a far country-第82章

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busy。〃。。。。

We　filled　the　three　stockings　hung　by　the　great　fireplace。　　Then；　with　a
last　lingering　look　at　the　brightness　of　the　tree；　she　stood　in　the
doorway　and　turned　the　electric　switch。

〃Not　before　seven　to…morrow　morning；　Miss　Allsop；〃　she　said。　　〃Hugh；　you
will　get　up；　won't　you？　　You　mustn't　miss　seeing　them。　　You　can　go　back
to　bed　again。〃

I　promised。

Evidently；　this　was　Reality　to　Maude。　　And　had　it　not　been　one　of　my
dreams　of　marriage；　this　preparing　for　the　children's　Christmas；
remembering　the　fierce　desires　of　my　own　childhood？　　It　struck　me；　after
I　had　kissed　her　good　night　and　retired　to　my　dressing…room；　that　fierce
desires　burned　within　me　still；　but　the　objects　towards　which　their
flames　leaped　out　differed。　　That　was　all。　　Had　I　remained　a　child；　since
my　idea　of　pleasure　was　still　that　of　youth？　　The　craving　far　excitement；
adventure；　was　still　unslaked；　the　craving　far　freedom　as　keen　as　ever。
During　the　whole　of　my　married　life；　I　had　been　conscious　of　an　inner
protest　against　〃settling　down；〃　as　Tom　Peters　had　settled　down。　　The
smaller　house　from　which　we　had　moved；　with　its　enforced　propinquity；
hard　emphasized　the　bondage　of　marriage。　　Now　I　had　two　rooms　to　myself；
in　the　undisputed　possession　of　which　I　had　taken　a　puerile　delight。　　On
one　side　of　my　dressing…room　Archie　Lammerton　had　provided　a　huge　closet
containing　the　latest　devices　for　the　keeping　of　a　multitudinous
wardrobe；　there　was　a　reading…lamp；　and　the　easiest　of　easy…chairs；
imported　from　England；　while　between　the　windows　were　shelves　of　Italian
walnut　which　I　had　filled　with　the　books　I　had　bought　while　at　Cambridge；
and　had　never　since　opened。　　As　I　sank　down　in　my　chair　that　odd　feeling
of　uneasiness；　of　transience　and　unreality；　of　unsatisfaction　I　had　had
ever　since　we　had　moved　suddenly　became　intensified；　and　at　the　very
moment　when　I　had　gained　everything　I　had　once　believed　a　man　could
desire！　　I　was　successful；　I　was　rich；　my　health　had　not　failed；　I　had　a
wife　who　catered　to　my　wishes；　lovable　children　who　gave　no　trouble　and
yetthere　was　still　the　void　to　be　filled；　the　old　void　I　had　felt　as　a
boy；　the　longing　for　something　beyond　me；　I　knew　not　what；　there　was　the
strange　inability　to　taste　any　of　these　things；　the　need　at　every　turn
for　excitement；　for　a　stimulus。　　My　marriage　had　been　a　disappointment；
though　I　strove　to　conceal　this　from　myself；　a　disappointment　because　it
had　not　filled　the　requirements　of　my　categoryexcitement　and　mystery：　I
had　provided　the　setting　and　lacked　the　happiness。　　Another　woman　Nancy
might　have　given　me　the　needed　stimulation；　and　yet　my　thoughts　did　not
dwell　on　Nancy　that　night；　my　longings　were　not　directed　towards　her；　but
towards　the　vision　of　a　calm；　contented　married　happiness　I　had　looked
forward　to　in　youth；a　vision　suddenly　presented　once　more　by　the　sight
of　Maude's　simple　pleasure　in　dressing　the　Christmas　tree。　　What
restless；　fiendish　element　in　me　prevented　my　enjoying　that？　　I　had
something　of　the　fearful　feeling　of　a　ghost　in　my　own　house　and　among　my
own　family；　of　a　spirit　doomed　to　wander；　unable　to　share　in　what　should
have　been　my　own；　in　what　would　have　saved　me　were　I　able　to　partake　of
it。　　Was　it　too　late　to　make　that　effort？。。。。　　Presently　the　strains　of
music　pervaded　my　consciousness；　the　chimes　of　Trinity　ringing　out　in　the
damp　night　the　Christmas　hymn；　Adeste　Fideles。　　It　was　midnight　it　was
Christmas。　　How　clear　the　notes　rang　through　the　wet　air　that　came　in　at
my　window！　　Back　into　the　dim　centuries　that　music　led　me；　into　candle…
lit　Gothic　chapels　of　monasteries　on　wind…swept　heights　above　the　firs；
and　cathedrals　in　mediaeval　cities。　　Twilight　ages　of　war　and　scourge　and
stress　and　stormand　faith。　　〃Oh；　come；　all　ye　Faithful！〃　　What　a
strange　thing；　that　faith　whose　flame　so　marvellously　persisted；　piercing
the　gloom；　the　Christmas　myth；　as　I　had　heard　someone　once　call　it。　　Did
it　possess　the　power　to　save　me？　　Save　me　from　what？　　Ah；　in　this　hour　I
knew。　　In　the　darkness　the　Danger　loomed　up　before　me；　vague　yet
terrible；　and　I　trembled。　　Why　was　not　this　Thing　ever　present；　to
chasten　and　sober　me？　　The　Thing　was　myself。

Into　my　remembrance；　by　what　suggestion　I　know　not；　came　that　March
evening　when　I　had　gone　to　Holder　Chapel　at　Harvard　to　listen　to　a
preacher；　a　personality　whose　fame　and　influence　had　since　spread
throughout　the　land。　　Some　dim　fear　had　possessed　me　then。　　I　recalled
vividly　the　man；　and　the　face　of　Hermann　Krebs　as　I　drew　back　from　the
doorway。。。。

When　I　awoke　my　disquieting；　retrospective　mood　had　disappeared；　and　yet
there　clung　to　me；　minus　the　sanction　of　fear　or　reward　or　revealed
truth；　a　certain　determination　to　behave；　on　this　day　at　least；　more　like
a　father　and　a　husband：　to　make　an　effort　to　enter　into　the　spirit　of　the
festival；　and　see　what　happened。　　I　dressed　in　cheerful　haste；　took　the
sapphire　pendant　from　its　velvet　box；　tiptoed　into　the　still　silent
schoolroom　and　hung　it　on　the　tree；　flooding　on　the　electric　light　that
set　the　tinsel　and　globes　ablaze。　　No　sooner　had　I　done　this　than　I　heard
the　patter　of　feet　in　the　hallway；　and　a　high…pitched　voiceBiddy's
crying　out：

〃It's　Santa　Claus！〃

Three　small；　flannel…wrappered　figures　stood　in　the　doorway。

〃Why；　it's　father！〃　exclaimed　Moreton。

〃And　he's　all　dressed！〃　said　Matthew。

〃Oh…h…h！〃　cried　Biddy；　staring　at　the　blazing　tree；　〃isn't　it　beautiful！〃

Maude　was　close　behind　them。　　She　gave　an　exclamation　of　delighted
surprise　when　she　saw　me；　and　then　stood　gazing　with　shining　eyes　at　the
children；　especially　at　Biddy；　who　stood　dazzled　by　the　glory　of　the
constellation　confronting　her。。。。　　Matthew；　too；　wished　to　prolong　the
moment　of　mystery。　　It　was　the　practical　Moreton　who　cried：

〃Let's　see　what　we've　got！〃

The　assault　and　the　sacking　began。　　I　couldn't　help　thinking　as　I　watched
them　of　my　own　wildly　riotous；　Christmas…morning　sensations；　when　all　the
gifts　had　worn　the　aura　of　the　supernatural；　but　the　arrival　of　these
toys　was　looked　upon　by　my　children　as　a　part　of　the　natural　order　of　the
universe。　　At　Maude's　suggestion　the　night　before　we　had　placed　my
presents；　pieces　de　resistance；　at　a　distance　from　the　tree；　in　the　hope
that　they　would　not　be　spied　at　once；　that　they　would　be　in　some　sort　a
climax。　　It　was　Matthew　who　first　perceived　the　ship；　and　identified　it；
by　the　card；　as　his　property。　　To　him　it　was　clearly　wonderful；　but　no
miracle。　　He　did　not　cry　out；　or　call　the　attention　of　the　others　to　it；
but　stood　with　his　feet　apart；　examining　it；　his　first　remark　being　a
query　as　to　why　it　didn't　fly　the　American　flag。　　It's　ensign　was
British。　　Then　Moreton　saw　the　locomotive；　was　told　that　it　was　his；　and
took　possession　of　it　violently。　　Why　wasn't　there　more　track？　　Wouldn't
I　get　more　track？　　I　explained　that　it　would　go　by　steam；　and　he　began
unscrewing　the　cap　on　the　little　boiler　until　he　was　distracted　by　the
man…of…war；　and　with　natural　acquisitiveness　started　to　take　possession
of　that。　　Biddy　was　bewildered　by　the　doll；　which　Maude　had　taken　up　and
was　holding　in　her　lap。　　She　had　had　talking　dolls　before；　and　dolls　that
closed　their　eyes；　she　recognized　this　one；　indeed；　as　a　sort　of　super…
doll；　but　her　little　mind　was　modern；　too；　and　set　no　limits　on　what
might　be　accomplished。　　She　patted　it；　but　was　more　impressed　by　the
raptures　of　Miss　Allsop；　who　had　come　in　and　was　admiring　it　with　some
extravagance。　　Suddenly　the　child　caught　sight　of　her　stocking；　until　now
forgotten；　and　darted　for　the　fireplace。

I　turned　to　Maude；　who　stood　beside　me；　watching　them。

〃But　you　haven't　looked　on　the　tree　yourself；〃　I　reminded　her。

She　gave　me　an　odd；　questioning　glance；　and　got　up　and　set　down　the　doll。
As　she　stood　for　a　moment　gazing　at　the　lights；　she　seemed　very　girlish
in　her　dressing…gown；　with　her　hair　in　two　long　plaits　down　her　back。

〃Oh；　Hugh！〃　　She　lifted　the　pendant　from　the　branch　and　held　it　up。　　Her
gratitude；　her　joy　at　receiving　a　present　was　deeper　than　the　children's！

〃You　chose　it　for　me？〃

I　felt　something　like　a　pang　when　I　thought　how　little　trouble　it　had
been。