sartor resartus-第33章

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　in　the　world；　of　God's　light　I　was　not　utterly　bereft；　if　my　as　yet　sealed　eyes；　with　their　unspeakable　longing；　could　nowhere　see　Him；　nevertheless　in　my　heart　He　was　present；　and　His　heaven…written　Law　still　stood　legible　and　sacred　there。〃

Meanwhile；　under　all　these　tribulations；　and　temporal　and　spiritual　destitutions；　what　must　the　Wanderer；　in　his　silent　soul；　have　endured！　〃The　painfullest　feeling；〃　writes　he；　〃is　that　of　your　own　Feebleness　（_Unkraft_）；　ever；　as　the　English　Milton　says；　to　be　weak　is　the　true　misery。　　And　yet　of　your　Strength　there　is　and　can　be　no　clear　feeling；　save　by　what　you　have　prospered　in；　by　what　you　have　done。　　Between　vague　wavering　Capability　and　fixed　indubitable　Performance；　what　a　difference！　A　certain　inarticulate　Self…consciousness　dwells　dimly　in　us；　which　only　our　Works　can　render　articulate　and　decisively　discernible。　　Our　Works　are　the　mirror　wherein　the　spirit　first　sees　its　natural　lineaments。　　Hence；　too；　the　folly　of　that　impossible　Precept；　_Know　thyself_；　till　it　be　translated　into　this　partially　possible　one；　_Know　what　thou　canst　work　at_。

〃But　for　me；　so　strangely　unprosperous　had　I　been；　the　net…result　of　my　Workings　amounted　as　yet　simply　toNothing。　　How　then　could　I　believe　in　my　Strength；　when　there　was　as　yet　no　mirror　to　see　it　in？　　Ever　did　this　agitating；　yet；　as　I　now　perceive；　quite　frivolous　question；　remain　to　me　insoluble：　　Hast　thou　a　certain　Faculty；　a　certain　Worth；　such　even　as　the　most　have　not；　or　art　thou　the　completest　Dullard　of　these　modern　times？　Alas；　the　fearful　Unbelief　is　unbelief　in　yourself；　and　how　could　I　believe？　　Had　not　my　first；　last　Faith　in　myself；　when　even　to　me　the　Heavens　seemed　laid　open；　and　I　dared　to　love；　been　all　too　cruelly　belied？　The　speculative　Mystery　of　Life　grew　ever　more　mysterious　to　me：　　neither　in　the　practical　Mystery　had　I　made　the　slightest　progress；　but　been　everywhere　buffeted；　foiled；　and　contemptuously　cast　out。　　A　feeble　unit　in　the　middle　of　a　threatening　Infinitude；　I　seemed　to　have　nothing　given　me　but　eyes；　whereby　to　discern　my　own　wretchedness。　　Invisible　yet　impenetrable　walls；　as　of　Enchantment；　divided　me　from　all　living：　　was　there；　in　the　wide　world；　any　true　bosom　I　could　press　trustfully　to　mine？　O　Heaven；　No；　there　was　none！　　I　kept　a　lock　upon　my　lips：　　why　should　I　speak　much　with　that　shifting　variety　of　so…called　Friends；　in　whose　withered；　vain　and　too…hungry　souls　Friendship　was　but　an　incredible　tradition？　　In　such　cases；　your　resource　is　to　talk　little；　and　that　little　mostly　from　the　Newspapers。　　Now　when　I　look　back；　it　was　a　strange　isolation　I　then　lived　in。　　The　men　and　women　around　me；　even　speaking　with　me；　were　but　Figures；　I　had；　practically；　forgotten　that　they　were　alive；　that　they　were　not　merely　automatic。　　In　the　midst　of　their　crowded　streets　and　assemblages；　I　walked　solitary；　and　（except　as　it　was　my　own　heart；　not　another's；　that　I　kept　devouring）　savage　also；　as　the　tiger　in　his　jungle。　Some　comfort　it　would　have　been；　could　I；　like　a　Faust；　have　fancied　myself　tempted　and　tormented　of　the　Devil；　for　a　Hell；　as　I　imagine；　without　Life；　though　only　diabolic　Life；　were　more　frightful：　　but　in　our　age　of　Down…pulling　and　Disbelief；　the　very　Devil　has　been　pulled　down；　you　cannot　so　much　as　believe　in　a　Devil。　　To　me　the　Universe　was　all　void　of　Life；　of　Purpose；　of　Volition；　even　of　Hostility：　　it　was　one　huge；　dead；　immeasurable　Steam…engine；　rolling　on；　in　its　dead　indifference；　to　grind　me　limb　from　limb。　　Oh；　the　vast；　gloomy；　solitary　Golgotha；　and　Mill　of　Death！　　Why　was　the　Living　banished　thither　companionless；　conscious？　　Why；　if　there　is　no　Devil；　nay；　unless　the　Devil　is　your　God？〃

A　prey　incessantly　to　such　corrosions；　might　not；　moreover；　as　the　worst　aggravation　to　them；　the　iron　constitution　even　of　a　Teufelsdrockh　threaten　to　fail？　　We　conjecture　that　he　has　known　sickness；　and；　in　spite　of　his　locomotive　habits；　perhaps　sickness　of　the　chronic　sort。　　Hear　this；　for　example：　　〃How　beautiful　to　die　of　broken…heart；　on　Paper！　　Quite　another　thing　in　practice；　every　window　of　your　Feeling；　even　of　your　Intellect；　as　it　were；　begrimed　and　mud…bespattered；　so　that　no　pure　ray　can　enter；　a　whole　Drug…shop　in　your　inwards；　the　fordone　soul　drowning　slowly　in　quagmires　of　Disgust！〃

Putting　all　which　external　and　internal　miseries　together；　may　we　not　find　in　the　following　sentences；　quite　in　our　Professor's　still　vein；　significance　enough？　　〃From　Suicide　a　certain　after…shine　（_Nachschein_）　of　Christianity　withheld　me：　　perhaps　also　a　certain　indolence　of　character；　for；　was　not　that　a　remedy　I　had　at　any　time　within　reach？　　Often；　however；　was　there　a　question　present　to　me：　　Should　some　one　now；　at　the　turning　of　that　corner；　blow　thee　suddenly　out　of　Space；　into　the　other　World；　or　other　No…world；　by　pistol…shot；how　were　it？　　On　which　ground；　too；　I　have　often；　in　sea…storms　and　sieged　cities　and　other　death…scenes；　exhibited　an　imperturbability；　which　passed；　falsely　enough；　for　courage。〃

〃So　had　it　lasted；〃　concludes　the　Wanderer；　〃so　had　it　lasted；　as　in　bitter　protracted　Death…agony；　through　long　years。　　The　heart　within　me；　unvisited　by　any　heavenly　dew…drop；　was　smouldering　in　sulphurous；　slow…consuming　fire。　　Almost　since　earliest　memory　I　had　shed　no　tear；　or　once　only　when　I；　murmuring　half…audibly；　recited　Faust's　Death…song；　that　wild　_Selig　der　den　er　im　Siegesglanze　findet_　（Happy　whom　_he_　finds　in　Battle's　splendor）；　and　thought　that　of　this　last　Friend　even　I　was　not　forsaken；　that　Destiny　itself　could　not　doom　me　not　to　die。　　Having　no　hope；　neither　had　I　any　definite　fear；　were　it　of　Man　or　of　Devil：　　nay；　I　often　felt　as　if　it　might　be　solacing；　could　the　Arch…Devil　himself；　though　in　Tartarean　terrors；　but　rise　to　me；　that　I　might　tell　him　a　little　of　my　mind。　　And　yet；　strangely　enough；　I　lived　in　a　continual；　indefinite；　pining　fear；　tremulous；　pusillanimous；　apprehensive　of　I　knew　not　what：　　it　seemed　as　if　all　things　in　the　Heavens　above　and　the　Earth　beneath　would　hurt　me；　as　if　the　Heavens　and　the　Earth　were　but　boundless　jaws　of　a　devouring　monster；　wherein　I；　palpitating；　waited　to　be　devoured。

〃Full　of　such　humor；　and　perhaps　the　miserablest　man　in　the　whole　French　Capital　or　Suburbs；　was　I；　one　sultry　Dog…　day；　after　much　perambulation；　toiling　along　the　dirty　little　_Rue　Saint…Thomas　de　l'Enfer_；　among　civic　rubbish　enough；　in　a　close　atmosphere；　and　over　pavements　hot　as　Nebuchadnezzar's　Furnace；　whereby　doubtless　my　spirits　were　little　cheered；　when；　all　at　once；　there　rose　a　Thought　in　me；　and　I　asked　myself：　　'What　_art_　thou　afraid　of？　　Wherefore；　like　a　coward；　dost　thou　forever　pip　and　whimper；　and　go　cowering　and　trembling？　　Despicable　biped！　what　is　the　sum…total　of　the　worst　that　lies　before　thee？　　Death？　　Well；　Death；　and　say　the　pangs　of　Tophet　too；　and　all　that　the　Devil　and　Man　may；　will　or　can　do　against　thee！　　Hast　thou　not　a　heart；　canst　thou　not　suffer　whatsoever　it　be；　and；　as　a　Child　of　Freedom；　though　outcast；　trample　Tophet　itself　under　thy　feet；　while　it　consumes　thee？　　Let　it　come；　then；　I　will　meet　it　and　defy　it！'　　And　as　I　so　thought；　there　rushed　like　a　stream　of　fire　over　my　whole　soul；　and　I　shook　base　Fear　away　from　me　forever。　　I　was　strong；　of　unknown　strength；　a　spirit；　almost　a　god。　　Ever　from　that　time；　the　temper　of　my　misery　was　changed：　　not　Fear　or　whining　Sorrow　was　it；　but　Indignation　and　grim　fire…eyed　Defiance。

〃Thus　had　the　EVERLASTING　NO　（_das　ewige　Nein_）　pealed　authoritatively　through　all　the　recesses　of　my　Being；　of　my　ME；　and　then　was　it　that　my　whole　ME　stood　up；　in　native　God…created　majesty；　and　with　emphasis　recorded　its　Protest。　　Such　a　Protest；　the　most　important　transaction　in　Life；　may　that　same　Indignation　and　Defiance；　in　a　psychological　point　of　view；　be　fitly　called。　　The　Everlasting　No　had　said：　　'Behold；　thou　art　fatherless；　outcast；　and　the　Universe　is　mine　（the　Devil's）；'　to　which　my　whole　Me　now　made　answer：　　'_I_　am　not　thine；　but　Free；　and　forever　hate　thee！'

〃It　is　from　this　hour　that　I　incline　to　date　my　Spiritual　New…birth；　or　Baphometic　Fire…baptism；　perhaps　I　directly　thereupon　began　to　be　a　Man。〃


CHAPTER　VIII。　CENTRE　OF　INDIFFERENCE