the choir invisible-第34章
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er our ideals ourselvesalways： a thousand things outside ourselves do that for us。 And what reason had you to say that you would have what you wanted？ Your wishes are not infallible。 Suppose you craved the forbidden？〃
She looked over at him archly； but he jerked his face farther away。 Then he spoke out with the impulse to get away from her question：
〃I could stand to be worsted by great things。 But the little ones； the low； the coarse； the trivial！ Ever since I was here lastbeginning that very nightI have been struggling like a beast with his foot in a trap。 I don't mean Amy！〃 he cried apologetically。
〃I'm glad you've discovered there are little things；〃 she replied。 〃I had feared you might never find that out。 I'm not sure yet that you have。 One of your great troubles is that everything in life looks too large to you； too serious； too important。 You fight the gnats of the world as you fought your panther。 With you everything is a mortal combat。 You run every butterfly down and break it on an iron wheel； after you have broken it； it doesn't matter： everything is as it was before； except that you have lost time and strength。 The only things that need trouble us very much are not the things it is right to conquer； but the things it is wrong to conquer。 If you ever conquer in yourself anything that is right； that will be a real trouble for you as long as you liveand for me！〃
He turned quickly and sat facing her； the muscles of his face moving convulsively。 She did not look at him； but went on：
〃The last time you were here； you told me that I did not appreciate Amy； that I could not do her justice； but that no woman could ever understand why a man loved any other woman。〃
〃Did I say that？〃 he muttered remorsefully。
〃It was because you did not appreciate heit was because you would never be able to do her justicethat I was so opposed to the marriage。 And this was largely a question of little things。 I knew perfectly well that as soon as you married Amy； you would begin to expect her to act as though she were made of iron： so many pieces； so many wheels； so many cogs； so many revolutions。 All the inevitable little things that make up the most of her lifethat make up so large a part of every woman's lifethe little moods； the little play； little changes； little tempers and inconsistencies and contradictions and falsities and hypocrisies which come every morning and go every night；all these would soon have been to youoh！ I'm afraid they'd have been as big as a herd of buffalo！ There would have been a bull fight for every foible。〃
She laughed out merrily； but she did not look at him。
〃Yes；〃 she continued； trying to drain his cup for him； since he would not do it himself； 〃you are the last man in the world to do a woman like Amy justice。 I'm afraid you will never do justice to any woman； unless you change a good deal and learn a good deal。 Perhaps no woman will ever understand youexcept me。〃
She looked up at him now with the clearest fondness in her exquisite eyes。
With a groan he suddenly leaned over and buried his face in his hands。 His hat fell over on the grass。 Her knitting dropped to her lap； and one of her hands went out quickly toward his big head； heavy with its shaggy reddish mass of hair； which had grown long during his sickness。 But at the first touch she quickly withdrew it； and stooping over picked up his hat and put it on her knees； and sat beside him silent and motionless。
He straightened himself up a moment later； and keeping his face turned away reached for his hat and drew it down over his eyes。
〃I can't tell you！ You don't understand！〃 he said in a broken voice。
〃I understand everything。 Amy has told me…poor little Amy！ She is not wholly to blame。 I blame you more。 You may have been in love with your idea of her； but anything like that idea she never has been and never will be； and who is responsible for your idea； then； but yourself？ It is a mistake that many a man makes； and when the woman disappoints him； he blames her； and deserts her or makes her life a torment。 Of course a woman may make the same mistake； but； as a rule； women are better judges of men than men are of women。 Besides； if they find themselves mistaken； they bear their disappointment better and show it less： they alone know their tragedy； it is the unperceived that kills。〃
The first tears that he had ever seen gathered and dimmed her eyes。 She was too proud either to acknowledge them or to hide them。 Her lids fell quickly to curtain them in； and the lashes received them in their long； thick fringes。 But she had suffered herself to go too far。
〃Ah； if you had loved her！ loved her！〃 she cried with an intensity of passion； a weary； immeasurable yearning； that seemed to come from a life in death。 The strength of that cry struck him as a rushing wind strikes a young eagle on the breast； lifting him from his rock and setting him afloat on the billows of a rising storm。 His spirit mounted the spirit of her unmated confession； rode it as its master； exulted in it as his element and his home。 But the stricken man remained motionless on the bench a few feet from the woman； looking straight across the garden； with his hands clinched about his knees； his hat hiding his eyes； his jaws set sternly with the last grip of resolution。
It was some time before either spoke。 Then her voice was very quiet。
〃You found out your mistake in time； suppose it had been too late？ But this is all so sad； we will never speak of it again。 Only you ought to feel that from this time you can go on with the plans of your life uninterrupted。 Begin with all this as small defeat that means a larger victory！ There is no entanglement now； not a drawback； what a future！ It does look as though you might now have everything that you set your heart on。〃
She glanced up at him with a mournful smile； and taking the knitting which had lain forgotten in her lap leaned over again and measured the stitches upon his wrist。
〃When do you start？〃 she asked； seeing a terrible trouble gathering in his face and resolved to draw his thoughts to other things。
〃Next week。〃
The knitting fell again。
〃And you have allowed all this time to go by without coming to see us！ You are to come everyday till you go： promise！〃
He had been repeating that he would not trust himself to come at all again； except to say good…bye。
〃I can't promise that。〃
〃But we want you so much！ The major wants you； I want you more than the major。 Why should meeting Amy be so hard？ Remember how long it will be before you get back。 When will you be back？〃
He was thinking it were better never。
〃It is uncertain；〃 he said。
〃I shall begin to look for you as soon as you are gone。 I can hear your horse's feet now； rustling in the leaves of October。 But what will become of me till then？ Ah； you don't begin to realize how much you are to me！〃
〃Oh！〃
He stretched his arms out into vacancy and folded them again quickly。
〃I'd better go。〃
He stood up and walked several paces into the garden； where he feigned to be looking at the work she had left。 Was he to break down now？ Was the strength which he had relied on in so many temptations to fail him now； when his need was sorest？
In a few minutes he wheeled round to the bench and stopped full before her； no longer avoiding her eyes。 She had taken up the book which he had laid on his end of the seat and was turning the pages。
〃Have you read it？〃
〃Over and over。〃
〃Ah！ I knew I could trust you！ You never disappoint。 Sit down a little while。〃
〃I'dbetter go！〃
〃And haven't you a word？ Bring this book back to me in silence？ After all I said to you？ I want to know how you feel about itall your thoughts。〃
She looked up at him with a reproachful smile
The blood had rushed guiltily into his face； and she seeing this； without knowing what it meant； the blood rushed into hers。
〃I don't understand；〃 she said proudly and coldly； dropping her eyes and dropping her head a little forward before him； and soon becoming very pale； as from a death…wound。
He stood before her； trembling； trying to speak； trying not to speak。 Then he turned and strode rapidly away。
XVIII
THE next morning the parson was s
