my discovery of england-第23章

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ver　now；　and　I　am　glad。　But　just　let　me　say　this；　only　this；　which　won't　keep　you　a　minute。　Your　chairman　has　been　good　enough　to　say　that　if　I　come　again　you　will　get　together　a　capacity　audience　to　hear　me。　　Let　me　tell　you　that　if　your　society　waits　for　its　next　meeting　till　I　come　to　address　you　again；　you　will　wait　indeed。　In　fact；　gentlemenI　say　it　very　franklyit　will　be　in　another　world。〃

But　I　pass　over　the　audience。　Suppose　there　is　a　real　audience；　and　suppose　them　all　duly　gathered　together。　Then　it　becomes　the　business　of　that　gloomy　gentlemanfacetiously　referred　to　in　the　newspaper　reports　as　the　〃genial　chairman〃to　put　the　lecturer　to　the　bad。　In　nine　cases　out　of　ten　he　can　do　so。　Some　chairmen；　indeed；　develop　a　great　gift　for　it。　Here　are　one　or　two　examples　from　my　own　experience：

〃Ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　said　the　chairman　of　a　society　in　a　little　country　town　in　Western　Ontario；　to　which　I　had　come　as　a　paid　（a　very　humbly　paid）　lecturer；　〃we　have　with　us　tonight　a　gentleman〃　（here　he　made　an　attempt　to　read　my　name　on　a　card；　failed　to　read　it　and　put　the　card　back　in　his　pocket）〃a　gentleman　who　is　to　lecture　to　us　on〃　（here　he　looked　at　his　card　again）〃on　Ancient　Ancient；I　don't　very　well　see　what　it　isAncient　Britain？　Thank　you；　on　Ancient　Britain。　　Now；　this　is　the　first　of　our　series　of　lectures　for　this　winter。　　The　last　series；　as　you　all　know；　was　not　a　success。　In　fact；　we　came　out　at　the　end　of　the　year　with　a　deficit。　So　this　year　we　are　starting　a　new　line　and　trying　the　experiment　of　cheaper　talent。〃

Here　the　chairman　gracefully　waved　his　hand　toward　me　and　there　was　a　certain　amount　of　applause。　〃Before　I　sit　down；〃　the　chairman　added；　〃I'd　like　to　say　that　I　am　sorry　to　see　such　a　poor　turn…out　to…night　and　to　ask　any　of　the　members　who　haven't　paid　their　dollar　to　pay　it　either　to　me　or　to　Mr。　Sibley　as　they　pass　out。〃

Let　anybody　who　knows　the　discomfiture　of　coming　out　before　an　audience　on　any　terms；　judge　how　it　feels　to　crawl　out　in　front　of　them　labelled　cheaper　talent。

Another　charming　way　in　which　the　chairman　endeavours　to　put　both　the　speaker　for　the　evening　and　the　audience　into　an　entirely　good　humour；　is　by　reading　out　letters　of　regret　from　persons　unable　to　be　present。　This；　of　course；　is　only　for　grand　occasions　when　the　speaker　has　been　invited　to　come　under　very　special　auspices。　It　was　my　fate；　not　long　ago；　to　〃appear〃　（this　is　the　correct　word　to　use　in　this　connection）　in　this　capacity　when　I　was　going　about　Canada　trying　to　raise　some　money　for　the　relief　of　the　Belgians。　I　travelled　in　great　glory　with　a　pass　on　the　Canadian　Pacific　Railway　（not　since　extended：　officials　of　the　road　kindly　note　this）　and　was　most　generously　entertained　wherever　I　went。

It　was；　therefore；　the　business　of　the　chairman　at　such　meetings　as　these　to　try　and　put　a　special　distinction　or　cachet　on　the　gathering。　This　is　how　it　was　done：

〃Ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　said　the　chairman；　rising　from　his　seat　on　the　platform　with　a　little　bundle　of　papers　in　his　hand；　〃before　I　introduce　the　speaker　of　the　evening；　I　have　one　or　two　items　that　I　want　to　read　to　you。〃　Here　he　rustles　his　papers　and　there　is　a　deep　hush　in　the　hall　while　he　selects　one。　〃We　had　hoped　to　have　with　us　to…night　Sir　Robert　Borden；　the　Prime　Minister　of　this　Dominion。　I　have　just　received　a　telegram　from　Sir　Robert　in　which　he　says　that　he　will　not　be　able　to　be　here〃　（great　applause）。　　The　chairman　puts　up　his　hand　for　silence；　picks　up　another　telegram　and　continues；　〃Our　committee；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　telegraphed　an　invitation　to　Sir　Wilfrid　Laurier　very　cordially　inviting　him　to　be　here　to…night。　I　have　here　Sir　Wilfrid's　answer　in　which　he　says　that　he　will　not　be　able　to　be　with　us〃　（renewed　applause）。　　The　chairman　again　puts　up　his　hand　for　silence　and　goes　on；　picking　up　one　paper　after　another。　〃The　Minister　of　Finance　regrets　that　he　will　be　unable　to　come〃　（applause）。　〃Mr。　Rodolphe　Lemieux　（applause）　will　not　be　here　（great　applause）the　Mayor　of　Toronto　（applause）　is　detained　on　business　（wild　applause）the　Anglican　Bishop　of　the　Diocese　（applause）the　Principal　of　the　University　College；　Toronto　（great　applause）the　Minister　of　Education　（applause）none　of　these　are　coming。〃　There　is　a　great　clapping　of　hands　and　enthusiasm；　after　which　the　meeting　is　called　to　order　with　a　very　distinct　and　palpable　feeling　that　it　is　one　of　the　most　distinguished　audiences　ever　gathered　in　the　hall。

Here　is　another　experience　of　the　same　period　while　I　was　pursuing　the　same　exalted　purpose：　I　arrived　in　a　little　town　in　Eastern　Ontario；　and　found　to　my　horror　that　I　was　billed　to　〃appear〃　in　a　church。　I　was　supposed　to　give　readings　from　my　works；　and　my　books　are　supposed　to　be　of　a　humorous　character。　A　church　hardly　seemed　the　right　place　to　get　funny　in。　I　explained　my　difficulty　to　the　pastor　of　the　church；　a　very　solemn　looking　man。　He　nodded　his　head；　slowly　and　gravely；　as　he　grasped　my　difficulty。　〃I　see；〃　he　said；　〃I　see；　but　I　think　that　I　can　introduce　you　to　our　people　in　such　a　way　as　to　make　that　right。〃

When　the　time　came；　he　led　me　up　on　to　the　pulpit　platform　of　the　church；　just　beside　and　below　the　pulpit　itself；　with　a　reading　desk　and　a　big　bible　and　a　shaded　light　beside　it。　It　was　a　big　church；　and　the　audience；　sitting　in　half　darkness；　as　is　customary　during　a　sermon；　reached　away　back　into　the　gloom。　The　place　was　packed　full　and　absolutely　quiet。　Then　the　chairman　spoke：

〃Dear　friends；〃　he　said；　〃I　want　you　to　understand　that　it　will　be　all　right　to　laugh　tonight。　Let　me　hear　you　laugh　heartily；　laugh　right　out；　just　as　much　as　ever　you　want　to；　because〃　（and　here　his　voice　assumed　the　deep　sepulchral　tones　of　the　preacher）；…〃when　we　think　of　the　noble　object　for　which　the　professor　appears　to…night；　we　may　be　assured　that　the　Lord　will　forgive　any　one　who　will　laugh　at　the　professor。〃

I　am　sorry　to　say；　however；　that　none　of　the　audience；　even　with　the　plenary　absolution　in　advance；　were　inclined　to　take　a　chance　on　it。

I　recall　in　this　same　connection　the　chairman　of　a　meeting　at　a　certain　town　in　Vermont。　He　represents　the　type　of　chairman　who　turns　up　so　late　at　the　meeting　that　the　committee　have　no　time　to　explain　to　him　properly　what　the　meeting　is　about　or　who　the　speaker　is。　I　noticed　on　this　occasion　that　he　introduced　me　very　guardedly　by　name　（from　a　little　card）　and　said　nothing　about　the　Belgians；　and　nothing　about　my　being　（supposed　to　be）　a　humourist。　This　last　was　a　great　error。　The　audience；　for　want　of　guidance；　remained　very　silent　and　decorous；　and　well　behaved　during　my　talk。　Then；　somehow；　at　the　end；　while　some　one　was　moving　a　vote　of　thanks；　the　chairman　discovered　his　error。　So　he　tried　to　make　it　good。　Just　as　the　audience　were　getting　up　to　put　on　their　wraps；　he　rose；　knocked　on　his　desk　and　said：

〃Just　a　minute；　please；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　just　a　minute。　I　have　just　found　outI　should　have　known　it　sooner；　but　I　was　late　in　coming　to　this　meetingthat　the　speaker　who　has　just　addressed　you　has　done　so　in　behalf　of　the　Belgian　Relief　Fund。　I　understand　that　he　is　a　well…known　Canadian　humourist　（ha！　ha！）　and　I　am　sure　that　we　have　all　been　immensely　amused　（ha！　ha！）。　He　is　giving　his　delightful　talks　（ha！　ha！）though　I　didn't　know　this　till　just　this　minutefor　the　Belgian　Relief　Fund；　and　he　is　giving　his　services　for　nothing。　I　am　sure　when　we　realise　this；　we　shall　all　feel　that　it　has　been　well　worth　while　to　come。　I　am　only　sorry　that　we　didn't　have　a　better　turn　out　to…night。　But　I　can　assure　the　speaker　that　if　he　will　come　again；　we　shall　guarantee　him　a　capacity　audience。　And　I　may　say；　that　if　there　are　any　members　of　this　association　who　have　not　paid　their　dollar　this　season；　they　can　give　it　either　to　myself　or　to　Mr。　Sibley　as　they　pass　out。〃

With　the　amount　of　accumulated　experience　that　I　had　behind　me　I　was　naturally　interested　during　my　lecture　in　England　in　the　chairmen　who　were　to　introduce　me。　I　cannot　help　but　feel　that　I　have　acquired　a　fine　taste　in　chair　men。　I　know　them　just　as　other　experts　know　old　furniture　and　Pekinese　dogs。　The　witty　chairman；　the　prosy　chairman；　the　solemn　chairman；I　know　them　all。　As　soon　as　I