a far country-第119章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
never troubled myself about them； I've never taken on any responsibility
in regard to their bringing up。〃
〃Hugh！〃 she cried。
〃WaitI've got more to tell you； that you ought to know。 I shouldn't be
here to…day if Nancy Durrett had consented toto get a divorce and marry
me。 We had agreed to that when this accident happened to Ham； and she
went back to him。 I have to tell you that I still love herI can't say
how much； or define my feelings toward her now。 I've given up all idea
of her。 I don't think I'd marry her now； even if I had the chance； and
you should decide to live away from me。 I don't know。 I'm not so sure
of myself as I once was。 The fact is； Maude； circumstances have been too
much for me。 I've been beaten。 And I'm not at all certain that it
wasn't a cowardly thing for me to come back to you at all。〃
I felt her hand trembling under mine； but I had not the courage to look
at her。 I heard her call my name again a little cry； the very poignancy
of pity and distress。 It almost unnerved me。
〃I knew that you loved her； Hugh；〃 she said。 〃It was onlyonly a little
while after you married me that I found it out。 I guessed itwomen do
guess such thingslong before you realized it yourself。 You ought to
have married her instead of me。 You would have been happier with her。〃
I did not answer。
〃I； too； have thought a great deal；〃 she went on； after a moment。 〃I
began earlier than you； I had to。〃 I looked up suddenly and saw her
smiling at me； faintly； through her tears。 〃But I've been thinking more；
and learning more since I've been over here。 I've come to see that that
our failure hasn't been as much your fault as I once thought； as much as
you yourself declare。 You have done me a wrong； and you've done the
children a wrong。 Oh； it is frightful to think how little I knew when I
married you； but even then I felt instinctively that you didn't love me
as I deserved to be loved。 And when we came back from Europe I knew that
I couldn't satisfy you； I couldn't look upon life as you saw it； no
matter how hard I tried。 I did try； but it wasn't any use。 You'll never
know how much I've suffered all these years。
〃I have been happier here； away from you； with the children； I've had a
chance to be myself。 It isn't that I'mmuch。 It isn't that I don't
need guidance and counsel andsympathy。 I've missed those； but you've
never given them to me； and I've been learning more and more to do
without them。 I don't know why marriage should suddenly have become such
a mockery and failure in our time； but I know that it is； that ours
hasn't been such an exception as I once thought。 I've come to believe
that divorce is often justified。〃
〃It is justified so far as you are concerned； Maude；〃 I replied。
〃It is not justified for me。 I have forfeited； as I say； any rights over
you。 I have been the aggressor and transgressor from the start。 You
have been a good wife and a good mother； you have been faithful； I have
had absolutely nothing to complain of。〃
〃Sometimes I think I might have tried harder；〃 she said。 〃At least I
might have understood better。 I was stupid。 But everything went wrong。
And I saw you growing away from me all the time； Hugh； growing away from
the friends who were fond of you； as though you were fading in the
distance。 It wasn't wholly becausebecause of Nancy that I left you。
That gave me an excusean excuse for myself。 Long before that I
realized my helplessness； I knew that whatever I might have done was past
doing。〃
〃Yes； I know；；〃 I assented。
We sat in silence for a while。 The train was skirting an ancient town
set on a hill； crowned with a castle and a Gothic church whose windows
were afire in the setting sun。
〃Maude；〃 I said； 〃I have not come to plead； to appeal to your pity as
against your judgment and reason。 I can say this much； that if I do not
love you； as the word is generally understood； I have a new respect for
you； and a new affection； and I think that these will grow。 I have no
doubt that there are some fortunate people who achieve the kind of mutual
love for which it is human to yearn； whose passion is naturally
transmuted into a feeling that may be even finer； but I am inclined to
think； even in such a case； that some effort and unselfishness are
necessary。 At any rate； that has been denied to us； and we can never
know it from our own experience。 We can only hope that there is such a
thing； …yes； and believe in it and work for it。〃
〃Work for it； Hugh？〃 she repeated。
〃For othersfor our children。 I have been thinking about the children a
great deal in the last few months especially about Matthew。〃
〃You always loved him best；〃 she said。
〃Yes；〃 I admitted。 〃I don't know why it should be so。 And in spite of
it； I have neglected him； neglected them； failed to appreciate them all。
I did not deserve them。 I have reproached myself； I have suffered for
it； not as much as I deserved。 I came to realize that the children were
a bond between us； that their existence meant something greater than
either of us。 But at the same time I recognized that I had lost my right
over them； that it was you who had proved yourself worthy。。。。 It was
through the children that I came to think differently； to feel
differently toward you。 I have come to you to ask your forgiveness。〃
〃Oh； Hugh！〃 she cried。
〃Wait；〃 I said。。。。 〃I have come to you； through them。 I want to say
again that I should not be here if I had obtained my desires。 Yet there
is more to it than that。 I think I have reached a stage where I am able
to say that I am glad I didn't obtain them。 I see now that this coming
to you was something I have wanted to do all along； but it was the
cowardly thing to do； after I had failed； for it was not as though I had
conquered the desires； the desires conquered me。 At any rate； I couldn't
come to you to encumber you； to be a drag upon you。 I felt that I must
have something to offer you。 I've got a plan； Maude； for my life； for
our lives。 I don't know whether I can make a success of it； and you are
entitled to decline to take the risk。 I don't fool myself that it will
be all plain sailing； that there won't be difficulties and
discouragements。 But I'll promise to try。〃
〃What is it？〃 she asked； in a low voice。 〃II think I know。〃
〃Perhaps you have guessed it。 I am willing to try to devote what is left
of my life to you and to them。 And I need your help。 I acknowledge it。
Let us try to make more possible for them the life we have missed。〃
〃The life we have missed！〃 she said。
〃Yes。 My mistakes； my failures； have brought us to the edge of a
precipice。 We must prevent； if we can； those mistakes and failures for
them。 The remedy for unhappy marriages； for all mistaken； selfish and
artificial relationships in life is a preventive one。 My plan is that we
try to educate ourselves together； take advantage of the accruing
knowledge that is helping men and women to cope with the problems； to
think straight。 We can then teach our children to think straight； to
avoid the pitfalls into which we have fallen。〃
I paused。 Maude did not reply。 Her face was turned away from me；
towards the red glow of the setting sun above the hills。
〃You have been doing this all along； you have had the vision； the true
vision； while I lacked it； Maude。 I offer to help you。 But if you think
it is impossible for us to live together； if you believe my feeling
toward you is not enough； if you don't think I can do what I propose； or
if you have ceased to care for me〃
She turned to me with a swift movement； her eyes filled with tears。
〃Oh； Hugh； don't say any more。 I can't stand it。 How little you know；
for all your thinking。 I love you； I always have loved you。 I grew to
be ashamed of it； but I'm not any longer。 I haven't any pride any more；
and I never want to have it again。〃
〃You're willing to take me as I am；to try？〃 I said。
〃Yes；〃 she answered； 〃I'm willing to try。〃 She smiled at me。 〃And I
have more faith than you； Hugh。 I think we'll succeed。〃。。。。
At nine o'clock that night； when we came out through the gates of the
big； noisy station； the childre
