a far country-第89章

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not。　　I　could　not　tell　why：　perhaps　it　was　because　she　seemed　to　have
passed　beyond　mefar　beyondin　realization。　　And　she　was　so　still！

〃We　have　missed　the　way；　Hugh；〃　she　whispered；　at　last。

〃But　we　can　find　it　again；　if　we　seek　it　together；〃　I　urged。

〃Ah；　if　I　only　could！〃　she　said。　　〃I　could　have　once。　　But　now　I'm
afraidafraid　of　getting　lost。〃　　Slowly　she　straightened　up；　her　hands
falling　into　her　lap。　　I　seized　them　again；　I　was　on　my　knees　in　front　of
her；　before　the　fire；　and　she；　intent；　looking　down　at　me；　into　me；
through　me　it　seemedat　something　beyond　which　yet　was　me。

〃Hugh；〃　she　asked；　〃what　do　you　believe？　　Anything？〃

〃What　do　I　believe？〃

〃Yes。　　I　don't　mean　any　cant；　cut…and…dried　morality。　　The　world　is
getting　beyond　that。　　But　have　you；　in　your　secret　soul；　any　religion　at
all？　　Do　you　ever　think　about　it？　　I'm　not　speaking　about　anything
orthodox；　but　some　religioneven　a　tiny　speck　of　it；　a　germharmonizing
with　life；　with　that　power　we　feel　in　us　we　seek　to　express　and
continually　violate。〃

〃Nancy！〃　I　exclaimed。

〃Answer　meanswer　me　truthfully；〃　she　said。。。。

I　was　silent；　my　thoughts　whirling　like　dust　atoms　in　a　storm。

〃You　have　always　taken　thingstaken　what　you　wanted。　　But　they　haven't
satisfied　you；　convinced　you　that　that　is　all　of　life。〃

〃Do　you　meanthat　we　should　renounce？〃　I　faltered。

〃I　don't　know　what　I　mean。　　I　am　asking；　Hugh；　asking。　　Haven't　you　any
clew？　　Isn't　there　any　voice　in　you；　anywhere；　deep　down；　that　can　tell
me？　give　me　a　hint？　just　a　little　one？〃

I　was　wracked。　　My　passion　had　not　left　me；　it　seemed　to　be　heightened；
and　I　pressed　her　hands　against　her　knees。　　It　was　incredible　that　my
hands　should　be　there；　in　hers；　feeling　her。　　Her　beauty　seemed　as　fresh；
as　un…wasted　as　the　day；　long　since；　when　I　despaired　of　her。　　And　yet
and　yet　against　the　tumult　and　beating　of　this　passion　striving　to　throb
down　thought；　thought　strove。　　Though　I　saw　her　as　a　woman；　my　senses　and
my　spirit　commingled　and　swooned　together。

〃This　is　life；〃　I　murmured；　scarcely　knowing　what　I　said。

〃Oh；　my　dear！〃　she　cried；　and　her　voice　pierced　me　with　pain；　〃are　we　to
be　lost；　overpowered；　engulfed；　swept　down　its　stream；　to　come　up　below
driftingwreckage？　　Where；　then；　would　be　your　power？　　I'm　not　speaking
of　myself。　　Isn't　life　more　than　that？　　Isn't　it　in　us；　too；in　you？
Think；　Hugh。　　Is　there　no　god；　anywhere；　but　this　force　we　feel；
restlessly　creating　only　to　destroy？　　You　must　answeryou　must　find
out。〃

I　cannot　describe　the　pleading　passion　in　her　voice；　as　though　hell　and
heaven　were　wrestling　in　it。　　The　woman　I　saw；　tortured　yet　uplifted；　did
not　seem　to　be　Nancy；　yet　it　was　the　woman　I　loved　more　than　life　itself
and　always　had　loved。

〃I　can't　think；〃　I　answered　desperately；　〃I　can　only　feeland　I　can't
express　what　I　feel。　　It's　mixed；　it's　dim；　and　yet　bright　and　shining
it's　you。〃

〃No；　it's　you；〃　she　said　vehemently。　　〃Yon　must　interpret　it。〃　　Her　voice
sank：　〃Could　it　be　God？〃　she　asked。

〃God！〃　I　exclaimed　sharply。

Her　hands　fell　away　from　mine。。。。　　The　silence　was　broken　only　by　the
crackling　of　the　wood　fire　as　a　log　turned　over　and　fell。　　Never　before；
in　all　our　intercourse　that　I　could　remember；　had　she　spoken　to　me　about
religion。。。。　　With　that　apparent　snap　in　continuity　incomprehensible　to
the　masculine　mind…her　feminine　mood　had　changed。　　Elements　I　had　never
suspected；　in　Nancy；　awe；　even　a　hint　of　despair；　entered　into　it；　and
when　my　hand　found　hers　again；　the　very　quality　of　its　convulsive
pressure　seemed　to　have　changed。　　I　knew　then　that　it　was　her　soul
I　loved　most；　I　had　been　swept　all　unwittingly　to　its　very　altar。

〃I　believe　it　is　God；〃　I　said。　　But　she　continued　to　gaze　at　me；　her　lips
parted；　her　eyes　questioning。

〃Why　is　it；〃　she　demanded；　〃that　after　all　these　centuries　of　certainty
we　should　have　to　start　out　to　find　him　again？　　Why　is　it　when　something
happens　likelike　this；　that　we　should　suddenly　be　torn　with　doubts
about　him；　when　we　have　lived　the　best　part　of　our　lives　without　so　much
as　thinking　of　him？〃

〃Why　should　you　have　qualms？〃　I　said。　　〃Isn't　this　enough？　and　doesn't　it
promiseall？〃

〃I　don't　know。　　They're　not　qualmsin　the　old　sense。〃　　She　smiled　down
at　me　a　little　tearfully。　　〃Hugh；　do　you　remember　when　we　used　to　go　to
Sunday…school　at　Dr。　Pound's　church；　and　Mrs。　Ewan　taught　us？　　I　really
believed　something　thenthat　Moses　brought　down　the　ten　commandments　of
God　from　the　mountain；　all　written　out　definitely　for　ever　and　ever。　　And
I　used　to　think　of　marriage〃　（I　felt　a　sharp　twinge）；　〃of　marriage　as
something　sacred　and　inviolable；something　ordained　by　God　himself。　　It
ought　to　be　sooughtn't　it？　　That　is　the　ideal。〃

〃Yesbut　aren't　you　confusing？〃　I　began。

〃I　am　confusing　and　confused。　　I　shouldn't　beI　shouldn't　care　if　there
weren't　something　in　you；　in　me；　in　ourfriendship；　_　something　I　can't
explain；　something　that　shines　still　through　the　fog　and　the　smoke　in
which　we　have　lived　our　livessomething　which；　I　think；　we　saw　clearer
as　children。　　We　have　lost　it　in　our　hasty　groping。　　Oh；　Hugh；　I　couldn't
bear　to　think　that　we　should　never　find　it！　that　it　doesn't　really　exist！
Because　I　seem　to　feel　it。　　But　can　we　find　it　this　way；　my　dear？〃　　Her
hand　tightened　on　mine。

〃But　if　the　force　drawing　us　together；　that　has　always　drawn　us　together；
is　God？〃　I　objected。

〃I　asked　you；〃　she　said。　　〃The　time　must　come　when　you　must　answer；　Hugh。
It　may　be　too　late；　but　you　must　answer。〃

〃I　believe　in　taking　life　in　my　own　hands；〃　I　said。

〃It　ought　to　be　life；〃　said　Nancy。　　〃Itit　might　have　been　life。。。。　　It
is　only　when　a　moment；　a　moment　like　this　comes　that　the　quality　of　what
we　have　lived　seems　so　tarnished；　that　the　atmosphere　which　we　ourselves
have　helped　to　make　is　so　sordid。　　When　I　think　of　the　intrigues；　and
divorces；　the　self…indulgences；when　I　think　of　my　own　marriage〃　her
voice　caught。　　〃How　are　we　going　to　better　it；　Hugh；　this　way？　　Am　I　to
get　that　part　of　you　I　love；　and　are　you　to　get　what　you　crave　in　me？
Can　we　just　seize　happiness？　　Will　it　not　elude　us　just　as　much　as　though
we　believed　firmly　in　the　ten　commandments？〃

〃No；〃　I　declared　obstinately。

She　shook　her　head。

〃What　I'm　afraid　of　is　that　the　world　isn't　made　that　wayfor　youfor
me。　　We're　permitted　to　seize　those　other　things　because　they're　just
baubles；　we've　both　found　out　how　worthless　they　are。　　And　the　worst　of
it　is　they've　made　me　a　coward；　Hugh。　　It　isn't　that　I　couldn't　do
without　them；　I've　come　to　depend　on　them　in　another　way。　　It's　because
they　give　me　a　certain　protection；do　you　see？　they've　come　to　stand　in
the　place　of　the　real　convictions　we've　lost。　　Andwell；　we've　taken　the
baubles；　can　we　reach　out　our　hands　and　takethis？　　Won't　we　be　punished
for　it；　frightfully　punished？〃

〃I　don't　care　if　we　are；〃　I　said；　and　surprised　myself。

〃But　I　care。　　It's　weak；　it's　cowardly；　but　it's　so。　　And　yet　I　want　to
face　the　situationI'm　trying　to　get　you　to　face　it；　to　realize　how
terrible　it　is。〃

〃I　only　know　that　I　want　you　above　everything　else　in　the　worldI'll
take　care　of　you〃

I　seized　her　arms；　I　drew　her　down　to　me。

〃Don't！〃　she　cried。　　〃Oh；　don't！〃　and　struggled　to　her　feet　and　stood
before　me　panting。　　〃You　must　go　away　nowplease；　Hugh。　　I　can't　bear
any　moreI　want　to　think。〃

I　released　her。　　She　sank　into　the　chair　and　hid　her　face　in　her
hands。。。。

As　may　be　imagined；　the　incident　I　have　just　related　threw　my　life　into　a
tangle　that　would　have　floored　a　less　persistent　optimist　and　romanticist
than　myself；　yet　I　became　fairly　accustomed　to　treading　what　the　old
moralists　called　the　devious　paths　of　sin。　　In　my　passion　I　had　not
hesitated　to　lay　down　the　doctrine　that　the　courageous　and　the　strong
took　what　they　wanted；a　doctrine　of　which　I　had　been　a　consistent
disciple　in　the　professional　and　business　realm。　　A　logical　buccaneer；
superman；　〃master　of　life〃　would　promptly　have　extended　this　doctrine　to
the　realm　of　sex。　　Nancy　was　the　mate　for　me；　and　Nancy　and　I；　our
development；　was　all　that　mattered；　especially　my　development。　　Let　every
man　and　woman　look　out