the story of my heart-第13章

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up　a　piece　of　clod　and　crumbled　it　in　my　fingersit　was　a　joy　to　touch
itI　held　my　hand　so　that　I　could　see　the　sunlight　gleam　on　the　slightly
moist　surface　of　the　skin。　The　earth　and　sunwere　to　me　like　my　flesh　and
blood；　and　the　air　of　the　sea
life。

With　all　the　greater　existence　I　drew　from　them　I　prayed　for　a
bodily　life　equal　to　it；　for　a　soul…life　beyond　my　thought；　for
my　inexpressible　desire　of　more　than　I　could　shape　even　into
idea。　There　was　something　higher　than　idea；　invisible　to
thought　as　air　to　the　eye；　give　me　bodily　life　equal　in　fulness
to　the　strength　of　earth；　and　sun；　and　sea；　give　me　the　soul…
life　of　my　desire。　Once　more　I　went　down　to　the　sea；　touched
it；　and　said　farewell。　So　deep　was　the　inhalation　of　this　life
that　day；　that　it　seemed　to　remain　in　me　for　years。　This　was　a
real　pilgrimage。

Time　passed　away；　with　more　labour；　pleasure；　and　again　at　last；　after　much
pain　and　wearinesss　of　mind；　I　came　down　again　to　the　sea。　The　circumstances
were　changedit　was　not　a　hurried　glancethere　were　opportunities　for
longer　thought。　It　mattered　scarcely　anything　to　me　now　whether　I　was　alone；
or　whether　houses　and　other　people　were　near。　Nothing　could　disturb　my
inner　vision。　By　the　sea；　aware　of　the　sun　overhead；　and　the
blue　heaven；　I　feel　that　there　is　nothing　between　me　and　space。
This　is　the　verge　of　a　gulf；　and　a　tangent　from　my　feet　goes
straight　unchecked　into　the　unnknown。　It　is　the　edge　of　the　abyss　as　much　as
if　the　earth　were　cut　away　in　a　sheer　fall　of
eight　thousand　miles　to　the　sky　beneath；　thence　a　hollow　to　the
stars。　Looking　straight　out　is　looking　straight　down；　the　eye…
glance　gradually　departs　from　the　sea…level；　and；　rising　as　that
falls；　enters　the　hollow　of　heaven。　It　is　gazing　along　the　face
of　a　vast　precipice　into　the　hollow　space　which　is　nameless。

There　mystery　has　been　placed；　but　realising　the　vast　hollow
yonder　makes　me　feel　that　the　mystery　is　here。　I；　who　am　here
on　the　verge；　standing　on　the　margin　of　the　sky；　am　in　the　mystery　itself。
If　I　let　my　eye　look　back　upon　me　from　the　extreme　opposite　of　heaven；　then
this　spot　where　I　stand　is　in　the　centre　of　the　hollow。　Alone　with　the　sea
and　sky；　I　presently　feel　all　the　depth　and　wonder　of　the　unknown　come　back
surging　up　around；　and　touching　me　as　the　foam　runs　to　my　feet。　I　am　in　it
now；　not　to…morrow；　this　moment；　I　cannot　escape　from　it。　Though　I　may
deceive　myself　with　labour；　yet　still　I　am　in　it；　in　sleep　too。　There　is　no
escape　from　this　immensity。

Feeling　this　by　the　sea；　under　the　sun；　my　life　enlarges　and
quickens；　striving　to　take　to　itself　the　largeness　of　the　heaven。　The　frame
cannot　expand；　but　the　soul　is　able　to　stand
before　it。　No　giant's　body　could　be　in　proportion　to　the　earth；
but　a　little　spirit　is　equal　to　the　entire　cosmos；　to　earth　and
ocean；　sun　and　star…hollow。　These　are　but　a　few　acres　to　it。
Were　the　cosmos　twice　as　wide；　the　soul　could　run　over　it；
and　return　to　itself　in　a　time　so　small；　no　measure　exists　to　mete　it。
Therefore；　I　think　the　soul　may　sometimes　find　out　an　existence　as　superior
as　my　mind　is　to　the　dead　chalk　cliff。

With　the　great　sun　burning　over　the　foamflaked　sea；　roofed　with
heavenaware　of　myself；　a　consciousness　forced　on　me　by　these
thingsI　feel　that　thought　must　yet　grow　larger　and　correspond
in　magnitude　of　conception　to　these。　But　these　cannot　content
me；　these　Titanic　things　of　sea；　and　sun；　and　profundity；　I　feel
that　my　thought　is　stronger　than　they　are。　I　burn　life　like　a
torch。　The　hot　light　shot　back　from　the　sea　scorches　my　cheek
my　life　is　burning　in　me。　The　soul　throbs　like　the　sea　for　a
larger　life。　No　thought　which　I　have　ever　had　has　satisfied　my
soul。

CHAPTER　VII

MY　strength　is　not　enough　to　fulfil　my　desire；　if　I　had　the　strength　of　the
ocean；and　of　the　earth；　the　burning　vigour　of　the　sun　implanted　in　my　limbs；
it　would　hardly　suffice　to　gratify　the　measureless　desire　of　life　which
possesses　me。　I　have　often　walked　the　day　long　over　the　sward；　and；
compelled
to　pause；　at　length；　in　my　weariness；　I　was　full　of　the　same　eagerness　with
which　I　started。　The　sinews　would　obey　no　longer；
but　the　will　was　the　same。　My　frame　could　never　take　the　violent　exertion　my
heart　demanded。　Labour　of　body　was　like　meat
and　drink　to　me。　Over　the　open　hills；　up　the　steep　ascents；　mile　after　mile；
there　was　deep　enjoyment　in　the　long…drawn　breath；
the　spring　of　the　foot；　in　the　act　of　rapid　movement。　　Never　have　I　had
enough　of　it；　I　wearied　long　before　I　was　satisfied；
and　weariness　did　not　bring　a　cessation　of　desire；　the　thirst　was　still
there。　I　rowed；　I　used　the　axe；　I　split　tree…trunks　with　wedges；　my　arms
tired；　but　my　spirit　remained　fresh　and　chafed　against　the　physical
weariness。　My　arms　were　not
strong　enough　to　satisfy　me　with　the　axe；　or　wedges；　or　oars。　There　was
delight　in　the　moment；　but　it　was　not　enough。　I　swam；
and　what　is　more　delicious　than　swimming？　It　is　exercise　and　luxury　at　once。
But　I　could　not　swim　far　enough；　I　was　always　dissatisfied　with　myself　on
leaving　the　water。
Nature　has　not　given　me　a　great　frame；　and　had　it　done　so　I　should　still
have　longed　for　more。　I　was　out　of　doors　all　day；　and　often　half　the　night；
still　I　wanted　more　sunshine；　more　air；　the　hours　were　too　short。　I　feel
this　even　more　now　than　in　the　violence　of　early　youth：　the　hours　are　too
short；　the　day　should　be　sixty　hours　long。　　Slumber；　too；　is　abbreviated　and
restricted；　forty　hours　of　night　and　sleep　would　not　be　too　much。　So　little
can　be　accomplished　in　the　longest　summer　day；　so　little　rest　and　new　force
is　accumulated　in　a　short　eight　hours　of　sleep。

I　live　by　the　sea　now；　I　can　see　nothing　of　it　in　a　day；　why；　I
do　but　get　a　breath　of　it；　and　the　sun　sinks　before　I　have　well
begun　to　think。　Life　is　so　little　and　so　mean。　I　dream　sometimes　backwards
of　the　ancient　times。　If　I　could　have　the　bow　of　Ninus；　and　the　earth　full
of　wild　bulls　and　lions；　to　hunt　them　down；　there　would　be　rest　in　that。　To
shoot　with　a　gun　is　nothing；　a　mere　touch　discharges　it。　Give　me　a　bow；　that
I　may　enjoy　the　delight　of　feeling　myself　draw　the　string　and
the　strong　wood　bending；　that　I　may　see　the　rush　of　the　arrow；　and　the　broad
head　bury　itself　deep　in　shaggy　hide。　Give　me　an　iron　mace　that　I　may　crush
the　savage　beast　and　hammer　him　down。　A　spear　to　thrust　through　with；　so
that　I　may　feel　the　long　blade　enter　and　the　push　of　the　shaft。　The
unwearied　strength　of　Ninus　to　hunt　unceasingly　in　the　fierce　sun。　Still　I
should　desire　greater　strength　and　a　stouter　bow；　wilder　creatures　to
combat。　The　intense　life　of　the　senses；　there　is　never　enough　for　them。　I
envy　Semiramis；　I　would　have　been　ten　times　Semiramis。　I　envy　Nero；　because
of　the　great　concourse　of　beauty　he　saw。　I　should　like　to　be　loved　by　every
beautiful　woman　on　earth；　from　the　swart　Nubian　to　the　white　and　divine
Greek。

Wine　is　pleasant　and　meat　refreshing；　but　though　I　own　with
absolute　honesty　that　I　like　them；　these　are　the　least　of　all。
Of　these　two　only　have　I　ever　had　enough。　The　vehemence　of　exertion；　the
vehemence　of　the　spear；　the　vehemence　of　sunlight　and　life；　the　insatiate
desire　of　insatiate　Semiramis；　the　still　more　insatiate　desire　of　love；
divine　and　beautiful；　the　uncontrollable　adoration　of　beauty；　thesethese：
give　me　these　in　greater　abundance　than　was　ever　known　to　man　or　woman。　The
strength　of　Hercules；　the　fulness　of　the　senses；　the　richness　of　life；　would
not　in　the　least　impair　my　desire　of　soul…life。　On　the　reverse；　with　every
stronger　beat　of　the　pulse　my　desire　of　soul…life　would　expand。　So　it　has
ever　been　with　me；　in　hard　exercise；　in　sensuous　pleasure；　in　the　embrace　of
the　sunlight；
even　in　the　drinking　of　a　glass　of　wine；　my　heart　has　been　lifted　the　higher
towards　perfection　of　soul。　Fulness　of　physical　life　causes　a　deeper　desire
of　soul…life。

Let　me　be　physically　perfect；　in　shape；　vigour；　and　movement。
My　frame；　naturally　slender；　will　not　respond　to　labour；　and　increase　in
proportion　to　effort；　nor　will　exposure　harden　a
delicate　skin。　It　disappoints　me　so　far；　but　my　spirit　rises　with　the
effort；　and　my　thought　opens。　This　is　the　only　profit　of　frost；　the　ple