the choir invisible-第36章
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o wrong。 You had helped him； he had waited to see you alone； hoping to get more help。 Then suppose he had found you as you are nowfull of your gladness！ He wouldn't have believed in you！ He'd have been hardened。〃
〃If he'd been the right kind of man；〃 replied the parson； quickly facing an arraignment had the rancour of denunciation； 〃he ought to have been more benefited by the sight of a glad man than the sound of a sad sermon。 He'd have found in me a man who practises what he preaches： I have conquered my wilderness。 But； I think；〃 he added more gravely； 〃that if any such soul had come to me in his trouble； I could have helped him： if he had let me know what it was； he would have found that I could understand； could sympathize。 Still； I don't see why you should condemn my conduct by the test of imaginary cases。 I suppose I'm happy now because I'm glad to be with you；〃 and the parson looked the school…master a little reproachfully in the eyes。
〃And do you think I have no troubles？〃 said John； his lips trembling。 He turned away and the parson walked beside him。
〃You have two troubles to my certain knowledge；〃 said he in the tone of one bringing forward a piece of critical analysis that was rather mortifying to exhibit。 〃The one is a woman and the other is John Calvin。 If it's Amy； throw it off and be a man。 If it's Calvinism； throw it off and become an Episcopalian。〃 He laughed out despite himself。
〃Did you ever love a woman？〃 asked John gruffly。
〃Many a onein the state of the first Adam！〃
〃That's the reason you threw it off： many a one！〃
〃Don't you know；〃 inquired the parson with an air of exegetical candour； 〃that no man can be miserable because some woman or other has flirted his friend？ That's the one trouble that every man laughs atwhen it happens in his neighbourhood； not in his own house！〃
The school…master made no reply。
〃Or if it is Calvin；〃 continued the parson； 〃thank God； I can now laugh at him； and so should you！ Answer me one question： during the sermon； weren't you thinking of the case of a man born in a wilderness of temptations that he is foreordained never to conquer； and then foreordained to eternal damnation because he didn't conquer it？〃
〃Nono！〃
〃Well； you'd better've been thinking about it！ For that's what you believe。 And that's what makes life so hard and bitter and gloomy to you。 I know！ I carried Calvinism around within me once： it was like an uncorked ink…bottle in a rolling snowball： the farther you go； the blacker you get！ Admit it now；〃 he continued in his highest key of rarefied persistency； 〃admit that you were mourning over the babies in your school that will have to go to hell！ You'd better be getting some of your own： the Lord will take care of other people's！ Go to see Mrs。 Falconer！ See all you can of her。 There's a woman to bring you around！〃
They had reached the little bridge over the clear； swift Elkhorn。 Their paths diverged。 John stopped at his companion's last words； and stood looking at him with some pity。
〃I thank you for your sermon；〃 he said huskily； 〃I hope to get some help from that。 But you！you are making things harder for me every word you utter。 You don't understand and I can't tell you。〃
He took the parson's cool delicate hand in his big hot one。
Alone in the glow of the golden dusk of that day he was sitting outside his cabin on the brow of the hill； overlooking the town in the valley。 How peaceful it lay in the Sunday evening light！ The burden of the parson's sermon weighed more heavily than ever on his spirit。 He had but to turn his eye down the valley and there； flashing in the sheen of sunset； flowed the great spring； around the margin of which the first group of Western hunters had camped for the night and given the place its name from one of the battle…fields of the Revolution； up the valley he could see the roof under which the Virginia aristocracy of the Church of England had consecrated their first poor shrine。 What history lay between the finding of that spring and the building of that altar！ Not the winning of the wilderness simply； not alone its peace。 That westward penetrating wedge of iron…browed； iron…muscled； iron…hearted men； who were now beginning to be known as the Kentuckians； had not only cleft a road for themselves； they had opened a fresh highway for the tread of the nation and found a vaster heaven for the Star of Empire。 Already this youthful gigantic West was beginning to make its voice heard from Quebec to New Orleans while beyond the sea the three greatest kingdoms of Europe had grave and troubled thoughts of the on…rushing power it foretokened and the unimaginably splendid future for the Anglo…Saxon race that it forecast。
He recalled the ardour with which he had followed the tramp of those wild Westerners； footing it alone from the crest of the Cumberland； subsisting on the game he could kill by the roadside； sleeping at night on his rifle in some thicket of underbrush or cane； resolute to make his way to this new frontier of the new republic in the new world； open his school； read law； and begin his practice； and cast his destiny in with its heroic people。
And now this was the last Sunday in a long time； perhaps forever； that he should see it allthe valley； the town； the evening land； resting in its peace。 Before the end of another week his horse would be climbing the ranges of the Alleghanies； bearing him on his way to Mount Vernon and thence to Philadelphia。 By outward compact he was going on one mission for the Transylvania Library Committee and on another from his Democratic Society to the political Clubs of the East。 But in his own soul he knew he was going likewise because it would give him the chance to fight his own battle out； alone and far away。
Fight it out here； he felt that he never could。 He could neither live near her and not see her； nor see her and not betray the truth。 His whole life had been a protest against the concealment either of his genuine dislikes or his genuine affections。 How closely he had come to the tragedy of a confession； she to the tragedy of an understanding； the day before！ Her deathly pallor had haunted him ever sincethat look of having suffered a terrible wound。 Perhaps she understood already。
Then let her understand！ Then at least he could go away better satisfied： if he never came back； she would know： every year of that long separation； her mind would be bearing him the pardoning companionship that every woman must yield the man who has loved her； and still loves her； wrongfully and hopelessly： of itself that knowledge would be a great deal to him during all those years。
Struggle against it as he would； the purpose was steadily gaining ground within him to see her and if she did not now know everything then to tell her the truth。 The consequences would be a tragedy； but might it not be a tragedy of another kind？ For there were darker moments when he probed strange recesses of life for him in the possibility that his confession might open up a like confession from her。 He had once believed Amy to be true when she was untrue。 Might he not be deceived here？ Might she not appear true； but in reality be untrue？ If he were successfully concealing his love from her； might she not be successfully concealing her love from him？ And if they found each other out； what then？
At such moments all through him like an alarm bell sounded her warning： 〃The only things that need trouble us very much are not the things it is right to conquer but the things it is wrong to conquer。 If you ever conquer anything in yourself that is right； that will be a real trouble for you as long as you liveand for me！〃
Had she meant this？ But whatever mood was uppermost； of one thing he now felt assured： that the sight of her made his silence more difficult。 He had fancied that her mere presence； her purity； her constancy； her loftiness of nature would rebuke and rescue him from the evil in himself： it had only stamped upon this the consciousness of reality。 He had never even realized until he saw her the last time how beautiful she was； the change in himself had opened his eyes to this； and her greater tenderness toward him in their talk of his departure； her dependence on his friend
