my discovery of england-第2章

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the　First　National　Bank　（the　courteous　manager　of　which　gave　me　an　excellent　cigar）　and　the　Second　Congregational　Church　where　I　had　the　pleasure　of　meeting　the　pastor。　The　pastor；　who　appeared　a　man　of　breadth　and　culture；　gave　me　another　cigar。　In　the　evening　a　dinner；　admirably　cooked　and　excellently　served；　was　tendered　to　me　at　a　leading　hotel。〃　And　of　course　he　took　it。　After　which　his　statement　that　he　carried　away　from　the　town　a　feeling　of　optimism　explains　itself：　he　had　four　cigars；　the　dinner；　and　half　a　page　of　impressions　at　twenty　cents　a　word。

Nor　is　it　only　by　the　theft　of　impressions　that　we　suffer　at　the　hands　of　these　English　discoverers　of　America。　It　is　a　part　of　the　system　also　that　we　have　to　submit　to　being　lectured　to　by　our　talented　visitors。　It　is　now　quite　understood　that　as　soon　as　an　English　literary　man　finishes　a　book　he　is　rushed　across　to　America　to　tell　the　people　of　the　United　States　and　Canada　all　about　it；　and　how　he　came　to　write　it。　At　home；　in　his　own　country；　they　don't　care　how　he　came　to　write　it。　He's　written　it　and　that's　enough。　But　in　America　it　is　different。　One　month　after　the　distinguished　author's　book　on　The　Boyhood　of　Botticelli　has　appeared　in　London；　he　is　seen　to　land　in　New　York　very　quietly　out　of　one　of　the　back　portholes　of　the　Olympic。　That　same　afternoon　you　will　find　him　in　an　armchair　in　one　of　the　big　hotels　giving　off　impressions　of　America　to　a　group　of　reporters。　After　which　notices　appear　in　all　the　papers　to　the　effect　that　he　will　lecture　in　Carnegie　Hall　on　〃Botticelli　the　Boy〃。　The　audience　is　assured　beforehand。　It　consists　of　all　the　people　who　feel　that　they　have　to　go　because　they　know　all　about　Botticelli　and　all　the　people　who　feel　that　they　have　to　go　because　they　don't　know　anything　about　Botticelli。　By　this　means　the　lecturer　is　able　to　rake　the　whole　country　from　Montreal　to　San　Francisco　with　〃Botticelli　the　Boy〃。　Then　he　turns　round；　labels　his　lecture　〃Botticelli　the　Man〃；　and　rakes　it　all　back　again。　All　the　way　across　the　continent　and　back　he　emits　impressions；　estimates　of　national　character；　and　surveys　of　American　genius。　He　sails　from　New　York　in　a　blaze　of　publicity；　with　his　cordon　of　reporters　round　him；　and　a　month　later　publishes　his　book　〃America　as　I　Saw　It〃。　It　is　widely　readin　America。

In　the　course　of　time　a　very　considerable　public　feeling　was　aroused　in　the　United　States　and　Canada　over　this　state　of　affairs。　The　lack　of　reciprocity　in　it　seemed　unfair。　It　was　felt　（or　at　least　I　felt）　that　the　time　had　come　when　some　one　ought　to　go　over　and　take　some　impressions　off　England。　The　choice　of　such　a　person　（my　choice）　fell　upon　myself。　By　an　arrangement　with　the　Geographical　Society　of　America；　acting　in　conjunction　with　the　Royal　Geographical　Society　of　England　（to　both　of　whom　I　communicated　my　proposal）；　I　went　at　my　own　expense。

It　is　scarcely　feasible　to　give　here　full　details　in　regard　to　my　outfit　and　equipment；　though　I　hope　to　do　so　in　a　later　and　more　extended　account　of　my　expedition。　Suffice　it　to　say　that　my　outfit；　which　was　modelled　on　the　equipment　of　English　lecturers　in　America；　included　a　complete　suit　of　clothes；　a　dress　shirt　for　lecturing　in；　a　fountain　pen　and　a　silk　hat。　The　dress　shirt；　I　may　say　for　the　benefit　of　other　travellers；　proved　invaluable。　The　silk　hat；　however；　is　no　longer　used　in　England　except　perhaps　for　scrambling　eggs　in。

I　pass　over　the　details　of　my　pleasant　voyage　from　New　York　to　Liverpool。　During　the　last　fifty　years　so　many　travellers　have　made　the　voyage　across　the　Atlantic　that　it　is　now　impossible　to　obtain　any　impressions　from　the　ocean　of　the　slightest　commercial　value。　　My　readers　will　recall　the　fact　that　Washington　Irving；　as　far　back　as　a　century　ago；　chronicled　the　pleasure　that　one　felt　during　an　Atlantic　voyage　in　idle　day　dreams　while　lying　prone　upon　the　bowsprit　and　watching　the　dolphins　leaping　in　the　crystalline　foam。　　Since　his　time　so　many　gifted　writers　have　attempted　to　do　the　same　thing　that　on　the　large　Atlantic　liners　the　bowsprit　has　been　removed；　or　at　any　rate　a　notice　put　up：　〃Authors　are　requested　not　to　lie　prostrate　on　the　bowsprit。〃　But　even　without　this　advantage；　three　or　four　generations　of　writers　have　chronicled　with　great　minuteness　their　sensations　during　the　transit。　I　need　only　say　that　my　sensations　were　just　as　good　as　theirs。　I　will　content　myself　with　chronicling　the　fact　that　during　the　voyage　we　passed　two　dolphins；　one　whale　and　one　iceberg　（none　of　them　moving　very　fast　at　the　time）；　and　that　on　the　fourth　day　out　the　sea　was　so　rough　that　the　Captain　said　that　in　forty　years　he　had　never　seen　such　weather。　One　of　the　steerage　passengers；　we　were　told；　was　actually　washed　overboard：　I　think　it　was　over　board　that　he　was　washed；　but　it　may　have　been　on　board　the　ship　itself。

I　pass　over　also　the　incidents　of　my　landing　in　Liverpool；　except　perhaps　to　comment　upon　the　extraordinary　behaviour　of　the　English　customs　officials。　Without　wishing　in　any　way　to　disturb　international　relations；　one　cannot　help　noticing　the　rough　and　inquisitorial　methods　of　the　English　customs　men　as　compared　with　the　gentle　and　affectionate　ways　of　the　American　officials　at　New　York。　The　two　trunks　that　I　brought　with　me　were　dragged　brutally　into　an　open　shed；　the　strap　of　one　of　them　was　rudely　unbuckled；　while　the　lid　of　the　other　was　actually　lifted　at　least　four　inches。　The　trunks　were　then　roughly　scrawled　with　chalk；　the　lids　slammed　to；　and　that　was　all。　Not　one　of　the　officials　seemed　to　care　to　look　at　my　things　or　to　have　the　politeness　to　pretend　to　want　to。　I　had　arranged　my　dress　suit　and　my　pyjamas　so　as　to　make　as　effective　a　display　as　possible：　a　New　York　customs　officer　would　have　been　delighted　with　it。　Here　they　simply　passed　it　over。　〃Do　open　this　trunk；〃　I　asked　one　of　the　officials；　〃and　see　my　pyjamas。〃　〃I　don't　think　it　is　necessary；　sir；〃　the　man　answered。　There　was　a　coldness　about　it　that　cut　me　to　the　quick。

But　bad　as　is　the　conduct　of　the　English　customs　men；　the　immigration　officials　are　even　worse。　I　could　not　help　being　struck　by　the　dreadful　carelessness　with　which　people　are　admitted　into　England。　There　are；　it　is　true；　a　group　of　officials　said　to　be　in　charge　of　immigration；　but　they　know　nothing　of　the　discriminating　care　exercised　on　the　other　side　of　the　Atlantic。

〃Do　you　want　to　know；〃　I　asked　one　of　them；　〃whether　I　am　a　polygamist？〃

〃No；　sir；〃　he　said　very　quietly。

〃Would　you　like　me　to　tell　you　whether　I　am　fundamentally　opposed　to　any　and　every　system　of　government？〃

The　man　seemed　mystified。　〃No；　sir；〃　he　said。　〃I　don't　know　that　I　would。〃

〃Don't　you　care？〃　I　asked。

〃Well；　not　particularly；　sir；〃　he　answered。

I　was　determined　to　arouse　him　from　his　lethargy。

〃Let　me　tell　you；　then；〃　I　said；　〃that　I　am　an　anarchistic　polygamist；　that　I　am　opposed　to　all　forms　of　government；　that　I　object　to　any　kind　of　revealed　religion；　that　I　regard　the　state　and　property　and　marriage　as　the　mere　tyranny　of　the　bourgeoisie；　and　that　I　want　to　see　class　hatred　carried　to　the　point　where　it　forces　every　one　into　brotherly　love。　Now；　do　I　get　in　？〃

The　official　looked　puzzled　for　a　minute。　〃You　are　not　Irish；　are　you；　sir？〃　he　said。

〃No。〃

〃Then　I　think　you　can　come　in　all　right。〃　he　answered。

The　journey　from　Liverpool　to　London；　like　all　other　English　journeys；　is　short。　This　is　due　to　the　fact　that　England　is　a　small　country：　it　contains　only　50；000　square　miles；　whereas　the　United　States；　as　every　one　knows；　contains　three　and　a　half　billion。　I　mentioned　this　fact　to　an　English　fellow　passenger　on　the　train；　together　with　a　provisional　estimate　of　the　American　corn　crop　for　1922：　but　he　only　drew　his　rug　about　his　knees；　took　a　sip　of　brandy　from　his　travelling　flask；　and　sank　into　a　state　resembling　death。　I　contented　myself　with　jotting　down　an　impression　of　incivility　and　paid　no　further　attention　to　my　fellow　traveller　other　than　to　read　the　labels　on　his　lug　gage　and　to　peruse　the　headings　of　his　newspaper　by　peeping　over　his　shoulder。

It　was　my　first　experience　of　travelling　with　a　fellow　passenger　in　a　compartment　of　an　English　train；　and　I　admit　now　that　I　was　as　y