camille-第42章

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out　me　had　a　festal　air。　I　never　knew　before　that　a　ray　of　sunshine　could　contain　so　much　joy；　sweetness；　and　consolation。

I　met　almost　all　the　people　I　knew；　all　happy；　all　absorbed　in　their　pleasures。　How　many　happy　people　don't　even　know　that　they　are　happy！　Olympe　passed　me　in　an　elegant　carriage　that　M。　de　N。　has　given　her。　She　tried　to　insult　me　by　her　look。　She　little　knows　how　far　I　am　from　such　things　now。　A　nice　fellow；　whom　I　have　known　for　a　long　time；　asked　me　if　I　would　have　supper　with　him　and　one　of　his　friends；　who；　he　said；　was　very　anxious　to　make　my　acquaintance。　I　smiled　sadly　and　gave　him　my　hand；　burning　with　fever。　I　never　saw　such　an　astonished　countenance。

I　came　in　at　four；　and　had　quite　an　appetite　for　my　dinner。　Going　out　has　done　me　good。　If　I　were　only　going　to　get　well！　How　the　sight　of　the　life　and　happiness　of　others　gives　a　desire　of　life　to　those　who；　only　the　night　before；　in　the　solitude　of　their　soul　and　in　the　shadow　of　their　sick…room；　only　wanted　to　die　soon！

January　10。

The　hope　of　getting　better　was　only　a　dream。　I　am　back　in　bed　again；　covered　with　plasters　which　burn　me。　If　I　were　to　offer　the　body　that　people　paid　so　dear　for　once；　how　much　would　they　give；　I　wonder；　to…day？

We　must　have　done　something　very　wicked　before　we　were　born；　or　else　we　must　be　going　to　be　very　happy　indeed　when　we　are　dead；　for　God　to　let　this　life　have　all　the　tortures　of　expiation　and　all　the　sorrows　of　an　ordeal。

January　12。

I　am　always　ill。

The　Comte　de　N。　sent　me　some　money　yesterday。　I　did　not　keep　it。　I　won't　take　anything　from　that　man。　It　is　through　him　that　you　are　not　here。

Oh；　that　good　time　at　Bougival！　Where　is　it　now？

If　I　come　out　of　this　room　alive　I　will　make　a　pilgrimage　to　the　house　we　lived　in　together；　but　I　will　never　leave　it　until　I　am　dead。

Who　knows　if　I　shall　write　to　you　to…morrow？

January　25。

I　have　not　slept　for　eleven　nights。　I　am　suffocated。　I　imagine　every　moment　that　I　am　going　to　die。　The　doctor　has　forbidden　me　to　touch　a　pen。　Julie　Duprat；　who　is　looking　after　me；　lets　me　write　these　few　lines　to　you。　Will　you　not　come　back　before　I　die？　Is　it　all　over　between　us　forever？　It　seems　to　me　as　if　I　should　get　well　if　you　came。　What　would　be　the　good　of　getting　well？

January　28。

This　morning　I　was　awakened　by　a　great　noise。　Julie；　who　slept　in　my　room；　ran　into　the　dining…room。　I　heard　men's　voices；　and　hers　protesting　against　them　in　vain。　She　came　back　crying。

They　had　come　to　seize　my　things。　I　told　her　to　let　what　they　call　justice　have　its　way。　The　bailiff　came　into　my　room　with　his　hat　on。　He　opened　the　drawers；　wrote　down　what　he　saw；　and　did　not　even　seem　to　be　aware　that　there　was　a　dying　woman　in　the　bed　that　fortunately　the　charity　of　the　law　leaves　me。

He　said；　indeed；　before　going；　that　I　could　appeal　within　nine　days；　but　he　left　a　man　behind　to　keep　watch。　My　God！　what　is　to　become　of　me？　This　scene　has　made　me　worse　than　I　was　before。　Prudence　wanted　to　go　and　ask　your　father's　friend　for　money；　but　I　would　not　let　her。

I　received　your　letter　this　morning。　I　was　in　need　of　it。　Will　my　answer　reach　you　in　time？　Will　you　ever　see　me　again？　This　is　a　happy　day；　and　it　has　made　me　forget　all　the　days　I　have　passed　for　the　last　six　weeks。　I　seem　as　if　I　am　better；　in　spite　of　the　feeling　of　sadness　under　the　impression　of　which　I　replied　to　you。

After　all；　no　one　is　unhappy　always。

When　I　think　that　it　may　happen　to　me　not　to　die；　for　you　to　come　back；　for　me　to　see　the　spring　again；　for　you　still　to　love　me；　and　for　us　to　begin　over　again　our　last　year's　life！

Fool　that　I　am！　I　can　scarcely　hold　the　pen　with　which　I　write　to　you　of　this　wild　dream　of　my　heart。

Whatever　happens；　I　loved　you　well；　Armand；　and　I　would　have　died　long　ago　if　I　had　not　had　the　memory　of　your　love　to　help　me　and　a　sort　of　vague　hope　of　seeing　you　beside　me　again。

February　4。

The　Comte　de　G。　has　returned。　His　mistress　has　been　unfaithful　to　him。　He　is　very　sad；　he　was　very　fond　of　her。　He　came　to　tell　me　all　about　it。　The　poor　fellow　is　in　rather　a　bad　way　as　to　money；　all　the　same；　he　has　paid　my　bailiff　and　sent　away　the　man。

I　talked　to　him　about　you；　and　he　promised　to　tell　you　about　me。　I　forgot　that　I　had　been　his　mistress；　and　he　tried　to　make　me　forget　it；　too。　He　is　a　good　friend。

The　duke　sent　yesterday　to　inquire　after　me；　and　this　morning　he　came　to　see　me。　I　do　not　know　how　the　old　man　still　keeps　alive。　He　remained　with　me　three　hours　and　did　not　say　twenty　words。　Two　big　tears　fell　from　his　eyes　when　he　saw　how　pale　I　was。　The　memory　of　his　daughter's　death　made　him　weep；　no　doubt。　He　will　have　seen　her　die　twice。　His　back　was　bowed；　his　head　bent　toward　the　ground；　his　lips　drooping；　his　eyes　vacant。　Age　and　sorrow　weigh　with　a　double　weight　on　his　worn…out　body。　He　did　not　reproach　me。　It　looked　as　if　he　rejoiced　secretly　to　see　the　ravages　that　disease　had　made　in　me。　He　seemed　proud　of　being　still　on　his　feet；　while　I；　who　am　still　young；　was　broken　down　by　suffering。

The　bad　weather　has　returned。　No　one　comes　to　see　me。　Julie　watches　by　me　as　much　as　she　can。　Prudence；　to　whom　I　can　no　longer　give　as　much　as　I　used　to；　begins　to　make　excuses　for　not　coming。

Now　that　I　am　so　near　death；　in　spite　of　what　the　doctors　tell　me；　for　I　have　several；　which　proves　that　I　am　getting　worse；　I　am　almost　sorry　that　I　listened　to　your　father；　if　I　had　known　that　I　should　only　be　taking　a　year　of　your　future；　I　could　not　have　resisted　the　longing　to　spend　that　year　with　you；　and；　at　least；　I　should　have　died　with　a　friend　to　hold　my　hand。　It　is　true　that　if　we　had　lived　together　this　year；　I　should　not　have　died　so　soon。

God's　will　be　done！

February　5。

Oh；　come；　come；　Armand！　I　suffer　horribly；　I　am　going　to　die；　O　God！　I　was　so　miserable　yesterday　that　I　wanted　to　spend　the　evening；　which　seemed　as　if　it　were　going　to　be　as　long　as　the　last；　anywhere　but　at　home。　The　duke　came　in　the　morning。　It　seems　to　me　as　if　the　sight　of　this　old　man；　whom　death　has　forgotten；　makes　me　die　faster。

Despite　the　burning　fever　which　devoured　me；　I　made　them　dress　me　and　take　me　to　the　Vaudeville。　Julie　put　on　some　rouge　for　me；　without　which　I　should　have　looked　like　a　corpse。　I　had　the　box　where　I　gave　you　our　first　rendezvous。　All　the　time　I　had　my　eyes　fixed　on　the　stall　where　you　sat　that　day；　though　a　sort　of　country　fellow　sat　there；　laughing　loudly　at　all　the　foolish　things　that　the　actors　said。　I　was　half　dead　when　they　brought　me　home。　I　coughed　and　spat　blood　all　the　night。　To…day　I　can　not　speak；　I　can　scarcely　move　my　arm。　My　God！　My　God！　I　am　going　to　die！　I　have　been　expecting　it；　but　I　can　not　get　used　to　the　thought　of　suffering　more　than　I　suffer　now；　and　if

After　this　the　few　characters　traced　by　Marguerite　were　indecipherable；　and　what　followed　was　written　by　Julie　Duprat。

February　18。

MONSIEUR　ARMAND：

Since　the　day　that　Marguerite　insisted　on　going　to　the　theatre　she　has　got　worse　and　worse。　She　has　completely　lost　her　voice；　and　now　the　use　of　her　limbs。

What　our　poor　friend　suffers　is　impossible　to　say。　I　am　not　used　to　emotions　of　this　kind；　and　I　am　in　a　state　of　constant　fright。

How　I　wish　you　were　here！　She　is　almost　always　delirious；　but　delirious　or　lucid；　it　is　always　your　name　that　she　pronounces；　when　she　can　speak　a　word。

The　doctor　tells　me　that　she　is　not　here　for　long。　Since　she　got　so　ill　the　old　duke　has　not　returned。　He　told　the　doctor　that　the　sight　was　too　much　for　him。

Mme。　Duvernoy　is　not　behaving　well。　This　woman；　who　thought　she　could　get　more　money　out　of　Marguerite；　at　whose　expense　she　was　living　almost　completely；　has　contracted　liabilities　which　she　can　not　meet；　and　seeing　that　her　neighbour　is　no　longer　of　use　to　her；　she　does　not　even　come　to　see　her。　Everybody　is　abandoning　her。　M。　de　G。；　prosecuted　for　his　debts；　has　had　to　return　to　London。　On　leaving；　he　sent　us　more　money；　he　has　done　all　he　could；　but　they　have　returned　to　seize　the　things；　and　the　creditors　are　only　waiting　for　her　to　die　in　order　to　sell　everything。

I　wanted　to　use　my　last　resources　to　put　a　stop　to　it；　but　the　bailiff　told　me　it　was　no　use；　and　that　there