a far country-第4章

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instincts　were　not　vicious。　　Ideas　bubbled　up　within　me　continually　from
an　apparently　inexhaustible　spring；　and　the　very　strength　of　the　longings
they　set　in　motion　puzzled　and　troubled　my　parents：　what　I　seem　to　see
most　distinctly　now　is　a　young　mind　engaged　in　a　ceaseless　struggle　for
self…expression；　for　self…development；　against　the　inertia　of　a　tradition
of　which　my　father　was　the　embodiment。　　He　was　an　enigma　to　me　then。　　He
sincerely　loved　me；　he　cherished　ambitions　concerning　me；　yet　thwarted
every　natural；　budding　growth；　until　I　grew　unconsciously　to　regard　him
as　my　enemy；　although　I　had　an　affection　for　him　and　a　pride　in　him　that
flared　up　at　times。　　Instead　of　confiding　to　him　my　aspirations；　vague
though　they　were；　I　became　more　and　more　secretive　as　I　grew　older。　　I
knew　instinctively　that　he　regarded　these　aspirations　as　evidences　in　my
character　of　serious　moral　flaws。　　And　I　would　sooner　have　suffered　many
afternoons　of　his　favourite　punishmentsolitary　confinement　in　my　room
than　reveal　to　him　those　occasional　fits　of　creative　fancy　which　caused
me　to　neglect　my　lessons　in　order　to　put　them　on　paper。　　Loving
literature；　in　his　way；　he　was　characteristically　incapable　of
recognizing　the　literary　instinct；　and　the　symptoms　of　its　early　stages
he　mistook　for　inherent　frivolity；　for　lack　of　respect　for　the　truth；　in
brief；　for　original　sin。　　At　the　age　of　fourteen　I　had　begun　secretly
（alas；　how　many　things　I　did　secretly！）　to　write　stories　of　a　sort；
stories　that　never　were　finished。

He　regarded　reading　as　duty；　not　pleasure。　　He　laid　out　books　for　me；
which　I　neglected。　　He　was　part　and　parcel　of　that　American　environment
in　which　literary　ambition　was　regarded　as　sheer　madness。　　And　no　one　who
has　not　experienced　that　environment　can　have　any　conception　of　the
pressure　it　exerted　to　stifle　originality；　to　thrust　the　new　generation
into　its　religious　and　commercial　moulds。　　Shall　we　ever；　I　wonder；
develop　the　enlightened　education　that　will　know　how　to　take　advantage　of
such　initiative　as　was　mine？　that　will　be　on　the　watch　for　it；　sympathize
with　it　and　guide　it　to　fruition？

I　was　conscious　of　still　another　creative　need；　that　of　dramatizing　my
ideas；　of　converting　them　into　action。　　And　this　need　was　to　lead　me
farther　than　ever　afield　from　the　path　of　righteousness。　　The　concrete
realization　of　ideas；　as　many　geniuses　will　testify；　is　an　expensive
undertaking；　requiring　a　little　pocket　money；　and　I　have　already　touched
upon　that　subject。　　My　father　did　not　believe　in　pocket　money。　　A　sea
story　that　my　Cousin　Donald　Ewan　gave　me　at　Christmas　inspired　me　to
compose　one　of　a　somewhat　different　nature；　incidentally；　I　deemed　it　a
vast　improvement　on　Cousin　Donald's　book。　　Now；　if　I　only　had　a　boat；
with　the　assistance　of　Ham　Durrett　and　Tom　Peters；　Gene　Hollister　and
Perry　Blackwood　and　other　friends；　this　story　of　mine　might　be　staged。
There　were；　however；　as　usual；　certain　seemingly　insuperable
difficulties：　in　the　first　place；　it　was　winter　time；　in　the　second；　no
facilities　existed　in　the　city　for　operations　of　a　nautical　character；
and；　lastly；　my　Christmas　money　amounted　only　to　five　dollars。
It　was　my　father　who　pointed　out　these　and　other　objections。　　For；　after
a　careful　perusal　of　the　price　lists　I　had　sent　for；　I　had　been　forced　to
appeal　to　him　to　supply　additional　funds　with　which　to　purchase　a　row…
boat。　　Incidentally；　he　read　me　a　lecture　on　extravagance；　referred　to　my
last　month's　report　at　the　Academy；　and　finished　by　declaring　that　he
would　not　permit　me　to　have　a　boat　even　in　the　highly　improbable　case　of
somebody's　presenting　me　with　one。　　Let　it　not　be　imagined　that　my　ardour
or　my　determination　were　extinguished。　　Shortly　after　I　had　retired　from
his　presence　it　occurred　to　me　that　he　had　said　nothing　to　forbid　my
making　a　boat；　and　the　first　thing　I　did　after　school　that　day　was　to
procure；　for　twenty…five　cents；　a　second…hand　book　on　boat　construction。
The　woodshed　was　chosen　as　a　shipbuilding　establishment。　　It　was
convenientand　my　father　never　went　into　the　back　yard　in　cold　weather。
Inquiries　of　lumber…yards　developing　the　disconcerting　fact　that　four
dollars　and　seventy…five　cents　was　inadequate　to　buy　the　material　itself；
to　say　nothing　of　the　cost　of　steaming　and　bending　the　ribs；　I
reluctantly　abandoned　the　ideal　of　the　graceful　craft　I　had　sketched；　and
compromised　on　a　flat　bottom。　　Observe　how　the　ways　of　deception　lead　to
transgression：　I　recalled　the　cast…off　lumber　pile　of　Jarvis；　the
carpenter；　a　good…natured　Englishman；　coarse　and　fat：　in　our
neighbourhood　his　reputation　for　obscenity　was　so　well　known　to　mothers
that　I　had　been　forbidden　to　go　near　him　or　his　shop。　　Grits　Jarvis；　his
son；　who　had　inherited　the　talent；　was　also　contraband。　　I　can　see　now
the　huge　bulk　of　the　elder　Jarvis　as　he　stood　in　the　melting；　soot…
powdered　snow　in　front　of　his　shop；　and　hear　his　comments　on　my
pertinacity。

〃If　you　ever　wants　another　man's　missus　when　you　grows　up；　my　lad；　Gawd
'elp　'im！〃

〃Why　should　I　want　another　man's　wife　when　I　don't　want　one　of　my　own？〃
I　demanded；　indignant。

He　laughed　with　his　customary　lack　of　moderation。

〃You　mind　what　old　Jarvis　says；〃　he　cried。　　〃What　you　wants；　you　gets。〃

I　did　get　his　boards；　by　sheer　insistence。　　No　doubt　they　were　not　very
valuable；　and　without　question　he　more　than　made　up　for　them　in　my
mother's　bill。　　I　also　got　something　else　of　equal　value　to　me　at　the
moment；the　assistance　of　Grits；　the　contraband；　daily；　after　school；　I
smuggled　him　into　the　shed　through　the　alley；　acquiring　likewise　the
services　of　Tom　Peters；　which　was　more　of　a　triumph　than　it　would　seem。
Tom　always　had　to　be　〃worked　up〃　to　participation　in　my　ideas；　but　in　the
end　he　almost　invariably　succumbed。　　The　notion　of　building　a　boat　in　the
dead　of　winter；　and　so　far　from　her　native　element；　naturally　struck　him
at　first　as　ridiculous。　　Where　in　Jehoshaphat　was　I　going　to　sail　it　if　I
ever　got　it　made？　　He　much　preferred　to　throw　snowballs　at　innocent　wagon
drivers。

All　that　Tom　saw；　at　first；　was　a　dirty；　coal…spattered　shed　with　dim
recesses；　for　it　was　lighted　on　one　side　only；　and　its　temperature　was
somewhere　below　freezing。　　Surely　he　could　not　be　blamed　for　a　tempered
enthusiasm！　　But　for　me；　all　the　dirt　and　cold　and　discomfort　were
blotted　out；　and　I　beheld　a　gallant　craft　manned　by　sturdy　seamen　forging
her　way　across　blue　water　in　the　South　Seas。　　Treasure　Island；　alas；　was
as　yet　unwritten；　but　among　my　father's　books　were　two　old　volumes　in
which　I　had　hitherto　taken　no　interest；　with　crude　engravings　of　palms
and　coral　reefs；　of　naked　savages　and　tropical　mountains　covered　with
jungle；　the　adventures；　in　brief；　of　one　Captain　Cook。　　I　also　discovered
a　book　by　a　later　traveller。　　Spurred　on　by　a　mysterious　motive　power；
and　to　the　great　neglect　of　the　pons　asinorum　and　the　staple　products　of
the　Southern　States；　I　gathered　an　amazing　amount　of　information
concerning　a　remote　portion　of　the　globe；　of　head…hunters　and　poisoned
stakes；　of　typhoons；　of　queer　war…craft　that　crept　up　on　you　while　you
were　dismantling　galleons；　when　desperate　hand…to…hand　encounters　ensued。
Little　by　little　as　I　wove　all　this　into　personal　adventures　soon　to　be
realized；　Tom　forgot　the　snowballs　and　the　maddened　grocery…men　who
chased　him　around　the　block；　while　Grits　would　occasionally　stop　sawing
and　cry　out：

〃Ah；　s'y！〃　　frequently　adding　that　he　would　be　Gdd。

The　cold　woodshed　became　a　chantry　on　the　New　England　coast；　the　alley
the　wintry　sea　soon　to　embrace　our　ship；　the　saw…horseswhich　stood
between　a　coal…bin　on　one　side　and　unused　stalls　filled　with　rubbish　and
kindling　on　the　otherthe　ways；　the　yard　behind　the　lattice　fence　became
a　backwater；　the　flapping　clothes　the　sails　of　ships　that　took　refuge
thereon　Mondays　and　Tuesdays。　　Even　my　father　was　symbolized　with
unparalleled　audacity　as　a　watchful　government　which　had；　up　to　the
present；　no　inkling　of　our　semi…piratical　intentions！　　The　cook　and　the
housemaid；　though　remonstrating　against　the　presence　of　Grits；　were
friendly　confederates；　likewise　old　Cephas；　the　darkey　who；　from