a far country-第98章
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occasional visions。 We didn't know what they meant； or how to set about
their accomplishment； but they were not； at least； mere selfish
aspirations； they implied； unconsciously no doubt； an element of service；
and certainly our ideal of marriage had something fine in it。〃
〃Isn't it for a higher ideal of marriage that we are searching？〃 I asked。
〃If that is so；〃 Nancy objected； 〃then all the other elements of our
lives are sadly out of tune with it。 Even the most felicitous union of
the sexes demands sacrifice； an adjustment of wills； and these are the
very things we balk at； and the trouble with our entire class in this
country is that we won't acknowledge any responsibility； there's no
sacrifice in our eminence； we have no sense of the whole。〃
〃Where did you get all these ideas？〃 I demanded。
She laughed。
〃Well；〃 she admitted； 〃I've been thrashing around a little； and I've read
some of the moderns； you know。 Do you remember my telling you I didn't
agree with them？ and now this thing has come on me like a judgment。 I've
caught their mania for liberty； for self…realizationwhatever they call
itbut their remedies are vague； they fail to convince me that
individuals achieve any quality by just taking what they want； regardless
of others。〃。。。。
I was unable to meet this argument； and the result was that when I was
away from her I too began to 〃thrash around〃 among the books in a vain
search for a radical with a convincing and satisfying philosophy。 Thus
we fly to literature in crises of the heart！ There was no lack of
writers who sought to dealand deal triumphantly with the very situation
in which I was immersed。 I marked many passages； to read them over to
Nancy； who was interested； but who accused me of being willing to embrace
any philosophy； ancient or modern； that ran with the stream of my
desires。 It is worth recording that the truth of this struck home。 On
my way back to the city I reflected that； in spite of my protests against
Maude's goingprotests wholly sentimental and impelled by the desire to
avoid giving pain on the spotI had approved of her departure because I
didn't want her。 On the other hand I had to acknowledge if I hadn't
wanted Nancy； or rather； if I had become tired of her； I should have been
willing to endorse her scruples。。。。 It was not a comforting thought。
One morning when I was absently opening the mail I found at my office I
picked up a letter from Theodore Watling； written from a seaside resort
in Maine； the contents of which surprised and touched me； troubled me；
and compelled me to face a situation with which I was wholly unprepared
to cope。 He announced that this was to be his last term in the Senate。
He did not name the trouble his physician had discovered； but he had been
warned that he must retire from active life。 〃The specialist whom I saw
in New York；〃 he went on； 〃wished me to resign at once； but when I
pointed out to him how unfair this would be to my friends in the state；
to my party as a wholeespecially in these serious and unsettled times
he agreed that I might with proper care serve out the remainder of my
term。 I have felt it my duty to write to Barbour and Dickinson and one
or two others in order that they might be prepared and that no time may
be lost in choosing my successor。 It is true that the revolt within the
party has never gained much headway in our state； but in these days it is
difficult to tell when and where a conflagration may break out； or how
far it will go。 I have ventured to recommend to them the man who seems
to me the best equipped to carry on the work I have
been trying to do herein short； my dear Hugh； yourself。 The Senate； as
you know； is not a bed of roses just now for those who think as we do；
but I have the less hesitancy in making the recommendation because I
believe you are not one to shun a fight for the convictions we hold in
common； and because you would regard； with me； the election of a senator
with the new views as a very real calamity。 If sound business men and
lawyers should be eliminated from the Senate； I could not contemplate
with any peace of mind what might happen to the country。 In thus urging
you； I know you will believe me when I say that my affection and judgment
are equally involved； for it would be a matter of greater pride than I
can express to have you follow me here as you have followed me at home。
And I beg of you seriously to consider it。。。。 I understand that Maude
and the children are abroad。 Remember me to them affectionately when you
write。 If you can find it convenient to come here； to Maine； to discuss
the matter； you may be sure of a welcome。 In any case； I expect to be in
Washington in September for a meeting of our special committee。
Sincerely and affectionately yours； Theodore Watling。〃
It was characteristic of him that the tone of the letter should be
uniformly cheerful； that he should say nothing whatever of the blow this
must be to his ambitions and hopes； and my agitation at the new and
disturbing prospect thus opened up for me was momentarily swept away by
feelings of affection and sorrow。 A sharp realization came to me of how
much I admired and loved this man； and this was followed by a pang at the
thought of the disappointment my refusal would give him。 Complications I
did not wish to examine were then in the back of my mind； and while I
still sat holding the letter in my hand the telephone rang； and a message
came from Leonard Dickinson begging me to call at the bank at once。
Miller Gorse was there； and Tallant； waving a palm…leaf while sitting
under the electric fan。 They were all very grave； and they began to talk
about the suddenness of Mr。 Watling's illness and to speculate upon its
nature。 Leonard Dickinson was the most moved of the three； but they were
all distressed； and showed iteven Tallant； whom I had never credited
with any feelings； they spoke about the loss to the state。 At length
Gorse took a cigar from his pocket and lighted it； the smoke； impelled by
the fan； drifted over the panelled partition into the bank。
〃I suppose Mr。 Watling mentioned to you what he wrote to us；〃 he said。
〃Yes；〃 I admitted。
〃Well；〃 he asked； 〃what do you think of it？〃
〃I attribute it to Mr。 Watling's friendship；〃 I replied。
〃No；〃 said Gorse； in his businesslike manner； 〃Watling's right； there's
no one else。〃 Considering the number of inhabitants of our state； this
remark had its humorous aspect。
〃That's true；〃 Dickinson put in； 〃there's no one else available who
understands the situation as you do； Hugh； no one else we can trust as we
trust you。 I had a wire from Mr。 Barbour this morninghe agrees。 We'll
miss you here； but now that Watling will be gone we'll need you there。
And he's rightit's something we've got to decide on right away； and get
started on soon； we can't afford to wobble and run any chances of a
revolt。〃
〃It isn't everybody the senatorship comes to on a platterespecially at
your age；〃 said Tallant。
〃To tell you the truth；〃 I answered； addressing Dickinson； 〃I'm not
prepared to talk about it now。 I appreciate the honour； but I'm not at
all sure I'm the right man。 And I've been considerably upset by this
news of Mr。 Watling。〃
〃Naturally you would be；〃 said the banker； sympathetically； 〃and we share
your feelings。 I don't know of any man for whom I have a greater
affection than I have for Theodore Wading。 We shouldn't have mentioned
it now； Hugh； if Watling hadn't started the thing himself； if it weren't
important to know where we stand right away。 We can't afford to lose the
seat。 Take your time； but remember you're the man we depend upon。〃
Gorse nodded。 I was aware； all the time Dickinson was speaking； of being
surrounded by the strange； disquieting gaze of the counsel for the
Railroad。。。。
I went back to my office to spend an uneasy morning。 My sorrow for Mr。
Watling was genuine； but nevertheless I found myself compelled to
consider an honour no man lightly refuses。 Had it presented itself at
any other time； had it been due to a happier situation than that brought
about by the illness of a man whom I loved and admired； I should h
