seeing　what　you　can　do；　but　I　notice　you　never　do
anything；〃　retorted　Hannah；　and　Edward　had　the　wisdom　not　to　reply。
Beside　his　place　lay　a　lengthy；　close…written　letter；　and　from　time　to
time；　as　he　ate　his　canned　pears；　his　hand　turned　over　one　of　its　many
sheets。

〃It's　from　Eben　Wheeler；　says　he's　been　considerably　troubled　with
asthma；〃　he　observed　presently。　　〃His　mother　was　a　Bumpus；　a　daughter　of
Caleb…descended　from　Robert；　who　went　from　Dolton　to　Tewksbury　in　1816；
and　fought　in　the　war　of　1812。　　I've　told　you　about　him。　　This　Caleb　was
born　in　'53；　and　he's　living　now　with　his　daughter's　family　in
Detroit。。。。　　Son…in…law's　named　Nott；　doing　well　with　a　construction
company。　　Now　I　never　could　find　out　before　what　became　of　Robert's
descendants。　　He　married　Sarah　Styles〃　（reading　painfully）　〃‘and　they　had
issue；　John；　Robert；　Anne；　Susan；　Eliphalet。　　John　went　to　Middlebury；
Vermont；　and　married　'〃

Hannah；　gathering　up　the　plates；　clattered　them　together　noisily。

〃A　lot　of　good　it　does　us　to　have　all　that　information　about　Eben
Wheeler's　asthma！〃　she　complained。　　〃It'll　buy　us　a　new　stove；　I　guess。
Him　and　his　old　Bumpus　papers！　　If　the　house　burned　down　over　our　heads
that's　all　he'd　think　of。〃

As　she　passed　to　and　fro　from　the　dining…room　to　the　kitchen　Hannah's
lamentations　continued；　grew　more　and　more　querulous。　　Accustomed　as
Janet　was　to　these　frequent　arraignments　of　her　father's　inefficiency；　it
was　gradually　borne　in　upon　her　nowdespite　a　preoccupation　with　her　own
fatethat　the　affair　thus　plaintively　voiced　by　her　mother　was　in　effect
a　family　crisis　of　the　first　magnitude。　　She　was　stirred　anew　to　anger
and　revolt　against　a　life　so　precarious　and　sordid　as　to　be　threatened　in
its　continuity　by　the　absurd　failure　of　a　stove；　when；　glancing　at　her
sister；　she　felt　a　sharp　pang　of　self…conviction；　of　self…disgust。　　Was
she；　also；　like　that；　indifferent　and　self…absorbed？　　Lise；　in　her
evening　finery；　looking　occasionally　at　the　clock；　was　awaiting　the　hour
set　for　a　rendezvous；　whiling　away　the　time　with　the　Boston　evening　sheet
whose　glaring　red　headlines　stretched　across　the　page。　　When　the
newspaper　fell　to　her　lap　a　dreamy　expression　clouded　Lise's　eyes。　　She
was　thinking　of　some　man！　　Quickly　Janet　looked　away；　at　her　father；　only
to　be　repelled　anew　by　the　expression；　almost　of　fatuity；　she　discovered
on　his　face　as　he　bent　over　the　letter　once　more。　　Suddenly　she
experienced　an　overwhelming　realization　of　the　desperation　of　Hannah's
plight；the　destiny　of　spending　one's　days；　without　sympathy；　toiling　in
the　confinement　of　these　rooms　to　supply　their　bodily　needs。　　Never　had　a
destiny　seemed　so　appalling。　　And　yet　Janet　resented　that　pity。　　The
effect　of　it　was　to　fetter　and　inhibit；　from　the　moment　of　its　intrusion
she　was　no　longer　a　free　agent；　to　leave　Hampton　and　Ditmar　when　she
chose。　　Without　her；　this　family　was　helpless。　　She　rose；　and　picked　up
some　of　the　dishes。　　Hannah　snatched　them　from　her　hands。

〃Leave　'em　alone；　Janet！〃　she　said　with　unaccustomed　sharpness。　　〃I　guess
I　ain't　too　feeble　to　handle　'em　yet。〃

And　a　flash　of　new　understanding　came　to　Janet。　　The　dishes　were
vicarious；　a　substitute　for　that　greater　destiny　out　of　which　Hannah　had
been　cheated　by　fate。　　A　substitute；　yes；　and　perhaps　become　something　of
a　mania；　like　her　father's　Bumpus　papers。。。。　　Janet　left　the　room
swiftly；　entered　the　bedroom；　put　on　her　coat　and　hat；　and　went　out。
Across　the　street　the　light　in　Mr。　Tiernan's　shop　was　still　burning；　and
through　the　window　she　perceived　Mr。　Tiernan　himself　tilted　back　in　his
chair；　his　feet　on　the　table；　the　tip　of　his　nose　pointed　straight　at　the
ceiling。　　When　the　bell　betrayed　the　opening　of　the　door　he　let　down　his
chair　on　the　floor　with　a　bang。

〃Why；　it's　Miss　Janet！〃　he　exclaimed。　　〃How　are　you　this　evening；　now？　　I
was　just　hoping　some　one　would　pay　me　a　call。〃

Twinkling　at　her；　he　managed；　somewhat　magically；　to　dispel　her　temper　of
pessimism；　and　she　was　moved　to　reply：

〃You　know　you　were　having　a　beautiful　time；　all　by　yourself。〃

〃A　beautiful　time；　is　it？　　Maybe　it's　because　I　was　dreaming　of　some
young　lady　a…coming　to　pay　me　a　visit。〃

〃Well；　dreams　never　come　up　to　expectations；　do　they？〃

〃Then　it's　dreaming　I　am；　still；〃　retorted　Mr。　Tie