grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第28章
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hat He had prepared for those that in faith； and love； and patience； stood to His ways before them。 These things； I say； have helped me； when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine； might for the sake of my profession be exposed to； hath lain pinching on my mind。
332。 When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession； then I have thought of that scripture： THEY WERE STONED； THEY WERE SAWN ASUNDER； WERE TEMPTED； WERE SLAIN WITH THE SWORD； THEY WANDERED ABOUT IN SHEEP…SKINS； AND GOAT…SKINS； BEING DESTITUTE； AFFLICTED； TORMENTED； OF WHOM THE WORLD WAS NOT WORTHY； for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them。 I have also thought of that saying； THE HOLY GHOST WITNESSETH IN EVERY CITY； THAT BONDS AND AFFLICTIONS ABIDE ME。 I have verily thought that MY soul and IT have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition； how they were exposed to hunger； to cold； to perils； to nakedness； to enemies； and a thousand calamities； and at last； it may be； to die in a ditch； like a poor and desolate sheep。 But I thank God； hitherto I have not been moved by these most DELICATE reasonings； but have rather； by them； more approved my heart to God。
333。 I will tell you a pretty business：… I was once above all the rest； in a very sad and low condition for many weeks； at which time also； I being but a young prisoner； and not acquainted with the laws； had this lying much upon my spirits； THAT MY IMPRISONMENT MIGHT END AT THE GALLOWS FOR OUGHT THAT I COULD TELL。 Now therefore Satan laid hard at me； to beat me out of heart； by suggesting thus unto me： BUT HOW IF； WHEN YOU COME INDEED TO DIE； YOU SHOULD BE IN THIS CONDITION； THAT IS； AS NOT TO SAVOUR THE THINGS OF GOD； NOR TO HAVE ANY EVIDENCE UPON YOUR SOUL FOR A BETTER STATE HEREAFTER？ （for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul）。
334。 Wherefore； when I at first began to think of this； it was a great trouble to me； for I thought with myself； that in the condition I now was in； I was not fit to die； neither indeed did I think I could； if I should be called to it； besides； I thought with myself； if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder； yet I should either with quaking； or other symptoms of fainting； give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness。 This； therefore； lay with great trouble upon me； for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face； and tottering knees； in such a cause as this。
335。 Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me； and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to； yet no comfort appeared； but all continued hid： I was also at this time； so really possessed with the thought of death； that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck； only this was some encouragement to me； I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude； which I thought would come to see me die； and； thought I； if it must be so； if God will but convert one soul by my very last words； I shall not count my life thrown away； nor lost。
336。 But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight； and still the tempter followed me with； BUT WHITHER MUST YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE？ WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU？ WHERE WILL YOU BE FOUND IN ANOTHER WORLD？ WHAT EVIDENCE HAVE YOU FOR HEAVEN AND GLORY； AND AN INHERITANCE AMONG THEM THAT ARE SANCTIFIED？ Thus was I tossed for many weeks； and knew not what to do； at last this consideration fell with weight upon me； THAT IT WAS FOR THE WORD AND WAY OF GOD THAT I WAS IN THIS CONDITION； WHEREFORE I WAS ENGAGED NOT TO FLINCH AN HAIR'S BREADTH FROM IT。
337。 I thought also； that God might choose whether He would give me comfort now； or at the hour of death； but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no： I was bound； but He was free； yea； 'twas my duty to stand to His word； whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last： wherefore； thought I； save the point being thus； I am for going on； and venturing my eternal state with Christ； whether I have comfort here or no； if God doth not come in； thought I； I WILL LEAP OFF THE LADDER EVEN BLINDFOLD INTO ETERNITY； SINK OR SWIM； COME HEAVEN； COME HELL； LORD JESUS； IF THOU WILT CATCH ME； DO； IF NOT； I WILL VENTURE FOR THY NAME。
338。 I was no sooner fixed in this resolution； but the word dropped upon me； DOTH JOB SERVE GOD FOR NOUGHT？ As if the accuser had said； LORD； JOB IS NO UPRIGHT MAN； BE SERVES THEE FOR BYE… RESPECTS： HAST THOU NOT MADE AN HEDGE ABOUT HIM； ETC。 BUT PUT FORTH NOW THINE HAND； AND TOUCH ALL THAT HE HATH； AND； HE WILL CURSE THEE TO THY FACE。 How now！ thought I； is this the sign of an upright soul； to desire to serve God； when all is taken from him？ Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing； rather than give out！ Blessed be God！ then I hope I have an upright heart； for I am resolved （God giving me strength） never to deny my profession； though I have nothing at all for my pains： and as I was thus considering； that scripture was set before me： Psalm xliv。 12； etc。
339。 Now was my heart full of comfort； for I hoped it was sincere： I would not have been without this trial for much； I am comforted every time I think of it； and I hope I shall bless God for ever； for the teaching I have had by it。 Many more of the dealings towards me I might relate； BUT THESE OUT OF THE SPOILS WON IN BATTLE I HAVE DEDICATED TO MAINTAIN THE HOUSE OF GOD。 1 Chron。 xxvi。 27。
THE CONCLUSION
1。 OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life； to question the being of God； and truth of His gospel is the worst； and the worst to be borne； when this temptation comes； it takes away my girdle from me； and removeth the foundation from under me： Oh！ I have often thought of that word； HAVE YOUR LOINS GIRT ABOUT WITH TRUTH； and of that； WHEN THE FOUNDATIONS ARE DESTROYED； WHAT CAN THE RIGHTEOUS DO？
2。 Sometimes； when after sin committed； I have looked for sore chastisement from the hand of God； the very next that I have had from Him； hath been the discovery of His grace。 Sometimes when I have been comforted； I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble。 And then again； when I have been cast down； I thought I was not wise； to give such way to comfort； with such strength and weight have both these been upon me。
3。 I have wondered much at this one thing； that though God doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself； yet I have found again； that such hours have attended me afterwards； that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness； that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was； with which I have been refreshed。
4。 I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible； than I could well tell how to stand under； and yet at another time； the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick； or rather； My heart hath been so dead and dry unto it； that I could not conceive the refreshment； though I have looked it all over。
5。 Of all fears； they are best that are made by the blood of Christ； and of all joy； that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ： Oh！ it is a goodly thing to be on our knees； with Christ in our arms； before God： I hope I know something of these things。
6。 I find to this day seven abominations in my heart： 1。 Inclining to unbelief； 2。 Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth； 3。 A leaning to the works of the law； 4。 Wanderings and coldness in prayer； 5。 To forget to watch for that I pray for； 6。 Apt to murmur because I have no more； and yet ready to abuse what I have； 7。 I can do none of those things which God commands me； but my corruptions will thrust in themselves。 When I would do good； evil is present with me。
7。 These things I continually see and feel； and am afflicted and oppressed with； yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good； 1。 They make me abhor myself； 2。 They keep me from trusting my heart； 3。 They convince me of the insufficiency of all
