the secrets of the princesse de cadignan-第12章
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married me in 1814； when I was seventeen years old （you see how old I
am now！） to Monsieur de Maufrigneuse； not out of affection for me； but
out of regard for him。 She discharged her debt to the only man she had
ever loved； for the happiness she had once received from him。 Oh！ you
need not be astonished at so horrible a conspiracy； it frequently
takes place。 Many women are more lovers than mothers； though the
majority are more mothers than wives。 The two sentiments； love and
motherhood； developed as they are by our manners and customs； often
struggle together in the hearts of women； one or other must succumb
when they are not of equal strength； when they are； they produce some
exceptional women； the glory of our sex。 A man of your genius must
surely comprehend many things that bewilder fools but are none the
less true； indeed I may go further and call them justifiable through
difference of characters； temperaments； attachments； situations。 I；
for example； at this moment； after twenty years of misfortunes； of
deceptions； of calumnies endured； and weary days and hollow pleasures；
is it not natural that I should incline to fall at the feet of a man
who would love me sincerely and forever？ And yet； the world would
condemn me。 But twenty years of suffering might well excuse a few
brief years which may still remain to me of youth given to a sacred
and real love。 This will not happen。 I am not so rash as to sacrifice
my hopes of heaven。 I have borne the burden and heat of the day； I
shall finish my course and win my recompense。〃
〃Angel！〃 thought d'Arthez。
〃After all； I have never blamed my mother； she knew little of me。
Mothers who lead a life like that of the Duchesse d'Uxelles keep their
children at a distance。 I saw and knew nothing of the world until my
marriage。 You can judge of my innocence！ I knew nothing； I was
incapable of understanding the causes of my marriage。 I had a fine
fortune； sixty thousand francs a year in forests； which the Revolution
overlooked （or had not been able to sell） in the Nivernais； with the
noble chateau of d'Anzy。 Monsieur de Maufrigneuse was steeped in debt。
Later I learned what it was to have debts； but then I was too utterly
ignorant of life to suspect my position； the money saved out of my
fortune went to pacify my husband's creditors。 Monsieur de
Maufrigneuse was forty…eight years of age when I married him； but
those years were like military campaigns； they ought to count for
twice what they were。 Ah！ what a life I led for ten years！ If any one
had known the suffering of this poor； calumniated little woman！ To be
watched by a mother jealous of her daughter！ Heavens！ You who make
dramas； you will never invent anything as direful as that。 Ordinarily；
according to the little that I know of literature； a drama is a suite
of actions； speeches； movements which hurry to a catastrophe； but what
I speak of was a catastrophe in action。 It was an avalanche fallen in
the morning and falling again at night only to fall again the next
day。 I am cold now as I speak to you of that cavern without an
opening； cold； sombre； in which I lived。 I； poor little thing that I
was！ brought up in a convent like a mystic rose； knowing nothing of
marriage； developing late； I was happy at first； I enjoyed the
goodwill and harmony of our family。 The birth of my poor boy； who is
all meyou must have been struck by the likeness？ my hair； my eyes；
the shape of my face； my mouth； my smile； my teeth！well； his birth
was a relief to me； my thoughts were diverted by the first joys of
maternity from my husband； who gave me no pleasure and did nothing for
me that was kind or amiable； those joys were all the keener because I
knew no others。 It had been so often rung into my ears that a mother
should respect herself。 Besides； a young girl loves to play the
mother。 I was so proud of my flowerfor Georges was beautiful； a
miracle； I thought！ I saw and thought of nothing but my son； I lived
with my son。 I never let his nurse dress or undress him。 Such cares；
so wearing to mothers who have a regiment of children； were all my
pleasure。 But after three or four years； as I was not an actual fool；
light came to my eyes in spite of the pains taken to blindfold me。 Can
you see me at that final awakening； in 1819？ The drama of 'The
Brothers at enmity' is a rose…water tragedy beside that of a mother
and daughter placed as we then were。 But I braved them all； my mother；
my husband； the world； by public coquetries which society talked of；
and heaven knows how it talked！ You can see； my friend； how the men
with whom I was accused of folly were to me the dagger with which to
stab my enemies。 Thinking only of my vengeance； I did not see or feel
the wounds I was inflicting on myself。 Innocent as a child； I was
thought a wicked woman； the worst of women； and I knew nothing of it！
The world is very foolish； very blind； very ignorant； it can penetrate
no secrets but those which amuse it and serve its malice： noble
things； great things； it puts its hand before its eyes to avoid
seeing。 But； as I look back； it seems to me that I had an attitude and
aspect of indignant innocence； with movements of pride； which a great
painter would have recognized。 I must have enlivened many a ball with
my tempests of anger and disdain。 Lost poesy！ such sublime poems are
only made in the glowing indignation which seizes us at twenty。 Later；
we are wrathful no longer； we are too weary； vice no longer amazes us；
we are cowards； we fear。 But thenoh！ I kept a great pace！ For all
that I played the silliest personage in the world； I was charged with
crimes by which I never benefited。 But I had such pleasure in
compromising myself。 That was my revenge！ Ah！ I have played many
childish tricks！ I went to Italy with a thoughtless youth； whom I
crushed when he spoke to me of love； but later； when I herd that he
was compromised on my account （he had committed a forgery to get
money） I rushed to save him。 My mother and husband kept me almost
without means； but； this time； I went to the king。 Louis XVIII。； that
man without a heart； was touched； he gave me a hundred thousand francs
from his privy purse。 The Marquis d'Esgrignonyou must have seen him
in society for he ended by making a rich marriagewas saved from the
abyss into which he had plunged for my sake。 That adventure； caused by
my own folly； led me to reflect。 I saw that I myself was the first
victim of my vengeance。 My mother； who knew I was too proud； too
d'Uxelles； to conduct myself really ill； began to see the harm that
she had done me and was frightened by it。 She was then fifty…two years
of age； she left Paris and went to live at Uxelles。 There she expiates
her wrong…doing by a life of devotion and expresses the utmost
affection for me。 After her departure I was face to face； alone； with
Monsieur de Maufrigneuse。 Oh！ my friend； you men can never know what
an old man of gallantry can be。 What a home is that of a man
accustomed to the adulation of women of the world； when he finds
neither incense nor censer in his own house！ dead to all！ and yet；
perhaps for that very reason； jealous。 I wishedwhen Monsieur de
Maufrigneuse was wholly mineI wished to be a good wife； but I found
myself repulsed with the harshness of a soured spirit by a man who
treated me like a child and took pleasure in humiliating my self…
respect at every turn； in crushing me under the scorn of his
experience； and in convicting me of total ignorance。 He wounded me on
all occasions。 He did everything to make me detest him and to give me
the right to betray him； but I was still the dupe of my own hope and
of my desire to do right through several years。 Shall I tell you the
cruel saying that drove me to further follies？ 'The Duchesse de
Maufrigneuse has gone back to her husband；' said the world。 'Bah！ it
is always a triumph to bring the dead to life； it is all she can now
do；' replied my best friend； a relation； she； at whose
