the story of my heart-第1章

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The　Story　of　My　Heart

by　Richard　Jefferies

AN　AUTOBIOGRAPHY





CHAPTER　I

THE　story　of　my　heart　commences　seventeen　years　ago。　　In　the　glow
of　youth　there　were　times　every　now　and　then　when　I　felt　the
necessity　of　a　strong　inspiration　of　soulthought。　　My　heart　was
dusty；　parched　for　want　of　the　rain　of　deep　feeling；　my　mind　arid　and　dry；
for　there　is　a　dust　which　settles　on　the　heart　as　well　as　that　which　falls
on　a　ledge。　It　is　injurious　to　the　mind　as　well　as　to　the　body　to　be　always
in　one　place　and　always　surrounded　by　the　same　circumstances。　A　species　of
thick　clothing　slowly　grows　about　the　mind；　the　pores　are　choked；　little
habits　become　a　part　of　existence；　and　by　degrees　the　mind　is　inclosed　in　a
husk。
When　this　began　to　form　I　felt　eager　to　escape　from　it；　to　throw　off　the
heavy　clothing；　to　drink　deeply　once　more　at　the　fresh　fountations　of　life。
An　inspirationa　long　deep　breath　of　the　pure　air　of　thoughtcould　alone
give　health　to　the　heart。

There　is　a　hill　to　which　I　used　to　resort　at　such　periods。　The　labour　of
walking　three　miles　to　it；　all　the　while　gradually　ascending；　seemed　to
clear　my　blood　of　the　heaviness　accumulated　at　home。　On　a　warm　summer　day
the　slow　continued　rise　required　continual　effort；　which　caried　away　the
sense　of　oppression。　The　familiar　everyday　scene　was　soon　out　of　sight；　I
came　to　other　trees；　meadows；　and　fields；　I　began　to　breathe　a　new　air　and
to　have　a　fresher　aspirationn。　I　restrained　my　soul　till　reached　the　sward
of　the　hill；　psyche；　the　soul　that　longed　to　be　loose。　I　would　write　psyche
always　instead　of　soul　to　avoid　meanings
which　have　become　attached　to　the　word　soul；　but　it　is　awkward　to　do　so。
Clumsy　inddeed　are　all　words　the　moment　the　wooden　stage　of　commonplace　life
is　left。　　I　restrained　psyche；　my　soul；　till　I　reached　and　put　my　foot　on
the　grass　at　the　beginning　of　the　green　hill　itself。　Moving　up　the　sweet
short　turf；　at　every　step　my　heart　seemed　to　obtain　a　wider　horizon　of
feeling；　with　every　inhalation　of　rich　pure　air；　a　deeper　desire。　　The　very
light　of　the　sun　was　whiter　and　more　brilliant　here。　　By　the　time　I　had
reached　the　summit　I　had　entirely　forgotten　the　petty　circumstances　and　the
annoyances　of　existence。　　I　felt　myself；　myself。　　There　was　an　intrenchment
on　the　summit；　and　going　down　into　the　fosse　I　walked　round　it　slowly　to
recover　breath。　　On　the　south…western　side　there　was

a　spot　where　the　outer　bank　had　partially　slipped；　leaving　a
gap。　　There　the　view　was　over　a　broad　plain；　beautiful　with
wheat；　and　inclosed　by　a　perfect　amphitheatre　of　green　hills。
Through　these　hills　there　was　one　narrow　groove；　or　pass；
southwards；　where　the　white　clouds　seemed　to　close　in　the
horizon。　　Woods　hid　the　scattered　hamlets　and　farmhouses；　so
that　I　was　quite　alone。I　was　utterly　alone　with　the　sun　and　the　earth。
Lying　down　on　the　grass；　I　spoke　in　my　soul　to　the　earth；　the　sun；　the　air；
and　the　distant　sea　far　beyond　sight。　　I　thought　of　the　earth's　firmnessI
felt　it　bear　me　up：　through　the　grassy　couch　there　came　an　influence　as　if　I
could　feel　the　great　earth　speaking　to　me。　　I　thought　of　the　wandering
airits　pureness；　which　is　its　beauty；　the　air　touched　me　and　gave　me
something　of　itself。　　I　spoke　to　the　sea：　though　so　far；　in　my　mind　I　saw
it；　green　at　the　rim　of　the　earth　and　blue　in　deeper　ocean；I　desired　to　have
its　strength；　its　mystery　and　glory。　Then　I　addressed　the　sun；　desiring　the
soul　equivalent　of
his　light　and　brilliance；　his　endurance　and　unwearied　race。　　I　turned　to　the
blue　heaven　over；　gazing　into　its　depth；　inhaling　its　exquisite　colour　and
sweetness。　　The　rich　blue　of　the　unattainable　flower　of　the　sky　drew　my　soul
towards　it；　and　there　it　rested；　I　for　pure　colour　is　rest　of　heart。　　By　all
these　I　prayed；　I　felt　an　emotion　of　the　soul　beyond　all　definition；　prayer
is　a　puny　thing　to　it；　and　the　word　is　a　rude　sign　to　the　feeling；　but　I
know　no　other。By　the　blue　heaven；　by　the　rolling　sun　bursting　through
untrodden　space；　a　new　ocean　of　ether　every　day　unveiled。　　By　the　fresh　and
wandering　air　encompassing　the　world；　by　the　sea　sounding　on　the　shorethe
green　sea　white…flecked　at　the　margin　and　the　deep　ocean；　by　the　strong
earth　under　me。　Then；　returning；　I　prayed　by　the
sweet　thyme；　whose　little　flowers　I　touched　with　my　hand　；　by　the　slender
grass；　by　the　crumble　of　dry　chalky　earth　I　took　up　and　let　fall　through　my
fingers。　Touching　the　crumble　of　earth；　the　blade　of　grass；　the　thyme
flower；　breathing　the　earth…encircling　air；　thinking　of　the　sea　and　the　sky；
holding
out　my　hand　for　the　sunbeams　to　touch　it；　prone　on　the　sward　in　token　of
deep　reverence；　thus　I　prayed　that　I　might　touch　to　the　unutterable
existence　infinitely　higher　than　deity。

With　all　the　intensity　of　feeling　which　exalted　me；　all　the　intense
communion　I　held　with　the　earth；　the　sun　and　sky；　the　stars　hidden　by　the
light；　with　the　oceanin　no　manner　can　the　thrilling　depth　of　these
feelings　be　writtenwith　these　I　prayed；　as　if　they　were　the　keys　of　an
instrument；　of　an　organ；　with　which　I　swelled　forth　the　note　of　my　soul；
redoubling　my　own　voice　by　their　power。　The　great　sun　burning　with　light；
the　strong　earth；　dear　earth；　the　warm　sky；　the　pure　air；　the　thought　of
ocean；　the　inexpressible　beauty　of　all　filled
me　with　a　rapture；　an　ecstasy；　and　inflatus。　With　this　inflatus；　too；　I
prayed。　Next　to　myself　I　came　and　recalled　myself；　my　bodily　existence。　I
held　out　my　hand；　the　sunlight
gleamed　on　the　skin　and　the　iridescent　nails；　I　recalled　the　mystery　and
beauty　of　the　flesh。　I　thought　of　the　mind　with　which　I　could　see　the　ocean
sixty　miles　distant；　and　gather　to　myself　its　glory。　I　thought　of　my　inner
existence；　that　consciousness　which　is　called　the　soul。　These；　that　is；
myself　I　threw　into　the　balance　to　weight　the　prayer　the　heavier。　My
strength　of　body；　mind　and　soul；　I　flung　into　it；　I　but　forth　my　strength；　I
wrestled　and　laboured；　and　toiled　in　might　of　prayer。　The　prayer；　this
soul…emotion　was　in　itself…not　for　an　object…it　was　a　passion。　　I　hid　my
face　in　the　grass；　I　was　wholly　prostrated；　I　lost　myself　in　the　wrestle；　I
was　rapt　and　carried　away。

Becoming　calmer；　I　returned　to　myself　and　thought；　reclining　in　rapt
thought；　full　of　aspiration；　steeped　to　the　lips　of　my　soul　in　desire。　　I
did　not　then　define；　or　analyses；　or　understand　this。　　I　see　now　that　what　I
laboured　for　was　soul…life；　more　soul…nature；　to　be　exalted；　to　be　full　of
soul…learning。　Finally　I　rose；　walked　half　a　mile　or　so　along　the　summit　of
the　hill　eastwards；　to　soothe　myself　and　come　to　the　common　ways　of　life
again。　　Had　any　shepherd　accidentally　seen　me　lying　on　the　turf；　he　would
only　have　thought　that　I　was　resting　a　few　minutes；　I　made　no　outward　show。
Who　could　have　imagined　the　whirlwind　of　passion　that　was　going　on　within　me
as　I　reclined　there！　I　was　greatly　exhausted　when　I　reached　home。

Occasionally　I　went　upon　the　hill　deliberately；　deeming　it　good　to　do　so；
then；　again；　this　craving　carried　me　away　up　there　of
itself。　Though　the　principal　feeling　was　the　same；　there　were
variations　in　the　mode　in　which　it　affected　me。

Sometimes　on　lying　down　on　the　sward　I　first　looked　up　at　the
sky；　gazing　for　a　long　time　till　I　could　see　deep　into　the　azure
and　my　eyes　were　full　of　the　colour；　then　I　turned　my　face　to
the　grass　and　thyme；　placing　my　hands　at　each　side　of　my　face
so　as　to　shut　out　everything　and　hide　myself。　Having　drunk　deeply　of　the
heaven　above　and　felt　the　most　glorious　beauty　of
the　day；　and　remembering　the　old；　old；　sea；　which　（as　it　seemed
to　me）　was　but　just　yonder　at　the　edge；　I　now　became　lost；　and
absorbed　into　the　being　or　existence　of　the　universe。　I　felt
down　deep　into　the　earth　under；　and　high　above　into　the　sky；　and
farther　still　to　the　sun　and　stars。　Still　farther　beyond　the　stars　into　the
hollow　of　space；　and　losing　thus　my　separateness　of　being　came　to　seem　like
a　part　of　the　whole。　　Then　I　whisper…ed　to　the　earth　beneath；　through　the　gr
ass　and　thyme；　down　into　the　depth　of　its　ear；　and　again　up　to　the　starry
space　hid　behind　the　blue　of　day。　Travelling　in　an　instant　across　the
distant　sea；　I　saw　as　if　with　actu