a far country-第93章
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I turned。
〃Don't you think you've overdrawn things； Maude exaggerated them？ No
marriages are perfect。 You've let your mind dwell until it has become
inflamed on matters which really don't amount to much。〃
〃I was never saner； Hugh；〃 she replied instantly。 And indeed I was
forced to confess that she looked it。 That new Maude I had seen emerging
of late years seemed now to have found herself； she was no longer the
woman I had married；yielding； willing to overlook； anxious to please；
living in me。
〃I don't influence you； or help you in any way。 I never have。〃
〃Oh； that's not true；〃 I protested。
But she cut me short； going on inexorably：
〃I am merely your housekeeper； and rather a poor one at that； from your
point of view。 You ignore me。 I am not blaming you for ityou are made
that way。 It's true that you have always supported me in luxury； that
might have been enough for another woman。 It isn't enough for meI；
too； have a life to live； a soul to be responsible for。 It's not for my
sake so much as for the children's that I don't want it to be crushed。〃
〃Crushed！〃 I repeated。
〃Yes。 You are stifling it。 I say again that I'm not blaming you； Hugh。
You are made differently from me。 All you care for； really； is your
career。 You may think that you care； at times； forother things； but it
isn't so。〃
I took； involuntarily； a deep breath。 Would she mention Nancy？ Was it
in reality Nancy who had brought about this crisis？ And did Maude
suspect the closeness of that relationship？
Suddenly I found myself begging her not to go； the more astonishing
since； if at any time during the past winter this solution had presented
itself to me as a possibility； I should eagerly have welcomed it！ But
should I ever have had the courage to propose a separation？ I even
wished to delude myself now into believing that what she suggested was in
reality not a separation。 I preferred to think of it as a trip。。。。 A
vision of freedom thrilled me； and yet I was wracked and torn。 I had an
idea that she was suffering； that the ordeal was a terrible one for her；
and at that moment there crowded into my mind； melting me； incident after
incident of our past。
〃It seems to me that we have got along pretty well together； Maude。 I
have been negligentI'll admit it。 But I'll try to do better in the
future。 Andif you'll wait a month or so； I'll go to Europe with you；
and we'll have a good time。〃
She looked at me sadly；pityingly； I thought。
〃No； Hugh； I've thought it all out。 You really don't want me。 You only
say this because you are sorry for me； because you dislike to have your
feelings wrung。 You needn't be sorry for me； I shall be much happier
away from you。〃
〃Think it over； Maude；〃 I pleaded。 〃I shall miss you and the children。
I haven't paid much attention to them； either； but I am fond of them； and
depend upon them； too。〃
She shook her head。
〃It's no use； Hugh。 I tell you I've thought it all out。 You don't care
for the children； you were never meant to have any。〃
〃Aren't you rather severe in your judgments？〃
〃I don't think so；〃 she answered。 〃I'm willing to admit my faults； that
I am a failure so far as you are concerned。 Your ideas of life and mine
are far apart。〃
〃I suppose；〃 I exclaimed bitterly； 〃that you are referring to my
professional practices。〃
A note of weariness crept into her voice。 I might have known that she
was near the end of her strength。
〃No； I don't think it's that；〃 she said dispassionately。 〃I prefer to
put it down； that part of it； to a fundamental difference of ideas。 I do
not feel qualified to sit in judgment on that part of your life； although
I'll admit that many of the things you have done； in common with the men
with whom you are associated； have seemed to me unjust and inconsiderate
of the rights and feelings of others。 You have alienated some of your
best friends。 If I were to arraign you at all； it would be on the score
of heartlessness。 But I suppose it isn't your fault； that you haven't
any heart。〃
〃That's unfair；〃 I put in。
〃I don't wish to be unfair；〃 she replied。 〃Only； since you ask me； I
have to tell you that that is the way it seems to me。 I don't want to
introduce the question of right and wrong into this； Hugh； I'm not
capable of unravelling it； I can't put myself into your life； and see
things from your point of view； weigh your problems and difficulties。 In
the first place； you won't let me。 I think I understand you； partlybut
only partly。 You have kept yourself shut up。 But why discuss it？ I
have made up my mind。〃
The legal aspect of the matter occurred to me。 What right had she to
leave me？ I might refuse to support her。 Yet even as these thoughts
came I rejected them； I knew that it was not in me to press this point。
And she could always take refuge with her father； without the children；
of course。 But the very notion sickened me。 I could not bear to think
of Maude deprived of the children。 I had seated myself again at the
table。 I put my hand to my forehead。
〃Don't make it hard； Hugh；〃 I heard her say； gently。 〃Believe me； it is
best。 I know。 There won't be any talk about it；right away； at any
rate。 People will think it natural that I should wish to go abroad for
the summer。 And laterwell； the point of view about such affairs has
changed。 They are better understood。〃
She had risen。 She was pale； still outwardly composed；but I had a
strange； hideous feeling that she was weeping inwardly。
〃Aren't you coming backever？〃 I cried。
She did not answer at once。
〃I don't know；〃 she said； 〃I don't know；〃 and left the room abruptly。。。。
I wanted to follow her； but something withheld me。 I got up and walked
around the room in a state of mind that was near to agony； taking one of
the neglected books out of the shelves； glancing at its meaningless
print； and replacing it； I stirred the fire； opened the curtains and
gazed out into the street and closed them again。 I looked around me； a
sudden intensity of hatred seized me for this big； silent； luxurious
house； I recalled Maude's presentiment about it。 Then； thinking I might
still dissuade her； I went slowly up the padded stairwayto find her
door locked； and a sense of the finality of her decision came over me。 I
knew then that I could not alter it even were I to go all the lengths of
abjectness。 Nor could I； I knew； have brought myself to have feigned a
love I did not feel。
What was it I felt？ I could not define it。 Amazement； for one thing；
that Maude with her traditional； Christian view of marriage should have
come to such a decision。 I went to my room； undressed mechanically and
got into bed。。。。
She gave no sign at the breakfast table of having made the decision of
the greatest moment in our lives； she conversed as usual； asked about the
news； reproved the children for being noisy； and when the children had
left the table there were no tears； reminiscences； recriminations。 In
spite of the slight antagonism and envy of which I was conscious；that
she was thus superbly in command of the situation； that she had developed
her pinions and was thus splendidly able to use them；my admiration for
her had never been greater。 I made an effort to achieve the frame of
mind she suggested： since she took it so calmly； why should I be tortured
by the tragedy of it？ Perhaps she had ceased to love me； after all！
Perhaps she felt nothing but relief。 At any rate； I was grateful to her；
and I found a certain consolation； a sop to my pride in the reflection
that the initiative must have been hers to take。 I could not have
deserted her。
〃When do you think of leaving？〃 I asked。
〃Two weeks from Saturday on the Olympic； if that is convenient for you。〃
Her manner seemed one of friendly solicitude。 〃You will remain in the
house this summer； as usual； I suppose？〃
〃Yes；〃 I said。
It was a sunny； warm morning； and I went downtown in the motor almost
blithely。 It was the best solution after all； and I had been a fool to
oppose it。。。。 At the office； there was much business awaiting me； yet
once in a while； during the day； when the tension relaxed； the
rec
