grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第7章
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if we did part the hoof； like the SWINE； yet if we did not chew the cud； as the sheep； we were still； for all that； but unclean： for I thought the HARE to be a type of those that talk of the word； yet walk in the ways of sin； and that the SWINE was like him that parted with his outward pollutions； but still wanteth the word of faith； without which there could be no way of salvation； let a man be never so devout。 Deut。 xiv。 After this； I found by reading the word； that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world MUST BE CALLED BY HIM HERE； called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness； and to the comforts and first… fruits of His Spirit； and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things； which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest； and house of glory； which is in heaven above。
72。 Here again I was at a very I great stand； not knowing what to do； fearing I was not called； for； thought I； if I be not called； what then can do me good？ None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven。 But oh！ how I now loved those words that spake of a CHRISTIAN'S CALLING！ as when the Lord said to one； FOLLOW ME； and to another； COME AFTER ME： and oh； thought I； that He would say so to me too： how gladly would I run after Him！
73。 I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul； I cried to Christ to call me。 Thus I continued for a time； all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ； and did also see at that day； such glory in a converted state； that I could not be contented without a share therein。 Gold！ could it have been gotten for gold； what would I have given for it？ Had I had a whole world； it had all gone ten thousand times over for this； that my soul might have been in a converted state。
74。 How lovely now was every one in my eyes； that I thought to be converted men and women。 They shone； they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them。 Oh！ I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places； and they had a goodly heritage。 Psalm xvi。 But that which made me sick； was that of Christ； in St Mark； HE GOETH UP INTO A MOUNTAIN； AND CALLETH UNTO HIM WHOM HE WOULD； AND THEY CAME UNTO HIM。 Mark iii。 13。
75。 This scripture made me faint and fear； yet it kindled fire in my soul。 That which made me fear； was this； lest Christ should have no liking to me； for He called WHOM HE WOULD。 But oh！ the glory that I saw in that condition； did still so engage my heart； that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call； but I presently wished； WOULD I HAD BEEN IN THEIR CLOTHES； WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN PETER； WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN JOHN； OR； WOULD I HAD BEEN BY AND HAD HEARD HIM WHEN HE CALLED THEM； HOW WOULD I HAVE CRIED； O LORD； CALL ME ALSO！ BUT； OH！ I FEARED HE WOULD NOT CALL ME。
76。 And truly； the Lord let me go thus many months together； and shewed me nothing； either that I was already； or should be called hereafter： but at last after much time spent； and many groans to God； that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling； that word came in upon me： I WILL CLEANSE THEIR BLOOD； THAT I HAVE NOT CLEANSED； FOR THE LORD DWELLETH IN ZION。 Joel iii。 21。 These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God； and signified unto me； that if I were not already； yet time might come； I might be in truth converted unto Christ。
77。 About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in BEDFORD； and to tell them my condition； which when they had heard； they told Mr Gifford of me； who himself also took occasion to talk with me； and was willing to be well persuaded of me； though I think from little grounds： but he invited me to his house； where I should hear him confer with others； about the dealings of God with their souls； from all which I still received more conviction； and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart； for as yet I knew no great matter therein； but now it began to be discovered unto me； and also to work at that rate as it never did before。 Now I evidently found； that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me； in wicked thoughts and desires； which I did not regard before； my desires also for heaven and life began to fail； I found also； that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God； now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity； yea； my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good； it began to be careless； both of my soul and heaven； it would now continually hang back； both to； and in every duty； and was as a clog on the leg of a bird； to hinder me from flying。
78。 Nay； thought I； now I grow worse and worse： now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before。 Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul； and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart； as laid me as low as hell。 If now I should have burned at the stake； I could not believe that Christ had love for me： alas！ I could neither hear Him； nor see Him； nor feel Him； nor favour any of His things； I was driven as with a tempest； my heart would be unclean； and the CANAANITES would dwell in the land。
79。 Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God； which； when they heard； they would pity me； and would tell me of the promises； but they had as good have told me； that I must reach the sun with my finger； as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises： and as soon I should have done it。 All my sense and feeling were against me； and I saw I had an heart that would sin； and that lay under a law that would condemn。
80。 These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ； WHO； WHILE HE WAS YET COMING TO HIM； WAS THROWN DOWN BY THE DEVIL； AND ALSO SO RENT AND TORN BY HIM； THAT HE LAY DOWN AND WALLOWED； FOAMING。 Luke ix。 42； Mark ix。 20。
81。 Further； in these days； I would find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord； and against His holy word： I have found my unbelief to set； as it were； the shoulder to the door； to keep Him out； and that too even then； when I have with many a bitter sigh； cried； Good Lord； break it open： LORD； BREAK THESE GATES OF BRASS； AND CUT THESE BARS OF IRON ASUNDER。 Psalm cvii。 16。 Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause； I GIRDED THEE； THOUGH THOU HAST NOT KNOWN ME。 Isaiah xlv。 5。
82。 But all this while； as to the act of sinning； I was never more tender than now： my hinder parts were inward： I durst not take a pin or stick； though but so big as a straw； for my conscience now was sore； and would smart at every touch： I could not now tell how to speak my words； for fear I should misplace them。 Oh； how gingerly did I then go； in all I did or said！ I found myself as on a miry bog； that shook if I did but stir； and was； as there； left both of God and Christ； and the Spirit； and all good things。
83。 But I observed； though I was such a great sinner before conversion； yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me； only He showed me； I was lost if I had not Christ； because I had been a sinner： I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God； and this righteousness was no where to be found； but in the Person of Jesus Christ。
84。 But my original and inward pollution； That； that was my plague and affliction； that I saw at a dreadful rate； always putting forth itself within me； that I had the guilt of； to amazement； by reason of that； I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad； and I thought I was so in God's eyes too： Sin and corruption； I said； would as naturally bubble out of my heart； as water would bubble out of a fountain： I thought now； that every one had a better heart than I had； I could have changed heart with any body； I thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind。 I fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair； for I concluded； that this condition that I was in； could not stand with a state of grace。 Sure； though
