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第16章

mudfog+-第16章

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ground that it would have the inevitable effect of almost entirely

superseding manual labour; and throwing a great number of highly…

deserving persons out of employment。



'THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would be

allowed to stand in the way of such a great public improvement。



'MR。 CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen of

the swell mob persevered in their objection; nothing could be done。



'PROFESSOR GRIME suggested; that surely; in that case; Her

Majesty's Government might be prevailed upon to take it up。



'MR。 CRINKLES said; that if the objection were found to be

insuperable he should apply to Parliament; which he thought could

not fail to recognise the utility of the invention。



'THE PRESIDENT observed that; up to this time Parliament had

certainly got on very well without it; but; as they did their

business on a very large scale; he had no doubt they would gladly

adopt the improvement。  His only fear was that the machine might be

worn out by constant working。



'MR。 COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a

proposition of great magnitude and interest; illustrated by a vast


number of models; and stated with much clearness and perspicuity in

a treatise entitled 〃Practical Suggestions on the necessity of

providing some harmless and wholesome relaxation for the young

noblemen of England。〃  His proposition was; that a space of ground

of not less than ten miles in length and four in breadth should be

purchased by a new company; to be incorporated by Act of

Parliament; and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve

feet in height。  He proposed that it should be laid out with

highway roads; turnpikes; bridges; miniature villages; and every

object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four…in…hand

Clubs; so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drive

beyond it。  This delightful retreat would be fitted up with most

commodious and extensive stables; for the convenience of such of

the nobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering; and with

houses of entertainment furnished in the most expensive and

handsome style。  It would be further provided with whole streets of

door…knockers and bell…handles of extra size; so constructed that

they could be easily wrenched off at night; and regularly screwed

on again; by attendants provided for the purpose; every day。  There

would also be gas lamps of real glass; which could be broken at a

comparatively small expense per dozen; and a broad and handsome

foot pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when

they were humorously disposed … for the full enjoyment of which

feat live pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a

very small charge per head。  The place being inclosed; and

carefully screened from the intrusion of the public; there would be

no objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume

that was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic; or;

indeed; to their walking about without any costume at all; if they

liked that better。  In short; every facility of enjoyment would be

afforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire。

But as even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were

some means provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display

their prowess when they sallied forth after dinner; and as some

inconvenience might be experienced in the event of their being

reduced to the necessity of pummelling each other; the inventor had

turned his attention to the construction of an entirely new police

force; composed exclusively of automaton figures; which; with the

assistance of the ingenious Signor Gagliardi; of Windmill…street;

in the Haymarket; he had succeeded in making with such nicety; that

a policeman; cab…driver; or old woman; made upon the principle of

the models exhibited; would walk about until knocked down like any

real man; nay; more; if set upon and beaten by six or eight

noblemen or gentlemen; after it was down; the figure would utter

divers groans; mingled with entreaties for mercy; thus rendering

the illusion complete; and the enjoyment perfect。  But the

invention did not stop even here; for station…houses would be

built; containing good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during the

night; and in the morning they would repair to a commodious police

office; where a pantomimic investigation would take place before

the automaton magistrates; … quite equal to life; … who would fine

them in so many counters; with which they would be previously

provided for the purpose。  This office would be furnished with an

inclined plane; for the convenience of any nobleman or gentleman

who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; and the

prisoners would be at perfect liberty; as they were now; to

interrupt the complainants as much as they pleased; and to make any

remarks that they thought proper。  The charge for these amusements

would amount to very little more than they already cost; and the

inventor submitted that the public would be much benefited and

comforted by the proposed arrangement。



'PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton

police force it was proposed to raise in the first instance。



'MR。 COPPERNOSE replied; that it was proposed to begin with seven

divisions of police of a score each; lettered from A to G

inclusive。  It was proposed that not more than half this number

should be placed on active duty; and that the remainder should be

kept on shelves in the police office ready to be called out at a

moment's notice。



'THE PRESIDENT; awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious

gentleman who had originated the idea; doubted whether the

automaton police would quite answer the purpose。  He feared that

noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the excitement of

thrashing living subjects。



'MR。 COPPERNOSE submitted; that as the usual odds in such cases

were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab…driver; it

could make very little difference in point of excitement whether

the policeman or cab…driver were a man or a block。  The great

advantage would be; that a policeman's limbs might be all knocked

off; and yet he would be in a condition to do duty next day。  He

might even give his evidence next morning with his head in his

hand; and give it equally well。



'PROFESSOR MUFF。 … Will you allow me to ask you; sir; of what

materials it is intended that the magistrates' heads shall be

composed?



'MR。 COPPERNOSE。 … The magistrates will have wooden heads of

course; and they will be made of the toughest and thickest

materials that can possibly be obtained。



'PROFESSOR MUFF。 … I am quite satisfied。  This is a great

invention。



'PROFESSOR NOGO。 … I see but one objection to it。  It appears to me

that the magistrates ought to talk。



'MR。 COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a

small spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were

placed upon the table; one of the figures immediately began to

exclaim with great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in

such a situation; and the other to express a fear that the

policeman was intoxicated。



'The section; as with one accord; declared with a shout of applause

that the invention was complete; and the President; much excited;

retired with Mr。 Coppernose to lay it before the council。  On his

return;



'MR。 TICKLE displayed his newly…invented spectacles; which enabled

the wearer to discern; in very bright colours; objects at a great

distance; and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before

him。  It was; he said; a most valuable and useful invention; based

strictly upon the principle of the human eye。



'THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point。  He had

yet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for the

peculiarities of which the honourable gentleman had spoken。



'MR。 TICKLE was rather ast

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