the hand of ethelberta-第40章

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not　without　losing　ground　in　other　domains。　　A　woman　may　drive　to
Mayfair　from　her　house　in　Exonbury　Crescent；　and　speak　from　a
platform　there；　and　be　supposed　to　do　it　as　an　original　way　of
amusing　herself；　but　when　it　comes　to　starring　in　the　provinces　she
establishes　herself　as　a　woman　of　a　different　breed　and　habit。　　I
wish　I　were　a　man！　　I　would　give　up　this　house；　advertise　it　to　be
let　furnished；　and　sally　forth　with　confidence。　　But　I　am　driven　to
think　of　other　ways　to　manage　than　that。'

Picotee　fell　into　a　conjectural　look；　but　could　not　guess。

'The　way　of　marriage；'　said　Ethelberta。　　'Otherwise　perhaps　the
poetess　may　live　to　become　what　Dryden　called　himself　when　he　got
old　and　poora　rent…charge　on　Providence。　。　。　。　。　　Yes；　I　must　try
that　way；'　she　continued；　with　a　sarcasm　towards　people　out　of
hearing。　　I　must　buy　a　〃Peerage〃　for　one　thing；　and　a　〃Baronetage；〃
and　a　〃House　of　Commons；〃　and　a　〃Landed　Gentry；〃　and　learn　what
people　are　about　me。　　'I　must　go　to　Doctors'　Commons　and　read　up
wills　of　the　parents　of　any　likely　gudgeons　I　may　know。　　I　must　get
a　Herald　to　invent　an　escutcheon　of　my　family；　and　throw　a
genealogical　tree　into　the　bargain　in　consideration　of　my　taking　a
few　second…hand　heirlooms　of　a　pawnbroking　friend　of　his。　　I　must
get　up　sham　ancestors；　and　find　out　some　notorious　name　to　start　my
pedigree　from。　　It　does　not　matter　what　his　character　was；　either
villain　or　martyr　will　do；　provided　that　he　lived　five　hundred　years
ago。　　It　would　be　considered　far　more　creditable　to　make　good　my
descent　from　Satan　in　the　age　when　he　went　to　and　fro　on　the　earth
than　from　a　ministering　angel　under　Victoria。'

'But；　Berta；　you　are　not　going　to　marry　any　stranger　who　may　turn
up？'　said　Picotee；　who　had　creeping　sensations　of　dread　when
Ethelberta　talked　like　this。

'I　had　no　such　intention。　　But；　having　once　put　my　hand　to　the
plough；　how　shall　I　turn　back？'

'You　might　marry　Mr。　Ladywell；'　said　Picotee；　who　preferred　to　look
at　things　in　the　concrete。

'Yes；　marry　him　villainously；　in　cold　blood；　without　a　moment　to
prepare　himself。'

'Ah；　you　won't！'

'I　am　not　so　sure　about　that。　　I　have　brought　mother　and　the
children　to　town　against　her　judgment　and　against　my　father's；　they
gave　way　to　my　opinion　as　to　one　who　from　superior　education　has
larger　knowledge　of　the　world　than　they。　　I　must　prove　my　promises；
even　if　Heaven　should　fall　upon　me　for　it；　or　what　a　miserable
future　will　theirs　be！　　We　must　not　be　poor　in　London。　　Poverty　in
the　country　is　a　sadness；　but　poverty　in　town　is　a　horror。　　There　is
something　not　without　grandeur　in　the　thought　of　starvation　on　an
open　mountain　or　in　a　wide　wood；　and　your　bones　lying　there　to
bleach　in　the　pure　sun　and　rain；　but　a　back　garret　in　a　rookery；　and
the　other　starvers　in　the　room　insisting　on　keeping　the　window　shut…
…anything　to　deliver　us　from　that！'

'How　gloomy　you　can　be；　Berta！　　It　will　never　be　so　dreadful。　　Why；
I　can　take　in　plain　sewing；　and　you　can　do　translations；　and　mother
can　knit　stockings；　and　so　on。　　How　much　longer　will　this　house　be
yours？'

'Two　years。　　If　I　keep　it　longer　than　that　I　shall　have　to　pay　rent
at　the　rate　of　three　hundred　a　year。　　The　Petherwin　estate　provides
me　with　it　till　then；　which　will　be　the　end　of　Lady　Petherwin's
term。'

'I　see　it；　and　you　ought　to　marry　before　the　house　is　gone；　if　you
mean　to　marry　high；'　murmured　Picotee；　in　an　inadequate　voice；　as
one　confronted　by　a　world　so　tragic　that　any　hope　of　her　assisting
therein　was　out　of　the　question。

It　was　not　long　after　this　exposition　of　the　family　affairs　that
Christopher　called　upon　them；　but　Picotee　was　not　present；　having
gone　to　think　of　superhuman　work　on　the　spur　of　Ethelberta's
awakening　talk。　　There　was　something　new　in　the　way　in　which
Ethelberta　received　the　announcement　of　his　name；　passion　had　to　do
with　it；　so　had　circumspection；　the　latter　most；　for　the　first　time
since　their　reunion。

'I　am　going　to　leave　this　part　of　England；'　said　Christopher；　after
a　few　gentle　preliminaries。　　'I　was　one　of　the　applicants　for　the
post　of　assistant…organist　at　Melchester　Cathedral　when　it　became
vacant；　and　I　find　I　am　likely　to　be　chosen；　through　the　interest　of
one　of　my　father's　friends。'

'I　congratulate　you。'

'No；　Ethelberta；　it　is　not　worth　that。　　I　did　not　originally　mean　to
follow　this　course　at　all；　but　events　seemed　to　point　to　it　in　the
absence　of　a　better。'

'I　too　am　compelled　to　follow　a　course　I　did　not　originally　mean　to
take。'　　After　saying　no　more　for　a　few　moments；　she　added；　in　a　tone
of　sudden　openness；　a　richer　tincture　creeping　up　her　cheek；　'I　want
to　put　a　question　to　you　boldlynot　exactly　a　questiona　thought。
Have　you　considered　whether　the　relations　between　us　which　have
lately　prevailed　areare　the　best　for　youand　for　me？'

'I　know　what　you　mean；'　said　Christopher；　hastily　anticipating　all
that　she　might　be　going　to　say；　'and　I　am　glad　you　have　given　me　the
opportunity　of　speaking　upon　that　subject。　　It　has　been　very　good
and　considerate　in　you　to　allow　me　to　share　your　society　so
frequently　as　you　have　done　since　I　have　been　in　town；　and　to　think
of　you　as　an　object　to　exist　for　and　strive　for。　　But　I　ought　to
have　remembered　that；　since　you　have　nobody　at　your　side　to　look
after　your　interests；　it　behoved　me　to　be　doubly　careful。　　In　short；
Ethelberta；　I　am　not　in　a　position　to　marry；　nor　can　I　discern　when
I　shall　be；　and　I　feel　it　would　be　an　injustice　to　ask　you　to　be
bound　in　any　way　to　one　lower　and　less　talented　than　you。　　You
cannot；　from　what　you　say；　think　it　desirable　that　the　engagement
should　continue。　　I　have　no　right　to　ask　you　to　be　my　betrothed；
without　having　a　near　prospect　of　making　you　my　wife。　　I　don't　mind
saying　this　straight　outI　have　no　fear　that　you　will　doubt　my
love；　thank　Heaven；　you　know　what　that　is　well　enough！　　However；　as
things　are；　I　wish　you　to　know　that　I　cannot　conscientiously　put　in
a　claim　upon　your　attention。'

A　second　meaning　was　written　in　Christopher's　look；　though　he
scarcely　uttered　it。　　A　woman　so　delicately　poised　upon　the　social
globe　could　not　in　honour　be　asked　to　wait　for　a　lover　who　was
unable　to　set　bounds　to　the　waiting　period。　　Yet　he　had　privily
dreamed　of　an　approach　to　that　positionan　unreserved；　ideally
perfect　declaration　from　Ethelberta　that　time　and　practical　issues
were　nothing　to　her；　that　she　would　stand　as　fast　without　material
hopes　as　with　them；　that　love　was　to　be　an　end　with　her　henceforth；
having　utterly　ceased　to　be　a　means。　　Therefore　this　surreptitious
hope　of　his；　founded　on　no　reasonable　expectation；　was　like　a　guilty
thing　surprised　when　Ethelberta　answered；　with　a　predominance　of
judgment　over　passion　still　greater　than　before：

'It　is　unspeakably　generous　in　you　to　put　it　all　before　me　so
nicely；　Christopher。　　I　think　infinitely　more　of　you　for　being　so
unreserved；　especially　since　I　too　have　been　thinking　much　on　the
indefiniteness　of　the　days　to　come。　　We　are　not　numbered　among　the
blest　few　who　can　afford　to　trifle　with　the　time。　　Yet　to　agree　to
anything　like　a　positive　parting　will　be　quite　unnecessary。　　You　did
not　mean　that；　did　you？　for　it　is　harsh　if　you　did。'　　Ethelberta
smiled　kindly　as　she　said　this；　as　much　as　to　say　that　she　was　far
from　really　upbraiding　him。　　'Let　it　be　only　that　we　will　see　each
other　less。　　We　will　bear　one　another　in　mind　as　deeply　attached
friends　if　not　as　definite　lovers；　and　keep　up　friendly　remembrances
of　a　sort　which；　come　what　may；　will　never　have　to　be　ended　by　any
painful　process　termed　breaking　off。　　Different　persons；　different
natures；　and　it　may　be　that　marriage　would　not　be　the　most
favourable　atmosphere　for　our　old　affection　to　prolong　itself　in。
When　do　you　leave　London？'

The　disconnected　query　seemed　to　be　subjoined　to　disperse　the　crude
effect　of　what　had　gone　before。

'I　hardly　know；'　murmured　Christopher。　　'I　suppose　I　shall　not　call
here　again。'

Whilst　they　were　silent　somebody　entered　the　room　softly；　and　they
turned　to　discover　Picotee。

'Come　here；　Picotee；'　said　Ethelberta。

Picotee　came　with　an　abashed　bearing　to　where　the　other　two　w