the story of my heart-第2章
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distant sea； I saw as if with actual vision the palms and
cocoanut trees； the bamboos of India； and the cedars of the extreme south。
Like a lake with islands the ocean lay before me； as clear and vivid as the
plain beneath in the midst of the amphitheatre of hills。
With the glory of the great sea； I said； with the firm； solid；
and sustaining earth； the depth； distance； and expanse of ether；
the age； tamelessness； and ceaseless motion of the ocean； the
stars； and the unknown in space； by all those things which are
most powerful known to me； and by those which exist； but of which I have no
idea whatever； I pray。 Further； by my own soul； that secret existence which
above all other things bears the nearest resemblance to the ideal of spirit；
infinitely nearer than earth； sun； or star。 Speaking by an inclination
towards； not in words； my soul prays that I may have something from each of
these； that I may gather a flower from them； that I may have in myself the
secret and meaning of the earth； the golden sun； the light； the foam…flecked
sea。 Let my soul become enlarged； I am not enough ； I am little and
contemptible。 I desire a great…ness of soul； an irradiance of mind； a
deeper insight； a broader
hope。 Give me power of soul； so that I may actually effect by
its will that which I strive for。
In winter； though I could not then rest on the grass； or stay
long enough to form any definite expression； I still went up to the hill
once now and then； for it seemed that to merely visit the spot repeated all
that I had previously said。 But it was not only then。
In summer I went out into the fields； and let my soul inspire
these thoughts under the trees； standing against the trunk； or looking up
through the branches at the sky。 If trees could speak； hundreds of them
would say that I had had these soul…emotions under them。 Leaning against the
oak's massive
trunk； and feeling the rough bark and the lichen at my back； looking
southwards over the grassy fields； cowslip…yellow； at the woods on the
slope； I thought my desire of deeper soul…life。 Or under the green firs；
looking upwards； the sky was more deeply blue at their tops； then the brake
fern was unroll…
ing； the doves cooing； the thickets astir； the late ash…leaves
coming forth。 Under the shapely rounded elms； by the hawthorn bushes and
hazel； everywhere the same deep desire for the soul…nature； to have from all
green things and from the sunlight the inner meaning which was not known to
them； that I might be full of light as the woods of the sun's rays。 Just to
touch the lichened bark of a tree； or the end of a spray projecting
over the path as I walked； seemed to repeat
the same prayer in me。
The long…lived summer days dried and warmed the turf in the meadows。 I used
to lie down in solitary corners at full length on my back； so as to feel the
embrace of the earth。 The grass stood high above me； and the shadows of the
tree…branches danced on my face。 I looked up at the sky； with halfclosed
eyes to bear the dazzling light。 Bees buzzed over me； sometimes a butterfly
passed；
there was a hum in the air； greenfinches sang in the hedge。 Gradually
entering into the intense life of the summer daysa life which burned
around as if every grass blade and leaf were a torchI came to feel the
longdrawn life of the earth back into the dimmest past； while the sun of the
moment was warm on me。 Sesostris on the most ancient sands of the south；in
ancient； ancient days； was conscious of himself and of the sun。 This
sunlight linked me through the ages to that past consciousness。 From all
the ages my soul desired to take that soul…life which had flowed through
them as the sunbeams had continually poured on earth。 As the hot sands take
up the heat； so would I take up that soul…energy。 Dreamy in appearance； I
was breathing full of
existence； I was aware of the grass blades； the flowers； the leaves on hawth
orn and tree。 I seemed to live more largely through them； as if each were a
pore through which I drank。
The grasshoppers called and leaped； the greenfinches
sang； the blackbirds happily fluted； all the air hummed with
life。 I was plunged deep in existence； and with all that
existence I prayed。
Through every grass blade in the thousand； thousand grasses；
through the million leaves； veined and edge…cut； on bush and
tree； through the song…notes and the marked feathers of the
birds； through the insects' hum and the colour of the butterflies； through
the soft warm air； the flecks of clouds
dissolvingI used them all for prayer。 With all the energy the
sunbeams had poured unwearied on the earth since Sesostris was
conscious of them on the ancient sands； with all the life that
had been lived by vigorous man and beauteous woman since first
in dearest Greece the dream of the gods was woven； with all the
soul…life that had flowed a long stream down to me； I prayed
that I might have a soul more than equal to； far beyond my conception of；
these things of the past； the present； and the fulness of all life。 Not
only equal to these； but beyond； higher； and more powerful than I could
imagine。 That I might take from all their energy； grandeur； and beauty； and
gather it into me。 That my soul might be more than the cosmos of
life。
I prayed with the glowing clouds of sun…set and the soft light of the first
star coming through the violet sky。 At night with the stars； according to
the season ： now with the Pleiades； now with the Swan or burning Sirius； and
broad Orion's whole
constellation； red Aldebaran； Arcturus； and the Northern Crown；
with the morning star； the lightbringer； once now and then when
I saw it； a white…gold ball in the violet…purple sky； or framed
about with pale summer vapour floating away as red streaks shot
horizontally in the east。 A diffused saffron ascended into
the luminous upper azure。 The disk of the sun rose over the
hill； fluctuating with throbs of light； his chest heaved in
fervour of brilliance。 All the glory of the sunrise filled me with broader
and furnace…like vehemence of prayer。 That I might have the deepest of
soul…life； the deepest of all； deeper far than all this greatness of the
visible universe and even of the invisible； that I might have a fulness of
soul till now unknown； and utterly beyond my own conception。
In the deepest darkness of the night the same thought rose in my
mind as in the bright light of noontide。 What is there which I
have not used to strengthen the same emotion？
CHAPTER II
SOMETIMES I went to a deep； narrow valleyin the hills； silent and solitary。
The sky crossed from side to side； like a roof supported on two walls of
green。 Sparrows chirped in the wheat at the verge above； their calls
falling like the twittering of swallows from the air。 There was no other
sound。 The short grass was dried grey as it grew by the heat； the sun hung
over the narrow vale as if it had been put there by hand。 Burning； burning；
the sun glowed on the sward at the footof the slope where these thoughts
burned into me。 How many； many years； how many cycles of years； how many
bundles ofcycles of years； had the sun glowed down thus on that hollow？
Since it was formed how long？ Since it was worn and shaped；groove…like； in
the flanks of the hills by mighty forces which had ebbed。 Alone with the
sun which glowed on the work when it was done； I saw back through space to
the old time of tree…ferns； of the lizard
flying through the air； the lizard…dragon wallowing in sea foam； the
mountainous creatures； twice…elephantine； feeding on land； all the crooked
sequence of life。 The dragon…fly which passed me traced a continuous
descent from the fly marked on stone in those days。 The immense time lifted
me like a wave rolling under a boat； my mind seemed to raise itself as the
swell of the cycles came； it felt strongwith the power of the ages。 With
all thattime and power I prayed： that I might have in my soul the
intellectual part of it； theidea； the thought。 Like a shuttle the mind shot
to and fro the past and the present； in an instant。
Full to the brim of the wondrous past； I felt the wondrous
present。 For the daythe very moment I breathed；
