heartbreak house-第29章

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man　under　your　pose　is　apparently　Ellie's　favorite；　Othello。

RANDALL。　Some　of　your　games　in　this　house　are　damned　annoying；
let　me　tell　you。

HECTOR。　Yes：　I　have　been　their　victim　for　many　years。　I　used　to
writhe　under　them　at　first；　but　I　became　accustomed　to　them。　At
last　I　learned　to　play　them。

RANDALL。　If　it's　all　the　same　to　you　I　had　rather　you　didn't　play
them　on　me。　You　evidently　don't　quite　understand　my　character；　or
my　notions　of　good　form。

HECTOR。　Is　it　your　notion　of　good　form　to　give　away　Lady
Utterword？

RANDALL　＇a　childishly　plaintive　note　breaking　into　his　huff＇。　I
have　not　said　a　word　against　Lady　Utterword。　This　is　just　the
conspiracy　over　again。

HECTOR。　What　conspiracy？

RANDALL。　You　know　very　well；　sir。　A　conspiracy　to　make　me　out　to
be　pettish　and　jealous　and　childish　and　everything　I　am　not。
Everyone　knows　I　am　just　the　opposite。

HECTOR　＇rising＇。　Something　in　the　air　of　the　house　has　upset　you。
It　often　does　have　that　effect。　＇He　goes　to　the　garden　door　and
calls　Lady　Utterword　with　commanding　emphasis＇。　Ariadne！

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇at　some　distance＇。　Yes。

RANDALL。　What　are　you　calling　her　for？　I　want　to　speak

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇arriving　breathless＇。　Yes。　You　really　are　a
terribly　commanding　person。　What's　the　matter？

HECTOR。　I　do　not　know　how　to　manage　your　friend　Randall。　No　doubt
you　do。

LADY　UTTERWORD。　Randall：　have　you　been　making　yourself
ridiculous；　as　usual？　I　can　see　it　in　your　face。　Really；　you　are
the　most　pettish　creature。

RANDALL。　You　know　quite　well；　Ariadne；　that　I　have　not　an　ounce
of　pettishness　in　my　disposition。　I　have　made　myself　perfectly
pleasant　here。　I　have　remained　absolutely　cool　and　imperturbable
in　the　face　of　a　burglar。　Imperturbability　is　almost　too　strong　a
point　of　mine。　But　＇putting　his　foot　down　with　a　stamp；　and
walking　angrily　up　and　down　the　room＇　I　insist　on　being　treated
with　a　certain　consideration。　I　will　not　allow　Hushabye　to　take
liberties　with　me。　I　will　not　stand　your　encouraging　people　as
you　do。

HECTOR。　The　man　has　a　rooted　delusion　that　he　is　your　husband。

LADY　UTTERWORD。　I　know。　He　is　jealous。　As　if　he　had　any　right　to
be！　He　compromises　me　everywhere。　He　makes　scenes　all　over　the
place。　Randall：　I　will　not　allow　it。　I　simply　will　not　allow　it。
You　had　no　right　to　discuss　me　with　Hector。　I　will　not　be
discussed　by　men。

HECTOR。　Be　reasonable；　Ariadne。　Your　fatal　gift　of　beauty　forces
men　to　discuss　you。

LADY　UTTERWORD。　Oh　indeed！　what　about　YOUR　fatal　gift　of　beauty？

HECTOR。　How　can　I　help　it？

LADY　UTTERWORD。　You　could　cut　off　your　moustache：　I　can't　cut　off
my　nose。　I　get　my　whole　life　messed　up　with　people　falling　in
love　with　me。　And　then　Randall　says　I　run　after　men。

RANDALL。　I

LADY　UTTERWORD。　Yes　you　do：　you　said　it　just　now。　Why　can't　you
think　of　something　else　than　women？　Napoleon　was　quite　right　when
he　said　that　women　are　the　occupation　of　the　idle　man。　Well；　if
ever　there　was　an　idle　man　on　earth；　his　name　is　Randall
Utterword。

RANDALL。　Ariad

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇overwhelming　him　with　a　torrent　of　words＇。　Oh　yes
you　are：　it's　no　use　denying　it。　What　have　you　ever　done？　What
good　are　you？　You　are　as　much　trouble　in　the　house　as　a　child　of
three。　You　couldn't　live　without　your　valet。

RANDALL。　This　is

LADY　UTTERWORD。　Laziness！　You　are　laziness　incarnate。　You　are
selfishness　itself。　You　are　the　most　uninteresting　man　on　earth。
You　can't　even　gossip　about　anything　but　yourself　and　your
grievances　and　your　ailments　and　the　people　who　have　offended
you。　＇Turning　to　Hector＇。　Do　you　know　what　they　call　him；　Hector？

HECTOR　　｝　　＇speaking　　　｛　Please　don't　tell　me。
RANDALL　｝　　　together＇　　｛　I'll　not　stand　it

LADY　UTTERWORD。　Randall　the　Rotter：　that　is　his　name　in　good
society。

RANDALL　＇shouting＇。　I'll　not　bear　it；　I　tell　you。　Will　you　listen
to　me；　you　infernal＇he　chokes＇。

LADY　UTTERWORD。　Well：　go　on。　What　were　you　going　to　call　me？　An
infernal　what？　Which　unpleasant　animal　is　it　to　be　this　time？

RANDALL　＇foaming＇。　There　is　no　animal　in　the　world　so　hateful　as
a　woman　can　be。　You　are　a　maddening　devil。　Hushabye；　you　will　not
believe　me　when　I　tell　you　that　I　have　loved　this　demon　all　my
life；　but　God　knows　I　have　paid　for　it　＇he　sits　down　in　the
draughtsman's　chair；　weeping＇。

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇standing　over　him　with　triumphant　contempt＇。
Cry…baby！

HECTOR　＇gravely；　coming　to　him＇。　My　friend；　the　Shotover　sisters
have　two　strange　powers　over　men。　They　can　make　them　love；　and
they　can　make　them　cry。　Thank　your　stars　that　you　are　not　married
to　one　of　them。

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇haughtily＇。　And　pray；　Hector

HECTOR　＇suddenly　catching　her　round　the　shoulders：　swinging　her
right　round　him　and　away　from　Randall：　and　gripping　her　throat
with　the　other　hand＇。　Ariadne；　if　you　attempt　to　start　on　me；
I'll　choke　you：　do　you　hear？　The　cat…and…mouse　game　with　the
other　sex　is　a　good　game；　but　I　can　play　your　head　off　at　it。　＇He
throws　her；　not　at　all　gently；　into　the　big　chair；　and　proceeds；
less　fiercely　but　firmly＇。　It　is　true　that　Napoleon　said　that
woman　is　the　occupation　of　the　idle　man。　But　he　added　that　she　is
the　relaxation　of　the　warrior。　Well；　I　am　the　warrior。　So　take
care。

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇not　in　the　least　put　out；　and　rather　pleased　by
his　violence＇。　My　dear　Hector；　I　have　only　done　what　you　asked　me
to　do。

HECTOR。　How　do　you　make　that　out；　pray？

LADY　UTTERWORD。　You　called　me　in　to　manage　Randall；　didn't　you？
You　said　you　couldn't　manage　him　yourself。

HECTOR。　Well；　what　if　I　did？　I　did　not　ask　you　to　drive　the　man
mad。

LADY　UTTERWORD。　He　isn't　mad。　That's　the　way　to　manage　him。　If
you　were　a　mother；　you'd　understand。

HECTOR。　Mother！　What　are　you　up　to　now？

LADY　UTTERWORD。　It's　quite　simple。　When　the　children　got　nerves
and　were　naughty；　I　smacked　them　just　enough　to　give　them　a　good
cry　and　a　healthy　nervous　shock。　They　went　to　sleep　and　were
quite　good　afterwards。　Well；　I　can't　smack　Randall：　he　is　too
big；　so　when　he　gets　nerves　and　is　naughty；　I　just　rag　him　till
he　cries。　He　will　be　all　right　now。　Look：　he　is　half　asleep
already　＇which　is　quite　true＇。

RANDALL　＇waking　up　indignantly＇。　I'm　not。　You　are　most　cruel；
Ariadne。　＇Sentimentally＇。　But　I　suppose　I　must　forgive　you；　as
usual　＇he　checks　himself　in　the　act　of　yawning＇。

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇to　Hector＇。　Is　the　explanation　satisfactory；
dread　warrior？

HECTOR。　Some　day　I　shall　kill　you；　if　you　go　too　far。　I　thought
you　were　a　fool。

LADY　UTTERWORD　＇laughing＇。　Everybody　does；　at　first。　But　I　am　not
such　a　fool　as　I　look。　＇She　rises　complacently＇。　Now；　Randall；　go
to　bed。　You　will　be　a　good　boy　in　the　morning。

RANDALL　＇only　very　faintly　rebellious＇。　I'll　go　to　bed　when　I
like。　It　isn't　ten　yet。

LADY　UTTERWORD。　It　is　long　past　ten。　See　that　he　goes　to　bed　at
once；　Hector。　＇She　goes　into　the　garden＇。

HECTOR。　Is　there　any　slavery　on　earth　viler　than　this　slavery　of
men　to　women？

RANDALL　＇rising　resolutely＇。　I'll　not　speak　to　her　tomorrow。　I'll
not　speak　to　her　for　another　week。　I'll　give　her　such　a　lesson。
I'll　go　straight　to　bed　without　bidding　her　good…night。　＇He　makes
for　the　door　leading　to　the　hall＇。

HECTOR。　You　are　under　a　spell；　man。　Old　Shotover　sold　himself　to
the　devil　in　Zanzibar。　The　devil　gave　him　a　black　witch　for　a
wife；　and　these　two　demon　daughters　are　their　mystical　progeny。　I
am　tied　to　Hesione's　apron…string；　but　I'm　her　husband；　and　if　I
did　go　stark　staring　mad　about　her；　at　least　we　became　man　and
wife。　But　why　should　you　let　yourself　be　dragged　about　and　beaten
by　Ariadne　as　a　toy　donkey　is　dragged　about　and　beaten　by　a
child？　What　do　you　get　by　it？　Are　you　her　lover？

RANDALL。　You　must　not　misunderstand　me。　In　a　higher　sensein　a
Platonic　sense

HECTOR。　Psha！　Platonic　sense！　She　makes　you　her　servant；　and　when
pay…day　comes　round；　she　bilks　you：　that　is　what　you　mean。

RANDALL　＇feebly＇。　Well；　if　I　don't　mind；　I　don't　see　what
business　it　is　of　yours。　Besides；　I　tell　you　I　am　going　to　punish
her。　You　shall　see：　I　know　how　to　deal　with　women。　I'm　really
very　sleepy。　Say　good…night　to　Mrs　Hushabye　for　me；　will　you；
like　a　good　chap。　Good…night。　＇He　hurries　out＇。

HECTOR。　Poor