my discovery of england-第22章

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　　　　There　was　also　a　slight　sensation　here　when　the　Chancellor　　　　　of　the　Exchequer　brought　in　his　first　appropriation　for　　　　　maintaining　prohibition。　From　our　point　of　view　in　America；　　　　　it　was　modest　enough。　But　these　people　are　not　used　to　it。　　　　　The　Chancellor　merely　asked　for　ten　million　pounds　a　month　　　　　to　begin　on；　he　explained　that　his　task　was　heavy；　he　has　to　　　　　police；　not　only　the　entire　coast；　but　also　the　interior；　　　　　for　the　Grampian　Hills　of　Scotland　alone　he　asked　a　million。　　　　　There　was　a　good　deal　of　questioning　in　the　House　over　these　　　　　figures。　The　Chancellor　was　asked　if　he　intended　to　keep　a　　　　　hired　spy　at　every　street　corner　in　London。　He　answered；　　　　　〃No；　only　on　every　other　street。〃　He　added　also　that　every　　　　　spy　must　wear　a　brass　collar　with　his　number。

　　　　I　must　admit　further；　and　I　am　sorry　to　have　to　tell　you　　　　　this；　that　now　we　have　prohibition　it　is　becoming　　　　　increasingly　difficult　to　get　a　drink。　In　fact；　sometimes；　　　　　especially　in　the　very　early　morning；　it　is　most　　　　　inconvenient　and　almost　impossible。　The　public　houses　being　　　　　closed；　it　is　necessary　to　go　into　a　drug　storejust　as　it　　　　　is　with　usand　lean　up　against　the　counter　and　make　a　　　　　gurgling　sound　like　apoplexy。　One　often　sees　these　apoplexy　　　　　cases　lined　up　four　deep。

　　　　But　the　people　are　finding　substitutes；　just　as　they　do　with　　　　　us。　There　is　a　tremendous　run　on　patent　medicines；　perfume；　　　　　glue　and　nitric　acid。　It　has　been　found　that　Shears'　soap　　　　　contains　alcohol；　and　one　sees　people　everywhere　eating　　　　　cakes　of　it。　The　upper　classes　have　taken　to　chewing　tobacco　　　　　very　considerably；　and　the　use　of　opium　in　the　House　of　　　　　Lords　has　very　greatly　increased。

　　　　But　I　don't　want　you　to　think　that　if　you　come　over　here　to　　　　　see　me；　your　private　life　will　be　in　any　way　impaired　or　　　　　curtailed。　I　am　glad　to　say　that　I　have　plenty　of　rich　　　　　connections　whose　cellars　are　very　amply　stocked。　The　Duke　　　　　of　Blank　is　said　to　have　5；000　cases　of　Scotch　whiskey；　and　　　　　I　have　managed　to　get　a　card　of　introduction　to　his　butler。　　　　　In　fact　you　will　find　that；　just　as　with　us　in　America；　the　　　　　benefit　of　prohibition　is　intended　to　fall　on　the　poorer　　　　　classes。　There　is　no　desire　to　interfere　with　the　rich。




IX。〃We　Have　With　Us　To…night〃

NOT　only　during　my　tour　in　England　but　for　many　years　past　it　has　been　my　lot　to　speak　and　to　lecture　in　all　sorts　of　places；　under　all　sorts　of　circumstances　and　before　all　sorts　of　audiences。　I　say　this；　not　in　boastfulness；　but　in　sorrow。　Indeed；　I　only　mention　it　to　establish　the　fact　that　when　I　talk　of　lecturers　and　speakers；　I　talk　of　what　I　know。

Few　people　realise　how　arduous　and　how　disagreeable　public　lecturing　is。　The　public　sees　the　lecturer　step　out　on　to　the　platform　in　his　little　white　waistcoat　and　his　long　tailed　coat　and　with　a　false　air　of　a　conjurer　about　him；　and　they　think　him　happy。　After　about　ten　minutes　of　his　talk　they　are　tired　of　him。　Most　people　tire　of　a　lecture　in　ten　minutes；　clever　people　can　do　it　in　five。　Sensible　people　never　go　to　lectures　at　all。　But　the　people　who　do　go　to　a　lecture　and　who　get　tired　of　it；　presently　hold　it　as　a　sort　of　a　grudge　against　the　lecturer　personally。　In　reality　his　sufferings　are　worse　than　theirs。

For　my　own　part　I　always　try　to　appear　as　happy　as　possible　while　I　am　lecturing。　I　take　this　to　be　part　of　the　trade　of　anybody　labelled　a　humourist　and　paid　as　such。　I　have　no　sympathy　whatever　with　the　idea　that　a　humourist　ought　to　be　a　lugubrious　person　with　a　face　stamped　with　melancholy。　This　is　a　cheap　and　elementary　effect　belonging　to　the　level　of　a　circus　clown。　The　image　of　〃laughter　shaking　both　his　sides〃　is　the　truer　picture　of　comedy。　　Therefore；　I　say；　I　always　try　to　appear　cheerful　at　my　lectures　and　even　to　laugh　at　my　own　jokes。　Oddly　enough　this　arouses　a　kind　of　resentment　in　some　of　the　audience。　〃Well；　I　will　say；〃　said　a　stern…looking　woman　who　spoke　to　me　after　one　of　my　lectures；　〃you　certainly　do　seem　to　enjoy　your　own　fun。〃　〃Madam；〃　I　answered；　〃if　I　didn't；　who　would？〃　But　in　reality　the　whole　business　of　being　a　public　lecturer　is　one　long　variation　of　boredom　and　fatigue。　So　I　propose　to　set　down　here　some　of　the　many　trials　which　the　lecturer　has　to　bear。

The　first　of　the　troubles　which　any　one　who　begins　giving　public　lectures　meets　at　the　very　outset　is　the　fact　that　the　audience　won't　come　to　hear　him。　This　happens　invariably　and　constantly；　and　not　through　any　fault　or　shortcoming　of　the　speaker。

I　don't　say　that　this　happened　very　often　to　me　in　my　tour　in　England。　In　nearly　all　cases　I　had　crowded　audiences：　by　dividing　up　the　money　that　I　received　by　the　average　number　of　people　present　to　hear　me　I　have　calculated　that　they　paid　thirteen　cents　each。　And　my　lectures　are　evidently　worth　thirteen　cents。　But　at　home　in　Canada　I　have　very　often　tried　the　fatal　experiment　of　lecturing　for　nothing：　and　in　that　case　the　audience　simply　won't　come。　A　man　will　turn　out　at　night　when　he　knows　he　is　going　to　hear　a　first　class　thirteen　cent　lecture；　but　when　the　thing　is　given　for　nothing；　why　go　to　it？

The　city　in　which　I　live　is　overrun　with　little　societies；　clubs　and　associations；　always　wanting　to　be　addressed。　So　at　least　it　is　in　appearance。　In　reality　the　societies　are　composed　of　presidents；　secretaries　and　officials；　who　want　the　conspicuousness　of　office；　and　a　large　list　of　other　members　who　won't　come　to　the　meetings。　For　such　an　association；　the　invited　speaker　who　is　to　lecture　for　nothing　prepares　his　lecture　on　〃Indo…Germanic　Factors　in　the　Current　of　History。〃　If　he　is　a　professor；　he　takes　all　the　winter　at　it。　You　may　drop　in　at　his　house　at　any　time　and　his　wife　will　tell　you　that　he　is　〃upstairs　working　on　his　lecture。〃　If　he　comes　down　at　all　it　is　in　carpet　slippers　and　dressing　gown。　His　mental　vision　of　his　meeting　is　that　of　a　huge　gathering　of　keen　people　with　Indo…Germanic　faces；　hanging　upon　every　word。

Then　comes　the　fated　night。　There　are　seventeen　people　present。　　The　lecturer　refuses　to　count　them。　He　refers　to　them　afterwards　as　〃about　a　hundred。〃　To　this　group　he　reads　his　paper　on　the　Indo…Germanic　Factor。　It　takes　him　two　hours。　When　he　is　over　the　chairman　invites　discussion。　　There　is　no　discussion。　The　audience　is　willing　to　let　the　Indo…Germanic　factors　go　unchallenged。　Then　the　chairman　makes　this　speech。　He　says：

〃I　am　very　sorry　indeed　that　we　should　have　had　such　a　very　poor　'turn　out'　to…night。　I　am　sure　that　the　members　who　were　not　here　have　missed　a　real　treat　in　the　delightful　paper　that　we　have　listened　to。　I　want　to　assure　the　lecturer　that　if　he　comes　to　the　Owl's　Club　again　we　can　guarantee　him　next　time　a　capacity　audience。　And　will　any　members；　please；　who　haven't　paid　their　dollar　this　winter；　pay　it　either　to　me　or　to　Mr。　Sibley　as　they　pass　out。〃

I　have　heard　this　speech　（in　the　years　when　I　have　had　to　listen　to　it）　so　many　times　that　I　know　it　by　heart。　I　have　made　the　acquaintance　of　the　Owl's　Club　under　so　many　names　that　I　recognise　it　at　once。　I　am　aware　that　its　members　refuse　to　turn　out　in　cold　weather；　that　they　do　not　turn　out　in　wet　weather；　that　when　the　weather　is　really　fine；　it　is　impossible　to　get　them　together；　that　the　slightest　counter…attraction；a　hockey　match；　a　sacred　concert；goes　to　their　heads　at　once。

There　was　a　time　when　I　was　the　newly　appointed　occupant　of　a　college　chair　and　had　to　address　the　Owl's　Club。　It　is　a　penalty　that　all　new　professors　pay；　and　the　Owls　batten　upon　them　like　bats。　It　is　one　of　the　compensations　of　age　that　I　am　free　of　the　Owl's　Club　forever。　But　in　the　days　when　I　still　had　to　address　them；　I　used　to　take　it　out　of　the　Owls　in　a　speech；　delivered；　in　imagination　only　and　not　out　loud；　to　the　assembled　meeting　of　the　seventeen　Owls；　after　the　chairman　had　made　his　concluding　remarks。　It　ran　as　follows：

〃Gentlemenif　you　are　such；　which　I　doubt。　I　realise　that　the　paper　which　I　have　read　on　〃Was　Hegel　a　deist？〃　has　been　an　error。　　I　spent　all　the　winter　on　it　and　now　I　realise　that　not　one　of　you　pups　know　who　Hegel　was　or　what　a　deist　is。　Never　mind。　It　is　over　now；　and　I　am　glad。　But　just　let　me　say　th