mudfog+-第22章

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upon　the　breast　of　a　fowl；　and　then　upon　the　trifle；　but　the　best

jokes　of　all　were　decidedly　on　the　lobster　salad；　upon　which　latter

subject　the　lion　came　out　most　vigorously；　and；　in　the　opinion　of

the　most　competent　authorities；　quite　outshone　himself。　　This　is　a

very　excellent　mode　of　shining　in　society；　and　is　founded；　we

humbly　conceive；　upon　the　classic　model　of　the　dialogues　between

Mr。　Punch　and　his　friend　the　proprietor；　wherein　the　latter　takes

all　the　up…hill　work；　and　is　content　to　pioneer　to　the　jokes　and

repartees　of　Mr。　P。　himself；　who　never　fails　to　gain　great　credit

and　excite　much　laughter　thereby。　　Whatever　it　be　founded　on；

however；　we　recommend　it　to　all　lions；　present　and　to　come；　for　in

this　instance　it　succeeded　to　admiration；　and　perfectly　dazzled　the

whole　body　of　hearers。



When　the　salt…cellar；　and　the　fowl's　breast；　and　the　trifle；　and

the　lobster　salad　were　all　exhausted；　and　could　not　afford

standing…room　for　another　solitary　witticism；　the　keeper　performed

that　very　dangerous　feat　which　is　still　done　with　some　of　the

caravan　lions；　although　in　one　instance　it　terminated　fatally；　of

putting　his　head　in　the　animal's　mouth；　and　placing　himself

entirely　at　its　mercy。　　Boswell　frequently　presents　a　melancholy

instance　of　the　lamentable　results　of　this　achievement；　and　other

keepers　and　jackals　have　been　terribly　lacerated　for　their　daring。

It　is　due　to　our　lion　to　state；　that　he　condescended　to　be　trifled

with；　in　the　most　gentle　manner；　and　finally　went　home　with　the

showman　in　a　hack　cab：　　perfectly　peaceable；　but　slightly　fuddled。



Being　in　a　contemplative　mood；　we　were　led　to　make　some　reflections

upon　the　character　and　conduct　of　this　genus　of　lions　as　we　walked

homewards；　and　we　were　not　long　in　arriving　at　the　conclusion　that

our　former　impression　in　their　favour　was　very　much　strengthened

and　confirmed　by　what　we　had　recently　seen。　　While　the　other　lions

receive　company　and　compliments　in　a　sullen；　moody；　not　to　say

snarling　manner；　these　appear　flattered　by　the　attentions　that　are

paid　them；　while　those　conceal　themselves　to　the　utmost　of　their

power　from　the　vulgar　gaze；　these　court　the　popular　eye；　and；

unlike　their　brethren；　whom　nothing　short　of　compulsion　will　move

to　exertion；　are　ever　ready　to　display　their　acquirements　to　the

wondering　throng。　　We　have　known　bears　of　undoubted　ability　who；

when　the　expectations　of　a　large　audience　have　been　wound　up　to　the

utmost　pitch；　have　peremptorily　refused　to　dance；　well…taught

monkeys；　who　have　unaccountably　objected　to　exhibit　on　the　slack

wire；　and　elephants　of　unquestioned　genius；　who　have　suddenly

declined　to　turn　the　barrel…organ；　but　we　never　once　knew　or　heard

of　a　biped　lion；　literary　or　otherwise；　…　and　we　state　it　as　a　fact

which　is　highly　creditable　to　the　whole　species；　…　who；　occasion

offering；　did　not　seize　with　avidity　on　any　opportunity　which　was

afforded　him；　of　performing　to　his　heart's　content　on　the　first

violin。







MR。　ROBERT　BOLTON：　　THE　'GENTLEMAN　CONNECTED　WITH　THE　PRESS'







In　the　parlour　of　the　Green　Dragon；　a　public…house　in　the　immediate

neighbourhood　of　Westminster　Bridge；　everybody　talks　politics；

every　evening；　the　great　political　authority　being　Mr。　Robert

Bolton；　an　individual　who　defines　himself　as　'a　gentleman　connected

with　the　press；'　which　is　a　definition　of　peculiar　indefiniteness。

Mr。　Robert　Bolton's　regular　circle　of　admirers　and　listeners　are　an

undertaker；　a　greengrocer；　a　hairdresser；　a　baker；　a　large　stomach

surmounted　by　a　man's　head；　and　placed　on　the　top　of　two

particularly　short　legs；　and　a　thin　man　in　black；　name；　profession；

and　pursuit　unknown；　who　always　sits　in　the　same　position；　always

displays　the　same　long；　vacant　face；　and　never　opens　his　lips；

surrounded　as　he　is　by　most　enthusiastic　conversation；　except　to

puff　forth　a　volume　of　tobacco　smoke；　or　give　vent　to　a　very

snappy；　loud；　and　shrill　HEM！　　The　conversation　sometimes　turns

upon　literature；　Mr。　Bolton　being　a　literary　character；　and　always

upon　such　news　of　the　day　as　is　exclusively　possessed　by　that

talented　individual。　　I　found　myself　（of　course；　accidentally）　in

the　Green　Dragon　the　other　evening；　and；　being　somewhat　amused　by

the　following　conversation；　preserved　it。



'Can　you　lend　me　a　ten…pound　note　till　Christmas？'　inquired　the

hairdresser　of　the　stomach。



'Where's　your　security；　Mr。　Clip？'



'My　stock　in　trade；　…　there's　enough　of　it；　I'm　thinking；　Mr。

Thicknesse。　　Some　fifty　wigs；　two　poles；　half…a…dozen　head　blocks；

and　a　dead　Bruin。'



'No；　I　won't；　then；'　growled　out　Thicknesse。　　'I　lends　nothing　on

the　security　of　the　whigs　or　the　Poles　either。　　As　for　whigs；

they're　cheats；　as　for　the　Poles；　they've　got　no　cash。　　I　never

have　nothing　to　do　with　blockheads；　unless　I　can't　awoid　it

（ironically）；　and　a　dead　bear's　about　as　much　use　to　me　as　I　could

be　to　a　dead　bear。'



'Well；　then；'　urged　the　other；　'there's　a　book　as　belonged　to　Pope；

Byron's　Poems；　valued　at　forty　pounds；　because　it's　got　Pope's

identical　scratch　on　the　back；　what　do　you　think　of　that　for

security？'



'Well；　to　be　sure！'　cried　the　baker。　　'But　how　d'ye　mean；　Mr。

Clip？'



'Mean！　why；　that　it's　got　the　HOTTERGRUFF　of　Pope。





〃Steal　not　this　book；　for　fear　of　hangman's　rope；

For　it　belongs　to　Alexander　Pope。〃





All　that's　written　on　the　inside　of　the　binding　of　the　book；　so；　as

my　son　says；　we're　BOUND　to　believe　it。'



'Well；　sir；'　observed　the　undertaker；　deferentially；　and　in　a　half…

whisper；　leaning　over　the　table；　and　knocking　over　the

hairdresser's　grog　as　he　spoke；　'that　argument's　very　easy　upset。'



'Perhaps；　sir；'　said　Clip；　a　little　flurried；　'you'll　pay　for　the

first　upset　afore　you　thinks　of　another。'



'Now；'　said　the　undertaker；　bowing　amicably　to　the　hairdresser；　'I

THINK；　I　says　I　THINK　…　you'll　excuse　me；　Mr。　Clip；　I　THINK；　you

see；　that　won't　go　down　with　the　present　company　…　unfortunately；

my　master　had　the　honour　of　making　the　coffin　of　that　ere　Lord's

housemaid；　not　no　more　nor　twenty　year　ago。　　Don't　think　I'm　proud

on　it；　gentlemen；　others　might　be；　but　I　hate　rank　of　any　sort。

I've　no　more　respect　for　a　Lord's　footman　than　I　have　for　any

respectable　tradesman　in　this　room。　　I　may　say　no　more　nor　I　have

for　Mr。　Clip！　（bowing）。　　Therefore；　that　ere　Lord　must　have　been

born　long　after　Pope　died。　　And　it's　a　logical　interference　to

defer；　that　they　neither　of　them　lived　at　the　same　time。　　So　what　I

mean　is　this　here；　that　Pope　never　had　no　book；　never　seed；　felt；

never　smelt　no　book　（triumphantly）　as　belonged　to　that　ere　Lord。

And；　gentlemen；　when　I　consider　how　patiently　you　have　'eared　the

ideas　what　I　have　expressed；　I　feel　bound；　as　the　best　way　to

reward　you　for　the　kindness　you　have　exhibited；　to　sit　down　without

saying　anything　more　…　partickler　as　I　perceive　a　worthier　visitor

nor　myself　is　just　entered。　　I　am　not　in　the　habit　of　paying

compliments；　gentlemen；　when　I　do；　therefore；　I　hope　I　strikes　with

double　force。'



'Ah；　Mr。　Murgatroyd！　what's　all　this　about　striking　with　double

force？'　said　the　object　of　the　above　remark；　as　he　entered。　　'I

never　excuse　a　man's　getting　into　a　rage　during　winter；　even　when

he's　seated　so　close　to　the　fire　as　you　are。　　It　is　very

injudicious　to　put　yourself　into　such　a　perspiration。　　What　is　the

cause　of　this　extreme　physical　and　mental　excitement；　sir？'



Such　was　the　very　philosophical　address　of　Mr。　Robert　Bolton；　a

shorthand…writer；　as　he　termed　himself　…　a　bit　of　equivoque　passing

current　among　his　fraternity；　which　must　give　the　uninitiated　a

vast　idea　of　the　establishment　of　the　ministerial　organ；　while　to

the　initiated　it　signifies　that　no　one　paper　can　lay　claim　to　the

enjoyment　of　their　services。　　Mr。　Bolton　was　a　young　man；　with　a

somewhat　sickly　and　very　dissipated　expression　of　countenance。　　His

habiliments　were　composed　of　an　exquisite　union