the american claimant-第28章

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fabricating　it。　　The　pirates　were　delighted；　the　customers　applauded；　the
sex　began　to　flock　in；　great　was　the　prosperity　of　the　firm。　　Tracy　was
obliged　to　confess　to　himself　that　there　was　something　about　work；even
such　grotesque　and　humble　work　as　thiswhich　most　pleasantly　satisfied　a
something　in　his　nature　which　had　never　been　satisfied　before；　and　also
gave　him　a　strange　new　dignity　in　his　own　private　view　of　himself。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

The　Unqualified　Member　from　Cherokee　Strip　was　in　a　state　of　deep
dejection。　　For　a　good　while；　now；　he　had　been　leading　a　sort　of　life
which　was　calculated　to　kill；　for　it　had　consisted　in　regularly
alternating　days　of　brilliant　hope　and　black　disappointment。　　The
brilliant　hopes　were　created　by　the　magician　Sellers；　and　they　always
promised　that　now　he　had　got　the　trick；　sure；　and　would　effectively
influence　that　materialized　cowboy　to　call　at　the　Towers　before　night。
The　black　disappointments　consisted　in　the　persistent　and　monotonous
failure　of　these　prophecies。

At　the　date　which　this　history　has　now　reached；　Sellers　was　appalled　to
find　that　the　usual　remedy　was　inoperative；　and　that　Hawkins's　low
spirits　refused　absolutely　to　lift。　　Something　must　be　done；　he
reflected；　it　was　heart…breaking；　this　woe；　this　smileless　misery；
this　dull　despair　that　looked　out　from　his　poor　friend's　face。　　Yes；　he
must　be　cheered　up。　　He　mused　a　while；　then　he　saw　his　way。　　He　said　in
his　most　conspicuously　casual　vein：

〃Eruhby　the　way；　Hawkins；　we　are　feeling　disappointed　about　this
thingthe　way　the　materializee　is　acting；　I　meanwe　are　disappointed；
you　concede　that？〃

〃Concede　it？　　Why；　yes；　if　you　like　the　term。〃

〃Very　well；　so　far；　so　good。　　Now　for　the　basis　of　the　feeling。　　It　is
not　that　your　heart；　your　affections　are　concerned；　that　is　to　say；　it　is
not　that　you　want　the　materializee　Itself。　　You　concede　that？〃

〃Yes；　I　concede　that；　toocordially。〃

〃Very　well；　again；　we　are　making　progress。　　To　sum　up：　The　feeling；　it　is
conceded；　is　not　engendered　by　the　mere　conduct　of　the　materializee；　it
is　conceded　that　it　does　not　arise　from　any　pang　which　the　personality　of
the　materializee　could　assuage。　　Now　then；　〃said　the　earl；　with　the　light
of　triumph　in　his　eye；　〃the　inexorable　logic　of　the　situation　narrows　us
down　to　this：　our　feeling　has　its　source　in　the　money…loss　involved。
Comeisn't　that　so？〃

〃Goodness　knows　I　concede　that；　with　all　my　heart。〃

〃Very　well。　　When　you've　found　out　the　source　of　a　disease；　you've　also
found　out　what　remedy　is　requiredjust　as　in　this　case。　　In　this　case
money　is　required。　　And　only　money。〃

The　old；　old　seduction　was　in　that　airy；　confident　tone　and　those
significant　wordsusually　called　pregnant　words　in　books。　　The　old
answering　signs　of　faith　and　hope　showed　up　in　Hawkins's　countenance；
and　he　said：

〃Only　money？　　Do　you　mean　that　you　know　a　way　to〃

〃Washington；　have　you　the　impression　that　I　have　no　resources　but　those
I　allow　the　public　and　my　intimate　friends　to　know　about？〃

〃Well；　Ier〃

〃Is　it　likely；　do　you　think；　that　a　man　moved　by　nature　and　taught　by
experience　to　keep　his　affairs　to　himself　and　a　cautious　and　reluctant
tongue　in　his　head；　wouldn't　be　thoughtful　enough　to　keep　a　few　resources
in　reserve　for　a　rainy　day；　when　he's　got　as　many　as　I　have　to　select
from？〃

〃Oh；　you　make　me　feel　so　much　better　already；　Colonel！〃

〃Have　you　ever　been　in　my　laboratory？〃

〃Why；　no。〃

〃That's　it。　　You　see　you　didn't　even　know　that　I　had　one。　　Come　along。
I've　got　a　little　trick　there　that　I　want　to　show　you。　　I've　kept　it
perfectly　quiet；　not　fifty　people　know　anything　about　it。　　But　that's　my
way；　always　been　my　way。　　Wait　till　you're　ready；　that's　the　idea；　and
when　you're　ready；　zzip！let　her　go！〃

〃Well；　Colonel；　I've　never　seen　a　man　that　I've　had　such　unbounded
confidence　in　as　you。　　When　you　say　a　thing　right　out；　I　always　feel　as
if　that　ends　it；　as　if　that　is　evidence；　and　proof；　and　everything　else。〃

The　old　earl　was　profoundly　pleased　and　touched。

〃I'm　glad　you　believe　in　me；　Washington；　not　everybody　is　so　just。〃

〃I　always　have　believed　in　you；　and　I　always　shall　as　long　as　I　live。〃

〃Thank　you；　my　boy。　　You　shan't　repent　it。　　And　you　can't。〃　　Arrived　in
the　〃　laboratory；〃　the　earl　continued；　〃Now；　cast　your　eye　around　this
roomwhat　do　you　see？　　Apparently　a　junk…shop；　apparently　a　hospital
connected　with　a　patent　officein　reality；　the　mines　of　Golconda　in
disguise！　　Look　at　that　thing　there。　　Now　what　would　you　take　that　thing
to　be？〃

〃I　don't　believe　I　could　ever　imagine。〃

〃Of　course　you　couldn't。　　It's　my　grand　adaptation　of　the　phonograph　to
the　marine　service。　　You　store　up　profanity　in　it　for　use　at　sea。
You　know　that　sailors　don't　fly　around　worth　a　cent　unless　you　swear
at　themso　the　mate　that　can　do　the　best　job　of　swearing　is　the　most
valuable　man。　　In　great　emergencies　his　talent　saves　the　ship。　　But　a
ship　is　a　large　thing；　and　he　can't　be　everywhere　at　once；　so　there　have
been　times　when　one　mate　has　lost　a　ship　which　could　have　been　saved　if
they　had　had　a　hundred。　　Prodigious　storms；　you　know。　　Well；　a　ship　can't
afford　a　hundred　mates；　but　she　can　afford　a　hundred　Cursing　Phonographs；
and　distribute　them　all　over　the　vesseland　there；　you　see；　she's　armed
at　every　point。　　Imagine　a　big　storm；　and　a　hundred　of　my　machines　all
cursing　away　at　oncesplendid　spectacle；　splendid！you　couldn't　hear
yourself　think。　　Ship　goes　through　that　storm　perfectly　sereneshe's
just　as　safe　as　she'd　be　on　shore。〃

〃It's　a　wonderful　idea。　　How　do　you　prepare　the　thing？〃

〃Load　it…simply　load　it。〃

〃How？〃

〃Why　you　just　stand　over　it　and　swear　into　it。〃

〃That　loads　it；　does　it？〃

〃Yesbecause　every　word　it　collars；　it　keepskeeps　it　forever。　　Never
wears　out。　　Any　time　you　turn　the　crank；　out　it'll　come。　　In　times　of
great　peril；　you　can　reverse　it；　and　it'll　swear　backwards。　　That　makes　a
sailor　hump　himself！〃

〃O；　I　see。　　Who　loads　them？the　mate？〃

〃Yes；　if　he　chooses。　　Or　I'll　furnish　them　already　loaded。　　I　can　hire　an
expert　for　75　a　month　who　will　load　a　hundred　and　fifty　phonographs　in
150　hours；　and　do　it　easy。　　And　an　expert　can　furnish　a　stronger　article；
of　course；　than　the　mere　average　uncultivated　mate　could。　　Then　you　see；
all　the　ships　of　the　world　will　buy　them　ready　loadedfor　I　shall　have
them　loaded　in　any　language　a　customer　wants。　　Hawkins；　it　will　work　the
grandest　moral　reform　of　the　19th　century。　　Five　years　from　now；　all　the
swearing　will　be　done　by　machineryyou　won't　ever　hear　a　profane　word
come　from　human　lips　on　a　ship。　　Millions　of　dollars　have　been　spent　by
the　churches；　in　the　effort　to　abolish　profanity　in　the　commercial
marine。　　Think　of　itmy　name　will　live　forever　in　the　affections　of　good
men　as　the　man；　who；　solitary　and　alone；　accomplished　this　noble　and
elevating　reform。〃

〃O；　it　is　grand　and　beneficent　and　beautiful。　　How　did　you　ever　come　to
think　of　it？　　You　have　a　wonderful　mind。　　How　did　you　say　you　loaded　the
machine？〃

〃O；　it's　no　trouble…perfectly　simple。　　If　you　want　to　load　it　up　loud　and
strong；　you　stand　right　over　it　and　shout。　　But　if　you　leave　it　open　and
all　set；　it'll　eavesdrop；　so　to　speakthat　is　to　say；　it　will　load
itself　up　with　any　sounds　that　are　made　within　six　feet　of　it。　　Now　I'll
show　you　how　it　works。　　I　had　an　expert　come　and　load　this　one　up
yesterday。　　Hello；　it's　been　left　openit's　too　badstill　I　reckon　it
hasn't　had　much　chance　to　collect　irrelevant　stuff。　　All　you　do　is　to
press　this　button　in　the　floorso。〃

The　phonograph　began　to　sing　in　a　plaintive　voice：

　　　　　　　　　　There　is　a　boarding…house；　far　far　away；
　　　　　　　　　　Where　they　have　ham　and　eggs；　3　times　a　day。

〃Hang　it；　that　ain't　it。　　Somebody's　been　singing　around　here。〃

The　plaintive　song　began　again；　mingled　with　a　low；　gradually　rising　wail
of　cats　slowly　warming　up　toward　a　fight；

　　　　　　　　　　O；　how　the　boarders　yell；
　　　　　　　　　　When　they　hear　that　dinner　bell
　　　　　　　　　　They　give　that　landlord

（momentary　outburst　of　terrific　catfight　which　drowns　out　one　word。）

　　　　　　　　　　Three　times　a　day。

（Renewal　of　furious　catfigh