a far country-第54章
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first with a review of what I deemed her shortcomings。 Not that I was
thinking of marriagebut I had imagined the future Mrs。 Paret as tall；
Maude was up to my chin： again； the hair of the fortunate lady was to be
dark； and Maude's was golden red： my ideal had esprit； lightness of
touch； the faculty of seizing just the aspect of a subject that delighted
me； and a knowledge of the world； Maude was simple； direct； and in a word
provincial。 Her provinciality； however； was negative rather than
positive； she had no disagreeable mannerisms； her voice was not nasal；
her plasticity appealed to me。 I suppose I was lost without knowing it
when I began to think of moulding her。
All of this went on at frequent intervals during the winter； and while I
was organizing the Elkington Power and Traction Company for George I
found time to dine and sup at Maude's house； and to take walks with her。
I thought I detected an incense deliciously sweet； by no means
overpowering； like the lily's； but more like the shy fragrance of the
wood flower。 I recall her kind welcomes； the faint deepening of colour
in her cheeks when she greeted me； and while I suspected that she looked
up to me she had a surprising and tantalizing self…command。
There came moments when I grew slightly alarmed； as； for instance； one
Sunday in the early spring when I was dining at the Ezra Hutchins's house
and surprised Mrs。 Hutchins's glance on me； suspecting her of seeking to
divine what manner of man I was。 I became self…conscious； I dared not
look at Maude； who sat across the table； thereafter I began to feel that
the Hutchins connection regarded me as a suitor。 I had grown intimate
with George and his wife； who did not refrain from sly allusions； and
George himself once remarked； with characteristic tact； that I was most
conscientious in my attention to the traction affair； I have reason to
believe they were even less delicate with Maude。 This was the logical
time to withdrawbut I dallied。 The experience was becoming more
engrossing；if I may so describe it；and spring was approaching。 The
stars in their courses were conspiring。 I was by no means as yet a self…
acknowledged wooer； and we discussed love in its lighter phases through
the medium of literature。 Heaven forgive me for calling it so！ About
that period； it will be remembered； a mushroom growth of volumes of a
certain kind sprang into existence； little books with 〃artistic〃 bindings
and wide margins； sweetened essays； some of them written in beautiful
English by dilettante authors for drawing…room consumption； and
collections of short stories； no doubt chiefly bought by philanderers
like myself； who were thus enabled to skate on thin ice over deep water。
It was a most delightful relationship that these helped to support； and I
fondly believed I could reach shore again whenever I chose。
There came a Sunday in early May； one of those days when the feminine
assumes a large importance。 I had been to the Hutchinses' church； and
Maude； as she sat and prayed decorously in the pew beside me； suddenly
increased in attractiveness and desirability。 Her voice was very sweet；
and I felt a delicious and languorous thrill which I identified not only
with love； but also with a reviving spirituality。 How often the two seem
to go hand in hand！
She wore a dress of a filmy material； mauve； with a design in gold thread
running through it。 Of late； it seemed； she had had more new dresses：
and their modes seemed more cosmopolitan； at least to the masculine eye。
How delicately her hair grew； in little； shining wisps； around her white
neck！ I could have reached out my hand and touched her。 And it was this
desire；although by no means overwhelming；that startled me。 Did I
really want her？ The consideration of this vital question occupied the
whole time of the sermon； made me distrait at dinner；a large family
gathering。 Later I found myself alone with heron a bench in the
Hutchinses' garden where we had walked the day of my arrival； during the
campaign。
The gardens were very different； now。 The trees had burst forth again
into leaf； the spiraea bushes seemed weighted down with snow； and with a
note like that of the quivering bass string of a 'cello the bees hummed
among the fruit blossoms。 And there beside me in her filmy dress was
Maude； a part of it allthe meaning of all that set my being clamouring。
She was like some ripened； delicious flower ready to be picked。。。。 One
of those pernicious； make…believe volumes had fallen on the bench between
us； for I could not read any more； I could not think； I touched her hand；
and when she drew it gently away I glanced at her。 Reason made a valiant
but hopeless effort to assert itself。 Was I sure that I wanted herfor
life？ No use！ I wanted her now； no matter what price that future might
demand。 An awkward silence fell between usawkward to me； at leastand
I； her guide and mentor； became banal； apologetic； confused。 I made some
idiotic remark about being together in the Garden of Eden。
〃I remember Mr。 Doddridge saying in Bible class that it was supposed to
be on the Euphrates；〃 she replied。 〃But it's been destroyed by the
flood。〃
〃Let's make anotherone of our own；〃 I suggested。
〃Why； how silly you are this afternoon。〃
〃What's to prevent usMaude？〃 I demanded； with a dry throat。
〃Nonsense！〃 she laughed。 In proportion as I lost poise she seemed to
gain it。
〃It's not nonsense；〃 I faltered。 〃If we were married。〃
At last the fateful words were pronouncedirrevocably。 And； instead of
qualms； I felt nothing but relief； joy that I had been swept along by the
flood of feeling。 She did not look at me； but gazed straight ahead of
her。
〃If I love you； Maude？〃 I stammered； after a moment。
〃But I don't love you；〃 she replied； steadily。
Never in my life had I been so utterly taken aback。
〃Do you mean；〃 I managed to say； 〃that after all these months you don't
like me a little？〃
〃‘Liking' isn't loving。〃 She looked me full in the face。 〃I like you
very much。〃
〃But〃 there I stopped； paralyzed by what appeared to me the
quintessence of feminine inconsistency and caprice。 Yet； as I stared at
her； she certainly did not appear capricious。 It is not too much to say
that I was fairly astounded at this evidence of self…command and
decision； of the strength of mind to refuse me。 Was it possible that
she had felt nothing and I all？ I got to my feet。
〃I hate to hurt your feelings；〃 I heard her say。 〃I'm very sorry。〃。。。
She looked up at me。 Afterwards； when reflecting on the scene； I seemed
to remember that there were tears in her eyes。 I was not in a condition
to appreciate her splendid sincerity。 I was overwhelmed and
inarticulate。 I left her there； on the bench； and went back to George's；
announcing my intention of taking the five o'clock train。。。。
Maude Hutchins had become； at a stroke； the most desirable of women。 I
have often wondered how I should have felt on that five…hour journey back
to the city if she had fallen into my arms！ I should have persuaded
myself； no doubt； that I had not done a foolish thing in yielding to an
impulse and proposing to an inexperienced and provincial young woman； yet
there would have been regrets in the background。 Too deeply chagrined to
see any humour in the situation； I settled down in a Pullman seat and
went over and over again the event of that afternoon until the train
reached the city。
As the days wore on； and I attended to my cases； I thought of Maude a
great deal； and in those moments when the pressure of business was
relaxed； she obsessed me。 She must love me；only she did not realize
it。 That was the secret！ Her value had risen amazingly； become supreme；
the very act of refusing me had emphasized her qualifications as a wife；
and I now desired her with all the intensity of a nature which had been
permitted always to achieve its objects。 The inevitable process of
idealization began。 In dusty offices I recalled her freshness as she had
sat beside me in the garden；the freshness of a flower； with Berkeleyan
subjectivism I clothed the flower with colour； bestowed it with
fragrance。 I conferred
