my discovery of england-第25章

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ciates　it。　It　runs　like　this：

〃Now；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　before　I　invite　the　lecturer　of　the　evening　to　address　us　there　are　a　few　words　that　I　would　like　to　say。　There　are　a　good　many　members　who　are　in　arrears　with　their　fees。　I　am　aware　that　these　are　hard　times　and　it　is　difficult　to　collect　money　but　at　the　same　time　the　members　ought　to　remember　that　the　expenses　of　the　society　are　very　heavy。　The　fees　that　are　asked　by　the　lecturers；　as　I　suppose　you　know；　have　advanced　very　greatly　in　the　last　few　years。　　In　fact　I　may　say　that　they　are　becoming　almost　prohibitive。〃

This　discourse　is　pleasant　hearing　for　the　lecturer。　He　can　see　the　members　who　have　not　yet　paid　their　annual　dues　eyeing　him　with　hatred。　The　chairman　goes　on：

〃Our　finance　committee　were　afraid　at　first　that　we　could　not　afford　to　bring　Mr。　Leacock　to　our　society。　But　fortunately　through　the　personal　generosity　of　two　of　our　members　who　subscribed　ten　pounds　each　out　of　their　own　pocket　we　are　able　to　raise　the　required　sum。〃

　　　（Applause：　during　which　the　lecturer　sits　looking　and　feeling　　　　like　the　embodiment　of　the　〃required　sum。〃）

〃Now；　ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　continues　the　chairman；　〃what　I　feel　is　that　when　we　have　members　in　the　society　who　are　willing　to　make　this　sacrifice；because　it　is　a　sacrifice；　ladies　and　gentlemen；we　ought　to　support　them　in　every　way。　The　members　ought　to　think　it　their　duty　to　turn　out　to　the　lectures。　I　know　that　it　is　not　an　easy　thing　to　do。　On　a　cold　night；　like　this　evening；　it　is　hard；　I　admit　it　is　hard；　to　turn　out　from　the　comfort　of　one's　own　fireside　and　come　and　listen　to　a　lecture。　But　I　think　that　the　members　should　look　at　it　not　as　a　matter　of　personal　comfort　but　as　a　matter　of　duty　towards　this　society。　We　have　managed　to　keep　this　society　alive　for　fifteen　years　and；　though　I　don't　say　it　in　any　spirit　of　boasting；　it　has　not　been　an　easy　thing　to　do。　It　has　required　a　good　deal　of　pretty　hard　spade　work　by　the　committee。　　Well；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　I　suppose　you　didn't　come　here　to　listen　to　me　and　perhaps　I　have　said　enough　about　our　difficulties　and　troubles。　So　without　more　ado　（this　is　always　a　favourite　phrase　with　chairmen）　I'll　invite　Mr。　Leacock　to　address　the　society；　oh；　just　a　word　before　I　sit　down。　Will　all　those　who　are　leaving　before　the　end　of　the　lecture　kindly　go　out　through　the　side　door　and　step　as　quietly　as　possible？　Mr。　　Leacock。〃

Anybody　who　is　in　the　lecture　business　knows　that　that　introduction　is　far　worse　than　being　called　Mr。　Learoyd。


When　any　lecturer　goes　across　to　England　from　this　side　of　the　water　there　is　naturally　a　tendency　on　the　part　of　the　chairman　to　play　upon　this　fact。　This　is　especially　true　in　the　case　of　a　Canadian　like　myself。　The　chairman　feels　that　the　moment　is　fitting　for　one　of　those　great　imperial　thoughts　that　bind　the　British　Empire　together。　But　sometimes　the　expression　of　the　thought　falls　short　of　the　full　glory　of　the　conception。

Witness　this　（word　for　word）　introduction　that　was　used　against　me　by　a　clerical　chairman　in　a　quiet　spot　in　the　south　of　England：

〃Not　so　long　ago；　ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　said　the　vicar；　〃we　used　to　send　out　to　Canada　various　classes　of　our　community　to　help　build　up　that　country。　We　sent　out　our　labourers；　we　sent　out　our　scholars　and　professors。　Indeed　we　even　sent　out　our　criminals。　　And　now；〃　with　a　wave　of　his　hand　towards　me；　〃they　are　coming　back。〃

There　was　no　laughter。　An　English　audience　is　nothing　if　not　literal；　and　they　are　as　polite　as　they　are　literal。　They　understood　that　I　was　a　reformed　criminal　and　as　such　they　gave　me　a　hearty　burst　of　applause。

But　there　is　just　one　thing　that　I　would　like　to　chronicle　here　in　favour　of　the　chairman　and　in　gratitude　for　his　assistance。　Even　at　his　worst　he　is　far　better　than　having　no　chairman　at　all。　Over　in　England　a　great　many　societies　and　public　bodies　have　adopted　the　plan　of　〃cutting　out　the　chairman。〃　Wearying　of　his　faults；　they　have　forgotten　the　reasons　for　his　existence　and　undertaken　to　do　without　him。

The　result　is　ghastly。　The　lecturer　steps　up。　on　to　the　platform　alone　and　unaccompanied。　There　is　a　feeble　ripple　of　applause；　he　makes　his　miserable　bow　and　explains　with　as　much　enthusiasm　as　he　can　who　he　is。　The　atmosphere　of　the　thing　is　so　cold　that　an　'Arctic　expedition　isn't　in　it　with　it。　I　found　also　the　further　difficulty　that　in　the　absence　of　the　chairman　very　often　the　audience；　or　a　large　part　of　it；　doesn't　know　who　the　lecturer　is。　On　many　occasions　I　received　on　appearing　a　wild　burst　of　applause　under　the　impression　that　I　was　somebody　else。　I　have　been　mistaken　in　this　way　for　Mr。　Briand；　then　Prime　Minister　of　France；　for　Charlie　Chaplin；　for　Mrs。　Asquith；but　stop；　I　may　get　into　a　libel　suit。　All　I　mean　is　that　without　a　chairman　〃we　celebrities〃　get　terribly　mixed　up　together。

To　one　experience　of　my　tour　as　a　lecturer　I　shall　always　be　able　to　look　back　with　satisfaction。　I　nearly　had　the　pleasure　of　killing　a　man　with　laughing：　and　this　in　the　most　literal　sense。　American　lecturers　have　often　dreamed　of　doing　this。　I　nearly　did　it。　The　man　in　question　was　a　comfortable　apoplectic…looking　man　with　the　kind　of　merry　rubicund　face　that　is　seen　in　countries　where　they　don't　have　prohibition。　He　was　seated　near　the　back　of　the　hall　and　was　laughing　uproariously。　All　of　a　sudden　I　realised　that　something　was　happening。　The　man　had　collapsed　sideways　on　to　the　floor；　a　little　group　of　men　gathered　about　him；　they　lifted　him　up　and　I　could　see　them　carrying　him　out；　a　silent　and　inert　mass。　As　in　duty　bound　I　went　right　on　with　my　lecture。　　But　my　heart　beat　high　with　satisfaction。　I　was　sure　that　I　had　killed　him。　The　reader　may　judge　how　high　these　hopes　rose　when　a　moment　or　two　later　a　note　was　handed　to　the　chairman　who　then　asked　me　to　pause　for　a　moment　in　my　lecture　and　stood　up　and　asked；　〃Is　there　a　doctor　in　the　audience？〃　A　doctor　rose　and　silently　went　out。　The　lecture　continued；　but　there　was　no　more　laughter；　my　aim　had　now　become　to　kill　another　of　them　and　they　knew　it。　　They　were　aware　that　if　they　started　laughing　they　might　die。　In　a　few　minutes　a　second　note　was　handed　to　the　chairman。　He　announced　very　gravely；　〃A　second　doctor　is　wanted。〃　The　lecture　went　on　in　deeper　silence　than　ever。　All　the　audience　were　waiting　for　a　third　announcement。　It　came。　A　new　message　was　handed　to　the　chairman。　　He　rose　and　said；　〃If　Mr。　Murchison；　the　undertaker；　is　in　the　audience；　will　he　kindly　step　outside。〃

That　man；　I　regret　to　say；　got　well。

Disappointing　though　it　is　to　read　it；　he　recovered。　I　sent　back　next　morning　from　London　a　telegram　of　enquiry　（I　did　it　in　reality　so　as　to　have　a　proper　proof　of　his　death）　and　received　the　answer；　〃Patient　doing　well；　is　sitting　up　in　bed　and　reading　Lord　Haldane's　Relativity；　no　danger　of　relapse。〃



X。Have　the　English　any　Sense　of　Humour？

It　was　understood　that　the　main　object　of　my　trip　to　England　was　to　find　out　whether　the　British　people　have　any　sense　of　humour。　No　doubt　the　Geographical　Society　had　this　investigation　in　mind　in　not　paying　my　expenses。　Certainly　on　my　return　I　was　at　once　assailed　with　the　question　on　all　sides；　〃Have　they　got　a　sense　of　humour？　Even　if　it　is　only　a　rudimentary　sense；　have　they　got　it　or　have　they　not？〃　I　propose　therefore　to　address　myself　to　the　answer　to　this　question。

A　peculiar　interest　always　attaches　to　humour。　There　is　no　quality　of　the　human　mind　about　which　its　possessor　is　more　sensitive　than　the　sense　of　humour。　A　man　will　freely　confess　that　he　has　no　ear　for　music；　or　no　taste　for　fiction；　or　even　no　interest　in　religion。　　But　I　have　yet　to　see　the　man　who　announces　that　he　has　no　sense　of　humour。　In　point　of　fact；　every　man　is　apt　to　think　himself　possessed　of　an　exceptional　gift　in　this　direction；　and　that　even　if　his　humour　does　not　express　itself　in　the　power　either　to　make　a　joke　or　to　laugh　at　one；　it　none　the　less　consists　in　a　peculiar　insight　or　inner　light　superior　to　that　of　other　people。

The　same　thing　is　true　of　nations。　Each　thinks　its　own　humour　of　an　entirely　superior　kind；　and　either　refuses　to　admit；　or　admits　reluctantly；　the　humorous　quality　of　other　peopl