camille-第24章

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；　she　said　that　I　might　be　in　the　way。〃

〃You　in　the　way；　Marguerite！　But　how？〃

〃Well；　you　might　have　had　a　woman　here；〃　said　Prudence；　〃and　it　would　hardly　have　been　amusing　for　her　to　see　two　more　arrive。〃

During　this　remark　Marguerite　looked　at　me　attentively。

〃My　dear　Prudence；〃　I　answered；　〃you　do　not　know　what　you　are　saying。〃

〃What　a　nice　place　you've　got！〃　Prudence　went　on。　〃May　we　see　the　bedroom？〃

〃Yes。〃

Prudence　went　into　the　bedroom；　not　so　much　to　see　it　as　to　make　up　for　the　foolish　thing　which　she　had　just　said；　and　to　leave　Marguerite　and　me　alone。

〃Why　did　you　bring　Prudence？〃　I　asked　her。

〃Because　she　was　at　the　theatre　with　me；　and　because　when　I　leave　here　I　want　to　have　some　one　to　see　me　home。〃

〃Could　not　I　do？〃

〃Yes；　but；　besides　not　wishing　to　put　you　out；　I　was　sure　that　if　you　came　as　far　as　my　door　you　would　want　to　come　up；　and　as　I　could　not　let　you；　I　did　not　wish　to　let　you　go　away　blaming　me　for　saying　'No。'〃

〃And　why　could　you　not　let　me　come　up？〃

〃Because　I　am　watched；　and　the　least　suspicion　might　do　me　the　greatest　harm。〃

〃Is　that　really　the　only　reason？〃

〃If　there　were　any　other；　I　would　tell　you；　for　we　are　not　to　have　any　secrets　from　one　another　now。〃

〃Come；　Marguerite；　I　am　not　going　to　take　a　roundabout　way　of　saying　what　I　really　want　to　say。　Honestly；　do　you　care　for　me　a　little？〃

〃A　great　deal。〃

〃Then　why　did　you　deceive　me？〃

〃My　friend；　if　I　were　the　Duchess　So　and　So；　if　I　had　two　hundred　thousand　francs　a　year；　and　if　I　were　your　mistress　and　had　another　lover；　you　would　have　the　right　to　ask　me；　but　I　am　Mlle。　Marguerite　Gautier；　I　am　forty　thousand　francs　in　debt；　I　have　not　a　penny　of　my　own；　and　I　spend　a　hundred　thousand　francs　a　year。　Your　question　becomes　unnecessary　and　my　answer　useless。〃

〃You　are　right；〃　I　said；　letting　my　head　sink　on　her　knees；　〃but　I　love　you　madly。〃

〃Well；　my　friend；　you　must　either　love　me　a　little　less　or　understand　me　a　little　better。　Your　letter　gave　me　a　great　deal　of　pain。　If　I　had　been　free；　first　of　all　I　would　not　have　seen　the　count　the　day　before　yesterday；　or；　if　I　had；　I　should　have　come　and　asked　your　forgiveness　as　you　ask　me　now；　and　in　future　I　should　have　had　no　other　lover　but　you。　I　fancied　for　a　moment　that　I　might　give　myself　that　happiness　for　six　months；　you　would　not　have　it；　you　insisted　on　knowing　the　means。　Well；　good　heavens；　the　means　were　easy　enough　to　guess！　In　employing　them　I　was　making　a　greater　sacrifice　for　you　than　you　imagine。　I　might　have　said　to　you；　'I　want　twenty　thousand　francs'；　you　were　in　love　with　me　and　you　would　have　found　them；　at　the　risk　of　reproaching　me　for　it　later　on。　I　preferred　to　owe　you　nothing；　you　did　not　understand　the　scruple；　for　such　it　was。　Those　of　us　who　are　like　me；　when　we　have　any　heart　at　all；　we　give　a　meaning　and　a　development　to　words　and　things　unknown　to　other　women；　I　repeat；　then；　that　on　the　part　of　Marguerite　Gautier　the　means　which　she　used　to　pay　her　debts　without　asking　you　for　the　money　necessary　for　it；　was　a　scruple　by　which　you　ought　to　profit；　without　saying　anything。　If　you　had　only　met　me　to…day；　you　would　be　too　delighted　with　what　I　promised　you；　and　you　would　not　question　me　as　to　what　I　did　the　day　before　yesterday。　We　are　sometimes　obliged　to　buy　the　satisfaction　of　our　souls　at　the　expense　of　our　bodies；　and　we　suffer　still　more；　when；　afterward；　that　satisfaction　is　denied　us。〃

I　listened；　and　I　gazed　at　Marguerite　with　admiration。　When　I　thought　that　this　marvellous　creature；　whose　feet　I　had　once　longed　to　kiss；　was　willing　to　let　me　take　my　place　in　her　thoughts；　my　part　in　her　life；　and　that　I　was　not　yet　content　with　what　she　gave　me；　I　asked　if　man's　desire　has　indeed　limits　when；　satisfied　as　promptly　as　mine　had　been；　it　reached　after　something　further。

〃Truly；〃　she　continued；　〃we　poor　creatures　of　chance　have　fantastic　desires　and　inconceivable　loves。　We　give　ourselves　now　for　one　thing；　now　for　another。　There　are　men　who　ruin　themselves　without　obtaining　the　least　thing　from　us；　there　are　others　who　obtain　us　for　a　bouquet　of　flowers。　Our　hearts　have　their　caprices；　it　is　their　one　distraction　and　their　one　excuse。　I　gave　myself　to　you　sooner　than　I　ever　did　to　any　man；　I　swear　to　you；　and　do　you　know　why？　Because　when　you　saw　me　spitting　blood　you　took　my　hand；　because　you　wept；　because　you　are　the　only　human　being　who　has　ever　pitied　me。　I　am　going　to　say　a　mad　thing　to　you：　I　once　had　a　little　dog　who　looked　at　me　with　a　sad　look　when　I　coughed；　that　is　the　only　creature　I　ever　loved。　When　he　died　I　cried　more　than　when　my　mother　died。　It　is　true　that　for　twelve　years　of　her　life　she　used　to　beat　me。　Well；　I　loved　you　all　at　once；　as　much　as　my　dog。　If　men　knew　what　they　can　have　for　a　tear；　they　would　be　better　loved　and　we　should　be　less　ruinous　to　them。

〃Your　letter　undeceived　me；　it　showed　me　that　you　lacked　the　intelligence　of　the　heart；　it　did　you　more　harm　with　me　than　anything　you　could　possibly　have　done。　It　was　jealousy　certainly；　but　ironical　and　impertinent　jealousy。　I　was　already　feeling　sad　when　I　received　your　letter。　I　was　looking　forward　to　seeing　you　at　twelve；　to　having　lunch　with　you；　and　wiping　out；　by　seeing　you；　a　thought　which　was　with　me　incessantly；　and　which；　before　I　knew　you；　I　had　no　difficulty　in　tolerating。

〃Then；〃　continued　Marguerite；　〃you　were　the　only　person　before　whom　it　seemed　to　me；　from　the　first；　that　I　could　think　and　speak　freely。　All　those　who　come　about　women　like　me　have　an　interest　in　calculating　their　slightest　words；　in　thinking　of　the　consequences　of　their　most　insignificant　actions。　Naturally　we　have　no　friends。　We　have　selfish　lovers　who　spend　their　fortunes；　riot　on　us；　as　they　say；　but　on　their　own　vanity。　For　these　people　we　have　to　be　merry　when　they　are　merry；　well　when　they　want　to　sup；　sceptics　like　themselves。　We　are　not　allowed　to　have　hearts；　under　penalty　of　being　hooted　down　and　of　ruining　our　credit。

〃We　no　longer　belong　to　ourselves。　We　are　no　longer　beings；　but　things。　We　stand　first　in　their　self…esteem；　last　in　their　esteem。　We　have　women　who　call　themselves　our　friends；　but　they　are　friends　like　Prudence；　women　who　were　once　kept　and　who　have　still　the　costly　tastes　that　their　age　does　not　allow　them　to　gratify。　Then　they　become　our　friends；　or　rather　our　guests　at　table。　Their　friendship　is　carried　to　the　point　of　servility；　never　to　that　of　disinterestedness。　Never　do　they　give　you　advice　which　is　not　lucrative。　It　means　little　enough　to　them　that　we　should　have　ten　lovers　extra；　as　long　as　they　get　dresses　or　a　bracelet　out　of　them；　and　that　they　can　drive　in　our　carriage　from　time　to　time　or　come　to　our　box　at　the　theatre。　They　have　our　last　night's　bouquets；　and　they　borrow　our　shawls。　They　never　render　us　a　service；　however　slight；　without　seeing　that　they　are　paid　twice　its　value。　You　yourself　saw　when　Prudence　brought　me　the　six　thousand　francs　that　I　had　asked　her　to　get　from　the　duke；　how　she　borrowed　five　hundred　francs；　which　she　will　never　pay　me　back；　or　which　she　will　pay　me　in　hats；　which　will　never　be　taken　out　of　their　boxes。

〃We　can　not；　then；　have；　or　rather　I　can　not　have　more　than　one　possible　kind　of　happiness；　and　this　is；　sad　as　I　sometimes　am；　suffering　as　I　always　am；　to　find　a　man　superior　enough　not　to　ask　questions　about　my　life；　and　to　be　the　lover　of　my　impressions　rather　than　of　my　body。　Such　a　man　I　found　in　the　duke；　but　the　duke　is　old；　and　old　age　neither　protects　nor　consoles。　I　thought　I　could　accept　the　life　which　he　offered　me；　but　what　would　you　have？　I　was　dying　of　ennui；　and　if　one　is　bound　to　be　consumed；　it　is　as　well　to　throw　oneself　into　the　flames　as　to　be　asphyxiated　with　charcoal。

〃Then　I　met　you；　young；　ardent；　happy；　and　I　tried　to　make　you　the　man　I　had　longed　for　in　my　noisy　solitude。　What　I　loved　in　you　was　not　the　man　who　was；　but　the　man　who　was　going　to　be。　You　do　not　accept　the　position；　you　reject　it　as　unworthy　of　you；　you　are　an　ordinary　lover。　Do　like　the　others；　pay　me；　and　say　no　more　about　it。〃

Marguerite；　tired　out　with　this　long　confession；　threw　herself　back　on　the　sofa；　and　to　stifle　a　slight　cough　put　up　her　handkerchief