a hero of our time-第29章

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Meanwhile；　Princess　Mary　had　finished　her　song。　　Murmurs　of　praise　were　to　be　heard　all　around。　　I　went　up　to　her　after　all　the　other　guests；　and　said　something　rather　carelessly　to　her　on　the　subject　of　her　voice。

She　made　a　little　grimace；　pouting　her　lower　lip；　and　dropped　a　very　sarcastic　curtsey。

〃That　is　all　the　more　flattering；〃　she　said；　〃because　you　have　not　been　listening　to　me　at　all；　but　perhaps　you　do　not　like　music？〃　。　。　。

〃On　the　contrary；　I　do　。　。　。　　After　dinner；　especially。〃

〃Grushnitski　is　right　in　saying　that　you　have　very　prosaic　tastes　。　。　。　and　I　see　that　you　like　music　in　a　gastronomic　respect。〃

〃You　are　mistaken　again：　I　am　by　no　means　an　epicure。　　I　have　a　most　wretched　digestion。　　But　music　after　dinner　puts　one　to　sleep；　and　to　sleep　after　dinner　is　healthful；　consequently　I　like　music　in　a　medicinal　respect。　　In　the　evening；　on　the　contrary；　it　excites　my　nerves　too　much：　I　become　either　too　melancholy　or　too　gay。　　Both　are　fatiguing；　where　there　is　no　positive　reason　for　being　either　sorrowful　or　glad。　　And；　more…　over；　melancholy　in　society　is　ridiculous；　and　too　great　gaiety　is　unbecoming〃　。　。　。

She　did　not　hear　me　to　the　end；　but　went　away　and　sat　beside　Grushnitski；　and　they　entered　into　a　sort　of　sentimental　conversation。　　Ap…　parently　the　Princess　answered　his　sage　phrases　rather　absent…mindedly　and　inconsequently；　although　endeavouring　to　show　that　she　was　listening　to　him　with　attention；　because　sometimes　he　looked　at　her　in　astonishment；　trying　to　divine　the　cause　of　the　inward　agitation　which　was　expressed　at　times　in　her　restless　glance　。　。　。

But　I　have　found　you　out；　my　dear　Princess！　Have　a　care！　　You　want　to　pay　me　back　in　the　same　coin；　to　wound　my　vanity　　you　will　not　succeed！　　And　if　you　declare　war　on　me；　I　will　be　merciless！

In　the　course　of　the　evening；　I　purposely　tried　a　few　times　to　join　in　their　conversation；　but　she　met　my　remarks　rather　coldly；　and；　at　last；　I　retired　in　pretended　vexation。　　Princess　Mary　was　triumphant；　Grushnitski　likewise。　　Triumph；　my　friends；　and　be　quick　about　it！　。　。　。　　You　will　not　have　long　to　triumph！　。　。　。　　It　cannot　be　otherwise。　　I　have　a　presentiment。　。　。　　On　making　a　woman's　acquaintance　I　have　always　unerringly　guessed　whether　she　would　fall　in　love　with　me　or　not。

The　remaining　part　of　the　evening　I　spent　at　Vera's　side；　and　talked　to　the　full　about　the　old　days。　。　。　　Why　does　she　love　me　so　much？　In　truth；　I　am　unable　to　say；　all　the　more　so　because　she　is　the　only　woman　who　has　understood　me　perfectly；　with　all　my　petty　weaknesses　and　evil　passions。　。　。　　Can　it　be　that　wickedness　is　so　attractive？　。　。　。

Grushnitski　and　I　left　the　house　together。　　In　the　street　he　took　my　arm；　and；　after　a　long　silence；　said：

〃Well？〃

〃You　are　a　fool；〃　I　should　have　liked　to　answer。　But　I　restrained　myself　and　only　shrugged　my　shoulders。



CHAPTER　VII

6th　June。

ALL　these　days　I　have　not　once　departed　from　my　system。　　Princess　Mary　has　come　to　like　talking　to　me；　I　have　told　her　a　few　of　the　strange　events　of　my　life；　and　she　is　beginning　to　look　on　me　as　an　extraordinary　man。　　I　mock　at　everything　in　the　world；　especially　feelings；　and　she　is　taking　alarm。　　When　I　am　present；　she　does　not　dare　to　embark　upon　sentimental　discussions　with　Grushnitski；　and　already；　on　a　few　occasions；　she　has　answered　his　sallies　with　a　mocking　smile。　But　every　time　that　Grushnitski　comes　up　to　her　I　assume　an　air　of　meekness　and　leave　the　two　of　them　together。　　On　the　first　occasion；　she　was　glad；　or　tried　to　make　it　appear　so；　on　the　second；　she　was　angry　with　me；　on　the　third　　with　Grushnitski。

〃You　have　very　little　vanity！〃　she　said　to　me　yesterday。　　〃What　makes　you　think　that　I　find　Grushnitski　the　more　entertaining？〃

I　answered　that　I　was　sacrificing　my　own　pleasure　for　the　sake　of　the　happiness　of　a　friend。

〃And　my　pleasure；　too；〃　she　added。

I　looked　at　her　intently　and　assumed　a　serious　air。　　After　that　for　the　whole　day　I　did　not　speak　a　single　word　to　her。　。　。　　In　the　evening；　she　was　pensive；　this　morning；　at　the　well；　more　pensive　still。　　When　I　went　up　to　her；　she　was　listening　absent…mindedly　to　Grushnitski；　who　was　ap…　parently　falling　into　raptures　about　Nature；　but；　so　soon　as　she　perceived　me；　she　began　to　laugh　　at　a　most　inopportune　moment　　pretending　not　to　notice　me。　　I　went　on　a　little　further　and　began　stealthily　to　observe　her。　　She　turned　away　from　her　companion　and　yawned　twice。　Decidedly　she　had　grown　tired　of　Grushnitski　　I　will　not　talk　to　her　for　another　two　days。



CHAPTER　VIII

11th　June。

I　OFTEN　ask　myself　why　I　am　so　obstinately　endeavouring　to　win　the　love　of　a　young　girl　whom　I　do　not　wish　to　deceive；　and　whom　I　will　never　marry。　　Why　this　woman…like　coquetry？　Vera　loves　me　more　than　Princess　Mary　ever　will。　Had　I　regarded　the　latter　as　an　invincible　beauty；　I　should　perhaps　have　been　allured　by　the　difficulty　of　the　undertaking。　。　。

However；　there　is　no　such　difficulty　in　this　case！　　Consequently；　my　present　feeling　is　not　that　restless　craving　for　love　which　torments　us　in　the　early　days　of　our　youth；　flinging　us　from　one　woman　to　another　until　we　find　one　who　can…　not　endure　us。　　And　then　begins　our　constancy　　that　sincere；　unending　passion　which　may　be　expressed　mathematically　by　a　line　falling　from　a　point　into　space　　the　secret　of　that　endlessness　lying　only　in　the　impossibility　of　attaining　the　aim；　that　is　to　say；　the　end。

From　what　motive；　then；　am　I　taking　all　this　trouble？　　Envy　of　Grushnitski？　　Poor　fellow！

He　is　quite　undeserving　of　it。　　Or；　is　it　the　result　of　that　ugly；　but　invincible；　feeling　which　causes　us　to　destroy　the　sweet　illusions　of　our　neighbour　in　order　to　have　the　petty　satisfaction　of　saying　to　him；　when；　in　despair；　he　asks　what　he　is　to　believe：

〃My　friend；　the　same　thing　happened　to　me；　and　you　see；　nevertheless；　that　I　dine；　sup；　and　sleep　very　peacefully；　and　I　shall；　I　hope；　know　how　to　die　without　tears　and　lamentations。〃

There　is；　in　sooth；　a　boundless　enjoyment　in　the　possession　of　a　young；　scarce…budded　soul！　　It　is　like　a　floweret　which　exhales　its　best　perfume　at　the　kiss　of　the　first　ray　of　the　sun。　　You　should　pluck　the　flower　at　that　moment；　and；　breathing　its　fragrance　to　the　full；　cast　it　upon　the　road：　perchance　someone　will　pick　it　up！　　I　feel　within　me　that　insatiate　hunger　which　devours　everything　it　meets　upon　the　way；　I　look　upon　the　sufferings　and　joys　of　others　only　from　the　point　of　view　of　their　relation　to　myself；　regarding　them　as　the　nutriment　which　sustains　my　spiritual　forces。　　I　myself　am　no　longer　capable　of　committing　follies　under　the　influence　of　passion；　with　me；　ambition　has　been　repressed　by　circumstances；　but　it　has　emerged　in　another　form；　because　ambition　is　nothing　more　nor　less　than　a　thirst　for　power；　and　my　chief　pleasure　is　to　make　everything　that　surrounds　me　subject　to　my　will。　　To　arouse　the　feeling　of　love；　devotion　and　awe　towards　oneself　　is　not　that　the　first　sign；　and　the　greatest　triumph；　of　power？　　To　be　the　cause　of　suffering　and　joy　to　another　　without　in　the　least　possessing　any　definite　right　to　be　so　　is　not　that　the　sweetest　food　for　our　pride？　And　what　is　happiness？　　Satisfied　pride。　　Were　I　to　consider　myself　the　best；　the　most　powerful　man　in　the　world；　I　should　be　happy；　were　all　to　love　me；　I　should　find　within　me　inexhaustible　springs　of　love。　　Evil　begets　evil；　the　first　suffering　gives　us　the　conception　of　the　satis…　faction　of　torturing　another。　　The　idea　of　evil　cannot　enter　the　mind　without　arousing　a　desire　to　put　it　actually　into　practice。　　〃Ideas　are　organic　entities；〃　someone　has　said。　　The　very　fact　of　their　birth　endows　them　with　form；　and　that　form　is　action。　　He　in　whose　brain　the　most　ideas　are　born　accomplishes　the　most。　　From　that　cause　a　genius；　chained　to　an　official　desk；　must　die　or　go　mad；　just　as　it　often　happens　that　a　man　of　powerful　constitution；　and　at　the　same　time　of　sedentary　life　and　simple　habits；　dies　of　an　apoplectic　stroke。

Passions　are　naught　but　ideas　in　their　first　development；　they　are　an　attribute　of　the　youth　of　the　heart；　and　foolish　is　he　who　thinks　that　he　will　be　agitated　by　them　all　his　life。　　Many　quiet　rivers　begin