a mortal antipathy-第43章

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Sometimes　the　fire　may　smoulder　and　seem　as　if　it　were　going　out；　or

were　quite　extinguished；　and　again　it　will　find　some　new　material　to

seize　upon；　and　flame　up　as　fiercely　as　ever。　　Its　coming　on　most

frequently　at　the　season　when　the　brush　fires　which　are　consuming　the

dead　branches；　and　withered　leaves；　and　all　the　refuse　of　vegetation

are　sending　up　their　smoke　is　suggestive。　　Sometimes　it　seems　as　if

the　body；　relieved　of　its　effete　materials；　renewed　its　youth　after

one　of　these　quiet；　expurgating；　internal　fractional　cremations。

Lean；　pallid　students　have　found　themselves　plump　and　blooming；　and

it　has　happened　that　one　whose　hair　was　straight　as　gnat　of　an　Indian

has　been　startled　to　behold　himself　in　his　mirror　with　a　fringe　of

hyacinthine　curls　about　his　rejuvenated　countenance。



There　was　nothing　of　what　medical　men　call　malignity　in　the　case　of

Maurice　Kirkwood。　　The　most　alarming　symptom　was　a　profound

prostration；　which　at　last　reached　such　a　point　that　he　lay　utterly

helpless；　as　unable　to　move　without　aid　as　the　feeblest　of

paralytics。　　In　this　state　he　lay　for　many　days；　not　suffering　pain；

but　with　the　sense　of　great　weariness；　and　the　feeling　that　he　should

never　rise　from　his　bed　again。　　For　the　most　part　his　intellect　was

unclouded　when　his　attention　was　aroused。　　He　spoke　only　in　whispers；

a　few　words　at　a　time。　　The　doctor　felt　sure；　by　the　expression　which

passed　over　his　features　from　time　to　time；　that　something　was

worrying　and　oppressing　him；　something　which　he　wished　to

communicate；　and　had　not　the　force；　or　the　tenacity　of　purpose；　to

make　perfectly　clear。　　His　eyes　often　wandered　to　a　certain　desk；　and

once　he　had　found　strength　to　lift　his　emaciated　arm　and　point　to　it。

The　doctor　went　towards　it　as　if　to　fetch　it　to　him；　but　he　slowly

shook　his　head。　　He　had　not　the　power　to　say　at　that　time　what　he

wished。　　The　next　day　he　felt　a　little　less　prostrated；　and　succeeded

in　explaining　to　the　doctor　what　he　wanted。　　His　words；　so　far　as　the

physician　could　make　them　out；　were　these　which　follow。　　Dr。　Butts

looked　upon　them　as　possibly　expressing　wishes　which　would　be　his

last；　and　noted　them　down　carefully　immediately　after　leaving　his

chamber。



〃I　commit　the　secret　of　my　life　to　your　charge。　　My　whole　story　is

told　in　a　paper　locked　in　that　desk。　　The　key　isput　your　hand　under

my　pillow。　　If　I　die；　let　the　story　be　known。　　It　will　show　that　I

washumanand　save　my　memory　from　reproach。〃



He　was　silent　for　a　little　time。　　A　single　tear　stole　down　his　hollow

cheek。　　The　doctor　turned　his　head　away；　for　his　own　eyes　were　full。

But　he　said　to　himself；　〃It　is　a　good　sign；　I　begin　to　feel　strong

hopes　that　he　will　recover。〃



Maurice　spoke　once　more。　　〃Doctor；　I　put　full　trust　in　you。　　You　are

wise　and　kind。　　Do　what　you　will　with　this　paper；　but　open　it　at　once

and　read。　　I　want　you　to　know　the　story　of　my　life　before　it　is

finishedif　the　end　is　at　hand。　　Take　it　with　you　and　read　it　before

you　sleep。〃　　He　was　exhausted　and　presently　his　eyes　closed；　but　the

doctor　saw　a　tranquil　look　on　his　features　which　added　encouragement

to　his　hopes。









XVIII



MAURICE　KIRKWOOD'S　STORY　OF　HIS　LIFE。



I　am　an　American　by　birth；　but　a　large　part　of　my　life　has　been

passed　in　foreign　lands。　　My　father　was　a　man　of　education；　possessed

of　an　ample　fortune；　my　mother　was　considered；　a　very　accomplished

and　amiable　woman。　　I　was　their　first　and　only　child。　　She　died　while

I　was　yet　an　infant。　　If　I　remember　her　at　all　it　is　as　a　vision；

more　like　a　glimpse　of　a　pre…natal　existence　than　as　a　part　of　my

earthly　life。　　At　the　death　of　my　mother　I　was　left　in　the　charge　of

the　old　nurse　who　had　enjoyed　her　perfect　confidence。　　She　was

devoted　to　me；　and　I　became　absolutely　dependent　on　her；　who　had　for

me　all　the　love　and　all　the　care　of　a　mother。　　I　was　naturally　the

object　of　the　attentions　and　caresses　of　the　family　relatives。　　I

have　been　told　that　I　was　a　pleasant；　smiling　infant；　with　nothing　to

indicate　any　peculiar　nervous　susceptibility；　not　afraid　of

strangers；　but　on　the　contrary　ready　to　make　their　acquaintance。　　My

father　was　devoted　to　me　and　did　all　in　his　power　to　promote　my

health　and　comfort。





I　was　still　a　babe；　often　carried　in　arms；　when　the　event　happened

which　changed　my　whole　future　and　destined　me　to　a　strange　and　lonely

existence。　　I　cannot　relate　it　even　now　without　a　sense　of　terror。　　I

must　force　myself　to　recall　the　circumstances　as　told　me　and　vaguely

remembered；　for　I　am　not　willing　that　my　doomed　and　wholly

exceptional　life　should　pass　away　unrecorded；　unexplained；

unvindicated。　　My　nature　is；　I　feel　sure；　a　kind　and　social　one；　but

I　have　lived　apart；　as　if　my　heart　were　filled　with　hatred　of　my

fellow…creatures。　　If　there　are　any　readers　who　look　without　pity；

without　sympathy；　upon　those　who　shun　the　fellowship　of　their　fellow

men　and　women；　who　show　by　their　downcast　or　averted　eyes　that　they

dread　companionship　and　long　for　solitude；　I　pray　them；　if　this　paper

ever　reaches　them；　to　stop　at　this　point。　　Follow　me　no　further；　for

you　will　not　believe　my　story；　nor　enter　into　the　feelings　which　I　am

about　to　reveal。　　But　if　there　are　any　to　whom　all　that　is　human　is

of　interest；　who　have　felt　in　their　own　consciousness　some　stirrings

of　invincible　attraction　to　one　individual　and　equally　invincible

repugnance　to　another；　who　know　by　their　own　experience　that　elective

affinities　have　as　their　necessary　counterpart；　and；　as　it　were；

their　polar　opposites；　currents　not　less　strong　of　elective

repulsions；　let　them　read　with　unquestioning　faith　the　story　of　a

blighted　life　I　am　about　to　relate；　much　of　it；　of　course；　received

from　the　lips　of　others。



My　cousin　Laura；　a　girl　of　seventeen；　lately　returned　from　Europe；

was　considered　eminently　beautiful。　　It　was　in　my　second　summer　that

she　visited　my　father's　house；　where　he　was　living　with　his　servants

and　my　old　nurse；　my　mother　having　but　recently　left　him　a　widower。

Laura　was　full　of　vivacity；　impulsive；　quick　in　her　movements；

thoughtless　occasionally；　as　it　is　not　strange　that　a　young　girl　of

her　age　should　be。　　It　was　a　beautiful　summer　day　when　she　saw　me　for

the　first　time。　　My　nurse　had　me　in　her　arms；　walking　back　and

forward　on　a　balcony　with　a　low　railing；　upon　which　opened　the

windows　of　the　second　story　of　my　father's　house。　　While　the　nurse

was　thus　carrying　me；　Laura　came　suddenly　upon　the　balcony。　　She　no

sooner　saw　me　than　with　all　the　delighted　eagerness　of　her　youthful

nature　she　rushed　toward　me；　and；　catching　me　from　the　nurse's　arms；

began　tossing　me　after　the　fashion　of　young　girls　who　have　been　so

lately　playing　with　dolls　that　they　feel　as　if　babies　were　very　much

of　the　same　nature。　　The　abrupt　seizure　frightened　me；　I　sprang　from

her　arms　in　my　terror；　and　fell　over　the　railing　of　the　balcony。　　I

should　probably　enough　have　been　killed　on　the　spot　but　for　the　fact

that　a　low　thorn…bush　grew　just　beneath　the　balcony；　into　which　I

fell　and　thus　had　the　violence　of　the　shock　broken。　　But　the　thorns

tore　my　tender　flesh；　and　I　bear　to　this　day　marks　of　the　deep　wounds

they　inflicted。



That　dreadful　experience　is　burned　deep　into　my　memory。　　The　sudden

apparition　of　the　girl；　the　sense　of　being　torn　away　from　the

protecting　arms　around　me；　the　frantic　effort　to　escape；　the　shriek

that　accompanied　my　fall　through　what　must　have　seemed　unmeasurable

space；　the　cruel　lacerations　of　the　piercing　and　rending　thorns；all

these　fearful　impressions　blended　in　one　paralyzing　terror。



When　I　was　taken　up　I　was　thought　to　be　dead。　　I　was　perfectly　white；

and　the　physician　who　first　saw　me　said　that　no　pulse　was

perceptible。　　But　after　a　time　consciousness　returned；　the　wounds；

though　painful；　were　none　of　them　dangerous；　and　the　most　alarming

effects　of　the　accident　passed　away。　　My　old　nurse　cared　for　me

tenderly　day　and　night；　and　m