camille-第15章

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〃So　you　are　in　love　with　me？　Say　it　straight　out；　it　is　much　more　simple。〃

〃It　is　possible；　but　if　I　am　to　say　it　to　you　one　day；　it　is　not　to…day。〃

〃You　will　do　better　never　to　say　it。〃

〃Why？〃

〃Because　only　one　of　two　things　can　come　of　it。〃

〃What？〃

〃Either　I　shall　not　accept：　then　you　will　have　a　grudge　against　me；　or　I　shall　accept：　then　you　will　have　a　sorry　mistress；　a　woman　who　is　nervous；　ill；　sad；　or　gay　with　a　gaiety　sadder　than　grief；　a　woman　who　spits　blood　and　spends　a　hundred　thousand　francs　a　year。　That　is　all　very　well　for　a　rich　old　man　like　the　duke；　but　it　is　very　bad　for　a　young　man　like　you；　and　the　proof　of　it　is　that　all　the　young　lovers　I　have　had　have　very　soon　left　me。〃　I　did　not　answer；　I　listened。　This　frankness；　which　was　almost　a　kind　of　confession；　the　sad　life；　of　which　I　caught　some　glimpse　through　the　golden　veil　which　covered　it；　and　whose　reality　the　poor　girl　sought　to　escape　in　dissipation；　drink；　and　wakefulness；　impressed　me　so　deeply　that　I　could　not　utter　a　single　word。

〃Come；〃　continued　Marguerite；　〃we　are　talking　mere　childishness。　Give　me　your　arm　and　let　us　go　back　to　the　dining…room。　They　won't　know　what　we　mean　by　our　absence。〃

〃Go　in；　if　you　like；　but　allow　me　to　stay　here。〃

〃Why？〃

〃Because　your　mirth　hurts　me。〃

〃Well；　I　will　be　sad。〃

〃Marguerite；　let　me　say　to　you　something　which　you　have　no　doubt　often　heard；　so　often　that　the　habit　of　hearing　it　has　made　you　believe　it　no　longer；　but　which　is　none　the　less　real；　and　which　I　will　never　repeat。〃

〃And　that　is　。　。　。　？〃　she　said；　with　the　smile　of　a　young　mother　listening　to　some　foolish　notion　of　her　child。

〃It　is　this；　that　ever　since　I　have　seen　you；　I　know　not　why；　you　have　taken　a　place　in　my　life；　that；　if　I　drive　the　thought　of　you　out　of　my　mind；　it　always　comes　back；　that　when　I　met　you　to…day；　after　not　having　seen　you　for　two　years；　you　made　a　deeper　impression　on　my　heart　and　mind　than　ever；　that；　now　that　you　have　let　me　come　to　see　you；　now　that　I　know　you；　now　that　I　know　all　that　is　strange　in　you；　you　have　become　a　necessity　of　my　life；　and　you　will　drive　me　mad；　not　only　if　you　will　not　love　me；　but　if　you　will　not　let　me　love　you。〃

〃But；　foolish　creature　that　you　are；　I　shall　say　to　you；　like　Mme。　D。；　'You　must　be　very　rich；　then！'　Why；　you　don't　know　that　I　spend　six　or　seven　thousand　francs　a　month；　and　that　I　could　not　live　without　it；　you　don't　know；　my　poor　friend；　that　I　should　ruin　you　in　no　time；　and　that　your　family　would　cast　you　off　if　you　were　to　live　with　a　woman　like　me。　Let　us　be　friends；　good　friends；　but　no　more。　Come　and　see　me；　we　will　laugh　and　talk；　but　don't　exaggerate　what　I　am　worth；　for　I　am　worth　very　little。　You　have　a　good　heart；　you　want　some　one　to　love　you；　you　are　too　young　and　too　sensitive　to　live　in　a　world　like　mine。　Take　a　married　woman。　You　see；　I　speak　to　you　frankly；　like　a　friend。〃

〃But　what　the　devil　are　you　doing　there？〃　cried　Prudence；　who　had　come　in　without　our　bearing　her；　and　who　now　stood　just　inside　the　door；　with　her　hair　half　coming　down　and　her　dress　undone。　I　recognised　the　hand　of　Gaston。

〃We　are　talking　sense；〃　said　Marguerite；　〃leave　us　alone；　we　will　be　back　soon。〃

〃Good；　good！　Talk；　my　children；〃　said　Prudence；　going　out　and　closing　the　door　behind　her；　as　if　to　further　empbasize　the　tone　in　which　she　had　said　these　words。

〃Well；　it　is　agreed；〃　continued　Marguerite；　when　we　were　alone；　〃you　won't　fall　in　love　with　me？〃

〃I　will　go　away。〃

〃So　much　as　that？〃

I　had　gone　too　far　to　draw　back；　and　I　was　really　carried　away。　This　mingling　of　gaiety；　sadness；　candour；　prostitution；　her　very　malady；　which　no　doubt　developed　in　her　a　sensitiveness　to　impressions；　as　well　as　an　irritability　of　nerves；　all　this　made　it　clear　to　me　that　if　from　the　very　beginning　I　did　not　completely　dominate　her　light　and　forgetful　nature；　she　was　lost　to　me。

〃Come；　now；　do　you　seriously　mean　what　you　say？〃　she　said。

〃Seriously。〃

〃But　why　didn't　you　say　it　to　me　sooner？〃

〃When　could　I　have　said　it？〃

〃The　day　after　you　had　been　introduced　to　me　at　the　Opera　Comique。〃

〃I　thought　you　would　have　received　me　very　badly　if　I　had　come　to　see　you。〃

〃Why？〃

〃Because　I　had　behaved　so　stupidly。〃

〃That's　true。　And　yet　you　were　already　in　love　with　me。〃

〃Yes。〃

〃And　that　didn't　hinder　you　from　going　to　bed　and　sleeping　quite　comfortably。　One　knows　what　that　sort　of　love　means。〃

〃There　you　are　mistaken。　Do　you　know　what　I　did　that　evening；　after　the　Opera　Comique？〃

〃No。〃

〃I　waited　for　you　at　the　door　of　the　Cafe　Anglais。　I　followed　the　carriage　in　which　you　and　your　three　friends　were；　and　when　I　saw　you　were　the　only　one　to　get　down；　and　that　you　went　in　alone；　I　was　very　happy。〃

Marguerite　began　to　laugh。

〃What　are　you　laughing　at？〃

〃Nothing。〃

〃Tell　me；　I　beg　of　you；　or　I　shall　think　you　are　still　laughing　at　me。〃

〃You　won't　be　cross？〃

〃What　right　have　I　to　be　cross？〃

〃Well；　there　was　a　sufficient　reason　why　I　went　in　alone。〃

〃What？〃

〃Some　one　was　waiting　for　me　here。〃

If　she　had　thrust　a　knife　into　me　she　would　not　have　hurt　me　more。　I　rose；　and　holding　out　my　hand；　〃Goodbye；〃　said　I。

〃I　knew　you　would　be　cross；〃　she　said；　〃men　are　frantic　to　know　what　is　certain　to　give　them　pain。〃

〃But　I　assure　you；〃　I　added　coldly；　as　if　wishing　to　prove　how　completely　I　was　cured　of　my　passion；　〃I　assure　you　that　I　am　not　cross。　It　was　quite　natural　that　some　one　should　be　waiting　for　you；　just　as　it　is　quite　natural　that　I　should　go　from　here　at　three　in　the　morning。〃

〃Have　you；　too；　some　one　waiting　for　you？〃

〃No；　but　I　must　go。〃

〃Good…bye；　then。〃

〃You　send　me　away？〃

〃Not　the　least　in　the　world。〃

〃Why　are　you　so　unkind　to　me？〃

〃How　have　I　been　unkind　to　you？〃

〃In　telling　me　that　some　one　was　waiting　for　you。〃

〃I　could　not　help　laughing　at　the　idea　that　you　had　been　so　happy　to　see　me　come　in　alone　when　there　was　such　a　good　reason　for　it。〃

〃One　finds　pleasure　in　childish　enough　things；　and　it　is　too　bad　to　destroy　such　a　pleasure　when；　by　simply　leaving　it　alone；　one　can　make　somebody　so　happy。〃

〃But　what　do　you　think　I　am？　I　am　neither　maid　nor　duchess。　I　didn't　know　you　till　to…day；　and　I　am　not　responsible　to　you　for　my　actions。　Supposing　one　day　I　should　become　your　mistress；　you　are　bound　to　know　that　I　have　had　other　lovers　besides　you。　If　you　make　scenes　of　jealousy　like　this　before；　what　will　it　be　after；　if　that　after　should　ever　exist？　I　never　met　any　one　like　you。〃

〃That　is　because　no　one　has　ever　loved　you　as　I　love　you。〃

〃Frankly；　then；　you　really　love　me？〃

〃As　much　as　it　is　possible　to　love；　I　think。〃

〃And　that　has　lasted　since？〃

〃Since　the　day　I　saw　you　go　into　Susse's；　three　years　ago。

〃Do　you　know；　that　is　tremendously　fine？　Well；　what　am　to　do　in　return？〃

〃Love　me　a　little；〃　I　said；　my　heart　beating　so　that　I　could　hardly　speak；　for；　in　spite　of　the　half…mocking　smiles　with　which　she　had　accompanied　the　whole　conversation；　it　seemed　to　me　that　Marguerite　began　to　share　my　agitation；　and　that　the　hour　so　long　awaited　was　drawing　near。

〃Well；　but　the　duke？〃

〃What　duke？〃

〃My　jealous　old　duke。〃

〃He　will　know　nothing。〃

〃And　if　he　should？〃

〃He　would　forgive　you。〃

〃Ah；　no；　he　would　leave　me；　and　what　would　become　of　me？〃

〃You　risk　that　for　some　one　else。〃

〃How　do　you　know？〃　〃By　the　order　you　gave　not　to　admit　any　one　to…night。〃　〃It　is　true；　but　that　is　a　serious　friend。〃

〃For　whom　you　care　nothing；　as　you　have　shut　your　door　against　him　at　such　an　hour。〃

〃It　is　not　for　you　to　reproach　me；　since　it　was　in　order　to　receive　you；　you　and　your　friend。〃

Little　by　little　I　had　drawn　nearer　to　Marguerite。　I　had　put　my　arms　about　her　waist；　and　I　felt　her　supple　body　weigh　lightly　on　my　clasped　hands。

〃If　you　knew　how　much　I　love　you！〃　I　said　in　a　low　voice。　〃Really　true？〃

〃I　swear　it。〃

〃Well；　if　you　will　promise　to　do　everything　I　tell　you；　without　a　word；　without　an　opinion；　without　a　question；　perhaps　I　will　say　yes。〃

〃I　will　do　everything　that　you　wish！〃

〃But　I　forewarn　you　I　must　be　free　to　do　as　I　please；　without　giving　you　the　slightest　details　what　I　do。　I　ha