a far country-第24章

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civilization　to　conform　with　them。　　The　implication　was　that　the　Christ
who　had　preached　these　ideals　was　not　practical。。。。　　There　were
undoubtedly　men　in　the　faculty　of　the　University　who　might　have　helped　me
had　I　known　of　them；　who　might　have　given　me；　even　at　that　time；　a　clew
to　the　modern；　logical　explanation　of　the　Bible　as　an　immortal　record　of
the　thoughts　and　acts　of　men　who　had　sought　to　do　just　what　I　was　seeking
to　do；connect　the　religious　impulse　to　life　and　make　it　fruitful　in
life：　an　explanation；　by　the　way；　a　thousand…fold　more　spiritual　than　the
old。　　But　I　was　hopelessly　entangled　in　the　meshes　of　the　mystic；　the
miraculous　and　supernatural。　　If　I　had　analyzed　my　yearnings；　I　might
have　realized　that　I　wanted　to　renounce　the　life　I　had　been　leading；　not
because　it　was　sinful；　but　because　it　was　aimless。　　I　had　not　learned
that　the　Greek　word　for　sin　is　〃a　missing　of　the　mark。〃　　Just
aimlessness！　　I　had　been　stirred　with　the　desire　to　perform　some　service
for　which　the　world　would　be　grateful：　to　write　great　literature；
perchance。　　But　it　had　never　been　suggested　to　me　that　such　swellings　of
the　soul　are　religious；　that　religion　is　that　kind　of　feeling；　of　motive
power　that　drives　the　writer　and　the　scientist；　the　statesman　and　the
sculptor　as　well　as　the　priest　and　the　Prophet　to　serve　mankind　for　the
joy　of　serving：　that　religion　is　creative；　or　it　is　nothing：　not
mechanical；　not　a　force　imposed　from　without；　but　a　driving　power　within。
The　〃religion〃　I　had　learned　was　salvation　from　sin　by　miracle：　sin　a
deliberate　rebellion；　not　a　pathetic　missing　of　the　mark　of　life；　useful
service　of　man；　not　the　wandering　of　untutored　souls　who　had　not　been
shown　the　way。　　I　felt　religious。　　I　wanted　to　go　to　church；　I　wanted　to
maintain；　when　it　was　on　me；　that　exaltation　I　dimly　felt　as　communion
with　a　higher　power；　with　God；　and　which　also　was　identical　with　my
desire　to　write；　to　create。。。。

I　bought　books；　sets　of　Wordsworth　and　Keats；　of　Milton　and　Shelley　and
Shakespeare；　and　hid　them　away　in　my　bureau　drawers　lest　Tom　and　my
friends　should　see　them。　　These　too　I　read　secretly；　making　excuses　for
not　joining　in　the　usual　amusements。　　Once　I　walked　to　Mrs。　Bolton's　and
inquired　rather　shamefacedly　for　Hermann　Krebs；　only　to　be　informed　that
he　had　gone　out。。。。　　There　were　lapses；　of　course；　when　I　went　off　on　the
old　excursions；for　the　most　part　the　usual　undergraduate　follies；
though　some　were　of　a　more　serious　nature；　on　these　I　do　not　care　to
dwell。　　Sex　was　still　a　mystery。。。。　　Always　I　awoke　afterwards　to　bitter
self…hatred　and　despair。。。。　　But　my　work　in　English　improved；　and　I
earned　the　commendation　and　friendship　of　Mr。　Cheyne。　　With　a　wisdom　for
which　I　was　grateful　he　was　careful　not　to　give　much　sign　of　it　in
classes；　but　the　fact　that　he　was　〃getting　soft　on　me〃　was　evident　enough
to　be　regarded　with　suspicion。　　Indeed　the　state　into　which　I　had　fallen
became　a　matter　of　increasing　concern　to　my　companions；　who　tried　every
means　from　ridicule　to　sympathy；　to　discover　its　cause　and　shake　me　out
of　it。　　The　theory　most　accepted　was　that　I　was　in　love。

〃Come　on　now；　Hughietell　me　who　she　is。　　I　won't　give　you　away；〃　Tom
would　beg。　　Once　or　twice；　indeed；　I　had　imagined　I　was　in　love　with　the
sisters　of　Boston　classmates　whose　dances　I　attended；　to　these　parties
Tom；　not　having　overcome　his　diffidence　in　respect　to　what　he　called
〃social　life；〃　never　could　be　induced　to　go。

It　was　Ralph　who　detected　the　true　cause　of　my　discontent。　　Typical　as　no
other　man　I　can　recall　of　the　code　to　which　we　had　dedicated　ourselves；
the　code　that　moulded　the　important　part　of　the　undergraduate　world　and
defied　authority；　he　regarded　any　defection　from　it　in　the　light　of
treason。　　An　instructor；　in　a　fit　of　impatience；　had　once　referred　to　him
as　the　Mephistopheles　of　his　class；　he　had　fatal　attractions；　and　a
remarkable　influence。　　His　favourite　pastime　was　the　capricious　exercise
of　his　will　on　weaker　characters；　such　as　his　cousin；　Ham　Durrett；　if
they　〃swore　off；〃　Ralph　made　it　his　business　to　get　them　drunk　again；　and
having　accomplished　this　would　proceed　himself　to　administer　a　new　oath
and　see　that　it　was　kept。　　Alcohol　seemed　to　have　no　effect　whatever　on
him。　　Though　he　was　in　the　class　above　me；　I　met　him　frequently　at　a　club
to　which　I　had　the　honour　to　belong；　then　a　suite　of　rooms　over　a　shop
furnished　with　a　pool　and　a　billiard　table；　easy…chairs　and　a　bar。　　It
has　since　achieved　the　dignity　of　a　house　of　its　own。

We　were　having；　one　evening；　a　〃religious〃　argument；　Cinibar；　Laurens　and
myself　and　some　others。　　I　can't　recall　how　it　began；　I　think　Cinibar　had
attacked　the　institution　of　compulsory　chapel；　which　nobody　defended；
there　was　something　inherently　wrong；　he　maintained；　with　a　religion　to
which　men　had　to　be　driven　against　their　wills。　　Somewhat　to　my　surprise
I　found　myself　defending　a　Christianity　out　of　which　I　had　been　able　to
extract　but　little　comfort　and　solace。　　Neither　Laurens　nor　Conybear；
however；　were　for　annihilating　it：　although　they　took　the　other　side　of
the　discussion　of　a　subject　of　which　none　of　us　knew　anything；　their
attacks　were　but　half…hearted；　like　me；　they　were　still　under　the　spell
exerted　by　a　youthful　training。

We　were　all　of　us　aware　of　Ralph；　who　sat　at　some　distance　looking　over
the　pages　of　an　English　sporting　weekly。　　Presently　he　flung　it　down。

〃Haven't　you　found　out　yet　that　man　created　God；　Hughie？〃　he　inquired。
〃And　even　if　there　were　a　personal　God；　what　reason　have　you　to　think
that　man　would　be　his　especial　concern；　or　any　concern　of　his　whatever？
The　discovery　of　evolution　has　knocked　your　Christianity　into　a　cocked
hat。〃

I　don't　remember　how　I　answered　him。　　In　spite　of　the　superficiality　of
his　own　arguments；　which　I　was　not　learned　enough　to　detect；　I　was
ingloriously　routed。　　Darwin　had　kicked　over　the　bucket；　and　that　was　all
there　was　to　it。。。。　　After　we　had　left　the　club　both　Conybear　and　Laurens
admitted　they　were　somewhat　disturbed；　declaring　that　Ralph　had　gone　too
far。　　I　spent　a　miserable　night；　recalling　the　naturalistic　assertions　he
had　made　so　glibly；　asking　myself　again　and　again　how　it　was　that　the
religion　to　which　I　so　vainly　clung　had　no　greater　effect　on　my　actions
and　on　my　will；　had　not　prevented　me　from　lapses　into　degradation。　　And　I
hated　myself　for　having　argued　upon　a　subject　that　was　still　sacred。　　I
believed　in　Christ；　which　is　to　say　that　I　believed　that　in　some
inscrutable　manner　he　existed；　continued　to　dominate　the　world　and　had
suffered　on　my　account。

To　whom　should　I　go　now　for　a　confirmation　of　my　wavering　beliefs？　　One
of　the　resultsit　will　be　remembered　of　religion　as　I　was　taught　it　was
a　pernicious　shyness；　and　even　though　I　had　found　a　mentor　and　confessor；
I　might　have　hesitated　to　unburden　myself。　　This　would　be　different　from
arguing　with　Ralph　Hambleton。　　In　my　predicament；　as　I　was　wandering
through　the　yard；　I　came　across　a　notice　of　an　evening　talk　to　students
in　Holder　Chapel；　by　a　clergyman　named　Phillips　Brooks。　　This　was　before
the　time；　let　me　say　in　passing；　when　his　sermons　at　Harvard　were
attended　by　crowds　of　undergraduates。　　Well；　I　stood　staring　at　the
notice；　debating　whether　I　should　go；　trying　to　screw　up　my　courage；　for
I　recognized　clearly　that　such　a　step；　if　it　were　to　be　of　any　value；
must　mean　a　distinct　departure　from　my　present　mode　of　life；　and　I　recall
thinking　with　a　certain　revulsion　that　I　should　have　to　〃turn　good。〃　　My
presence　at　the　meeting　would　be　known　the　next　day　to　all　my　friends；
for　the　idea　of　attending　a　religious　gathering　when　one　was　not　forced
to　do　so　by　the　authorities　was　unheard　of　in　our　set。　　I　should　be
classed　with　the　despised　〃pious　ones〃　who　did　such　things　regularly。　　I
shrank　from　the　ridicule。　　I　had；　however；　heard　of　Mr。　Brooks　from　Ned
Symonds；　who　was　by　no　means　of　the　pious　type；　and　whose　parents
attended　Mr。　Brooks's　church　in　Boston。。。。　　I　left　my　decision　in
abeyance。　　But　when　evening　came　I　stole　away　from　the　club　table；　on　the
plea　of　an　engagement；　and　made　my　way　rapidly　toward　Holder　Chapel。　　I
had　almost　r