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第9章

mudfog+-第9章

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while another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden model

of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte。  Some; brought up as

mountebanks and ballet…dancers; were performing a figure…dance (he

regretted to observe; that; of the fleas so employed; several were

females); others were in training; in a small card…board box; for

pedestrians; … mere sporting characters … and two were actually

engaged in the cold…blooded and barbarous occupation of duelling; a

pursuit from which humanity recoiled with horror and disgust。  He

suggested that measures should be immediately taken to employ the

labour of these fleas as part and parcel of the productive power of

the country; which might easily be done by the establishment among

them of infant schools and houses of industry; in which a system of

virtuous education; based upon sound principles; should be

observed; and moral precepts strictly inculcated。  He proposed that

every flea who presumed to exhibit; for hire; music; or dancing; or

any species of theatrical entertainment; without a licence; should

be considered a vagabond; and treated accordingly; in which respect

he only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind。  He would

further suggest that their labour should be placed under the

control and regulation of the state; who should set apart from the

profits; a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas;

their widows and orphans。  With this view; he proposed that liberal

premiums should be offered for the three best designs for a general

almshouse; from which … as insect architecture was well known to be

in a very advanced and perfect state … we might possibly derive

many valuable hints for the improvement of our metropolitan

universities; national galleries; and other public edifices。



'THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman

proposed to open a communication with fleas generally; in the first

instance; so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of

the advantages they must necessarily derive from changing their

mode of life; and applying themselves to honest labour。  This

appeared to him; the only difficulty。



'THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome; or

rather that there was no difficulty at all in the case。  Obviously

the course to be pursued; if Her Majesty's government could be

prevailed upon to take up the plan; would be; to secure at a

remunerative salary the individual to whom he had alluded as

presiding over the exhibition in Regent…street at the period of his

visit。  That gentleman would at once be able to put himself in

communication with the mass of the fleas; and to instruct them in

pursuance of some general plan of education; to be sanctioned by

Parliament; until such time as the more intelligent among them were

advanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest。



'The President and several members of the section highly

complimented the author of the paper last read; on his most

ingenious and important treatise。  It was determined that the

subject should be recommended to the immediate consideration of the

council。



'MR。 WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a chaise…

umbrella; which had been raised by no other artificial means than

the simple application of highly carbonated soda…water as manure。

He explained that by scooping out the head; which would afford a

new and delicious species of nourishment for the poor; a parachute;

in principle something similar to that constructed by M。 Garnerin;

was at once obtained; the stalk of course being kept downwards。  He

added that he was perfectly willing to make a descent from a height

of not less than three miles and a quarter; and had in fact already

proposed the same to the proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens; who in

the handsomest manner at once consented to his wishes; and

appointed an early day next summer for the undertaking; merely

stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be previously

broken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the descent。



'THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the GRAND GALA in store

for them; and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment

alluded to; for their love of science; and regard for the safety of

human life; both of which did them the highest honour。



'A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps the

royal property would be illuminated with; on the night after the

descent。



'MR。 WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; but

he believed it was proposed; over and above the ordinary

illuminations; to exhibit in various devices eight millions and a…

half of additional lamps。



'The Member expressed himself much gratified with this

announcement。



'MR。 BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting and

valuable paper 〃on the last moments of the learned pig;〃 which

produced a very strong impression on the assembly; the account

being compiled from the personal recollections of his favourite

attendant。  The account stated in the most emphatic terms that the

animal's name was not Toby; but Solomon; and distinctly proved that

he could have no near relatives in the profession; as many

designing persons had falsely stated; inasmuch as his father;

mother; brothers and sisters; had all fallen victims to the butcher

at different times。  An uncle of his indeed; had with very great

labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he was in a very

infirm state at the time; being afflicted with measles; and shortly

afterwards disappeared; there appeared too much reason to

conjecture that he had been converted into sausages。  The disorder

of the learned pig was originally a severe cold; which; being

aggravated by excessive trough indulgence; finally settled upon the

lungs; and terminated in a general decay of the constitution。  A

melancholy instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of

his approaching dissolution; was recorded。  After gratifying a

numerous and fashionable company with his performances; in which no

falling off whatever was visible; he fixed his eyes on the

biographer; and; turning to the watch which lay on the floor; and

on which he was accustomed to point out the hour; deliberately

passed his snout twice round the dial。  In precisely four…and…

twenty hours from that time he had ceased to exist!



'PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether; previous to his demise; the

animal had expressed; by signs or otherwise; any wishes regarding

the disposal of his little property。



'MR。 BLUNDERUM replied; that; when the biographer took up the pack

of cards at the conclusion of the performance; the animal grunted

several times in a significant manner; and nodding his head as he

was accustomed to do; when gratified。  From these gestures it was

understood that he wished the attendant to keep the cards; which he

had ever since done。  He had not expressed any wish relative to his

watch; which had accordingly been pawned by the same individual。



'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section had

ever seen or conversed with the pig…faced lady; who was reported to

have worn a black velvet mask; and to have taken her meals from a

golden trough。



'After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig…faced lady was

his mother…in…law; and that he trusted the President would not

violate the sanctity of private life。



'THE PRESIDENT begged pardon。  He had considered the pig…faced lady

a public character。  Would the honourable member object to state;

with a view to the advancement of science; whether she was in any

way connected with the learned pig?



'The Member replied in the same low tone; that; as the question

appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his

half…brother; he must decline answering it。





'SECTION B。 … ANATOMY AND MEDICINE。

COACH…HOUSE; PIG AND TINDER…BOX。





PRESIDENT … Dr。 Toorell。  V

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