a far country-第99章
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about by the illness of a man whom I loved and admired； I should have
thought the prospect dazzling indeed； part and parcel of my amazing luck。
But nownow I was in an emotional state that distorted the factors of
life； all those things I hitherto had valued； even such a prize as this I
weighed in terms of one supreme desire： how would the acceptance of the
senatorship affect the accomplishment of this desire？ That was the
question。 I began making rapid calculations： the actual election would
take place in the legislature a year from the following January； provided
I were able to overcome Nancy's resistancewhich I was determined to do…
…nothing in the way of divorce proceedings could be thought of for more
than a year； and I feared delay。 On the other hand； if we waited until
after I had been duly elected to get my divorce and marry Nancy my
chances of reelection would be small。 What did I care for the
senatorship anywayif I had her？ and I wanted her now； as soon as I
could get her。 Shea life with her represented new values； new values I
did not define； that made all I had striven for in the past of little
worth。 This was a bauble compared with the companionship of the woman I
loved； the woman intended for me； who would give me peace of mind and
soul and develop those truer aspirations that had long been thwarted and
starved for lack of her。 Gradually； as she regained the ascendency over
my mind she ordinarily heldand from which she had been temporarily
displaced by the arrival of Mr。 Watling's letter and the talk in the
bankI became impatient and irritated by the intrusion。 But what answer
should I give to Dickinson and Gorse？ what excuse for declining such an
offer？ I decided； as may be imagined； to wait； to temporize。
The irony of circumstancesof what might have beenprevented now my
laying this trophy at Nancy's feet； for I knew I had only to mention the
matter to be certain of losing her。
XXIII。
I had bought a small automobile； which I ran myself； and it was my custom
to arrive at the farm every evening about five o'clock。 But as I look
back upon those days they seem to have lost succession； to be fused
together； as it were； into one indeterminable period by the intense
pressure of emotion； unsatisfied emotion；and the state of physical and
mental disorganization set up by it is in the retrospect not a little
terrifying。 The world grew more and more distorted； its affairs were
neglected； things upon which I had set high values became as nothing。
And even if I could summon back something of the sequence of our
intercourse； it would be a mere repetitiongrowing on my part more
irrational and insistentof what I have already related。 There were
long； troubled； and futile silences when we sat together on the porch or
in the woods and fields； when I wondered whether it were weakness or
strength that caused Nancy to hold out against my importunities： the
fears she professed of retribution； the benumbing effects of the
conventional years； or the deep…rooted remnants of a Calvinism whichas
she proclaimedhad lost definite expression to persist as an intuition。
I recall something she said when she turned to me after one of these
silences。
〃Do you know how I feel sometimes？ as though you and I had wandered
together into a strange country； and lost our way。 We have lost our way；
Hughit's all so clandestine； so feverish； so unnatural； so unrelated to
life； this existence we're leading。 I believe it would be better if it
were a mere case of physical passion。 I can't help it；〃 she went on；
when I had exclaimed against this； 〃we are tootoo complicated； you are
too complicated。 It's because we want the morning stars； don't you see？〃
She wound her fingers tightly around mine。 〃We not only want this； but
all of life besidesyou wouldn't be satisfied with anything less。 Oh； I
know it。 That's your temperament； you were made that way； and I
shouldn't be satisfied if you weren't。 The time would come when you
would blame me I don't mean vulgarlyand I couldn't stand that。 If you
weren't that way； if that weren't your nature； I mean； I should have
given way long ago。〃
I made some sort of desperate protest。
〃No； if I didn't know you so well I believe I should have given in long
ago。 I'm not thinking of you alone； but of myself； too。 I'm afraid I
shouldn't be happy； that I should begin to thinkand then I couldn't
stop。 The plain truth； as I've told you over and over again； is that I'm
not big enough。〃 She continued smiling at me； a smile on which I could
not bear to look。 〃I was wrong not to have gone away；〃 I heard her say。
〃I will go away。〃
I was； at the time； too profoundly discouraged to answer。。。。
One evening after an exhausting talk we sat； inert； on the grass hummock
beside the stream。 Heavy clouds had gathered in the sky； the light had
deepened to amethyst； the valley was still； swooning with expectancy；
louder and louder the thunder rolled from behind the distant hills； and
presently a veil descended to hide them from our view。 Great drops began
to fall； unheeded。
〃We must go in；〃 said Nancy； at length。
I followed her across the field and through the orchard。 From the porch
we stood gazing out at the whitening rain that blotted all save the
nearer landscape； and the smell of wet； midsummer grasses will always be
associated with the poignancy of that moment。。。。 At dinner； between the
intervals of silence； our talk was of trivial things。 We made a mere
pretence of eating； and I remember having my attention arrested by the
sight of a strange； pitying expression on the face of Mrs。 Olsen； who
waited on us。 Before that the woman had been to me a mere ministering
automaton。 But she must have had ideas and opinions； this transported
Swedish peasant。。。。 Presently； having cleared the table； she retired。。。。
The twilight deepened to dusk； to darkness。 The storm； having spent the
intensity of its passion in those first moments of heavy downpour and
wind； had relaxed to a gentle rain that pattered on the roof； and from
the stream came recurringly the dirge of the frogs。 All I could see of
Nancy was the dim outline of her head and shoulders： she seemed
fantastically to be escaping me； to be fading； to be going； in sudden
desperation I dropped on my knees beside her； and I felt her hands
straying with a light yet agonized touch； over my head。
〃Do you think I haven't suffered； too？ that I don't suffer？〃 I heard her
ask。
Some betraying note for which I had hitherto waited in vain must have
pierced to my consciousness； yet the quiver of joy and the swift；
convulsive movement that followed it seemed one。 Her strong； lithe body
was straining in my arms； her lips returning my kisses。。。。 Clinging to
her hands； I strove to summon my faculties of realization； and I began to
speak in broken； endearing sentences。
〃It's stronger than we arestronger than anything else in the world；〃
she said。
〃But you're not sorry？〃 I asked。
〃I don't want to thinkI don't care；〃 she replied。 〃I only know that I
love you。 I wonder if you will ever know how much！〃
The moments lengthened into hours； and she gently reminded me that it was
late。 The lights in the little farmhouses near by had long been
extinguished。 I pleaded to linger； I wanted her； more of her； all of her
with a fierce desire that drowned rational thought； and I feared that
something might still come between us； and cheat me of her。
〃No； no；〃 she cried； with fear in her voice。 〃We shall have to think it
out very carefullywhat we must do。 We can't afford to make any
mistakes。〃
〃We'll talk it all over to…morrow；〃 I said。
With a last； reluctant embrace I finally left her； walked blindly to
where the motor car was standing； and started the engine。 I looked back。
Outlined in the light of the doorway I saw her figure in what seemed an
attitude of supplication。。。。
I drove cityward through the rain； mechanically taking the familiar turns
in the road； barely missing a man in a buggy at a four…corners。 He
shouted after me； but the world to which he belonged didn't exist。 I
lived again those moments that had followed Nancy's surren
