a hero of our time-第40章

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d　with　my　soul；　it　has　grown　dark；　but　has　not　been　extinguished。

〃We　are　parting　for　ever；　yet　you　may　be　sure　that　I　shall　never　love　another。　　Upon　you　my　soul　has　exhausted　all　its　treasures；　its　tears；　its　hopes。　　She　who　has　once　loved　you　cannot　look　without　a　certain　disdain　upon　other　men；　not　because　you　have　been　better　than　they；　oh；　no！　but　in　your　nature　there　is　something　pecu…　liar　　belonging　to　you　alone；　something　proud　and　mysterious；　in　your　voice；　whatever　the　words　spoken；　there　is　an　invincible　power。　　No　one　can　so　constantly　wish　to　be　loved；　in　no　one　is　wickedness　ever　so　attractive；　no　one's　glance　promises　so　much　bliss；　no　one　can　better　make　use　of　his　advantages；　and　no　one　can　be　so　truly　unhappy　as　you；　because　no　one　endeavours　so　earnestly　to　convince　himself　of　the　contrary。

〃Now　I　must　explain　the　cause　of　my　hurried　departure；　it　will　seem　of　little　importance　to　you；　because　it　concerns　me　alone。

〃This　morning　my　husband　came　in　and　told　me　about　your　quarrel　with　Grushnitski。　　Evi…　dently　I　changed　countenance　greatly；　because　he　looked　me　in　the　face　long　and　intently。　　I　almost　fainted　at　the　thought　that　you　had　to　fight　a　duel　to…day；　and　that　I　was　the　cause　of　it；　it　seemed　to　me　that　I　should　go　mad。　。　。　　But　now；　when　I　am　able　to　reason；　I　am　sure　that　you　remain　alive：　it　is　impossible　that　you　should　die；　and　I　not　with　you　　impossible！　　My　hus…　band　walked　about　the　room　for　a　long　time。　　I　do　not　know　what　he　said　to　me；　I　do　not　remem…　ber　what　I　answered。　。　。　　Most　likely　I　told　him　that　I　loved　you。　。　。　　I　only　remember　that；　at　the　end　of　our　conversation；　he　insulted　me　with　a　dreadful　word　and　left　the　room。　　I　heard　him　ordering　the　carriage。　。　。　　I　have　been　sitting　at　the　window　three　hours　now；　awaiting　your　re…　turn。　。　。　　But　you　are　alive；　you　cannot　have　died！　。　。　。　　The　carriage　is　almost　ready。　。　。　Good…bye；　good…bye！　。　。　。　　I　have　perished　　but　what　matter？　　If　I　could　be　sure　that　you　will　always　remember　me　　I　no　longer　say　love　　no；　only　remember　。　。　。　　Good…bye；　they　are　com…　ing！　。　。　。　　I　must　hide　this　letter。

〃You　do　not　love　Mary；　do　you？　　You　will　not　marry　her？　　Listen；　you　must　offer　me　that　sacrifice。　　I　have　lost　everything　in　the　world　for　you〃　。　。　。

Like　a　madman　I　sprang　on　the　steps；　jumped　on　my　Circassian　horse　which　was　being　led　about　the　courtyard；　and　set　off　at　full　gallop　along　the　road　to　Pyatigorsk。　　Unsparingly　I　urged　on　the　jaded　horse；　which；　snorting　and　all　in　a　foam；　carried　me　swiftly　along　the　rocky　road。

The　sun　had　already　disappeared　behind　a　black　cloud；　which　had　been　resting　on　the　ridge　of　the　western　mountains；　the　gorge　grew　dark　and　damp。　　The　Podkumok；　forcing　its　way　over　the　rocks；　roared　with　a　hollow　and　monotonous　sound。　　I　galloped　on；　choking　with　impatience。　The　idea　of　not　finding　Vera　in　Pyatigorsk　struck　my　heart　like　a　hammer。　　For　one　minute；　again　to　see　her　for　one　minute；　to　say　farewell；　to　press　her　hand。　。　。　　I　prayed；　cursed；　wept；　laughed。　。　。　　No；　nothing　could　express　my　anxiety；　my　despair！　。　。　。　　Now　that　it　seemed　possible　that　I　might　be　about　to　lose　her　for　ever；　Vera　became　dearer　to　me　than　aught　in　the　world　　dearer　than　life；　honour；　happiness！　　God　knows　what　strange；　what　mad　plans　swarmed　in　my　head。　。　。　　Meanwhile　I　still　galloped；　urging　on　my　horse　without　pity。　　And；　now；　I　began　to　notice　that　he　was　breathing　more　heavily；　he　had　already　stumbled　once　or　twice　on　level　ground。　。　。　　I　was　five　versts　from　Essentuki　　a　Cossack　village　where　I　could　change　horses。

All　would　have　been　saved　had　my　horse　been　able　to　hold　out　for　another　ten　minutes。　　But　suddenly；　in　lifting　himself　out　of　a　little　gulley　where　the　road　emerges　from　the　mountains　at　a　sharp　turn；　he　fell　to　the　ground。　　I　jumped　down　promptly；　I　tried　to　lift　him　up；　I　tugged　at　his　bridle　　in　vain。　　A　scarcely　audible　moan　burst　through　his　clenched　teeth；　in　a　few　moments　he　expired。　　I　was　left　on　the　steppe；　alone；　I　had　lost　my　last　hope。　　I　endeavoured　to　walk　　my　legs　sank　under　me；　exhausted　by　the　anxieties　of　the　day　and　by　sleeplessness；　I　fell　upon　the　wet　grass　and　burst　out　crying　like　a　child。

For　a　long　time　I　lay　motionless　and　wept　bitterly；　without　attempting　to　restrain　my　tears　and　sobs。　　I　thought　my　breast　would　burst。　　All　my　firmness；　all　my　coolness；　disappeared　like　smoke；　my　soul　grew　powerless；　my　reason　silent；　and；　if　anyone　had　seen　me　at　that　moment；　he　would　have　turned　aside　with　contempt。

When　the　night…dew　and　the　mountain　breeze　had　cooled　my　burning　brow；　and　my　thoughts　had　resumed　their　usual　course；　I　realized　that　to　pursue　my　perished　happiness　would　be　unavail…　ing　and　unreasonable。　　What　more　did　I　want？　　To　see　her？　　Why？　　Was　not　all　over　between　us？　　A　single；　bitter；　farewell　kiss　would　not　have　enriched　my　recollections；　and；　after　it；　parting　would　only　have　been　more　difficult　for　us。

Still；　I　am　pleased　that　I　can　weep。　　Perhaps；　however；　the　cause　of　that　was　my　shattered　nerves；　a　night　passed　without　sleep；　two　minutes　opposite　the　muzzle　of　a　pistol；　and　an　empty　stomach。

It　is　all　for　the　best。　　That　new　suffering　created　within　me　a　fortunate　diversion　　to　speak　in　military　style。　　To　weep　is　healthy；　and　then；　no　doubt；　if　I　had　not　ridden　as　I　did　and　had　not　been　obliged　to　walk　fifteen　versts　on　my　way　back；　sleep　would　not　have　closed　my　eyes　on　that　night　either。

I　returned　to　Kislovodsk　at　five　o'clock　in　the　morning；　threw　myself　on　my　bed；　and　slept　the　sleep　of　Napoleon　after　Waterloo。

By　the　time　I　awoke　it　was　dark　outside。　　I　sat　by　the　open　window；　with　my　jacket　unbuttoned　　and　the　mountain　breeze　cooled　my　breast；　still　troubled　by　the　heavy　sleep　of　weariness。　　In　the　distance　beyond　the　river；　through　the　tops　of　the　thick　lime　trees　which　overshadowed　it；　lights　were　glancing　in　the　fortress　and　the　vil…　lage。　　Close　at　hand　all　was　calm。　　It　was　dark　in　Princess　Ligovski's　house。

The　doctor　entered；　his　brows　were　knit；　contrary　to　custom；　he　did　not　offer　me　his　hand。

〃Where　have　you　come　from；　doctor？〃

〃From　Princess　Ligovski's；　her　daughter　is　ill　　nervous　exhaustion。　。　。　　That　is　not　the　point；　though。　　This　is　what　I　have　come　to　tell　you：　the　authorities　are　suspicious；　and；　although　it　is　impossible　to　prove　anything　positively；　I　should；　all　the　same；　advise　you　to　be　cautious。　Princess　Ligovski　told　me　to…day　that　she　knew　that　you　fought　a　duel　on　her　daughter's　account。　That　little　old　man　　what's　his　name？　　has　told　her　everything。　　He　was　a　witness　of　your　quarrel　with　Grushnitski　in　the　restaurant。　I　have　come　to　warn　you。　　Good…bye。　　Maybe　we　shall　not　meet　again：　you　will　be　banished　somewhere。〃

He　stopped　on　the　threshold；　he　would　gladly　have　pressed　my　hand　。　。　。　and；　had　I　shown　the　slightest　desire　to　embrace　him；　he　would　have　thrown　himself　upon　my　neck；　but　I　remained　cold　as　a　rock　　and　he　left　the　room。

That　is　just　like　men！　　They　are　all　the　same：　they　know　beforehand　all　the　bad　points　of　an　act；　they　help；　they　advise；　they　even　encourage　it；　seeing　the　impossibility　of　any　other　expedient　　and　then　they　wash　their　hands　of　the　whole　affair　and　turn　away　with　indignation　from　him　who　has　had　the　courage　to　take　the　whole　burden　of　responsibility　upon　himself。　　They　are　all　like　that；　even　the　best…natured；　the　wisest。　。　。



CHAPTER　XXII

NEXT　morning；　having　received　orders　from　the　supreme　authority　to　betake　myself　to　the　N　Fortress；　I　called　upon　Princess　Ligov…　ski　to　say　good…bye。

She　was　surprised　when；　in　answer　to　her　ques…　tion；　whether　I　had　not　anything　of　special　im…　portance　to　tell　her；　I　said　I　had　come　to　wish　her　good…bye；　and　so　on。

〃But　I　must　have　a　very　serious　talk　with　you。〃

I　sat　down　in　silence。

It　was　clear　that　she　did　not　know　how　to　begin；　her　face　grew　livid；　she　tapped　the　table　with　her　plump　fingers；　at　length；　in　a　broken　voice；　she　said：

〃Listen；　Monsieur　Pechorin；　I　think　that　you　are　a　gentleman。〃

I　bowed。

〃Nay；　I　am　sure　of　it；〃　she　continued；　〃al…　though　your　behaviour　is　somewhat　equivocal；　but　you　may　have　reasons　which　I　do　not　know；　and　you　must　now　confide　them　to　me。　　You　have　protec