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第22章

mudfog+-第22章

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upon the breast of a fowl; and then upon the trifle; but the best

jokes of all were decidedly on the lobster salad; upon which latter

subject the lion came out most vigorously; and; in the opinion of

the most competent authorities; quite outshone himself。  This is a

very excellent mode of shining in society; and is founded; we

humbly conceive; upon the classic model of the dialogues between

Mr。 Punch and his friend the proprietor; wherein the latter takes

all the up…hill work; and is content to pioneer to the jokes and

repartees of Mr。 P。 himself; who never fails to gain great credit

and excite much laughter thereby。  Whatever it be founded on;

however; we recommend it to all lions; present and to come; for in

this instance it succeeded to admiration; and perfectly dazzled the

whole body of hearers。



When the salt…cellar; and the fowl's breast; and the trifle; and

the lobster salad were all exhausted; and could not afford

standing…room for another solitary witticism; the keeper performed

that very dangerous feat which is still done with some of the

caravan lions; although in one instance it terminated fatally; of

putting his head in the animal's mouth; and placing himself

entirely at its mercy。  Boswell frequently presents a melancholy

instance of the lamentable results of this achievement; and other

keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated for their daring。

It is due to our lion to state; that he condescended to be trifled

with; in the most gentle manner; and finally went home with the

showman in a hack cab:  perfectly peaceable; but slightly fuddled。



Being in a contemplative mood; we were led to make some reflections

upon the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walked

homewards; and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that

our former impression in their favour was very much strengthened

and confirmed by what we had recently seen。  While the other lions

receive company and compliments in a sullen; moody; not to say

snarling manner; these appear flattered by the attentions that are

paid them; while those conceal themselves to the utmost of their

power from the vulgar gaze; these court the popular eye; and;

unlike their brethren; whom nothing short of compulsion will move

to exertion; are ever ready to display their acquirements to the

wondering throng。  We have known bears of undoubted ability who;

when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up to the

utmost pitch; have peremptorily refused to dance; well…taught

monkeys; who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack

wire; and elephants of unquestioned genius; who have suddenly

declined to turn the barrel…organ; but we never once knew or heard

of a biped lion; literary or otherwise; … and we state it as a fact

which is highly creditable to the whole species; … who; occasion

offering; did not seize with avidity on any opportunity which was

afforded him; of performing to his heart's content on the first

violin。







MR。 ROBERT BOLTON:  THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS'







In the parlour of the Green Dragon; a public…house in the immediate

neighbourhood of Westminster Bridge; everybody talks politics;

every evening; the great political authority being Mr。 Robert

Bolton; an individual who defines himself as 'a gentleman connected

with the press;' which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness。

Mr。 Robert Bolton's regular circle of admirers and listeners are an

undertaker; a greengrocer; a hairdresser; a baker; a large stomach

surmounted by a man's head; and placed on the top of two

particularly short legs; and a thin man in black; name; profession;

and pursuit unknown; who always sits in the same position; always

displays the same long; vacant face; and never opens his lips;

surrounded as he is by most enthusiastic conversation; except to

puff forth a volume of tobacco smoke; or give vent to a very

snappy; loud; and shrill HEM!  The conversation sometimes turns

upon literature; Mr。 Bolton being a literary character; and always

upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that

talented individual。  I found myself (of course; accidentally) in

the Green Dragon the other evening; and; being somewhat amused by

the following conversation; preserved it。



'Can you lend me a ten…pound note till Christmas?' inquired the

hairdresser of the stomach。



'Where's your security; Mr。 Clip?'



'My stock in trade; … there's enough of it; I'm thinking; Mr。

Thicknesse。  Some fifty wigs; two poles; half…a…dozen head blocks;

and a dead Bruin。'



'No; I won't; then;' growled out Thicknesse。  'I lends nothing on

the security of the whigs or the Poles either。  As for whigs;

they're cheats; as for the Poles; they've got no cash。  I never

have nothing to do with blockheads; unless I can't awoid it

(ironically); and a dead bear's about as much use to me as I could

be to a dead bear。'



'Well; then;' urged the other; 'there's a book as belonged to Pope;

Byron's Poems; valued at forty pounds; because it's got Pope's

identical scratch on the back; what do you think of that for

security?'



'Well; to be sure!' cried the baker。  'But how d'ye mean; Mr。

Clip?'



'Mean! why; that it's got the HOTTERGRUFF of Pope。





〃Steal not this book; for fear of hangman's rope;

For it belongs to Alexander Pope。〃





All that's written on the inside of the binding of the book; so; as

my son says; we're BOUND to believe it。'



'Well; sir;' observed the undertaker; deferentially; and in a half…

whisper; leaning over the table; and knocking over the

hairdresser's grog as he spoke; 'that argument's very easy upset。'



'Perhaps; sir;' said Clip; a little flurried; 'you'll pay for the

first upset afore you thinks of another。'



'Now;' said the undertaker; bowing amicably to the hairdresser; 'I

THINK; I says I THINK … you'll excuse me; Mr。 Clip; I THINK; you

see; that won't go down with the present company … unfortunately;

my master had the honour of making the coffin of that ere Lord's

housemaid; not no more nor twenty year ago。  Don't think I'm proud

on it; gentlemen; others might be; but I hate rank of any sort。

I've no more respect for a Lord's footman than I have for any

respectable tradesman in this room。  I may say no more nor I have

for Mr。 Clip! (bowing)。  Therefore; that ere Lord must have been

born long after Pope died。  And it's a logical interference to

defer; that they neither of them lived at the same time。  So what I

mean is this here; that Pope never had no book; never seed; felt;

never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord。

And; gentlemen; when I consider how patiently you have 'eared the

ideas what I have expressed; I feel bound; as the best way to

reward you for the kindness you have exhibited; to sit down without

saying anything more … partickler as I perceive a worthier visitor

nor myself is just entered。  I am not in the habit of paying

compliments; gentlemen; when I do; therefore; I hope I strikes with

double force。'



'Ah; Mr。 Murgatroyd! what's all this about striking with double

force?' said the object of the above remark; as he entered。  'I

never excuse a man's getting into a rage during winter; even when

he's seated so close to the fire as you are。  It is very

injudicious to put yourself into such a perspiration。  What is the

cause of this extreme physical and mental excitement; sir?'



Such was the very philosophical address of Mr。 Robert Bolton; a

shorthand…writer; as he termed himself … a bit of equivoque passing

current among his fraternity; which must give the uninitiated a

vast idea of the establishment of the ministerial organ; while to

the initiated it signifies that no one paper can lay claim to the

enjoyment of their services。  Mr。 Bolton was a young man; with a

somewhat sickly and very dissipated expression of countenance。  His

habiliments were composed of an exquisite union

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