a far country-第76章
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your 'metier。'〃
〃What ought I to have been？〃
〃How can I tell？ A Goethe； perhapsa Goethe smothered by a twentieth…
century environment。 Your love of adventure isn't dead； it's been merely
misdirected； real adventure； I mean； forth faring； straying into unknown
paths。 Perhaps you haven't yet found yourself。〃
〃How uncanny！〃 I said； stirred and startled。
〃You have a taste for literature； you know； though you've buried it。
Give me Turgeniev。 We'll begin with him。。。。〃
Her reading and the talks that followed it were exciting； amazingly
stimulating。。。。 Once Nancy gave me an amusing account of a debate which
had taken place in the newly organized woman's discussion club to which
she belonged over a rather daring book by an English novelist。 Mrs。
Dickinson had revolted。
〃No； she wasn't really shocked； not in the way she thought she was；〃 said
Nancy； in answer to a query of mine。
〃How was she shocked； then？〃
〃As you and I are shocked。〃
〃But I'm not shocked；〃 I protested。
〃Oh； yes； you are； and so am Inot on the moral side； nor is it the
moral aspect that troubles Lula Dickinson。 She thinks it's the moral
aspect； but it's really the revolutionary aspect； the menace to those
precious institutions from which we derive our privileges and comforts。〃
I considered this； and laughed。
〃What's the use of being a humbug about it；〃 said Nancy。
〃But you're talking like a revolutionary；〃 I said。
〃I may be talking like one； but I'm not one。 I once had the makings of
oneof a good one；a 'proper' one； as the English would say。〃 She
sighed。
〃You regret it？〃 I asked curiously。
〃Of course I regret it！〃 she cried。 〃What woman worth her salt doesn't
regret it； doesn't want to live； even if she has to suffer for it？ And
those peoplethe revolutionaries； I mean； the rebelsthey live； they're
the only ones who do live。 The rest of us degenerate in a painless
paralysis we think of as pleasure。 Look at me！ I'm incapable of
committing a single original act； even though I might conceive one。
Well； there was a time when I should have been equal to anything and
wouldn't have cared aa damn。〃
I believed her。。。。
I fell into the habit of dropping in on Nancy at least twice a week on my
way from the office； and I met her occasionally at other houses。 I did
not tell Maude of that first impulsive visit； but one evening a few weeks
later she asked me where I had been； and when I told her she made no
comment。 I came presently to the conclusion that this renewed intimacy
did not trouble herwhich was what I wished to believe。 Of course I had
gone to Nancy for a stimulation I failed to get at home； and it is the
more extraordinary； therefore； that I did not become more discontented
and restless： I suppose this was because I had grown to regard marriage
as most of the world regarded it； as something inevitable and humdrum； as
a kind of habit it is useless to try to shake off。 But life is so full
of complexities and anomalies that I still had a real affection for
Maude； and I liked her the more because she didn't expect too much of me；
and because she didn't complain of my friendship with Nancy although I
should vehemently have denied there was anything to complain of。 I
respected Maude。 If she was not a squaw； she performed religiously the
traditional squaw duties； and made me comfortable： and the fact that we
lived separate mental existences did not trouble me because I never
thought of hersor even that she had one。 She had the children； and
they seemed to suffice。 She never renewed her appeal for my confidence；
and I forgot that she had made it。
Nevertheless I always felt a tug at my heartstrings when June came around
and it was time for her and the children to go to Mattapoisett for the
summer； when I accompanied them； on the evening of their departure； to
the smoky； noisy station and saw deposited in the sleeping…car their
luggage and shawls and bundles。 They always took the evening train to
Boston； it was the best。 Tom and Susan were invariably there with candy
and toys to see them offif Susan and her children had not already gone…
…and at such moments my heart warmed to Tom。 And I was astonished as I
clung to Matthew and Moreton and little Biddy at the affection that
welled up within me； saddened when I kissed Maude good…bye。 She too was
sad； and always seemed to feel compunctions for deserting me。
〃I feel so selfish in leaving you all alone！〃 she would say。 〃If it
weren't for the childrenthey need the sea air。 But I know you don't
miss me as I miss you。 A man doesn't； I suppose。。。。 Please don't work
so hard； and promise me you'll come on and stay a long time。 You can if
you want to。 We shan't starve。〃 She smiled。 〃That nice room； which is
yours； at the southeast corner； is always waiting for you。 And you do
like the sea； and seeing the sail…boats in the morning。〃
I felt an emptiness when the train pulled out。 I did love my family；
after all！ I would go back to the deserted house； and I could not bear
to look in at the nursery door； at the little beds with covers flung over
them。 Why couldn't I appreciate these joys when I had them？
One evening； as we went home in an open street…car together； after such a
departure； Tom blurted out：
〃Hugh； I believe I care for your family as much as for my own。 I often
wonder if you realize how wonderful these children are！ My boys are just
plain ruffiansalthough I think they're pretty decent ruffians； but
Matthew has a mindhe's thoughtfuland an imagination。 He'll make a
name for himself some day if he's steered properly and allowed to develop
naturally。 Moreton's more like my boys。 And as for Chickabiddy！〃
words failed him。
I put my hand on his knee。 I actually loved him again as I had loved and
yearned for him as a child；he was so human； so dependable。 And why
couldn't this feeling last？ He disapprovedfoolishly； I thoughtof my
professional career； and this was only one of his limitations。 But I
knew that he was loyal。 Why hadn't I been able to breathe and be
reasonably happy in that atmosphere of friendship and love in which I had
been placedor rather in which I had placed myself？。。。。 Before the
summer was a day or two older I had grown accustomed to being alone； and
enjoyed the liberty； and when Maude and the children returned in the
autumn； similarly； it took me some days to get used to the restrictions
imposed by a household。 I run the risk of shocking those who read this
by declaring that if my family had been taken permanently out of my life；
I should not long have missed them。 But on the whole； in those years my
marriage relation might be called a negative one。 There were moments； as
I have described； when I warmed to Maude； moments when I felt something
akin to a violent antagonism aroused by little mannerisms and tricks she
had。 The fact that we got along as well as we did was probably due to
the orthodox teaching with which we had been inoculated；to the effect
that matrimony was a moral trial； a shaking…down process。 But moral
trials were ceasing to appeal to people； and more and more of them were
refusing to be shaken down。 We didn't cut the Gordian knot； but we
managed to loosen it considerably。
I have spoken of a new species of titans who inhabited the giant
buildings in Wall Street； New York； and fought among themselves for
possession of the United States of America。 It is interesting to note
that in these struggles a certain chivalry was observed among the
combatants； no matter how bitter the rivalry： for instance； it was deemed
very bad form for one of the groups of combatants to take the public into
their confidence； cities were upset and stirred to the core by these
conflicts； and the citizens never knew who was doing the fighting； but
imagined that some burning issue was at stake that concerned them。 As a
matter of fact the issue always did concern them； but not in the way they
supposed。
Gradually； out of the chaotic melee in which these titans were engaged
had emerged one group more powerful than the rest and more respectable；
whose leader was the Personality to whom I have before referred。 He and
h
