mudfog+-第16章

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ground　that　it　would　have　the　inevitable　effect　of　almost　entirely

superseding　manual　labour；　and　throwing　a　great　number　of　highly…

deserving　persons　out　of　employment。



'THE　PRESIDENT　hoped　that　no　such　fanciful　objections　would　be

allowed　to　stand　in　the　way　of　such　a　great　public　improvement。



'MR。　CRINKLES　hoped　so　too；　but　he　feared　that　if　the　gentlemen　of

the　swell　mob　persevered　in　their　objection；　nothing　could　be　done。



'PROFESSOR　GRIME　suggested；　that　surely；　in　that　case；　Her

Majesty's　Government　might　be　prevailed　upon　to　take　it　up。



'MR。　CRINKLES　said；　that　if　the　objection　were　found　to　be

insuperable　he　should　apply　to　Parliament；　which　he　thought　could

not　fail　to　recognise　the　utility　of　the　invention。



'THE　PRESIDENT　observed　that；　up　to　this　time　Parliament　had

certainly　got　on　very　well　without　it；　but；　as　they　did　their

business　on　a　very　large　scale；　he　had　no　doubt　they　would　gladly

adopt　the　improvement。　　His　only　fear　was　that　the　machine　might　be

worn　out　by　constant　working。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　called　the　attention　of　the　section　to　a

proposition　of　great　magnitude　and　interest；　illustrated　by　a　vast


number　of　models；　and　stated　with　much　clearness　and　perspicuity　in

a　treatise　entitled　〃Practical　Suggestions　on　the　necessity　of

providing　some　harmless　and　wholesome　relaxation　for　the　young

noblemen　of　England。〃　　His　proposition　was；　that　a　space　of　ground

of　not　less　than　ten　miles　in　length　and　four　in　breadth　should　be

purchased　by　a　new　company；　to　be　incorporated　by　Act　of

Parliament；　and　inclosed　by　a　brick　wall　of　not　less　than　twelve

feet　in　height。　　He　proposed　that　it　should　be　laid　out　with

highway　roads；　turnpikes；　bridges；　miniature　villages；　and　every

object　that　could　conduce　to　the　comfort　and　glory　of　Four…in…hand

Clubs；　so　that　they　might　be　fairly　presumed　to　require　no　drive

beyond　it。　　This　delightful　retreat　would　be　fitted　up　with　most

commodious　and　extensive　stables；　for　the　convenience　of　such　of

the　nobility　and　gentry　as　had　a　taste　for　ostlering；　and　with

houses　of　entertainment　furnished　in　the　most　expensive　and

handsome　style。　　It　would　be　further　provided　with　whole　streets　of

door…knockers　and　bell…handles　of　extra　size；　so　constructed　that

they　could　be　easily　wrenched　off　at　night；　and　regularly　screwed

on　again；　by　attendants　provided　for　the　purpose；　every　day。　　There

would　also　be　gas　lamps　of　real　glass；　which　could　be　broken　at　a

comparatively　small　expense　per　dozen；　and　a　broad　and　handsome

foot　pavement　for　gentlemen　to　drive　their　cabriolets　upon　when

they　were　humorously　disposed　…　for　the　full　enjoyment　of　which

feat　live　pedestrians　would　be　procured　from　the　workhouse　at　a

very　small　charge　per　head。　　The　place　being　inclosed；　and

carefully　screened　from　the　intrusion　of　the　public；　there　would　be

no　objection　to　gentlemen　laying　aside　any　article　of　their　costume

that　was　considered　to　interfere　with　a　pleasant　frolic；　or；

indeed；　to　their　walking　about　without　any　costume　at　all；　if　they

liked　that　better。　　In　short；　every　facility　of　enjoyment　would　be

afforded　that　the　most　gentlemanly　person　could　possibly　desire。

But　as　even　these　advantages　would　be　incomplete　unless　there　were

some　means　provided　of　enabling　the　nobility　and　gentry　to　display

their　prowess　when　they　sallied　forth　after　dinner；　and　as　some

inconvenience　might　be　experienced　in　the　event　of　their　being

reduced　to　the　necessity　of　pummelling　each　other；　the　inventor　had

turned　his　attention　to　the　construction　of　an　entirely　new　police

force；　composed　exclusively　of　automaton　figures；　which；　with　the

assistance　of　the　ingenious　Signor　Gagliardi；　of　Windmill…street；

in　the　Haymarket；　he　had　succeeded　in　making　with　such　nicety；　that

a　policeman；　cab…driver；　or　old　woman；　made　upon　the　principle　of

the　models　exhibited；　would　walk　about　until　knocked　down　like　any

real　man；　nay；　more；　if　set　upon　and　beaten　by　six　or　eight

noblemen　or　gentlemen；　after　it　was　down；　the　figure　would　utter

divers　groans；　mingled　with　entreaties　for　mercy；　thus　rendering

the　illusion　complete；　and　the　enjoyment　perfect。　　But　the

invention　did　not　stop　even　here；　for　station…houses　would　be

built；　containing　good　beds　for　noblemen　and　gentlemen　during　the

night；　and　in　the　morning　they　would　repair　to　a　commodious　police

office；　where　a　pantomimic　investigation　would　take　place　before

the　automaton　magistrates；　…　quite　equal　to　life；　…　who　would　fine

them　in　so　many　counters；　with　which　they　would　be　previously

provided　for　the　purpose。　　This　office　would　be　furnished　with　an

inclined　plane；　for　the　convenience　of　any　nobleman　or　gentleman

who　might　wish　to　bring　in　his　horse　as　a　witness；　and　the

prisoners　would　be　at　perfect　liberty；　as　they　were　now；　to

interrupt　the　complainants　as　much　as　they　pleased；　and　to　make　any

remarks　that　they　thought　proper。　　The　charge　for　these　amusements

would　amount　to　very　little　more　than　they　already　cost；　and　the

inventor　submitted　that　the　public　would　be　much　benefited　and

comforted　by　the　proposed　arrangement。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO　wished　to　be　informed　what　amount　of　automaton

police　force　it　was　proposed　to　raise　in　the　first　instance。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　replied；　that　it　was　proposed　to　begin　with　seven

divisions　of　police　of　a　score　each；　lettered　from　A　to　G

inclusive。　　It　was　proposed　that　not　more　than　half　this　number

should　be　placed　on　active　duty；　and　that　the　remainder　should　be

kept　on　shelves　in　the　police　office　ready　to　be　called　out　at　a

moment's　notice。



'THE　PRESIDENT；　awarding　the　utmost　merit　to　the　ingenious

gentleman　who　had　originated　the　idea；　doubted　whether　the

automaton　police　would　quite　answer　the　purpose。　　He　feared　that

noblemen　and　gentlemen　would　perhaps　require　the　excitement　of

thrashing　living　subjects。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　submitted；　that　as　the　usual　odds　in　such　cases

were　ten　noblemen　or　gentlemen　to　one　policeman　or　cab…driver；　it

could　make　very　little　difference　in　point　of　excitement　whether

the　policeman　or　cab…driver　were　a　man　or　a　block。　　The　great

advantage　would　be；　that　a　policeman's　limbs　might　be　all　knocked

off；　and　yet　he　would　be　in　a　condition　to　do　duty　next　day。　　He

might　even　give　his　evidence　next　morning　with　his　head　in　his

hand；　and　give　it　equally　well。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF。　…　Will　you　allow　me　to　ask　you；　sir；　of　what

materials　it　is　intended　that　the　magistrates'　heads　shall　be

composed？



'MR。　COPPERNOSE。　…　The　magistrates　will　have　wooden　heads　of

course；　and　they　will　be　made　of　the　toughest　and　thickest

materials　that　can　possibly　be　obtained。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF。　…　I　am　quite　satisfied。　　This　is　a　great

invention。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO。　…　I　see　but　one　objection　to　it。　　It　appears　to　me

that　the　magistrates　ought　to　talk。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　no　sooner　heard　this　suggestion　than　he　touched　a

small　spring　in　each　of　the　two　models　of　magistrates　which　were

placed　upon　the　table；　one　of　the　figures　immediately　began　to

exclaim　with　great　volubility　that　he　was　sorry　to　see　gentlemen　in

such　a　situation；　and　the　other　to　express　a　fear　that　the

policeman　was　intoxicated。



'The　section；　as　with　one　accord；　declared　with　a　shout　of　applause

that　the　invention　was　complete；　and　the　President；　much　excited；

retired　with　Mr。　Coppernose　to　lay　it　before　the　council。　　On　his

return；



'MR。　TICKLE　displayed　his　newly…invented　spectacles；　which　enabled

the　wearer　to　discern；　in　very　bright　colours；　objects　at　a　great

distance；　and　rendered　him　wholly　blind　to　those　immediately　before

him。　　It　was；　he　said；　a　most　valuable　and　useful　invention；　based

strictly　upon　the　principle　of　the　human　eye。



'THE　PRESIDENT　required　some　information　upon　this　point。　　He　had

yet　to　learn　that　the　human　eye　was　remarkable　for　the

peculiarities　of　which　the　honourable　gentleman　had　spoken。



'MR。　TICKLE　was　rather　ast