the complete writings-4-第18章

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　mad；〃　and　as　soon　as　one　took　hold　he　would　give　an　awful　jerk；　sending　the　fish　more　than　three　hundred　feet　into　the　air　and　landing　it　in　the　bushes　the　other　side　of　the　meadow；　crying　out；　〃Gul　darn　ye；　I'll　learn　ye。〃　　And　John　wondered　if　Ed　would　take　the　little　trout　out　any　more　gently　now。

John　felt　more　and　more　lonesome　as　one　after　another　of　his　playmates　came　out　and　made　a　profession。　　Cynthia　（she　too　was　older　than　John）　sat　on　Sunday　in　the　singers'　seat；　her　voice；　which　was　going　to　be　a　contralto；　had　a　wonderful　pathos　in　it　for　him；　and　he　heard　it　with　a　heartache。　　〃There　she　is；〃　thought　John；　〃singing　away　like　an　angel　in　heaven；　and　I　am　left　out。〃　　During　all　his　after　life　a　contralto　voice　was　to　John　one　of　his　most　bitter　and　heart…wringing　pleasures。　　It　suggested　the　immaculate　scornful；　the　melancholy　unattainable。

If　ever　a　boy　honestly　tried　to　work　himself　into　a　conviction　of　sin；　John　tried。　　And　what　made　him　miserable　was；　that　he　couldn't　feel　miserable　when　everybody　else　was　miserable。　　He　even　began　to　pretend　to　be　so。　　He　put　on　a　serious　and　anxious　look　like　the　others。　　He　pretended　he　did　n't　care　for　play；　he　refrained　from　chasing　chipmunks　and　snaring　suckers；　the　songs　of　birds　and　the　bright　vivacity　of　the　summertime　that　used　to　make　him　turn　hand…　springs　smote　him　as　a　discordant　levity。　　He　was　not　a　hypocrite　at　all；　and　he　was　getting　to　be　alarmed　that　he　was　not　alarmed　at　himself。　　Every　day　and　night　he　heard　that　the　spirit　of　the　Lord　would　probably　soon　quit　striving　with　him；　and　leave　him　out。　　The　phrase　was　that　he　would　〃grieve　away　the　Holy　Spirit。〃　John　wondered　if　he　was　not　doing　it。　　He　did　everything　to　put　himself　in　the　way　of　conviction；　was　constant　at　the　evening　meetings；　wore　a　grave　face；　refrained　from　play；　and　tried　to　feel　anxious。　　At　length　he　concluded　that　he　must　do　something。

One　night　as　he　walked　home　from　a　solemn　meeting；　at　which　several　of　his　little　playmates　had　〃come　forward；〃　he　felt　that　he　could　force　the　crisis。　　He　was　alone　on　the　sandy　road；　it　was　an　enchanting　summer　night；　the　stars　danced　overhead；　and　by　his　side　the　broad　and　shallow　river　ran　over　its　stony　bed　with　a　loud　but　soothing　murmur　that　filled　all　the　air　with　entreaty。　　John　did　not　then　know　that　it　sang；　〃But　I　go　on　forever；〃　yet　there　was　in　it　for　him　something　of　the　solemn　flow　of　the　eternal　world。　　When　he　came　in　sight　of　the　house；　he　knelt　down　in　the　dust　by　a　pile　of　rails　and　prayed。　　He　prayed　that　he　might　feel　bad；　and　be　distressed　about　himself。　　As　he　prayed　he　heard　distinctly；　and　yet　not　as　a　disturbance；　the　multitudinous　croaking　of　the　frogs　by　the　meadow　spring。　　It　was　not　discordant　with　his　thoughts；　it　had　in　it　a　melancholy　pathos；　as　if　it　were　a　kind　of　call　to　the　unconverted。　What　is　there　in　this　sound　that　suggests　the　tenderness　of　spring；　the　despair　of　a　summer　night；　the　desolateness　of　young　love？　　Years　after　it　happened　to　John　to　be　at　twilight　at　a　railway　station　on　the　edge　of　the　Ravenna　marshes。　　A　little　way　over　the　purple　plain　he　saw　the　darkening　towers　and　heard　〃the　sweet　bells　of　Imola。〃　The　Holy　Pontiff　Pius　IX。　was　born　at　Imola；　and　passed　his　boyhood　in　that　serene　and　moist　region。　　As　the　train　waited；　John　heard　from　miles　of　marshes　round　about　the　evening　song　of　millions　of　frogs；　louder　and　more　melancholy　and　entreating　than　the　vesper　call　of　the　bells。　　And　instantly　his　mind　went　back　for　the　association　of　sound　is　as　subtle　as　that　of　odorto　the　prayer；　years　ago；　by　the　roadside　and　the　plaintive　appeal　of　the　unheeded　frogs；　and　he　wondered　if　the　little　Pope　had　not　heard　the　like　importunity；　and　perhaps；　when　he　thought　of　himself　as　a　little　Pope；　associated　his　conversion　with　this　plaintive　sound。

John　prayed；　but　without　feeling　any　worse；　and　then　went　desperately　into　the　house；　and　told　the　family　that　he　was　in　an　anxious　state　of　mind。　　This　was　joyful　news　to　the　sweet　and　pious　household；　and　the　little　boy　was　urged　to　feel　that　he　was　a　sinner；　to　repent；　and　to　become　that　night　a　Christian；　he　was　prayed　over；　and　told　to　read　the　Bible；　and　put　to　bed　with　the　injunction　to　repeat　all　the　texts　of　Scripture　and　hymns　he　could　think　of。　　John　did　this；　and　said　over　and　over　the　few　texts　he　was　master　of；　and　tossed　about　in　a　real　discontent　now；　for　he　had　a　dim　notion　that　he　was　playing　the　hypocrite　a　little。　　But　he　was　sincere　enough　in　wanting　to　feel；　as　the　other　boys　and　girls　felt；　that　he　was　a　wicked　sinner。　He　tried　to　think　of　his　evil　deeds；　and　one　occurred　to　him；　indeed；　it　often　came　to　his　mind。　　It　was　a　lie；　a　deliberate；　awful　lie；　that　never　injured　anybody　but　himself　John　knew　he　was　not　wicked　enough　to　tell　a　lie　to　injure　anybody　else。

This　was　the　lie。　　One　afternoon　at　school；　just　before　John's　class　was　to　recite　in　geography；　his　pretty　cousin；　a　young　lady　he　held　in　great　love　and　respect；　came　in　to　visit　the　school。　　John　was　a　favorite　with　her；　and　she　had　come　to　hear　him　recite。　　As　it　happened；　John　felt　shaky　in　the　geographical　lesson　of　that　day；　and　he　feared　to　be　humiliated　in　the　presence　of　his　cousin；　he　felt　embarrassed　to　that　degree　that　he　could　n't　have　〃bounded　〃　Massachusetts。　　So　he　stood　up　and　raised　his　hand；　and　said　to　the　schoolma'am；　〃Please；　ma'am；　I　've　got　the　stomach…ache；　may　I　go　home？〃　　And　John's　character　for　truthfulness　was　so　high　（and　even　this　was　ever　a　reproach　to　him）；　that　his　word　was　instantly　believed；　and　he　was　dismissed　without　any　medical　examination。　　For　a　moment　John　was　delighted　to　get　out　of　school　so　early；　but　soon　his　guilt　took　all　the　light　out　of　the　summer　sky　and　the　pleasantness　out　of　nature。　　He　had　to　walk　slowly；　without　a　single　hop　or　jump；　as　became　a　diseased　boy。　　The　sight　of　a　woodchuck　at　a　distance　from　his　well…known　hole　tempted　John；　but　he　restrained　himself；　lest　somebody　should　see　him；　and　know　that　chasing　a　woodchuck　was　inconsistent　with　the　stomach…ache。　　He　was　acting　a　miserable　part；　but　it　had　to　be　gone　through　with。　　He　went　home　and　told　his　mother　the　reason　he　had　left　school；　but　he　added　that　he　felt　〃some〃　better　now。　　The　〃some〃　did　n't　save　him。　　Genuine　sympathy　was　lavished　on　him。　　He　had　to　swallow　a　stiff　dose　of　nasty　〃picra；〃the　horror　of　all　childhood；　and　he　was　put　in　bed　immediately。　　The　world　never　looked　so　pleasant　to　John；　but　to　bed　he　was　forced　to　go。　　He　was　excused　from　all　chores；　he　was　not　even　to　go　after　the　cows。　　John　said　he　thought　he　ought　to　go　after　the　cows；much　as　he　hated　the　business　usually；　he　would　now　willingly　have　wandered　over　the　world　after　cows；and　for　this　heroic　offer；　in　the　condition　he　was；　he　got　credit　for　a　desire　to　do　his　duty；　and　this　unjust　confidence　in　him　added　to　his　torture。　　And　he　had　intended　to　set　his　hooks　that　night　for　eels。　　His　cousin　came　home；　and　sat　by　his　bedside　and　condoled　with　him；　his　schoolma'am　had　sent　word　how　sorry　she　was　for　him；　John　was　Such　a　good　boy。　　All　this　was　dreadful。

He　groaned　in　agony。　　Besides；　he　was　not　to　have　any　supper；　it　would　be　very　dangerous　to　eat　a　morsel。　　The　prospect　was　appalling。　Never　was　there　such　a　long　twilight；　never　before　did　he　hear　so　many　sounds　outdoors　that　he　wanted　to　investigate。　　Being　ill　without　any　illness　was　a　horrible　condition。　　And　he　began　to　have　real　stomach…ache　now；　and　it　ached　because　it　was　empty。　　John　was　hungry　enough　to　have　eaten　the　New　England　Primer。　　But　by　and　by　sleep　came；　and　John　forgot　his　woes　in　dreaming　that　he　knew　where　Madagascar　was　just　as　easy　as　anything。

It　was　this　lie　that　came　back　to　John　the　night　he　was　trying　to　be　affected　by　the　revival。　　And　he　was　very　much　ashamed　of　it；　and　believed　he　would　never　tell　another。　　But　then　he　fell　thinking　whether；　with　the　〃picra；〃　and　the　going　to　bed　in　the　afternoon；　and　the　loss　of　his　supper；　he　had　not　been　sufficiently　paid　for　it。　And　in　this　unhopeful　frame　of　mind　he　dropped　off　in　sleep。

And　the　truth　must　be　told；　that　in　the　morning　John　was　no　nearer　to　realizing　the　terrors　he　desired　to　feel。　　But　he　was　a　conscientious　boy；　and　would　do　nothi