a hero of our time-第26章

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heart　feels　the　urgent　necessity　of　violently　and　passionately　loving　somebody。　　Now　my　only　wish　is　to　be　loved；　and　that　by　very　few。　　I　even　think　that　I　would　be　content　with　one　constant　attachment。　　A　wretched　habit　of　the　heart！　。　。　。

One　thing　has　always　struck　me　as　strange。　　I　have　never　made　myself　the　slave　of　the　woman　I　have　loved。　　On　the　contrary；　I　have　always　acquired　an　invincible　power　over　her　will　and　heart；　without　in　the　least　endeavouring　to　do　so。　Why　is　this？　　Is　it　because　I　never　esteem　any…　thing　highly；　and　she　has　been　continually　afraid　to　let　me　out　of　her　hands？　　Or　is　it　the　magnetic　influence　of　a　powerful　organism？　　Or　is　it；　simply；　that　I　have　never　succeeded　in　meeting　a　woman　of　stubborn　character？

I　must　confess　that；　in　fact；　I　do　not　love　women　who　possess　strength　of　character。　　What　business　have　they　with　such　a　thing？

Indeed；　I　remember　now。　　Once　and　once　only　did　I　love　a　woman　who　had　a　firm　will　which　I　was　never　able　to　vanquish。　。　。　　We　parted　as　enemies　　and　then；　perhaps；　if　I　had　met　her　five　years　later　we　would　have　parted　other…　wise。　。　。

Vera　is　ill；　very　ill；　although　she　does　not　admit　it。　　I　fear　she　has　consumption；　or　that　disease　which　is　called　〃fievre　lente〃　　a　quite　un…　Russian　disease；　and　one　for　which　there　is　no　name　in　our　language。

The　storm　overtook　us　while　in　the　grotto　and　detained　us　half　an　hour　longer。　　Vera　did　not　make　me　swear　fidelity；　or　ask　whether　I　had　loved　others　since　we　had　parted。　。　。　　She　trusted　in　me　anew　with　all　her　former　unconcern；　and　I　will　not　deceive　her：　she　is　the　only　woman　in　the　world　whom　it　would　never　be　within　my　power　to　deceive。　　I　know　that　we　shall　soon　have　to　part　again；　and　perchance　for　ever。　　We　will　both　go　by　different　ways　to　the　grave；　but　her　memory　will　remain　inviolable　within　my　soul。　　I　have　always　repeated　this　to　her；　and　she　believes　me；　although　she　says　she　does　not。

At　length　we　separated。　　For　a　long　time　I　followed　her　with　my　eyes；　until　her　hat　was　hidden　behind　the　shrubs　and　rocks。　　My　heart　was　painfully　contracted；　just　as　after　our　first　parting。　　Oh；　how　I　rejoiced　in　that　emotion！　Can　it　be　that　youth　is　about　to　come　back　to　me；　with　its　salutary　tempests；　or　is　this　only　the　fare…　well　glance；　the　last　gift　　in　memory　of　itself？　。　。　。　And　to　think　that；　in　appearance；　I　am　still　a　boy！　　My　face；　though　pale；　is　still　fresh；　my　limbs　are　supple　and　slender；　my　hair　is　thick　and　curly；　my　eyes　sparkle；　my　blood　boils。　。　。

Returning　home；　I　mounted　on　horseback　and　galloped　to　the　steppe。　　I　love　to　gallop　on　a　fiery　horse　through　the　tall　grass；　in　the　face　of　the　desert　wind；　greedily　I　gulp　down　the　fragrant　air　and　fix　my　gaze　upon　the　blue　distance；　endeavouring　to　seize　the　misty　outlines　of　objects　which　every　minute　grow　clearer　and　clearer。　　Whatever　griefs　oppress　my　heart；　whatever　disquietudes　torture　my　thoughts　　all　are　dispersed　in　a　moment；　my　soul　becomes　at　ease；　the　fatigue　of　the　body　vanquishes　the　disturbance　of　the　mind。　　There　is　not　a　woman's　glance　which　I　would　not　forget　at　the　sight　of　the　tufted　mountains；　illumined　by　the　southern　sun；　at　the　sight　of　the　dark…blue　sky；　or　in　hearkening　to　the　roar　of　the　torrent　as　it　falls　from　cliff　to　cliff。

I　believe　that　the　Cossacks；　yawning　on　their　watch…towers；　when　they　saw　me　galloping　thus　needlessly　and　aimlessly；　were　long　tormented　by　that　enigma；　because　from　my　dress；　I　am　sure；　they　took　me　to　be　a　Circassian。　　I　have；　in　fact；　been　told　that　when　riding　on　horseback；　in　my　Circassian　costume；　I　resemble　a　Kabardian　more　than　many　a　Kabardian　himself。　　And；　indeed；　so　far　as　regards　that　noble；　warlike　garb；　I　am　a　perfect　dandy。　　I　have　not　a　single　piece　of　gold　lace　too　much；　my　weapon　is　costly；　but　simply　wrought；　the　fur　on　my　cap　is　neither　too　long　nor　too　short；　my　leggings　and　shoes　are　matched　with　all　possible　accuracy；　my　tunic　is　white；　my　Circassian　jacket；　dark…brown。　　I　have　long　studied　the　mountaineer　seat　on　horseback；　and　in　no　way　is　it　possible　to　flatter　my　vanity　so　much　as　by　acknowledging　my　skill　in　horsemanship　in　the　Cossack　mode。　　I　keep　four　horses　　one　for　myself　and　three　for　my　friends；　so　that　I　may　not　be　bored　by　having　to　roam　about　the　fields　all　alone；　they　take　my　horses　with　pleasure；　and　never　ride　with　me。

It　was　already　six　o'clock　in　the　evening；　when　I　remembered　that　it　was　time　to　dine。　　My　horse　was　jaded。　　I　rode　out　on　to　the　road　leading　from　Pyatigorsk　to　the　German　colony；　to　which　the　society　of　the　watering…place　frequently　rides　en　piquenique。　　The　road　meanders　between　bushes　and　descends　into　little　ravines；　through　which　flow　noisy　brooks　beneath　the　shade　of　tall　grasses。　　All　around；　in　an　amphitheatre；　rise　the　blue　masses　of　Mount　Beshtau　and　the　Zmeiny；　Zhelezny　and　Lysy　Mountains。＇1＇　　Descending　into　one　of　those　ravines；　I　halted　to　water　my　horse。　　At　that　moment　a　noisy　and　glittering　cavalcade　made　its　appearance　upon　the　road　　the　ladies　in　black　and　dark…blue　riding　habits；　the　cavaliers　in　costumes　which　formed　a　medley　of　the　Circassian　and　Nizhegorodian。＇2＇　　In　front　rode　Grushnitski　with　Princess　Mary。

＇1＇　The　Snake；　the　Iron　and　the　Bald　Mountains。

＇2＇　Nizhegorod　is　the　〃government〃　of　which　Nizhniy…　Novgorod　is　the　capital。

The　ladies　at　the　watering…place　still　believe　in　attacks　by　Circassians　in　broad　daylight；　for　that　reason；　doubtless；　Grushnitski　had　slung　a　sabre　and　a　pair　of　pistols　over　his　soldier's　cloak。　　He　looked　ridiculous　enough　in　that　heroic　attire。

I　was　concealed　from　their　sight　by　a　tall　bush；　but　I　was　able　to　see　everything　through　the　leaves；　and　to　guess　from　the　expression　of　their　faces　that　the　conversation　was　of　a　sentimental　turn。　　At　length　they　approached　the　slope；　Grushnitski　took　hold　of　the　bridle　of　the　Princess's　horse；　and　then　I　heard　the　conclusion　of　their　conversation：

〃And　you　wish　to　remain　all　your　life　in　the　Caucasus？〃　said　Princess　Mary。

〃What　is　Russia　to　me？〃　answered　her　cavalier。　　〃A　country　in　which　thousands　of　people；　because　they　are　richer　than　I；　will　look　upon　me　with　contempt；　whilst　here　　here　this　thick　cloak　has　not　prevented　my　acquaintance　with　you〃　。　。　。

〃On　the　contrary〃　。　。　。　said　Princess　Mary；　blushing。

Grushnitski's　face　was　a　picture　of　delight。　　He　continued：

〃Here；　my　life　will　flow　along　noisily；　un…　observed；　and　rapidly；　under　the　bullets　of　the　savages；　and　if　Heaven　were　every　year　to　send　me　a　single　bright　glance　from　a　woman's　eyes　　like　that　which　〃

At　that　moment　they　came　up　to　where　I　was。　I　struck　my　horse　with　the　whip　and　rode　out　from　behind　the　bush。　。　。

〃Mon　Dieu；　un　circassien！〃　。　。　。　exclaimed　Princess　Mary　in　terror。

In　order　completely　to　undeceive　her；　I　replied　in　French；　with　a　slight　bow：

〃Ne　craignez　rien；　madame；　je　ne　suis　pas　plus　dangereux　que　votre　cavalier〃　。　。　。

She　grew　embarrassed　　but　at　what？　　At　her　own　mistake；　or　because　my　answer　struck　her　as　insolent？　　I　should　like　the　latter　hypothesis　to　be　correct。　　Grushnitski　cast　a　discontented　glance　at　me。

Late　in　the　evening；　that　is　to　say；　about　eleven　o'clock；　I　went　for　a　walk　in　the　lilac　avenue　of　the　boulevard。　　The　town　was　sleeping；　lights　were　gleaming　in　only　a　few　windows。　　On　three　sides　loomed　the　black　ridges　of　the　cliffs；　the　spurs　of　Mount　Mashuk；　upon　the　summit　of　which　an　ominous　cloud　was　lying。　　The　moon　was　rising　in　the　east；　in　the　distance；　the　snow…clad　moun…　tains　glistened　like　a　fringe　of　silver。　　The　calls　of　the　sentries　mingled　at　intervals　with　the　roar　of　the　hot　springs　let　flow　for　the　night。　　At　times　the　loud　clattering　of　a　horse　rang　out　along　the　street；　accompanied　by　the　creaking　of　a　Nagai　wagon　and　the　plaintive　burden　of　a　Tartar　song。

I　sat　down　upon　a　bench　and　fell　into　a　reverie。　。　。　　I　felt　the　necessity　of　pouring　forth　my　thoughts　in　friendly　conversation。　。　。　　But　with　whom？　。　。　。

〃What　is　Vera　doing　now？〃　I　wondered。

I　would　have　given　much　to　press　her　hand　at　that　moment。

All　at　once　I　heard　rapid　and　irregular　steps。　。　。　　Grushnitski；　no　doubt！　。　。　。　　So　it　was！

〃Where　have　you　come　from？〃

〃From　Princess　Ligovski's