the story of my heart-第12章

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universe；　and　beyond　these　the　sense　of　the　eternal　now；　of　the
immortal。　Full　well　aware　that　all　has　failed；　yet；　side　by
side　with　the　sadness　of　that　knowledge；　there　lives　on　in　me　an
unquenchable　belief；　thought　burning　like　the　sun；　that　there　is　yet
something　to　be　found；　something　real；　something　to　give　each　separate
personality　sunshine　and　flowers　in　its　own　existence　now。　Something　to
shape　this　million…handed　labour　to　an　end　and　outcome；　leaving　accumulated
sunshine　and　flowers　to　those　who　shall　succeed。　It　must　be　dragged　forth　by
might　of　thought　from　the　immense　forces　of　the　universe。

To　prepare　for　such　an　effort；　first　the　mind　must　be　cleared　of
the　conceit　that；　because　we　live　to…day；　we　are　wiser　than　the
ages　gone。　The　mind　must　acknowledge　its　ignorance；　all　the
learning　and　lore　of　so　many　eras　must　be　erased　from　it　as　an
encumbrance。　It　is　not　from　past　or　present　knowledge；　science
or　faith；　that　it　is　to　be　drawn。　Erase　these　altogether　as　they　are　erased
under　the　fierce　heat　of　the　focus　before　me。　Begin　wholly　afresh。　Go
straight　to　the　sun；　the　immense　forces　of　the　universe；　to　the　Entity
unknown；　go　higher　than　a　god；　deeper　than　prayer；　and　open　a　new　day。　That
I　might　but　have　a　fragment　of　Caesar's　intellect　to　find　a　fragment　of　this
desire！

》From　my　home　near　London　I　made　a　pilgrimage　almost　daily　to　an
aspen　by　a　brook。　It　was　a　mile　and　a　quarter　along　the　road；
far　enough　for　me　to　walk　off　the　concentration　of　mind
necessary　for　work。　The　idea　of　the　pilgrimage　was　to　get　away
from　the　endless　and　nameless　circumstances　of　everyday
existence；　which　by　degrees　build　a　wall　about　the　mind　so　that
it　travels　in　a　constantly　narrowing　circle。　This　tether　of　the
faculties　tends　to　make　them　accept　present　knowledge；　and
present　things；　as　all　that　can　be　attained　to。　This　is　all
there　is　nothing　moreis　the　iterated　preaching　of　house…life。
Remain；　becontent；　go　round　and　round　in　one　barren　path；　a
little　money；　a　little　food　and　sleep；　some　ancient　fables；
old　age　and　death。　Of　all　the　inventions　of　casuistry　with　man　for　ages　has
in　various　ways　which　manacled　himself；　and　stayed　his　own　advance；　there　is
none　equally　potent　with　the　supposition　that　nothing　more　is　possible。　Once
well　impress　on　the　mind　that　it　has　already　all；　that　advance　is　impossible
because　there　is　nothing　further；　and　it　is　chained　like　a　horse　to　an　iron
pin　in　the　ground。　It　is　the　most　deadlythe　most　fatal　poison　of　the　mind。
No　such　casuistry　has　ever　for　a　moment　held　me；　but　still；　if　permitted；
the　constant　routine　of　house…life；　the　same　work；　the　same　thought　in　the
work；　the　little　circumstances　regularly　recurring；　will　dull　the　keenest
edge　of　thought。　By　my　daily　pilgrimage；　I　escaped　from　it　back　to　the　sun。

In　summer　the　leaves　of　the　aspen　rustled　pleasantly；　there　was
the　tinkle　of　falling　water　over　a　hatch；　thrushes　sang　and
blackbirds　whistled；　greenfinches　laughed　in　their　talk　to　each
other。　The　commonplace　dusty　road　was　commonplace　no　longer。
In　the　dust　was　the　mark　of　the　chaffinches'　little　feet；　the
white　light　rendered　even　the　dust　brighter　to　look　on。　The　air
came　from　the　south…westthere　were　distant　hills　in　that
directionover　fields　of　grass　and　corn。　As　I　visited　the　spot
from　day　to　day　the　wheat　grew　from　green　to　yellow；　the　wild
roses　flowered；　the　scarlet　poppies　appeared；　and　again　the
beeches　reddened　in　autumn。　In　the　march　of　time　there　fell
away　from　my　mind；　as　the　leaves　from　the　trees　in　autumn；　the
last　traces　and　relics　of　superstitions　and　traditions　acquired
compulsorily　in　childhood。　Always　feebly　adhering；　they　finally
disappeared。

There　fell　away；　too；　personal　bias　and　prejudices；　enabling　me
to　see　clearer　and　with　wider　sympathies。　　The　glamour　of
modern　science　and　discoveries　faded　away；　for　I　found　them　no
more　than　the　first　potter's　wheel。　Erasure　and　reception
proceeded　together；　the　past　accumulations　of　casuistry　were
erased；　and　my　thought　widened　to　receive　the　idea　of　something
beyond　all　previous　ideas。　With　disbelief；　belief　increased。
The　aspiration　and　hope；　the　prayer；　was　the　same　as　that　which
I　felt　years　before　on　the　hills；　only　it　now　broadened。

Experience　of　life；　instead　of　curtailing　and　checking　my　prayer；　led　me　to
reject　experience　altogether。　As　well　might
the　horse　believe　that　the　road　the　bridle　forces　it　to　traverse
every　day　encircles　the　earth　as　I　believe　in　experience。　All
the　experience　of　the　greatest　city　in　the　world　could　not
withhold　me。　I　rejected　it　wholly。　I　stood　bare…headed　before
the　sun；　in　the　presence　of　the　earth　and　air；　in　the　presence
of　the　immense　forces　of　the　universe。　I　demand　that　which　will　make　me　more
perfect　now；　this　hour。　London　convinced　me　of　my　own　thought。　That　thought
has　always　been　with　me；　and　always　grows　wider。

One　midsummer　I　went　out　of　the　road　into　the　fields；　and　sat
down　on　the　grass　between　the　yellowing　wheat　and　the　green
hawthorn　bushes。　The　sun　burned　in　the　sky；　the　wheat　was　full
of　a　luxuriant　sense　of　growth；　the　grass　high；　the　earth　giving
its　vigour　to　tree　and　leaf；　the　heaven　blue。　The　vigour　and
growth；　the　warmth　and　light；　the　beauty　and　richness　of　it
entered　into　me；　an　ecstasy　of　soul　accompanied　the　delicate
excitement　of　the　senses：　the　soul　rose　with　the　body。　Rapt　in
the　fulness　of　the　moment；　I　prayed　there　with　all　that
expansion　of　mind　and　frame；　no　words；　no　definition；
inexpressible　desire　of　physical　life；　of　soul…life；　equal　to
and　beyond　the　highest　imagining　of　my　heart。

These　memories　cannot　be　placed　in　exact　chronological　order。
There　was　a　time　when　a　weary　restlessness　came　upon　me；　perhaps　from
too…long…continued　labour。　It　was　like　a　droughta　moral　droughtas　if　I
had　been　absent　for　many　years　from　the　sources　of　life　and　hope。　The　inner
nature　was　faint；　all　was　dry　and　tasteless；　I　was　weary　for　the　pure；　fresh
springs　of　thought。　Some　instinctive　feeling　uncontrollable　drove　me　to　the
sea；　I　was　so　under　its　influence　that　I　could　not　arrange　the　journey　so　as
to　get　the　longest　day。　I　merely　started；　and　of　course　had　to　wait　and
endure　much　inconvenience。　To　get　to　the　sea　at　some　quiet　spot　was　my　one
thought；　to　do　so　I　had　to　travel　farther；　and　from　want　of　prearrangement
it　was　between　two　and　three　in　the　afternoon　before　I　reached　the　end　of　my
journey。　Even　then；　being　too　much　preoccupied　to　inquire　the　way；　I　missed
the　road　and　had　to　walk　a　long　distance　before　coming　to　the　shore。　But　I
found　the　sea　at　last；　I　walked　beside　it　in　a　trance　away　from　the　houses
out　into　the　wheat。　　he　ripe　corn　stood　up　to　the　beach；　the　waves　on　one
side　of　the　shingle；　and　the　yellow　wheat　on　the　other。

There；　alone；　I　went　down　to　the　sea。　I　stood　where　the　foam
came　to　my　feet；　and　looked　out　over　the　sunlit　waters。　The
great　earth　bearing　the　richness　of　the　harvest；　and　its　hills
golden　with　corn；　was　at　my　back；　its　strength　and　firmness
under　me。　The　great　sun　shone　above；　the　wide　sea　was　before
me；　the　wind　came　sweet　and　strong　from　the　waves。　The　life　of
the　earth　and　the　sea；　the　glow　of　the　sun　filled　me；　I　touched
the　surge　with　my　hand；　I　lifted　my　face　to　the　sun；　I　opened　my
lips　to　the　wind。　I　prayed　aloud　in　the　roar　of　the　wavesmy
soul　was　strong　as　the　sea　and　prayed　with　the　sea's　might。　Give　me　fulness
of　life　like　to　the　sea　and　the　sun；　to　the　earth　and　the　air；　give　me
fulness　of　physical　life；　mind　equal　and　beyond　their　fulness；　give　me　a
greatness　and　perfection　of　soul　higher　than　all　things；　give　me　my
inexpressible　desire　which　swells　in　me　like　a　tidegive　it　to　me　with　all
the　force　of　the　sea。

Then　I　rested；　sitting　by　the　wheat；　the　bank　of　beach　was
between　me　and　the　sea；　but　the　waves　beat　against　it；　the　sea
was　there；　the　sea　was　present　and　at　hand。　By　the　dry　wheat　I
rested；　I　did　not　think；　I　was　inhaling　the　richness　of　the　sea；
all　the　strength　and　depth　of　meaning　of　the　sea　and　earth　came
to　me　again。　I　rubbed　out　some　of　the　wheat　in　my　hands；　I　took
up　a　piece　of　clod　and　crumbled　it　in　my　fingersit　was　a　joy　to　touch
itI　held　my　hand　so　that　I