grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第4章
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state had been most fearful。
32。 But； I say； my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion； from prodigious profaneness； to something like a moral life； and truly； so they well might； for this my conversion was as great； as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man。 Now therefore they began to praise； to commend； and to speak well of me； both to my face； and behind my back。 Now I was； as they said； become godly； now I was become a right honest man。 But oh！ when I understood these were their words and opinions of me； it pleased me mighty well。 For； though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite； yet； I loved to be talked of as one that was truly godly。 I was proud of my godliness； and indeed； I did all I did； either to be seen of； or to be well spoken of； by men： and thus I continued for about a twelve…month； or more。
33。 Now you must know； that； before this； I had taken much delight in ringing； but my CONSCIENCE beginning to be tender； I thought such PRACTICE was but vain； and therefore forced myself to leave it； yet my mind hankered； wherefore I would go to the steeple… house； and look on； though I durst not ring： but I thought this did not become religion neither； yet I forced myself； and would look on still； but quickly after； I began to think； HOW IF ONE OF THE BELLS SHOULD FALL？ Then I chose to stand under a main beam； that lay overthwart the steeple； from side to side； thinking here I might stand sure； but then I should think again； should the bell fall with a swing； it might first hit the wall； and then； rebounding upon me； might kill me for all this beam； this made me stand in the steeple…door； and now； thought I； I am safe enough； for if the bell should now fall； I can slip out behind these thick walls； and so be preserved notwithstanding。
34。 So after this I would yet go to see them ring； but would not go any farther than the steeple…door； but then it came into my head； how if the steeple itself should fall？ And this thought （it may for aught I know） when I stood and looked on； did continually so shake my mind； that I durst not stand at the steeple…door any longer； but was forced to flee； for fear the steeple should fall upon my head。
35。 Another thing was； my dancing； I was a full year before I could quite leave that； but all this while； when I thought I kept this or that commandment； or did； by word or deed； anything that I thought was good； I had great peace in my conscience； and should think with myself； God cannot choose but be now pleased with me； yea； to relate it in mine own way； I thought no man in ENGLAND could please God better than I。
36。 But poor wretch as I was！ I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ； and going about to establish my own righteousness； and had perished therein； had not God in mercy showed me more of my state by nature。
37。 But upon a day； the good providence of God called me to BEDFORD； to work on my calling； and in one of the streets of that town； I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door； in the sun； talking about the things of God； and being now willing to hear them discourse； I drew near to hear what they said； for I was now a brisk talker also myself； in the matters of religion； but I may say； I HEARD BUT UNDERSTOOD NOT； for they were far above； out of my reach。 Their talk was about a new birth； the work of God on their hearts； also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature； they talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus； and with what words and promises they had been refreshed； comforted； and supported； against the temptations of the devil： moreover； they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular； and told to each other； by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up under his assaults。 They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart； and of their unbelief； and did contemn； slight and abhor their own righteousness； as filthy； and insufficient to do them any good。
38。 And； methought； they spake as if joy did make them speak； they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language； and with such appearance of grace in all they said； that they were to me； as if they had found a new world； as if they were PEOPLE THAT DWELT ALONE； AND WERE NOT TO BE RECKONED AMONG THEIR NEIGHBOURS。 Numb。 xxiii。 9。
39。 At this I felt my own heart began to shake； and mistrust my condition to be naught； for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation； the new…birth did never enter into my mind； neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise； nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart。 As for secret thoughts； I took no notice of them； neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were； nor how they were to be withstood； and resisted； etc。
40。 Thus； therefore； when I had heard and considered what they said； I left them； and went about my employment again； but their talk and discourse went with me； also my heart would tarry with them； for I was greatly affected with their words； both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man； and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one。
41。 Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people； for I could not stay away； and the more I went amongst them； the more I did question my condition； and as I still do remember； presently I found two things within me； at which I did sometimes marvel （especially considering what a blind； ignorant； sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was）。 The one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart； which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted； and the other was a great bending in my mind； to a continual meditating on it； and on all other good things； which at any time I heard or read of。
42。 By these things my mind was now so turned； that it lay like an horse…leech at the vein； still crying out； GIVE； GIVE； Prov。 xxx。 15； yea； it was so fixed on eternity； and on the things about the kingdom of heaven （that is； so far as I knew； though as yet； God knows； I knew but little）； that neither pleasures； nor profits； nor persuasions； nor threats； could loose it； or make it let go its hold； and though I may speak it with shame； yet it is in very deed； a certain truth； it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth； as I have found it often since； to get again from earth to heaven。
43。 One thing I may not omit： There was a young man in our town； to whom my heart before was knit； more than to any other； but he being a most wicked creature for cursing； and swearing； and whoreing； I now shook him off； and forsook his company； but about a quarter of a year after I had left him； I met him in a certain lane； and asked him how he did： he； after his old swearing and mad way； answered； he was well。 But； Harry； said I； WHY DO YOU CURSE AND SWEAR THUS？ WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU； IF YOU DIE IN THIS CONDITION？ He answered me in a great chafe； WHAT WOULD THE DEVIL DO FOR COMPANY； IF IT WERE NOT FOR SUCH AS I AM？
44。 About this time I met with some Ranters' books； that were put forth by some of our countrymen； which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors； some of these I read； but was not able to make any judgment about them； wherefore as I read in them； and thought upon them （seeing myself unable to judge）； I would betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner。 O LORD； I AM A FOOL； AND NOT ABLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH FROM ERROR： LORD； LEAVE ME NOT TO MY OWN BLINDNESS； EITHER TO APPROVE OF OR CONDEMN THIS DOCTRINE； IF IT BE OF GOD； LET ME NOT DESPISE IT； IF IT BE OF THE DEVIL； LET ME NOT EMBRACE IT。 LORD； I LAY MY SOUL IN THIS MATTER ONLY AT THY FOOT； LET ME NOT BE DECEIVED； I HUMBLY BESEECH THEE。 I had one religious intimate companion all this while； and that was the poor man I spoke of before； but about this time； he also turned a most devilish Ranter；
