grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第21章
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it became unto my soul。
237。 For the causes； I conceived they were principally two： of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me。 The first was； for that I did not； when I was delivered from the temptation that went before； still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations that were to come； for though； as I can say in truth； my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me； yet then I prayed only； or at the most principally； for the removal of present troubles； and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ； which I saw afterwards was not enough to do； I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come。
238。 Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy DAVID； who when he was under present mercy； yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come； THEN； saith he； SHALL I BE UPRIGHT； AND I SHALL BE INNOCENT FROM THE GREAT TRANSGRESSION。 Psalm xix。 13。 By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation。
239。 That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly； in the neglect of this duty。 Heb。 iv。 16： LET US THEREFORE COME BOLDLY UNTO THE THRONE OF GRACE； THAT WE MAY OBTAIN MERCY； AND FIND GRACE TO HELP IN TIME OF NEED。 This I had not done； and therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall； according to what is written； PRAY THAT YE ENTER NOT INTO TEMPTATION。 And truly this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me； that I dare not； when I come before the Lord； go of my knees； until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come； and I do beseech thee； reader； that thou learn to beware of my negligence； by the afflictions； that for this thing I did for days； and months； and years； with sorrow undergo。
240。 Another cause of this temptation was； that I had tempted God； and on this manner did I do it： Upon a time my wife was great with child； and before her full time was come； her pangs； as of a woman in travail； were fierce and strong upon her； even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour； and been delivered of an untimely birth： now at this very time it was； that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God； wherefore； as my wife lay crying by me； I said； but with all secrecy imaginable； even thinking in my heart； LORD； IF THOU WILT NOW REMOVE THIS SAD AFFLICTION FROM MY WIFE； AND CAUSE THAT SHE BE TROUBLED NO MORE THEREWITH THIS NIGHT （and now were her pangs just upon her）； THEN I SHALL KNOW THAT THOU CANST DISCERN THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART。
241。 I had no sooner said it in my heart； but her pangs were taken from her； and she was cast into a deep sleep； and so continued till morning； at this I greatly marvelled； not knowing what to think； but after I had been awake a good while； and heard her cry no more； I fell asleep also； so when I awaked in the morning； it came upon me again； even what I had said in my heart the last night； and how the Lord had showed me； that He knew my secret thoughts； which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after。
242。 Well； about a year and a half afterwards； that wicked sinful thought； of which I have spoken before； went through my wicked heart； even this thought； LET CHRIST GO； IF HE WILL： so when I was fallen under the guilt for this； the remembrance of my other thought； and of the effect thereof； would also come upon me with this retort； which also carried rebuke along with it； NOW YOU MAY SEE THAT GOD DOTH KNOW THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART。
243。 And with this； that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord； and His servant GIDEON； fell upon my spirit； how because that GIDEON tempted God with his fleece； both wet and dry； when he should have believed and ventured upon His word； therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him； as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies； and that too； as to outward appearance； without any strength or help。 Judges vi。 7。 Thus He served me； and that justly； for I should have believed His word； and not have put an IF upon the all…seeingness of God。
244。 And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have gained by this temptation： and first； by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of God； and of His beloved Son； in the temptation that went before； my soul was perplexed with unbelief； blasphemy； hardness of heart； questions about the being of God； Christ； the truth of the word； and certainty of the world to come： I say； then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism； but now the case was otherwise； now was God and Christ continually before my face； though not in a way of comfort； but in a way of exceeding dread and terror。 The glory of the holiness of God； did at this time break me to pieces； and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel； for I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ； the remembrance of which； was as the continual breaking of my bones。
245。 The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me； I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven； THOSE that the scriptures favour； THEY must inherit bliss； but THOSE that they oppose and condemn； MUST perish for evermore： Oh！ this word； FOR THE SCRIPTURES CANNOT BE BROKEN； would rend the caul of my heart： and so would that other； WHOSE SINS YE REMIT； THEY ARE REMITTED； BUT WHOSE SINS YE RETAIN； THEY ARE RETAINED。 Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge。 Joshua xx。 4。 Those that they were to receive in； were received to life； but those that they shut out； were to be slain by the avenger of blood。
246。 Oh！ one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind； I mean those sentences that stood against me （as sometimes I thought they every one did） more； I say； than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me。 Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves！
247。 By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before； for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God； continually torn and rent by the thundering of His justice： this made me with careful heart； and watchful eye； with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf； and with much diligence； mixed with trembling； to consider every sentence； together with its natural force and latitude。
248。 By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind； for now； though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise； as I had done at other times； yet； like to a man sinking； I would catch at all I saw： formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise； unless I felt its comfort； but now 'twas no time thus to do； the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me。
249。 Now therefore I was glad to catch at THAT word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own； and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me。 Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down； without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof： O！ what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John： AND HIM THAT COMETH TO ME； I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT。 John vi。 37。 Now I began to consider with myself； that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with； than I had a heart to conceive with； I thought also with myself； that He spake not His words in haste； or in an unadvised heat； but with infinite wisdom and judgment； and in very truth and faithfulness。 2 Sam。 iii。 28。
250。 I should in these days； often in my greatest agonies； even flounce towards the promise （as the horses do towards sound ground； that yet stick in the mire）； concluding （though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear） on this I will rest and stay； and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it。 Oh！ many a pull hath my hear
