my discovery of england-第15章

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OUSE　CONGRESSMAN　BLOWS　OUT　BRAINS　IN　HOTEL。　After　the　heading　HOME　AND　GENERAL　INTELLIGENCE　the　English　paper　runs　the　subheading　INCIDENT　AT　THE　GRAND　HOTEL。　The　reader　still　doesn't　know　what　happened；　he　isn't　meant　to。　Then　the　article　begins　like　this：

〃The　Grand　Hotel；　which　is　situated　at　the　corner　of　Millbank　and　Victoria　Streets；　was　the　scene　last　night　of　a　distressing　incident。〃

〃What　is　it？〃　thinks　the　reader。　　〃The　hotel　itself；　which　is　an　old　Georgian　structure　dating　probably　from　about　1750；　is　a　quiet　establishment；　its　clientele　mainly　drawn　from　business　men　in　the　cattle…droving　and　distillery　business　from　South　Wales。〃

〃What　happened？〃　thinks　the　reader。

〃Its　cuisine　has　long　been　famous　for　the　excellence　of　its　boiled　shrimps。〃

〃What　happened？〃

〃While　the　hotel　itself　is　also　known　as　the　meeting　place　of　the　Surbiton　Harmonic　Society　and　other　associations。〃

〃What　happened？〃

〃Among　the　more　prominent　of　the　guests　of　the　hotel　has　been　numbered　during　the　present　Parliamentary　session　Mr。　Llewylln　Ap。　Jones；　M。P。；　for　South　Llanfydd。　Mr。　Jones　apparently　came　to　his　room　last　night　at　about　ten　P。M。；　and　put　on　his　carpet　slippers　and　his　blue　dressing　gown。　He　then　seems　to　have　gone　to　the　cupboard　and　taken　from　it　a　whisky　bottle　which　however　proved　to　be　empty。　The　unhappy　gentleman　then　apparently　went　to　bed　。　。　。〃

At　that　point　the　American　reader　probably　stops　reading；　thinking　that　he　has　heard　it　all。　The　unhappy　man　found　that　the　bottle　was　empty　and　went　to　bed：　very　natural：　and　the　affair　very　properly　called　a　〃distressing　incident〃：　quite　right。　But　the　trained　English　reader　would　know　that　there　was　more　to　come　and　that　the　air　of　quiet　was　only　assumed；　and　he　would　read　on　and　on　until　at　last　the　tragic　interest　heightened；　the　four　shots　were　fired；　with　a　good　long　pause　after　each　for　discussion　of　the　path　of　the　bullet　through　Mr。　Ap。　Jones。

I　am　not　saying　that　either　the　American　way　or　the　British　way　is　the　better。　They　are　just　two　different　ways；　that's　all。　But　the　result　is　that　anybody　from　the　United　States　or　Canada　reading　the　English　papers　gets　the　impression　that　nothing　is　happening：　and　an　English　reader　of　our　newspapers　with　us　gets　the　idea　that　the　whole　place　is　in　a　tumult。

When　I　was　in　London　I　used　always；　in　glancing　at　the　morning　papers；　to　get　a　first　impression　that　the　whole　world　was　almost　asleep。　There　was；　for　example；　a　heading　called　INDIAN　INTELLIGENCE　that　showed；　on　close　examination；　that　two　thousand　Parsees　had　died　of　the　blue　plague；　that　a　powder　boat　had　blown　up　at　Bombay；　that　some　one　had　thrown　a　couple　of　bombs　at　one　of　the　provincial　governors；　and　that　four　thousand　agitators　had　been　sentenced　to　twenty　years　hard　labour　each。　But　the　whole　thing　was　just　called　〃Indian　Intelligence。〃　Similarly；　there　was　a　little　item　called；　〃Our　Chinese　Correspondent。〃　That　one　explained　ten　lines　down；　in　very　small　type；　that　a　hundred　thousand　Chinese　had　been　drowned　in　a　flood。　And　there　was　another　little　item　labelled　〃Foreign　Gossip；〃　under　which　was　mentioned　that　the　Pope　was　dead；　and　that　the　President　of　Paraguay　had　been　assassinated。

In　short；　I　got　the　impression　that　I　was　living　in　an　easy　drowsy　world；　as　no　doubt　the　editor　meant　me　to。　It　was　only　when　the　Montreal　Star　arrived　by　post　that　I　felt　that　the　world　was　still　revolving　pretty　rapidly　on　its　axis　and　that　there　was　still　something　doing。

As　with　the　world　news　so　it　is　with　the　minor　events　of　ordinary　life；birth；　death；　marriage；　accidents；　crime。　Let　me　give　an　illustration。　Suppose　that　in　a　suburb　of　London　a　housemaid　has　endeavoured　to　poison　her　employer's　family　by　putting　a　drug　in　the　coffee。　Now　on　our　side　of　the　water　we　should　write　that　little　incident　up　in　a　way　to　give　it　life；　and　put　headings　over　it　that　would　capture　the　reader's　attention　in　a　minute。　We　should　begin　it　thus：

　　　　PRETTY　PARLOR　MAID　　　　　　　　DEALS　DEATH…DRINK　　　　　　　　　　　　TO　CLUBMAN'S　FAMILY

The　English　reader　would　ask　at　once；　how　do　we　know　that　the　parlor　maid　is　pretty？　We　don't。　But　our　artistic　sense　tells　us　that　she　ought　to　be。　Pretty　parlor　maids　are　the　only　ones　we　take　any　interest　in：　if　an　ugly　parlor　maid　poisoned　her　employer's　family　we　should　hang　her。　Then　again；　the　English　reader　would　say；　how　do　we　know　that　the　man　is　a　clubman？　Have　we　ascertained　this　fact　definitely；　and　if　so；　of　what　club　or　clubs　is　he　a　member？　Well；　we　don't　know；　except　in　so　far　as　the　thing　is　self…evident。　Any　man　who　has　romance　enough　in　his　life　to　be　poisoned　by　a　pretty　housemaid　ought　to　be　in　a　club。　That's　the　place　for　him。　In　fact；　with　us　the　word　club　man　doesn't　necessarily　mean　a　man　who　belongs　to　a　club：　it　is　defined　as　a　man　who　is　arrested　in　a　gambling　den；　or　fined　for　speeding　a　motor　or　who　shoots　another　person　in　a　hotel　corridor。　Therefore　this　man　must　be　a　club　man。　Having　settled　the　heading；　we　go　on　with　the　text：

〃Brooding　over　love　troubles　which　she　has　hitherto　refused　to　divulge　under　the　most　grilling　fusillade　of　rapid…fire　questions　shot　at　her　by　the　best　brains　of　the　New　York　police　force；　Miss　Mary　De　Forrest；　a　handsome　brunette　thirty…six　inches　around　the　hips；　employed　as　a　parlor　maid　in　the　residence　of　Mr。　Spudd　Bung；　a　well…known　clubman　forty…two　inches　around　the　chest；　was　arrested　yesterday　by　the　flying　squad　of　the　emergency　police　after　having；　so　it　is　alleged；　put　four　ounces　of　alleged　picrate　of　potash　into　the　alleged　coffee　of　her　employer's　family's　alleged　breakfast　at　their　residence　on　Hudson　Heights　in　the　most　fashionable　quarter　of　the　metropolis。　Dr。　Slink；　the　leading　fashionable　practitioner　of　the　neighbourhood　who　was　immediately　summoned　said　that　but　for　his　own　extraordinary　dexterity　and　promptness　the　death　of　the　whole　family；　if　not　of　the　entire　entourage；　was　a　certainty。　The　magistrate　in　committing　Miss　De　Forrest　for　trial　took　occasion　to　enlarge　upon　her　youth　and　attractive　appearance：　he　castigated　the　moving　pictures　severely　and　said　that　he　held　them　together　with　the　public　school　system　and　the　present　method　of　doing　the　hair；　directly　responsible　for　the　crimes　of　the　kind　alleged。〃

Now　when　you　read　this　over　you　begin　to　feel　that　something　big　has　happened。　Here　is　a　man　like　Dr。　Slink；　all　quivering　with　promptness　and　dexterity。　Here　is　an　inserted　picture；　a　photograph；　a　brick　house　in　a　row　marked　with　a　cross　（＋）　and　labelled　〃The　Bung　Residence　as。　it　appeared　immediately　after　the　alleged　outrage。〃　It　isn't　really。　It　is　just　a　photograph　that　we　use　for　this　sort　of　thing　and　have　grown　to　like。　It　is　called　sometimes：〃Residence　of　Senator　Borah〃　or　〃Scene　of　the　Recent　Spiritualistic　Manifestations〃　or　anything　of　the　sort。　As　long　as　it　is　marked　with　a　cross　（＋）　the　reader　will　look　at　it　with　interest。

In　other　words　we　make　something　out　of　an　occurrence　like　this。　It　doesn't　matter　if　it　all　fades　out　afterwards　when　it　appears　that　Mary　De　Forrest　merely　put　ground　allspice　into　the　coffee　in　mistake　for　powdered　sugar　and　that　the　family　didn't　drink　it　anyway。　The　reader　has　already　turned　to　other　mysteries。

But　contrast　the　pitifully　tame　way　in　which　the　same　event　is　written　up　in　England。　Here　it　is：

SUBURBAN　ITEM

〃Yesterday　at　the　police　court　of　Surbiton…on…Thames　Mary　Forrester；　a　servant　in　the　employ　of　Mr。　S。　Bung　was　taken　into　custody　on　a　charge　of　having　put　a　noxious　preparation；　possibly　poison；　into　the　coffee　of　her　employer's　family。　The　young　woman　was　remanded　for　a　week。〃

Look　at　that。　Mary　Forrester　a　servant？

How　wide　was　she　round　the　chest？　It　doesn't　say。　Mr。　S。　Bung？　Of　what　club　was　he　a　member？　None；　apparently。　Then　who　cares　if　he　is　poisoned？　And　〃the　young　woman！〃　What　a　way　to　speak　of　a　decent　girl　who　never　did　any　other　harm　than　to　poison　a　club　man。　And　the　English　magistrate！　What　a　tame　part　he　must　have　played：　his　name　indeed　doesn't　occur　at　all：　apparently　he　didn't　enlarge　on　the　girl's　good　looks；　or　〃comment　on　her　attractive　appearance；〃　or　anything。　I　don't　suppose　that　he　even　asked　Mary　Forrester　out　to　lunch　with　him。

Not