camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第50章
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CAMILLE （LA DAME AUX CAMILIAS）
I had to set up between us； as much for me as for you； an
insurmountable barrier。
I wrote to Prudence to say that I accepted the proposition of the Comte
de N。； and that she was to tell him that I would sup with her and him。 I
sealed the letter； and； without telling him what it contained； asked your
father to have it forwarded to its address on reaching Paris。
He inquired of me what it contained。
〃Your son's welfare；〃 I answered。
Your father embraced me once more。 I felt two grateful tears on my
forehead； like the baptism of my past faults； and at the moment when I
consented to give myself up to another man I glowed with pride at the
thought of what I was redeeming by this new fault。
It was quite natural； Armand。 You told me that your father was the
most honest man in the world。
M。 Duval returned to his carriage； and set out for Paris。
I was only a woman； and when I saw you again I could not help
weeping； but I did not give way。
Did I do right？ That is what I ask myself to…day； as I lie ill in my bed；
that I shall never leave； perhaps； until I am dead。
You are witness of what I felt as the hour of our separation approached；
your father was no longer there to support me； and there was a moment
when I was on the point of confessing everything to you； so terrified was I
at the idea that you were going to bate and despise me。
One thing which you will not believe； perhaps； Armand； is that I
prayed God to give me strength； and what proves that he accepted my
sacrifice is that he gave me the strength for which I prayed。
At supper I still had need of aid； for I could not think of what I was
going to do； so much did I fear that my courage would fail me。 Who
would ever have said that I； Marguerite Gautier； would have suffered so at
the mere thought of a new lover？ I drank for forgetfulness； and when I
woke next day I was beside the count。
That is the whole truth； friend。 judge me and pardon me； as I have
pardoned you for all the wrong that you have done me since that day。
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CAMILLE （LA DAME AUX CAMILIAS）
CHAPTER 26
What followed that fatal night you know as well as I； but what you can
not know； what you can not suspect； is what I have suffered since our
separation。
I heard that your father had taken you away with him； but I felt sure
that you could not live away from me for long； and when I met you in the
Champs…Elysees； I was a little upset； but by no means surprised。
Then began that series of days； each of them brought me a fresh insult
from you。 I received them all with a kind of joy； for； besides proving to me
that you still loved me； it seemed to me as if the more you persecuted me
the more I should be raised in your eyes when you came to know the truth。
Do not wonder at my joy in martyrdom； Armand； your love for me had
opened my heart to noble enthusiasm。
Still； I was not so strong as that quite at once。
Between the time of the sacrifice made for you and the time of your
return a long while elapsed； during which I was obliged to have recourse
to physical means in order not to go mad； and in order to be blinded and
deafened in the whirl of life into which I flung myself。 Prudence has told
you （has she not？） how I went to all the fetes and balls and orgies。 I had a
sort of hope that I should kill myself by all these excesses； and I think it
will not be long before this hope is realized。 My health naturally got worse
and worse； and when I sent Mme。 Duvernoy to ask you for pity I was
utterly worn out； body and soul。
I will not remind you； Armand； of the return you made for the last
proof of love that I gave you； and of the outrage by which you drove away
a dying woman； who could not resist your voice when you asked her for a
night of love； and who； like a fool； thought for one instant that she might
again unite the past with the present。 You had the right to do what you did；
Armand； people have not always put so high a price on a night of mine！
I left everything after that。 Olympe has taken my place with the Comte
de N。； and has told him； I hear； the reasons for my leaving him。 The Comte
de G。 was at London。 He is one of those men who give just enough
importance to making love to women like me for it to be an agreeable
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CAMILLE （LA DAME AUX CAMILIAS）
pastime； and who are thus able to remain friends with women； not hating
them because they have never been jealous of them； and he is； too； one of
those grand seigneurs who open only a part of their hearts to us； but the
whole of their purses。 It was of him that I immediately thought。 I joined
him in London。 He received me as kindly as possible； but he was the lover
there of a woman in society； and he feared to compromise himself if he
were seen with me。 He introduced me to his friends； who gave a supper in
my honour； after which one of them took me home with him。
What else was there for me to do； my friend？ If I had killed myself it
would have burdened your life； which ought to be happy； with a needless
remorse； and then； what is the good of killing oneself when one is so near
dying already？
I became a body without a soul； a thing without a thought； I lived for
some time in that automatic way； then I returned to Paris； and asked after
you； I heard then that you were gone on a long voyage。 There was nothing
left to hold me to life。 My existence became what it had been two years
before I knew you。 I tried to win back the duke； but I had offended him too
deeply。 Old men are not patient； no doubt because they realize that they
are not eternal。 I got weaker every day。 I was pale and sad and thinner than
ever。 Men who buy love examine the goods before taking them。 At Paris
there were women in better health； and not so thin as I was； I was rather
forgotten。 That is all the past up to yesterday。
Now I am seriously ill。 I have written to the duke to ask him for
money； for I have none； and the creditors have returned； and come to me
with their bills with pitiless perseverance。 Will the duke answer？ Why are
you not in Paris； Armand？ You would come and see me； and your visits
would do me good。
December 20。
The weather is horrible； it is snowing； and I am alone。 I have been in
such a fever for the last three days that I could not write you a word。 No
news； my friend； every day I hope vaguely for a letter from you； but it
does not come； and no doubt it will never come。 Only men are strong
enough not to forgive。 The duke has not answered。
Prudence is pawning my things again。
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I have been spitting blood all the time。 Oh； you would be sorry for me
if you could see me。 You are indeed happy to be under a warm sky； and
not； like me； with a whole winter of ice on your chest。 To…day I got up for
a little while； and looked out through the cur
