character-第75章

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gaiety　and　brilliancy；　and　for　a　gentle　tenderness　of　disposition

in　preference　to　an　impassioned　nature。　　Lively　talents　are　too

stimulating　in　a　tired　man's　housepassion　is　too　disturbing。。。。



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Her　love　should　be

　　　　　　A　love　that　clings　not；　nor　is　exigent；

　　　　　　Encumbers　not　the　active　purposes；

　　　　　　Nor　drains　their　source；　but　profers　with　free　grace

　　　　　　Pleasure　at　pleasure　touched；　at　pleasure　waived；

　　　　　　A　washing　of　the　weary　traveller's　feet；

　　　　　　A　quenching　of　his　thirst；　a　sweet　repose；

　　　　　　Alternate　and　preparative；　in　groves

　　　　　　Where；　loving　much　the　flower　that　loves　the　shade；

　　　　　　And　loving　much　the　shade　that　that　flower　loves；

　　　　　　He　yet　is　unbewildered；　unenslaved；

　　　　　　Thence　starting　light；　and　pleasantly　let　go

　　　　　　When　serious　service　calls。　（8）



Some　persons　are　disappointed　in　marriage；　because　they　expect　too

much　from　it；　but　many　more；　because　they　do　not　bring　into　the

co…partnership　their　fair　share　of　cheerfulness；　kindliness；

forbearance；　and　common　sense。　　Their　imagination　has　perhaps

pictured　a　condition　never　experienced　on　this　side　Heaven；　and

when　real　life　comes；　with　its　troubles　and　cares；　there　is　a

sudden　waking…up　as　from　a　dream。　　Or　they　look　for　something

approaching　perfection　in　their　chosen　companion；　and　discover　by

experience　that　the　fairest　of　characters　have　their　weaknesses。

Yet　it　is　often　the　very　imperfection　of　human　nature；　rather　than

its　perfection；　that　makes　the　strongest　claims　on　the　forbearance

and　sympathy　of　others；　and；　in　affectionate　and　sensible　natures；

tends　to　produce　the　closest　unions。



The　golden　rule　of　married　life　is；　〃Bear　and　forbear。〃　　Marriage；

like　government；　is　a　series　of　compromises。　　One　must　give　and

take；　refrain　and　restrain；　endure　and　be　patient。　　One　may　not　be

blind　to　another's　failings；　but　they　may　be　borne　with　good…

natured　forbearance。　　Of　all　qualities；　good　temper　is　the　one

that　wears　and　works　the　best　in　married　life。　　Conjoined　with

self…control；　it　gives　patiencethe　patience　to　bear　and

forbear；　to　listen　without　retort；　to　refrain　until　the　angry

flash　has　passed。　　How　true　it　is　in　marriage；　that　〃the　soft

answer　turneth　away　wrath！〃



Burns　the　poet；　in　speaking　of　the　qualities　of　a　good　wife；

divided　them　into　ten　parts。　　Four　of　these　he　gave　to　good

temper；　two　to　good　sense；　one　to　wit；　one　to　beautysuch　as　a

sweet　face；　eloquent　eyes；　a　fine　person；　a　graceful　carriage；　and

the　other　two　parts　he　divided　amongst　the　other　qualities

belonging　to　or　attending　on　a　wifesuch　as　fortune；

connections；　education　（that　is；　of　a　higher　standard　than

ordinary）；　family　blood；　&c。；　but　he　said：　〃Divide　those　two

degrees　as　you　please；　only　remember　that　all　these　minor

proportions　must　be　expressed　by　fractions；　for　there　is　not　any

one　of　them　that　is　entitled　to　the　dignity　of　an　integer。〃



It　has　been　said　that　girls　are　very　good　at　making　nets；　but

that　it　would　be　better　still　if　they　would　learn　to　make　cages。

Men　are　often　as　easily　caught　as　birds；　but　as　difficult　to　keep。

If　the　wife　cannot　make　her　home　bright　and　happy；　so　that　it

shall　be　the　cleanest；　sweetest；　cheerfulest　place　that　her

husband　can　find　refuge　ina　retreat　from　the　toils　and

troubles　of　the　outer　worldthen　God　help　the　poor　man；

for　he　is　virtually　homeless！



No　wise　person　will　marry　for　beauty　mainly。　　It　may　exercise　a

powerful　attraction　in　the　first　place；　but　it　is　found　to　be　of

comparatively　little　consequence　afterwards。　　Not　that　beauty　of

person　is　to　be　underestimated；　for；　other　things　being　equal；

handsomeness　of　form　and　beauty　of　features　are　the　outward

manifestations　of　health。　　But　to　marry　a　handsome　figure　without

character；　fine　features　unbeautified　by　sentiment　or　good…nature；

is　the　most　deplorable　of　mistakes。　　As　even　the　finest　landscape；

seen　daily；　becomes　monotonous；　so　does　the　most　beautiful　face；

unless　a　beautiful　nature　shines　through　it。　　The　beauty　of　to…day

becomes　commonplace　to…morrow；　whereas　goodness；　displayed　through

the　most　ordinary　features；　is　perennially　lovely。　　Moreover；　this

kind　of　beauty　improves　with　age；　and　time　ripens　rather　than

destroys　it。　　After　the　first　year；　married　people　rarely　think　of

each　other's　features；　and　whether　they　be　classically　beautiful

or　otherwise。　　But　they　never　fail　to　be　cognisant　of　each　other's

temper。　　〃When　I　see　a　man；〃　says　Addison；　〃with　a　sour　rivelled

face；　I　cannot　forbear　pitying　his　wife；　and　when　I　meet　with　an

open　ingenuous　countenance；　I　think　of　the　happiness　of　his

friends；　his　family；　and　his　relations。〃



We　have　given　the　views　of　the　poet　Burns　as　to　the　qualities

necessary　in　a　good　wife。　　Let　us　add　the　advice　given　by　Lord

Burleigh　to　his　son；　embodying　the　experience　of　a　wise　statesman

and　practised　man　of　the　world。　　〃When　it　shall　please　God；〃　said

he；　〃to　bring　thee　to　man's　estate；　use　great　providence　and

circumspection　in　choosing　thy　wife；　for　from　thence　will　spring

all　thy　future　good　or　evil。　　And　it　is　an　action　of　thy　life；

like　unto　a　stratagem　of　war；　wherein　a　man　can　err　but　once。。。。

Enquire　diligently　of　her　disposition；　and　how　her　parents　have

been　inclined　in　their　youth。　（9）　　Let　her　not　be　poor；　how

generous　（well…born）　soever；　for　a　man　can　buy　nothing　in　the

market　with　gentility。　　Nor　choose　a　base　and　uncomely　creature

altogether　for　wealth；　for　it　will　cause　contempt　in　others；　and

loathing　in　thee。　　Neither　make　choice　of　a　dwarf；　or　a　fool；　for

by　the　one　thou　shalt　beget　a　race　of　pigmies；　while　the　other

will　be　thy　continual　disgrace；　and　it　will　yirke　（irk）　thee　to

hear　her　talk。　　For　thou　shalt　find　it　to　thy　great　grief；　that

there　is　nothing　more　fulsome　（disgusting）　than　a　she…fool。〃



A　man's　moral　character　is；　necessarily；　powerfully　influenced　by

his　wife。　　A　lower　nature　will　drag　him　down；　as　a　higher　will

lift　him　up。　　The　former　will　deaden　his　sympathies；　dissipate　his

energies；　and　distort　his　life；　while　the　latter；　by　satisfying

his　affections；　will　strengthen　his　moral　nature；　and　by　giving

him　repose；　tend　to　energise　his　intellect。　　Not　only　so；　but　a

woman　of　high　principles　will　insensibly　elevate　the　aims　and

purposes　of　her　husband；　as　one　of　low　principles　will

unconsciously　degrade　them。　　De　Tocqueville　was　profoundly

impressed　by　this　truth。　　He　entertained　the　opinion　that　man

could　have　no　such　mainstay　in　life　as　the　companionship　of　a　wife

of　good　temper　and　high　principle。　　He　says　that　in　the　course　of

his　life；　he　had　seen　even　weak　men　display　real　public　virtue；

because　they　had　by　their　side　a　woman　of　noble　character；　who

sustained　them　in　their　career；　and　exercised　a　fortifying

influence　on　their　views　of　public　duty；　whilst；　on　the　contrary；

he　had　still　oftener　seen　men　of　great　and　generous　instincts

transformed　into　vulgar　self…seekers；　by　contact　with　women　of

narrow　natures；　devoted　to　an　imbecile　love　of　pleasure；　and　from

whose　minds　the　grand　motive　of　Duty　was　altogether　absent。



De　Tocqueville　himself　had　the　good　fortune　to　be　blessed　with　an

admirable　wife：　（10）　and　in　his　letters　to　his　intimate　friends；　he

spoke　most　gratefully　of　the　comfort　and　support　he　derived　from

her　sustaining　courage；　her　equanimity　of　temper；　and　her　nobility

of　character。　　The　more；　indeed；　that　De　Tocqueville　saw　of　the

world　and　of　practical　life；　the　more　convinced　he　became　of　the

necessity　of　healthy　domestic　conditions　for　a　man's　growth　in

virtue　and　goodness。　（11）　　Especially　did　he　regard　marriage　as　of

inestimable　importance　in　regard　to　a　man's　true　happiness；　and　he

was　accustomed　to　speak　of　his　own　as　the　wisest　action　of　his

life。　　〃Many　external　circumstances　of　happiness；〃　he　said；　〃have

been　granted　to　me。　　But　more　than　all；　I　have　to　thank　Heaven　for

having　bestowed　on　me　true　domestic　happiness；　the