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第94章

a far country-第94章

小说: a far country 字数: 每页4000字

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once in a while; during the day; when the tension relaxed; the
recollection of what had happened flowed back into my consciousness。
Maude was going!

I had telephoned Nancy; making an appointment for the afternoon。
Sometimesnot too frequentlywe were in the habit of going out into the
country in one of her motors; a sort of landaulet; I believe; in which we
were separated from the chauffeur by a glass screen。  She was waiting for
me when I arrived; at four; and as soon as we had shot clear of the city;
〃Maude is going away;〃 I told her。

〃Going away?〃 she repeated; struck more by the tone of my voice than by
what I had said。

〃She announced last night that she was going abroad indefinitely。〃

I had been more than anxious to see how Nancy would take the news。  A
flush gradually deepened in her cheeks。

〃You mean that she is going to leave you?〃

〃It looks that way。  In fact; she as much as said so。〃

〃Why?〃 said Nancy。

〃Well; she explained it pretty thoroughly。  Apparently; it isn't a sudden
decision;〃 I replied; trying to choose my words; to speak composedly as I
repeated the gist of our conversation。  Nancy; with her face averted;
listened in silencea silence that continued some time after I had
ceased to speak。

〃She didn'tshe didn't mention?〃 the sentence remained unfinished。

〃No;〃 I said quickly; 〃she didn't。  She must know; of course; but I'm
sure that didn't enter into it。〃

Nancy's eyes as they returned to me were wet; and in them was an
expression I had never seen before;of pain; reproach; of questioning。
It frightened me。

〃Oh; Hugh; how little you know!〃 she cried。

〃What do you mean?〃 I demanded。

〃That is what has brought her to this decisionyou and I。〃

〃You mean thatthat Maude loves me?  That she is jealous?〃  I don't know
how I managed to say it。

〃No woman likes to think that she is a failure;〃 murmured Nancy。

〃Well; but she isn't really;〃 I insisted。  〃She could have made another
man happya better man。  It was all one of those terrible mistakes our
modern life seems to emphasize so。〃

〃She is a woman;〃 Nancy said; with what seemed a touch of vehemence。
〃It's useless to expect you to understand。。。。  Do you remember what I
said to you about her?  How I appealed to you when you married to try to
appreciate her?〃

〃It wasn't that I didn't appreciate her;〃 I interrupted; surprised that
Nancy should have recalled this; 〃she isn't the woman for me; we aren't
made for each other。  It was my mistake; my fault; I admit; but I don't
agree with you at all; that we had anything to do with her decision。  It
is just thethe culmination of a long period of incompatibility。  She
has come to realize that she has only one life to live; and she seems
happier; more composed; more herself than she has ever been since our
marriage。  Of course I don't mean to say it isn't painful for her。。。。
But I am sure she isn't well; that it isn't because of our seeing one
another;〃 I concluded haltingly。

〃She is finer than either of us; Hugh;far finer。〃

I did not relish this statement。

〃She's fine; I admit。  But I can't see how under the circumstances any of
us could have acted differently。〃  And Nancy not replying; I continued:
〃She has made up her mind to go;I suppose I could prevent it by taking
extreme measures;but what good would it do?  Isn't it; after all; the
most sensible; the only way out of a situation that has become
impossible?  Times have changed; Nancy; and you yourself have been the
first to admit it。  Marriage is no longer what it was; and people are
coming to look upon it more sensibly。  In order to perpetuate the
institution; as it was; segregation; insulation; was the only course。
Men segregated their wives; women their husbands;the only logical
method of procedure; but it limited the individual。  Our mothers and
fathers thought it scandalous if husband or wife paid visits alone。  It
wasn't done。  But our modern life has changed all that。  A marriage; to
be a marriage; should be proof against disturbing influences; should
leave the individuals free; the binding element should be love; not the
force of an imposed authority。  You seemed to agree to all this。〃

〃Yes; I know;〃 she admitted。  〃But I cannot think that happiness will
ever grow out of unhappiness。〃

〃But Maude will not be unhappy;〃 I insisted。  〃She will be happier; far
happier; now that she has taken the step。〃

〃Oh; I wish I thought so;〃 Nancy exclaimed。  〃Hugh; you always believe
what you want to believe。  And the children。  How can you bear to part
with them?〃

I was torn; I had a miserable sense of inadequacy。

〃I shall miss them;〃 I said。  〃I have never really appreciated them。  I
admit I don't deserve to have them; and I am willing to give them up for
you; for Maude。。。〃

We had made one of our favourite drives among the hills on the far side
of the Ashuela; and at six were back at Nancy's house。  I did not go in;
but walked slowly homeward up Grant Avenue。  It had been a trying
afternoon。  I had not expected; indeed; that Nancy would have rejoiced;
but her attitude; her silences; betraying; as they did; compunctions;
seemed to threaten our future happiness。




XXII。

One evening two or three days later I returned from the office to gaze up
at my house; to realize suddenly that it would be impossible for me to
live there; in those great; empty rooms; alone; and I told Maude that I
would go to the Clubduring her absence。  I preferred to keep up the
fiction that her trip would only be temporary。  She forbore from
contradicting me; devoting herself efficiently to the task of closing the
house; making it seem; somehow; a rite;the final rite in her capacity
as housewife。  The drawing…room was shrouded; and the library; the books
wrapped neatly in paper; a smell of camphor pervaded the place; the
cheerful schoolroom was dismantled; trunks and travelling bags appeared。
The solemn butler packed my clothes; and I arranged for a room at the
Club in the wing that recently had been added for the accommodation of
bachelors and deserted husbands。  One of the ironies of those days was
that the children began to suggest again possibilities of happiness I had
missedespecially Matthew。  With all his gentleness; the boy seemed to
have a precocious understanding of the verities; and the capacity for
suffering which as a child I had possessed。  But he had more self…
control。  Though he looked forward to the prospect of new scenes and
experiences with the anticipation natural to his temperament; I thought
he betrayed at moments a certain intuition as to what was going on。

〃When are you coming over; father?〃 he asked once。  〃How soon will your
business let you?〃

He had been brought up in the belief that my business was a tyrant。

〃Oh; soon; Matthew;sometime soon;〃 I said。

I had a feeling that he understood me; not intellectually; but
emotionally。  What a companion he might have been!。。。。  Moreton and Biddy
moved me less。  They were more robust; more normal; less introspective
and imaginative; Europe meant nothing to them; but they were frankly
delighted and excited at the prospect of going on the ocean; asking
dozens of questions about the great ship; impatient to embark。。。。。

〃I shan't need all that; Hugh;〃 Maude said; when I handed her a letter of
credit。  〃II intend to live quite simply; and my chief expenses will be
the children's education。  I am going to give them the best; of course。〃

〃Of course;〃 I replied。  〃But I want you to live over there as you have
been accustomed to live here。  It's not exactly generosity on my part;I
have enough; and more than enough。〃

She took the letter。

〃Another thingI'd rather you didn't go to New York with us; Hugh。  I
know you are busy〃

〃Of course I'm going;〃 I started to protest。

〃No;〃 she went on; firmly。  〃I'd rather you didn't。  The hotel people
will put me on the steamer very comfortably;and there are other reasons
why I do not wish it。〃  I did not insist。。。。  On the afternoon of her
departure; when I came uptown; I found her pinning some roses on her
jacket。

〃Perry and Lucia sent them;〃 she informed me。  She maintained the
friendly; impersonal manner to the ve

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