grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第25章
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OUR GLORY AND JOY。 1 Thes。 ii。 19； 20。 These； I say； with many others of a like nature； have been great refreshments to me。
287。 I have observed； that where I have had a work to do for God； I have had first； as it were； the going of God upon my spirit； to desire I might preach there： I have also observed； that such and such souls in particular； have been strongly set upon my heart； and I stirred up to wish for their salvation； and that these very souls have； after this； been given in as the fruits of my ministry。 I have observed； that a word cast in； by…the…bye； hath done more execution in a sermon； than all that was spoken besides： sometimes also； when I have thought I did no good； then I did the most of all； and at other times； when I thought I should catch them； I have fished for nothing。
288。 I have also observed； that where there has been a work to do upon sinners； there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants： yea； oftentimes； when the wicked world hath raged most； there hath been souls awakened by the word： I could instance particulars； but I forbear。
289。 My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country； even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession； yet not because I could not endure the light （for I feared not to show my gospel to any） but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work； and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also； YEA； SO HAVE I STRIVED TO PREACH THE GOSPEL； NOT WHERE CHRIST WAS NAMED； LEST I SHOULD BUILD UPON ANOTHER MAN'S FOUNDATION。 Rom。 xv。 20。
290。 In my preaching I have really been in pain； and have； as it were； travailed to bring forth children to God； neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work。 If I were fruitless； it mattered not who commanded me： but if I were fruitful； I cared not who did condemn。 I have thought of that： LO！ CHILDREN ARE AN HERITAGE OF THE LORD； AND THE FRUIT OF THE WOMB IS HIS REWARD。 … AS ARROWS ARE IN THE HAND OF A MIGHTY MAN； SO ARE CHILDREN OF THE YOUTH。 HAPPY IS THE MAN THAT HATH HIS QUIVER FULL OF THEM： THEY SHALL NOT BE ASHAMED； BUT THEY SHALL SPEAK WITH THE ENEMIES IN THE GATE。 Psalm cxxvii。 3…5。
291。 It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions； if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ； and the worth of their own salvation； sound conviction for sin； especially for unbelief； and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ； with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul： that it was that delighted me； those were the souls I counted blessed。
292。 But in this work； as in all other； I had my temptations attending me； and that of divers kinds； as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein； fearing that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification； nay； that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people； at which times I should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body； that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise。
293。 Sometimes again when I have been preaching； I have been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy； and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation。 I have also at some times； even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness； evidence； and liberty of speech； yet been； before the ending of that opportunity； so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking； and have been also so straightened in my speech； as to utterance before the people； that I have been as if I had not known； or remembered what I have been about； or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise。
294。 Again； when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word； I have found the tempter suggest； WHAT！ WILL YOU PREACH THIS！ THIS CONDEMNS YOURSELF； OF THIS YOUR OWN SOUL IS GUILTY； WHEREFORE PREACH NOT OF IT AT ALL； OR IF YOU DO； YET SO MINCE IT； AS TO MAKE WAY FOR YOUR OWN ESCAPE； LEST INSTEAD OF AWAKENING OTHERS； YOU LAY THAT GUILT UPON YOUR OWN SOUL； THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET FROM UNDER。
295。 But I thank the Lord； I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions； and have rather； as Sampson； bowed myself with all my might； to condemn sin and transgression； wherever I found it； yea； though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience： LET ME DIE （thought I）； WITH THE PHILISTINES； Judges xvi。 29； 30； rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God。 THOU THAT TEACHEST ANOTHER； TEACHEST THOU NOT THYSELF？ It is far better that thou do judge thyself； even by preaching plainly unto others； than that thou； to save thyself； imprison the truth in righteousness。 Blessed be God for His help also in this。
296。 I have also； while found in this blessed work of Christ； been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart： and though I dare not say； I have not been affected with this； yet truly the Lord of His precious mercy； hath so carried it towards me； that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing： for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart； and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein； that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments； I have felt this thorn in the flesh； 2 Cor。 xii。 8； 9； the very mercy of God to me。
297。 I have also had； together with this； some notable place or other of the word presented before me； which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul； notwithstanding gifts and parts： as； for instance； that hath been of great use to me： THOUGH I SPEAK WITH THE TONGUES OF MEN AND ANGELS； AND HAVE NOT CHARITY； I AM BECOME AS SOUNDING BRASS； AND A TINKLING CYMBAL。 1 Cor。 xiii。 1； 2。
298。 A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music； with which a skilful player can make such melodious and heart…inflaming music； that all who hear him play； can scarcely hold from dancing； and yet behold the cymbal hath not life； neither comes the music from it； but because of the art of him that plays therewith； so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish； though in times past such music hath been made upon it。
299。 Just thus I saw it was； and will be； with them who have gifts； but want saving grace； they are in the hand of Christ； as the cymbal in the hand of DAVID： and as DAVID could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service of God； as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers； so Christ can use these gifted men； as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church； yet when He hath done all； hang them by； as lifeless； though sounding cymbals。
300。 This consideration therefore； together with some others； were for the most part； as a maul on the head of pride； and desire of vain…glory。 What； thought I； shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass？ Is it so much to be a fiddle？ hath not the least creature that hath life； more of God in it than these？ Besides； I knew 'twas love should never die； but these must cease and vanish： so I concluded； a little grace； a little love； a little of the true fear of God； is better than all the gifts： yea； and I am fully convinced of it； that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer； but with great confusion as to method； I say； it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace； and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord； than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge； can deliver themselves like angels。
301。 Thus therefore I came to perceive that； though gifts in themselves were good； to the thing for which they are designed； to wit； the edification of others； yet empty； and without power to save the soul of him that hath them； if they be ALONE： neither are they； as so； any sign of a man's state to be happy； being only a dispensation of God to some； of whose improvement； or non… improvement；
