a mortal antipathy-第44章

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effects　of　the　accident　passed　away。　　My　old　nurse　cared　for　me

tenderly　day　and　night；　and　my　father；　who　had　been　almost　distracted

in　the　first　hours　which　followed　the　injury；　hoped　and　believed

that　no　permanent　evil　results　would　be　found　to　result　from　it。　　My

cousin　Laura　was　of　course　deeply　distressed　to　feel　that　her

thoughtlessness　had　been　the　cause　of　so　grave　an　accident。　　As　soon

as　I　had　somewhat　recovered　she　came　to　see　me；　very　penitent；　very

anxious　to　make　me　forget　the　alarm　she　had　caused　me；　with　all　its

consequences。　　I　was　in　the　nursery　sitting　up　in　my　bed；　bandaged；

but　not　in　any　pain；　as　it　seemed；　for　I　was　quiet　and　to　all

appearance　in　a　perfectly　natural　state　of　feeling。　　As　Laura　came

near　me　I　shrieked　and　instantly　changed　color。　　I　put　my　hand　upon

my　heart　as　if　I　had　been　stabbed；　and　fell　over；　unconscious。　　It

was　very　much　the　same　state　as　that　in　which　I　was　found　immediately

after　my　fall。



The　cause　of　this　violent　and　appalling　seizure　was　but　too　obvious。

The　approach　of　the　young　girl　and　the　dread　that　she　was　about　to

lay　her　hand　upon　me　had　called　up　the　same　train　of　effects　which

the　moment　of　terror　and　pain　had　already　occasioned。　　The　old　nurse

saw　this　in　a　moment。　　〃Go！　　go！〃　she　cried　to　Laura；　〃go；　or　the

child　will　die！　　〃Her　command　did　not　have　to　be　repeated。　　After

Laura　had　gone　I　lay　senseless；　white　and　cold　as　marble；　for　some

time。　　The　doctor　soon　came；　and　by　the　use　of　smart　rubbing　and

stimulants　the　color　came　back　slowly　to　my　cheeks　and　the　arrested

circulation　was　again　set　in　motion。



It　was　hard　to　believe　that　this　was　anything　more　than　a　temporary

effect　of　the　accident。　　There　could　be　little　doubt；　it　was　thought

by　the　doctor　and　by　my　father；　that　after　a　few　days　I　should

recover　from　this　morbid　sensibility　and　receive　my　cousin　as　other

infants　receive　pleasant…looking　young　persons。　　The　old　nurse　shook

her　head。　　〃The　girl　will　be　the　death　of　the　child；〃　she　said；　〃if

she　touches　him　or　comes　near　him。　　His　heart　stopped　beating　just　as

when　the　girl　snatched　him　out　of　my　arms；　and　he　fell　over　the

balcony　railing。〃　　Once　more　the　experiment　was　tried；　cautiously；

almost　insidiously。　　The　same　alarming　consequences　followed。　　It　was

too　evident　that　a　chain　of　nervous　disturbances　had　been　set　up　in

my　system　which　repeated　itself　whenever　the　original　impression　gave

the　first　impulse。　　I　never　saw　my　cousin　Laura　after　this　last

trial。　　Its　result　had　so　distressed　her　that　she　never　ventured

again　to　show　herself　to　me。



If　the　effect　of　the　nervous　shock　had　stopped　there；　it　would　have

been　a　misfortune　for　my　cousin　and　myself；　but　hardly　a　calamity。

The　world　is　wide；　and　a　cousin　or　two　more　or　less　can　hardly　be

considered　an　essential　of　existence。　　I　often　heard　Laura's　name

mentioned；　but　never　by　any　one　who　was　acquainted　with　all　the

circumstances；　for　it　was　noticed　that　I　changed　color　and　caught　at

my　breast　as　if　I　wanted　to　grasp　my　heart　in　my　hand　whenever　that

fatal　name　was　mentioned。



Alas！　this　was　not　all。　　While　I　was　suffering　from　the　effects　of　my

fall　among　the　thorns　I　was　attended　by　my　old　nurse；　assisted　by

another　old　woman；　by　a　physician；　and　my　father；　who　would　take　his

share　in　caring　for　me。　　It　was　thought　best　to　keepme　perfectly

quiet；　and　strangers　and　friends　were　alike　excluded　from　my　nursery；

with　one　exception；　that　my　old　grandmother　came　in　now　and　then。

With　her　it　seems　that　I　was　somewhat　timid　and　shy；　following　her

with　rather　anxious　eyes；　as　if　not　quite　certain　whether　or　not　she

was　dangerous。　　But　one　day；　when　I　was　far　advanced　towards

recovery；　my　father　brought　in　a　young　lady；　a　relative　of　his；　who

had　expressed　a　great　desire　to　see　me。　　She　was；　as　I　have　been

told；　a　very　handsome　girl；　of　about　the　same　age　as　my　cousin　Laura；

but　bearing　no　personal　resemblance　to　her　in　form；　features；　or

complexion。　　She　had　no　sooner　entered　the　room　than　the　same　sudden

changes　which　had　followed　my　cousin's　visit　began　to　show

themselves；　and　before　she　had　reached　my　bedside　I　was　in　a　state　of

deadly　collapse；　as　on　the　occasions　already　mentioned。



Some　time　passed　before　any　recurrence　of　these　terrifying　seizures。

A　little　girl　of　five　or　six　years　old　was　allowed　to　come　into　the

nursery　one　day　and　bring　me　some　flowers。　　I　took　them　from　her

hand；　but　turned　away　and　shut　my　eyes。　　There　was　no　seizure；　but

there　was　a　certain　dread　and　aversion；　nothing　more　than　a　feeling

which　it　might　be　hoped　that　time　would　overcome。　　Those　around　me

were　gradually　finding　out　the　circumstances　which　brought　on　the

deadly　attack　to　which　I　was　subject。



The　daughter　of　one　of　our　near　neighbors　was　considered　the

prettiest　girl　of　the　village　where　we　were　passing　the　summer。　　She

was　very　anxious　to　see　me；　and　as　I　was　now　nearly　well　it　was

determined　that　she　should　be　permitted　to　pay　me　a　short　visit。　　I

had　always　delighted　in　seeing　her　and　being　caressed　by　her。　　I　was

sleeping　when　she　entered　the　nursery　and　came　and　took　a　seat　at　my

side　in　perfect　silence。　　Presently　I　became　restless；　and　a　moment

later　I　opened　my　eyes　and　saw　her　stooping　over　me。　　My　hand　went　to

my　left　breast；the　color　faded　from　my　cheeks；I　was　again　the

cold　marble　image　so　like　death　that　it　had　well…nigh　been　mistaken

for　it。



Could　it　be　possible　that　the　fright　which　had　chilled　my　blood　had

left　me　with　an　unconquerable　fear　of　woman　at　the　period　when　she　is

most　attractive　not　only　to　adolescents；　but　to　children　of　tender

age；　who　feel　the　fascination　of　her　flowing　locks；　her　bright　eyes；

her　blooming　cheeks；　and　that　mysterious　magnetism　of　sex　which　draws

all　life　into　its　warm　and　potently　vitalized　atmosphere？　　So　it　did

indeed　seem。　　The　dangerous　experiment　could　not　be　repeated

indefinitely。　　It　was　not　intentionally　tried　again；　but　accident

brought　about　more　than　one　renewal　of　it　during　the　following　years；

until　it　became　fully　recognized　that　I　was　the　unhappy　subject　of　a

mortal　dread　of　woman；not　absolutely　of　the　human　female；　for　I　had

no　fear　of　my　old　nurse　or　of　my　grandmother；　or　of　any　old　wrinkled

face；　and　I　had　become　accustomed　to　the　occasional　meeting　of　a

little　girl　or　two；　whom　I　nevertheless　regarded　with　a　certain　ill…

defined　feeling　that　there　was　danger　in　their　presence。　　I　was　sent

to　a　boys'　school　very　early；　and　during　the　first　ten　or　twelve

years　of　my　life　I　had　rarely　any　occasion　to　be　reminded　of　my

strange　idiosyncrasy。



As　I　grew　out　of　boyhood　into　youth；　a　change　came　over　the　feelings

which　had　so　long　held　complete　possession　of　me。　　This　was　what　my

father　and　his　advisers　had　always　anticipated；　and　was　the　ground　of

their　confident　hope　in　my　return　to　natural　conditions　before　I

should　have　grown　to　mature　manhood。



How　shall　I　describe　the　conflicts　of　those　dreamy；　bewildering；

dreadful　years？　　Visions　of　loveliness　haunted　me　sleeping　and

waking。　　Sometimes　a　graceful　girlish　figure　would　so　draw　my　eyes

towards　it　that　I　lost　sight　of　all　else；　and　was　ready　to　forget　all

my　fears　and　find　myself　at　her　side；　like　other　youths　by　the　side

of　young　maidens；happy　in　their　cheerful　companionship；　while　I；

I；　under　the　curse　of　one　blighting　moment；　looked　on；　hopeless。

Sometimes　the　glimpse　of　a　fair　face　or　the　tone　of　a　sweet　voice

stirred　within　me　all　the　instincts　that　make　the　morning　of　life

beautiful　to　adolescence。　　I　reasoned　with　myself：



Why　should　I　not　have　outgrown　that　idle　apprehension　which　had　been

the　nightmare　of　my　earlier　years？　　Why　should　not　the　rising　tide　of

life　have　drowned　out　the　feeble　growths　that　infested　the　shallows

of　childhood？　　How　many　children　there　are　who　tremble　at　being　left

alone　in　the　dark；　but　who；　a　few　years　later；　will　smile　at　their

foolish　terrors　and　brave　all　the　ghosts　of　a　ha