camille-第22章

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and　I　waited　impatiently　for　daylight　in　order　to　set　out　forthwith　to　rejoin　my　father　and　my　sister；　of　whose　love　at　least　I　was　certain；　and　certain　that　that　love　would　never　be　betrayed。

However；　I　did　not　wish　to　go　away　without　letting　Marguerite　know　why　I　went。　Only　a　man　who　really　cares　no　more　for　his　mistress　leaves　her　without　writing　to　her。　I　made　and　remade　twenty　letters　in　my　head。　I　had　had　to　do　with　a　woman　like　all　other　women　of　the　kind。　I　had　been　poetizing　too　much。　She　had　treated　me　like　a　school…boy；　she　had　used　in　deceiving　me　a　trick　which　was　insultingly　simple。　My　self…esteem　got　the　upper　hand。　I　must　leave　this　woman　without　giving　her　the　satisfaction　of　knowing　that　she　had　made　me　suffer；　and　this　is　what　I　wrote　to　her　in　my　most　elegant　handwriting　and　with　tears　of　rage　and　sorrow　in　my　eyes：

〃MY　DEAR　MARGUERITE：　I　hope　that　your　indisposition　yesterday　was　not　serious。　I　came；　at　eleven　at　night；　to　ask　after　you；　and　was　told　that　you　had　not　come　in。　M。　de　G。　was　more　fortunate；　for　he　presented　himself　shortly　afterward；　and　at　four　in　the　morning　he　had　not　left。

〃Forgive　me　for　the　few　tedious　hours　that　I　have　given　you；　and　be　assured　that　I　shall　never　forget　the　happy　moments　which　I　owe　to　you。

〃I　should　have　called　to…day　to　ask　after　you；　but　I　intend　going　back　to　my　father's。

〃Good…bye；　my　dear　Marguerite。　I　am　not　rich　enough　to　love　you　as　I　would　nor　poor　enough　to　love　you　as　you　would。　Let　us　then　forget；　you　a　name　which　must　be　indifferent　enough　to　you；　I　a　happiness　which　has　become　impossible。

〃I　send　back　your　key；　which　I　have　never　used；　and　which　might　be　useful　to　you；　if　you　are　often　ill　as　you　were　yesterday。〃

As　you　will　see；　I　was　unable　to　end　my　letter　without　a　touch　of　impertinent　irony；　which　proved　how　much　in　love　I　still　was。

I　read　and　reread　this　letter　ten　times　over；　then　the　thought　of　the　pain　it　would　give　to　Marguerite　calmed　me　a　little。　I　tried　to　persuade　myself　of　the　feelings　which　it　professed；　and　when　my　servant　came　to　my　room　at　eight　o'clock；　I　gave　it　to　him　and　told　him　to　take　it　at　once。

〃Shall　I　wait　for　an　answer？〃　asked　Joseph　（my　servant；　like　all　servants；　was　called　Joseph）。

〃If　they　ask　whether　there　is　a　reply；　you　will　say　that　you　don't　know；　and　wait。〃

I　buoyed　myself　up　with　the　hope　that　she　would　reply。　Poor；　feeble　creatures　that　we　are！　All　the　time　that　my　servant　was　away　I　was　in　a　state　of　extreme　agitation。　At　one　moment　I　would　recall　how　Marguerite　had　given　herself　to　me；　and　ask　myself　by　what　right　I　wrote　her　an　impertinent　letter；　when　she　could　reply　that　it　was　not　M。　de　G。　who　supplanted　me；　but　I　who　had　supplanted　M。　de　G。：　a　mode　of　reasoning　which　permits　many　women　to　have　many　lovers。　At　another　moment　I　would　recall　her　promises；　and　endeavour　to　convince　myself　that　my　letter　was　only　too　gentle；　and　that　there　were　not　expressions　forcible　enough　to　punish　a　woman　who　laughed　at　a　love　like　mine。　Then　I　said　to　myself　that　I　should　have　done　better　not　to　have　written　to　her；　but　to　have　gone　to　see　her；　and　that　then　I　should　have　had　the　pleasure　of　seeing　the　tears　that　she　would　shed。　Finally；　I　asked　myself　what　she　would　reply　to　me；　already　prepared　to　believe　whatever　excuse　she　made。

Joseph　returned。

〃Well？〃　I　said　to　him。

〃Sir；〃　said　he；　〃madame　was　not　up；　and　still　asleep；　but　as　soon　as　she　rings　the　letter　will　be　taken　to　her；　and　if　there　is　any　reply　it　will　be　sent。〃

She　was　asleep！

Twenty　times　I　was　on　the　point　of　sending　to　get　the　letter　back；　but　every　time　I　said　to　myself：　〃Perhaps　she　will　have　got　it　already；　and　it　would　look　as　if　I　have　repented　of　sending　it。〃

As　the　hour　at　which　it　seemed　likely　that　she　would　reply　came　nearer；　I　regretted　more　and　more　that　I　had　written。　The　clock　struck；　ten；　eleven；　twelve。　At　twelve　I　was　on　the　point　of　keeping　the　appointment　as　if　nothing　had　happened。　In　the　end　I　could　see　no　way　out　of　the　circle　of　fire　which　closed　upon　me。

Then　I　began　to　believe；　with　the　superstition　which　people　have　when　they　are　waiting；　that　if　I　went　out　for　a　little　while；　I　should　find　an　answer　when　I　got　back。　I　went　out　under　the　pretext　of　going　to　lunch。

Instead　of　lunching　at　the　Cafe　Foy；　at　the　corner　of　the　Boulevard；　as　I　usually　did；　I　preferred　to　go　to　the　Palais　Royal　and　so　pass　through　the　Rue　d'Antin。　Every　time　that　I　saw　a　woman　at　a　distance；　I　fancied　it　was　Nanine　bringing　me　an　answer。　I　passed　through　the　Rue　d'Antin　without　even　coming　across　a　commissionaire。　I　went　to　Very's　in　the　Palais　Royal。　The　waiter　gave　me　something　to　eat；　or　rather　served　up　to　me　whatever　he　liked；　for　I　ate　nothing。　In　spite　of　myself；　my　eyes　were　constantly　fixed　on　the　clock。　I　returned　home；　certain　that　I　should　find　a　letter　from　Marguerite。

The　porter　had　received　nothing；　but　I　still　hoped　in　my　servant。　He　had　seen　no　one　since　I　went　out。

If　Marguerite　had　been　going　to　answer　me　she　would　have　answered　long　before。

Then　I　began　to　regret　the　terms　of　my　letter；　I　should　have　said　absolutely　nothing；　and　that　would　undoubtedly　have　aroused　her　suspicions；　for；　finding　that　I　did　not　keep　my　appointment；　she　would　have　inquired　the　reason　of　my　absence；　and　only　then　I　should　have　given　it　to　her。　Thus；　she　would　have　had　to　exculpate　herself；　and　what　I　wanted　was　for　her　to　exculpate　herself。　I　already　realized　that　I　should　have　believed　whatever　reasons　she　had　given　me；　and　anything　was　better　than　not　to　see　her　again。

At　last　I　began　to　believe　that　she　would　come　to　see　me　herself；　but　hour　followed　hour；　and　she　did　not　come。

Decidedly　Marguerite　was　not　like　other　women；　for　there　are　few　who　would　have　received　such　a　letter　as　I　had　just　written　without　answering　it　at　all。

At　five；　I　hastened　to　the　Champs…Elysees。　〃If　I　meet　her；〃　I　thought；　〃I　will　put　on　an　indifferent　air；　and　she　will　be　convinced　that　I　no　longer　think　about　her。〃

As　I　turned　the　corner　of　the　Rue　Royale；　I　saw　her　pass　in　her　carriage。　The　meeting　was　so　sudden　that　I　turned　pale。　I　do　not　know　if　she　saw　my　emotion；　as　for　me；　I　was　so　agitated　that　I　saw　nothing　but　the　carriage。

I　did　not　go　any　farther　in　the　direction　of　the　Champs…Elysees。　I　looked　at　the　advertisements　of　the　theatres；　for　I　had　still　a　chance　of　seeing　her。　There　was　a　first　night　at　the　Palais　Royal。　Marguerite　was　sure　to　be　there。　I　was　at　the　theatre　by　seven。　The　boxes　filled　one　after　another；　but　Marguerite　was　not　there。　I　left　the　Palais　Royal　and　went　to　all　the　theatres　where　she　was　most　often　to　be　seen：　to　the　Vaudeville；　the　Varietes；　the　Opera　Comique。　She　was　nowhere。

Either　my　letter　had　troubled　her　too　much　for　her　to　care　to　go　to　the　theatre；　or　she　feared　to　come　across　me；　and　so　wished　to　avoid　an　explanation。　So　my　vanity　was　whispering　to　me　on　the　boulevards；　when　I　met　Gaston；　who　asked　me　where　I　had　been。

〃At　the　Palais　Royal。〃

〃And　I　at　the　Opera；〃　said　he；　〃I　expected　to　see　you　there。〃

〃Why？〃

〃Because　Marguerite　was　there。〃

〃Ah；　she　was　there？〃

〃Yes。

〃Alone？〃

〃No；　with　another　woman。〃

〃That　all？〃

〃The　Comte　de　G。　came　to　her　box　for　an　instant；　but　she　went　off　with　the　duke。　I　expected　to　see　you　every　moment；　for　there　was　a　stall　at　my　side　which　remained　empty　the　whole　evening；　and　I　was　sure　you　had　taken　it。〃

〃But　why　should　I　go　where　Marguerite　goes？〃

〃Because　you　are　her　lover；　surely！〃

〃Who　told　you　that？〃

〃Prudence；　whom　I　met　yesterday。　I　give　you　my　congratulations；　my　dear　fellow；　she　is　a　charming　mistress；　and　it　isn't　everybody　who　has　the　chance。　Stick　to　her；　she　will　do　you　credit。〃

These　simple　reflections　of　Gaston　showed　me　how　absurd　had　been　my　susceptibilities。　If　I　had　only　met　him　the　night　before　and　he　had　spoken　to　me　like　that；　I　should　certainly　not　have　written　the　foolish　letter　which　I　had　written。

I　was　on　the　point　of　calling　on　Prudence；　and　of　sending　her　to　tell　Marguerite　that　I　wanted　to　speak　to　her；　but　I　feared　that　she　would　revenge　herself　on　me　by　saying　that　she　could　not　see　me；　and　I　returned　home；　after　passing　through　the　Rue　d'Antin。　Agai