confidence-第33章

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He　awaited　the　evening　with　great　impatience；　he　fancied　he　had　made　a　discovery；　and　he　wished　to　confirm　it。　The　discovery　was　that　his　idea　that　she　bore　him　a　grudge；　that　she　was　conscious　of　an　injury；　that　he　was　associated　in　her　mind　with　a　wrong；　had　all　been　a　morbid　illusion。　She　had　forgiven；　she　had　forgotten；　she　did　n't　care；　she　had　possibly　never　cared！　　This；　at　least；　was　his　theory　now；　and　he　longed　for　a　little　more　light　upon　it。　His　old　sense　of　her　being　a　complex　and　intricate　girl　had；　in　that　quarter　of　an　hour　of　talk　with　her；　again　become　lively；　so　that　he　was　not　absolutely　sure　his　apprehensions　had　been　vain。　But；　with　his　quick　vision　of　things；　he　had　got　the　impression；　at　any　rate；　that　she　had　no　vulgar　resentment　of　any　slight　he　might　have　put　upon　her；　or　any　disadvantage　he　might　have　caused　her。　Her　feeling　about　such　a　matter　would　be　large　and　original。　Bernard　desired　to　see　more　of　that；　and　in　the　evening；　in　fact；　it　seemed　to　him　that　he　did　so。

The　terrace　of　the　Casino　was　far　from　offering　the　brilliant　spectacle　of　the　promenade　in　front　of　the　gaming…rooms　at　Baden。　It　had　neither　the　liberal　illumination；　the　distinguished　frequenters；　nor　the　superior　music　which　formed　the　attraction　of　that　celebrated　spot；　but　it　had　a　modest　animation　of　its　own；　in　which　the　starlight　on　the　open　sea　took　the　place　of　clustered　lamps；　and　the　mighty　resonance　of　the　waves　performed　the　function　of　an　orchestra。　Mrs。　Vivian　made　her　appearance　with　her　daughter；　and　Bernard；　as　he　used　to　do　at　Baden；　chose　a　corner　to　place　some　chairs　for　them。　The　crowd　was　small；　for　most　of　the　visitors　had　compressed　themselves　into　one　of　the　rooms；　where　a　shrill　operetta　was　being　performed　by　a　strolling　troupe。　　Mrs。　Vivian's　visit　was　a　short　one；　she　remained　at　the　Casino　less　than　half　an　hour。　　But　Bernard　had　some　talk　with　Angela。　　He　sat　beside　herher　mother　was　on　the　other　side；　talking　with　an　old　French　lady　whose　acquaintance　she　had　made　on　the　beach。　　Between　Bernard　and　Angela　several　things　were　said。　When　his　friends　went　away　Bernard　walked　home　with　them。　He　bade　them　good…night　at　the　door　of　their　chalet；　and　then　slowly　strolled　back　to　the　Casino。　　The　terrace　was　nearly　empty；　every　one　had　gone　to　listen　to　the　operetta；　the　sound　of　whose　contemporary　gayety　came　through　the　open；　hot…looking　windows　in　little　thin　quavers　and　catches。　　The　ocean　was　rumbling　just　beneath；　it　made　a　ruder　but　richer　music。　　Bernard　stood　looking　at　it　a　moment；　then　he　went　down　the　steps　to　the　beach。　　The　tide　was　rather　low；　he　walked　slowly　down　to　the　line　of　the　breaking　waves。　The　sea　looked　huge　and　black　and　simple；　everything　was　vague　in　the　unassisted　darkness。　　Bernard　stood　there　some　time；　there　was　nothing　but　the　sound　and　the　sharp；　fresh　smell。　Suddenly　he　put　his　hand　to　his　heart；　it　was　beating　very　fast。　An　immense　conviction　had　come　over　himabruptly；　then　and　there　and　for　a　moment　he　held　his　breath。　　It　was　like　a　word　spoken　in　the　darknesshe　held　his　breath　to　listen。　　He　was　in　love　with　Angela　Vivian；　and　his　love　was　a　throbbing　passion！　He　sat　down　on　the　stones　where　he　stoodit　filled　him　with　a　kind　of　awe。






CHAPTER　XXI

It　filled　him　with　a　kind　of　awe；　and　the　feeling　was　by　no　means　agreeable。　　It　was　not　a　feeling　to　which　even　a　man　of　Bernard　Longueville's　easy　power　of　extracting　the　savour　from　a　sensation　could　rapidly　habituate　himself；　and　for　the　rest　of　that　night　it　was　far　from　making　of　our　hero　the　happy　man　that　a　lover　just　coming　to　self…consciousness　is　supposed　to　be。　It　was　wrongit　was　dishonorableit　was　impossibleand　yet　it　was；　it　was；　as　nothing　in　his　own　personal　experience　had　ever　been。　He　seemed　hitherto　to　have　been　living　by　proxy；　in　a　vision；　in　reflectionto　have　been　an　echo；　a　shadow；　a　futile　attempt；　but　this　at　last　was　life　itself；　this　was　a　fact；　this　was　reality。　For　these　things　one　lived；　these　were　the　things　that　people　had　died　for。　　Love　had　been　a　fable　before　this　doubtless　a　very　pretty　one；　and　passion　had　been　a　literary　phraseemployed　obviously　with　considerable　effect。　But　now　he　stood　in　a　personal　relation　to　these　familiar　ideas；　which　gave　them　a　very　much　keener　import；　they　had　laid　their　hand　upon　him　in　the　darkness；　he　felt　it　upon　his　shoulder；　and　he　knew　by　its　pressure　that　it　was　the　hand　of　destiny。　What　made　this　sensation　a　shock　was　the　element　that　was　mixed　with　it；　the　fact　that　it　came　not　simply　and　singly；　but　with　an　attendant　shadow　in　which　it　immediately　merged　and　lost　itself。　It　was　forbidden　fruithe　knew　it　the　instant　he　had　touched　it。　He　felt　that　he　had　pledged　himself　not　to　do　just　this　thing　which　was　gleaming　before　him　so　divinelynot　to　widen　the　crevice；　not　to　open　the　door　that　would　flood　him　with　light。　Friendship　and　honor　were　at　stake；　they　stood　at　his　left　hand；　as　his　new…born　passion　stood　already　at　his　right；　they　claimed　him　as　well；　and　their　grasp　had　a　pressure　which　might　become　acutely　painful。　　The　soul　is　a　still　more　tender　organism　than　the　body；　and　it　shrinks　from　the　prospect　of　being　subjected　to　violence。　　Violencespiritual　violence　was　what　our　luxurious　hero　feared；　and　it　is　not　too　much　to　say　that　as　he　lingered　there　by　the　sea；　late　into　the　night；　while　the　gurgitation　of　the　waves　grew　deeper　to　his　ear；　the　prospect　came　to　have　an　element　of　positive　terror。　The　two　faces　of　his　situation　stood　confronting　each　other；　it　was　a　rigid；　brutal　opposition；　and　Bernard　held　his　breath　for　a　while　with　the　wonder　of　what　would　come　of　it。　He　sat　a　long　time　upon　the　beach；　the　night　grew　very　cold；　but　he　had　no　sense　of　it。　　Then　he　went　away　and　passed　before　the　Casino　again；　and　wandered　through　the　village。　The　Casino　was　shrouded　in　darkness　and　silence；　and　there　was　nothing　in　the　streets　of　the　little　town　but　the　salt　smell　of　the　sea；　a　vague　aroma　of　fish　and　the　distant　sound　of　the　breakers。　Little　by　little；　Bernard　lost　the　feeling　of　having　been　startled；　and　began　to　perceive　that　he　could　reason　about　his　trouble。　Trouble　it　was；　though　this　seems　an　odd　name　for　the　consciousness　of　a　bright　enchantment；　and　the　first　thing　that　reason；　definitely　consulted；　told　him　about　the　matter　was　that　he　had　been　in　love　with　Angela　Vivian　any　time　these　three　years。　This　sapient　faculty　supplied　him　with　further　information；　only　two　or　three　of　the　items　of　which；　however；　it　is　necessary　to　reproduce。　　He　had　been　a　great　foolan　incredible　fool　not　to　have　discovered　before　this　what　was　the　matter　with　him！　Bernard's　sense　of　his　own　shrewdnessalways　tolerably　acute　had　never　received　such　a　bruise　as　this　present　perception　that　a　great　many　things　had　been　taking　place　in　his　clever　mind　without　his　clever　mind　suspecting　them。　But　it　little　mattered；　his　reason　went　on　to　declare；　what　he　had　suspected　or　what　he　might　now　feel　about　it；　his　present　business　was　to　leave　Blanquais…les…Galets　at　sunrise　the　next　morning　and　never　rest　his　eyes　upon　Angela　Vivian　again。　　This　was　his　duty；　it　had　the　merit　of　being　perfectly　plain　and　definite；　easily　apprehended；　and　unattended；　as　far　as　he　could　discover；　with　the　smallest　material　difficulties。　　Not　only　this；　reason　continued　to　remark；　but　the　moral　difficulties　were　equally　inconsiderable。　He　had　never　breathed　a　word　of　his　passion　to　Miss　Vivian　quite　the　contrary；　he　had　never　committed　himself　nor　given　her　the　smallest　reason　to　suspect　his　hidden　flame；　and　he　was　therefore　perfectly　free　to　turn　his　back　upon　her　he　could　never　incur　the　reproach　of　trifling　with　her　affections。　Bernard　was　in　that　state　of　mind　when　it　is　the　greatest　of　blessings　to　be　saved　the　distress　of　choiceto　see　a　straight　path　before　you　and　to　feel　that　you　have　only　to　follow　it。　Upon　the　straight　path　I　have　indicated；　he　fixed　his　eyes　very　hard；　of　course　he　would　take　his　departure　at　the　earliest　possible　hour　on　the　morrow。　　There　was　a　streak　of　morning　in　the　eastern　sky　by　the　time　he　knocked　for　re…admittance　at　the　door　of　the　inn；　which　was　opened　to　him　by　a　mysterious　old　woman　in　a　nightcap　and　meagre　accessories；　whose　identity