grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第16章

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THIS　IS　THE　JESUS；　THE　LOVING　SAVIOUR；　THE　SON　OF　GOD；　　WHOM　YOU　HAVE　PARTED　WITH；　WHOM　YOU　HAVE　SLIGHTED；　DESPISED；　AND　　ABUSED。　　THIS　IS　THE　ONLY　SAVIOUR；　THE　ONLY　REDEEMER；　THE　ONLY　ONE　　THAT　COULD　SO　LOVE　SINNERS；　AS　TO　WASH　THEM　FROM　THEIR　SINS　IN　HIS　　OWN　MOST　PRECIOUS　BLOOD；　BUT　YOU　HAVE　NO　PART　NOR　LOT　IN　THIS　　JESUS：　　YOU　HAVE　PUT　HIM　FROM　YOU；　YOU　HAVE　SAID　IN　YOUR　HEART；　Let　　Him　go；　if　He　will。　　NOW；　THEREFORE；　YOU　ARE　SEVERED　FROM　HIM；　YOU　　HAVE　SEVERED　YOURSELF　FROM　HIM：　　BEHOLD　THEN　HIS　GOODNESS；　BUT　　YOURSELF　TO　BE　NO　PARTAKER　OF　IT。　　Oh！　thought　I；　what　have　I　lost；　　what　have　I　parted　with！　　What　has　disinherited　my　poor　soul！　　Oh！　　'tis　sad　to　be　destroyed　by　the　grace　and　mercy　of　God；　to　have　the　　Lamb；　the　Saviour；　turn　lion　and　destroyer。　　Rev。　vi。　　I　also　　trembled；　as　I　have　said；　at　the　sight　of　the　saints　of　God；　　especially　at　those　that　greatly　loved　Him；　and　that　made　it　their　　business　to　walk　continually　with　Him　in　this　world；　for　they　did；　　both　in　their　words；　their　carriages；　and　all　their　expressions　of　　tenderness　and　fear　to　sin　against　their　precious　Saviour；　condemn；　　lay　guilt　upon；　and　also　add　continual　affliction　and　shame　upon　my　　soul。　　THE　DREAD　OF　THEM　WAS　UPON　ME；　AND　I　TREMBLED　AT　GOD'S　　SAMUELS。　　1　Sam。　xvi。　4。

184。　　Now　also　the　tempter　began　afresh　to　mock　my　soul　another　　way；　saying；　THAT　CHRIST　INDEED　DID　PITY　MY　CASE；　AND　WAS　SORRY　FOR　　MY　LOSS；　BUT　FORASMUCH　AS　I　HAD　SINNED　AND　TRANSGRESSED　AS　I　HAD　　DONE；　HE　COULD　BY　NO　MEANS　HELP　ME；　NOR　SAVE　ME　FROM　WHAT　I　FEARED：　　　FOR　MY　SIN　WAS　NOT　OF　THE　NATURE　OF　THEIRS；　FOR　WHOM　HE　BLED　AND　　DIED；　NEITHER　WAS　IT　COUNTED　WITH　THOSE　THAT　WERE　LAID　TO　HIS　　CHARGE；　WHEN　HE　HANGED　ON　A　TREE：　　THEREFORE；　UNLESS　HE　SHOULD　COME　　DOWN　FROM　HEAVEN；　AND　DIE　ANEW　FOR　THIS　SIN；　THOUGH　INDEED　HE　DID　　GREATLY　PITY　ME；　YET　I　COULD　HAVE　NO　BENEFIT　OF　HIM。　　These　things　　may　seem　ridiculous　to　others；　even　as　ridiculous　as　they　were　in　　themselves；　but　to　me　they　were　most　tormenting　cogitations：　　every　　one　of　them　augmented　my　misery；　that　Jesus　Christ　should　have　so　　much　love　as　to　pity　me；　when　yet　He　could　not　help　me；　nor　did　I　　think　that　the　reason　why　He　could　not　help　me；　was；　because　His　　merits　were　weak；　or　His　grace　and　salvation　spent　on　others　　already；　but　because　His　faithfulness　to　His　threatening；　would　not　　let　Him　extend　His　mercy　to　me。　　Besides；　I　thought；　as　I　have　　already　hinted；　that　my　sin　was　not　within　the　bounds　of　that　　pardon；　that　was　wrapped　up　in　a　promise；　and　if　not；　then　I　knew　　assuredly；　that　it　was　more　easy　for　heaven　and　earth　to　pass　away；　　than　for　me　to　have　eternal　life。　　So　that　the　ground　of　all　these　　fears　of　mine　did　arise　from　a　steadfast　belief　I　had　of　the　　stability　of　the　holy　word　of　God；　and　also　from　my　being　　misinformed　of　the　nature　of　my　sin。

185。　　But　oh！　how　this　would　add　to　my　affliction；　to　conceit　that　　I　should　be　guilty　of　such　a　sin；　for　which　He　did　not　die。　　These　　thoughts　would　so　confound　me；　and　imprison　me；　and　tie　me　up　from　　faith；　that　I　knew　not　what　to　do。　　But　oh！　thought　I；　that　He　　would　come　down　again！　　Oh！　that　the　work　of　man's　redemption　was　　yet　to　be　done　by　Christ！　how　would　I　pray　Him　and　entreat　Him　to　　count　and　reckon　this　sin　among　the　rest　for　which　He　died！　　But　　this　scripture　would　strike　me　down　as　dead；　CHRIST　BEING　RAISED　　FROM　THE　DEAD；　DIETH　NO　MORE；　DEATH　HATH　NO　MORE　DOMINION　OVER　HIM。　　　Rom。　vi。　9。

186。　　Thus；　by　the　strange　and　unusual　assaults　of　the　tempter；　my　　soul　was　like　a　broken　vessel；　driven　as　with　the　winds；　and　tossed　　sometimes　headlong　into　despair；　sometimes　upon　the　covenant　of　　works；　and　sometimes　to　wish　that　the　new　covenant；　and　the　　conditions　thereof；　might　so　far　forth；　as　I　thought　myself　　concerned；　be　turned　another　way；　and　changed；　BUT　IN　ALL　THESE；　I　　WAS　AS　THOSE　THAT　JOSTLE　AGAINST　THE　ROCKS；　MORE　BROKEN；　SCATTERED　　AND　RENT。　　Oh！　the　un…thought…of　imaginations；　frights；　fears；　and　　terrors；　that　are　affected　by　a　thorough　application　of　guilt　　yielding　to　desperation！　　THIS　IS　THE　MAN　THAT　HATH　HIS　DWELLING　　AMONG　THE　TOMBS　WITH　THE　DEAD；　THAT　IS　ALWAYS　CRYING　OUT；　AND　　CUTTING　HIMSELF　WITH　STONES。　　Mark　v。　1；　2；　3。　　But；　I　say；　all　in　　vain；　desperation　will　not　comfort　him；　the　old　covenant　will　not　　save　him：　　nay；　heaven　and　earth　shall　pass　away；　before　one　jot　or　　tittle　of　the　word　and　law　of　grace　will　fail　or　be　removed。　　This　　I　saw；　this　I　felt；　and　under　this　I　groaned；　yet　this　advantage　I　　got　thereby；　namely；　a　farther　confirmation　of　the　certainty　of　the　　way　of　salvation；　and　that　the　scriptures　were　the　word　of　God。　　　Oh！　I　cannot　now　express　what　then　I　saw　and　felt　of　the　steadiness　　of　Jesus　Christ；　the　rock　of　man's　salvation：　　What　was　done；　could　　not　be　undone；　added　to；　nor　altered。　　I　saw；　indeed；　that　sin　　might　drive　the　soul　beyond　Christ；　even　the　sin　which　is　　unpardonable；　but　woe　to　him　that　was　so　driven；　for　the　word　would　　shut　him　out。

187。　　Thus　I　was　always　sinking；　whatever　I　did　think　or　do。　　So　　one　day　I　walked　to　a　neighbouring　town；　and　sate　down　upon　a　　settle　in　the　street；　and　fell　into　a　very　deep　pause　about　the　　most　fearful　state　my　sin　had　brought　me　to；　and　after　long　musing；　　I　lifted　up　I　sat　my　head；　but　methought　I　saw；　as　if　the　sun　that　　shineth　in　the　heavens　did　grudge　to　give　light；　and　as　if　the　very　　stones　in　the　street；　and　tiles　upon　the　houses；　did　bend　　themselves　against　me。　　Methought　that　they　all　combined　together　　to　banish　me　out　of　the　world。　　I　was　abhorred　of　them；　and　unfit　　to　dwell　among　them；　or　be　partaker　of　their　benefits；　because　I　　had　sinned　against　the　Saviour。　　O　how　happy　now　was　every　creature　　over　I　was！　　For　they　stood　fast；　and　kept　their　station；　but　I　was　　gone　and　lost。

188。　　Then　breaking　out　in　the　bitterness　of　my　soul；　I　said　to　　myself　with　a　grievous　sigh；　HOW　CAN　GOD　COMFORT　SUCH　A　WRETCH！　　I　　had　no　sooner　said　it；　but　this　returned　upon　me；　as　an　echo　doth　　answer　a　voice：　　THIS　SIN　IS　NOT　UNTO　DEATH。　　At　which　I　was；　as　if　　I　had　been　raised　out　of　the　grave；　and　cried　out　again；　LORD；　HOW　　COULDST　THOU　FIND　OUT　SUCH　A　WORD　AS　THIS！　　For　I　was　filled　with　　admiration　at　the　fitness；　and　at　the　unexpectedness　of　the　　sentence；　the　fitness　of　the　word；　the　rightness　of　the　timing　of　　it；　the　power；　and　sweetness；　and　light；　and　glory　that　came　with　　it　also；　were　marvellous　to　me　to　find：　　I　was　now；　for　the　time；　　out　of　doubt；　as　to　that　about　which　I　was　so　much　in　doubt　before；　　my　fears　before　WERE；　that　my　sin　was　not　pardonable；　and　so　that　I　　had　no　right　to　pray；　to　repent；　etc。；　or　that；　if　I　did；　it　would　　be　of　no　advantage　or　profit　to　me。　　But　now；　thought　I；　if　THIS　　SIN　is　not　unto　death；　then　it　is　pardonable；　therefore　from　this　I　　have　encouragement　to　come　to　God　by　Christ　for　mercy；　to　consider　　the　promise　of　forgiveness；　as　that　which　stands　with　open　arms　to　　receive　me　as　well　as　others。　　This　therefore　was　a　great　easement　　to　my　mind；　to　wit；　that　my　sin　was　pardonable；　that　it　was　not　the　　sin　unto　death　（1　John　v。　16；　17）。　　None　but　those　that　know　what　　my　trouble　（by　their　own　experience）　was；　can　tell　what　relief　came　　to　my　soul　by　this　consideration：　　it　was　a　release　to　me　from　my　　former　bonds；　and　a　shelter　from　the　former　storm：　　I　seemed　now　to　　stand　upon　the　same　ground　with　other　sinners；　and　to　have　as　good　　right　to　the　word　and　prayer　as　any　of　they。

189。　　Now　I　say；　I　was　in　hopes　that　my　sin　was　not　unpardonable；　　but　that　there　might　be　hopes　for　me　to　obtain　forgiveness。　　But　　oh！　how　Satan　did　now　lay　about　him　for　to　bring　me　down　again！　　　But　he　could　by　no　means　do　it；　neither　this　day；　nor　the　most　part　　of　the　next；　for　this　good　sentence　stood　like　a　mill…post　at　my　　back：　　yet　towards　the　evening　of　the　next　day；　I　felt　this　word　　begin　to　leave　me；　and　to　withdraw　its　supportation　from　me；　and　so　　I　returned　to　my　old　fears　again；　but　with　a　great　deal　of　grudging　　and　peevishness；　for　I　feared　the　sorrow　of　despair；　nor　could　my　　faith　now　long　retain　this　word。

190。　　But　the　next　day　at　evening；　being　under　many　fears；　I　went　　to　seek　the　Lord；　and　as　I　prayed；　I　cried；　and　my　soul　cried　to　　Him　in　these　words；　with　s